Caduceus
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "David"cardiologist falsely accused of wrongful death
12 total reviews
Comment from lindalcreel
So, poor David really never had a chance. with all that bad DNA floating around in his body, he must have felt the urge to drink like the rest of the family. But we all have choices to make, and I hope he will make the right ones. An excellent read. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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So, poor David really never had a chance. with all that bad DNA floating around in his body, he must have felt the urge to drink like the rest of the family. But we all have choices to make, and I hope he will make the right ones. An excellent read. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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bravo Linda---many thanks, as always----Doug
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Welcome:)
Comment from Ekim777
This piece reads like a documentary but the various details certainly hold our interest. The historical illustration of the place and the time might be fascinating; the on going saga of the family, less so. The inherited, genetic history of alcoholism that might smite many families is intriguing. Alcoholism carried by anyone is very frustrating in any relationship. Relating to an alcoholic is to relate to two separate personalities. We need to know more about this condition. We already live in a fragmented society that threatens our very sense of identity. We should be allowed to know more about the several characters of the family, to allow us to empathize with them. How else can our attention be held through further chapters? -Ekim777
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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This piece reads like a documentary but the various details certainly hold our interest. The historical illustration of the place and the time might be fascinating; the on going saga of the family, less so. The inherited, genetic history of alcoholism that might smite many families is intriguing. Alcoholism carried by anyone is very frustrating in any relationship. Relating to an alcoholic is to relate to two separate personalities. We need to know more about this condition. We already live in a fragmented society that threatens our very sense of identity. We should be allowed to know more about the several characters of the family, to allow us to empathize with them. How else can our attention be held through further chapters? -Ekim777
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Ekim-----wonderful review. I question weather or not to leave the Ford family history---or drastically shorten it. It has little to do with the story. I'll likely edit it in future.---Thanks-Doug
Comment from Nosha17
I like all the intricate medical descriptions, it is like being given a snapshot of what it must be like for a writer who also happens to be a Dr. You write very well and am rather surprised you haven't had your book published. I will when I get time try to read more chapters. You seem to include the human elements of life, also, not just from a clinical standpoint. I admire the fact that you decided to concentrate on your creative urges. Being a poet/translator/proof reader by profession myself, I can fully understand. Faye
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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I like all the intricate medical descriptions, it is like being given a snapshot of what it must be like for a writer who also happens to be a Dr. You write very well and am rather surprised you haven't had your book published. I will when I get time try to read more chapters. You seem to include the human elements of life, also, not just from a clinical standpoint. I admire the fact that you decided to concentrate on your creative urges. Being a poet/translator/proof reader by profession myself, I can fully understand. Faye
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Faye----THANK YOU---I would love to publish this. I've been messin' around with other things for past 5 yrs. Im now determined to complete this novel and submit to a traditional publisher--rather than self-publishing as I had previously considered. You encourage me. Hope you'll read more......Thanks again----keep in touch-Doug
Comment from daeneam
The story is weird but interesting as I love watching crime and mysteries. It is thought-provoking too and I am tempted to read back and read on and see what happens to the characters. I am also in deep-thought regarding the behaviors we have and others. And I am terrified to give birth to a child who will be anti-social growing up.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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The story is weird but interesting as I love watching crime and mysteries. It is thought-provoking too and I am tempted to read back and read on and see what happens to the characters. I am also in deep-thought regarding the behaviors we have and others. And I am terrified to give birth to a child who will be anti-social growing up.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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Hi bullet thanks for nice review. You may want to go back to chapter one---"Carlo" There will be 45 chapters in all. Hope you'll read and review more---Doug
Comment from Gungalo
After all that time she finally conceived and gave birth to a son. Amazing all the things she went through to have this baby.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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After all that time she finally conceived and gave birth to a son. Amazing all the things she went through to have this baby.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
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thanks for continued reading, Gungalo. More to come in a day or two.I need some time off to complete later chapters. Writing those last chapters from sratch will be very time consuming. Thaks fo your continued support---Love----Doug
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Smiling at you. It's a lot of work.
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Gungalo---you're a sweetheart-------D
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Smiles.
Comment from witness4HIM
I really do like your play of wording in describing the conception of a baby.
You have a romantic side and yet it is medically written and with an author's talent to talk about the egg traveling and even give the time of morning. (This is something)
Well seems like the little community is going to increase by the births of several children.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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I really do like your play of wording in describing the conception of a baby.
You have a romantic side and yet it is medically written and with an author's talent to talk about the egg traveling and even give the time of morning. (This is something)
Well seems like the little community is going to increase by the births of several children.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2008
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Hi Witness----please see my comments below---thanks---Doug
Comment from babylonia
i had to go back and read these past chapters. easy to read and follow. so i know two babies were born in 1960 with abnormal genes. hmm ... we shall see. no spag do i see just good imagery. keep up the good work~
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2008
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i had to go back and read these past chapters. easy to read and follow. so i know two babies were born in 1960 with abnormal genes. hmm ... we shall see. no spag do i see just good imagery. keep up the good work~
Comment Written 09-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2008
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Hi again---Thanks for nice reviews---glad to have you back---Doug
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you are very welcome~
babylonia
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
"Scottish dissent" typo.- descent
Another well written chapter. So, for now at least, we've left Carlos and Maria and we're being introduced to another child with a different genetic disorder.
Very well done!
John
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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"Scottish dissent" typo.- descent
Another well written chapter. So, for now at least, we've left Carlos and Maria and we're being introduced to another child with a different genetic disorder.
Very well done!
John
Comment Written 02-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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John----thanks---I've corrected typo and made some other changes. Next two chapters posted today.---Thyanks---Doug
Comment from Eira
Hi Cardiodoug!
I really enjoyed reading your work; you handle language masterfully; you have a very strong sense of place and you communicate the geography and history of the area in a way that interests and draws in the reader.
I do have some technical points for you as well as a few more subjective suggestions to do with as you please:
2nd paragraph, delete comma after 'Detroit River'
3rd: delete comma after 'century', capitalize 'Rouge'.
5th: totally my opinion, but I suggest not starting 2 sentences in the same paragraph with 'After'; for one of them perhaps something like 'Once the war was over'?
6th: 'dissent' here should be 'descent'. Also I suggest rewording this a bit since the flow seems just a little off. (again this is so completely subjective on my part feel free to ignore it). For example, instead of 'with grandparents who originally settled' you might insert a comma after 'descent' and say 'her grandparents originally having settled'. I would also delete 'had' after 'skilled laborer'; since the date is there the 'had' is really not needed.
7th: 'Barnetts' shouldn't have an apostrophe since it is not possessive. I would delete 'had' before 'hoped', as they are still hoping at the time in question. Change 'may' to 'might'.
8th: delete some commas. Actually I suggest rewording the whole first sentence - maybe something like 'In 1932, when Dorothy was 12, she had an emergency appendectomy just minutes ...'
Insert 'rate' after mortality?
9th: delete 'December 31st', as it's redundant. New Year's Eve sounds less clinical so I would keep that term.
OK, deep breath, this is again only my subjective opinion, but for what it's worth I suggest a rewrite of this paragraph. The content is full of pathos, and would make a very strong emotional impact with the reader if written a bit less dryly. I am reminded a little of a police report, where you have facts that are packed with drama put very precisely, so the drama is hidden. (I hope this makes sense.) I'd think you want to articulate the drama, convey the feelings of the characters in a way that gives them breath and makes them come off the page.
For example, starting with your third sentence I'd maybe suggest something like: "Don's memories of his father's drunken stupors, which were punctuated all too often by horrible beatings, gave him an abiding hatred for alcohol. He despised it, though in his late teens and early 20's he had used it himself. When still young, he recognized that it took no more than two or three drinks to make him reckless, or even violent. Don held public drunkenness in particular aversion, and had abstained from alcohol for 15 years." I hope you don't mind my taking the liberty of rewording, just as an example of a possible strategy for greater emotive power.
Similar idea later when saying Don and Dorothy had sex; it sounds a little clinical. Not that you have to gush, but maybe along the lines of 'had been trying zealously for the past four years', rather than 'had been having sex frequently'? Just an idea.
Again, I hope you don't mind my audacity in making all these suggestions; whether you take them or not, just the fact that I felt strongly enough about your story to make them shows that your work has impact and creates interest.
Thumbs up!
Eira
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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Hi Cardiodoug!
I really enjoyed reading your work; you handle language masterfully; you have a very strong sense of place and you communicate the geography and history of the area in a way that interests and draws in the reader.
I do have some technical points for you as well as a few more subjective suggestions to do with as you please:
2nd paragraph, delete comma after 'Detroit River'
3rd: delete comma after 'century', capitalize 'Rouge'.
5th: totally my opinion, but I suggest not starting 2 sentences in the same paragraph with 'After'; for one of them perhaps something like 'Once the war was over'?
6th: 'dissent' here should be 'descent'. Also I suggest rewording this a bit since the flow seems just a little off. (again this is so completely subjective on my part feel free to ignore it). For example, instead of 'with grandparents who originally settled' you might insert a comma after 'descent' and say 'her grandparents originally having settled'. I would also delete 'had' after 'skilled laborer'; since the date is there the 'had' is really not needed.
7th: 'Barnetts' shouldn't have an apostrophe since it is not possessive. I would delete 'had' before 'hoped', as they are still hoping at the time in question. Change 'may' to 'might'.
8th: delete some commas. Actually I suggest rewording the whole first sentence - maybe something like 'In 1932, when Dorothy was 12, she had an emergency appendectomy just minutes ...'
Insert 'rate' after mortality?
9th: delete 'December 31st', as it's redundant. New Year's Eve sounds less clinical so I would keep that term.
OK, deep breath, this is again only my subjective opinion, but for what it's worth I suggest a rewrite of this paragraph. The content is full of pathos, and would make a very strong emotional impact with the reader if written a bit less dryly. I am reminded a little of a police report, where you have facts that are packed with drama put very precisely, so the drama is hidden. (I hope this makes sense.) I'd think you want to articulate the drama, convey the feelings of the characters in a way that gives them breath and makes them come off the page.
For example, starting with your third sentence I'd maybe suggest something like: "Don's memories of his father's drunken stupors, which were punctuated all too often by horrible beatings, gave him an abiding hatred for alcohol. He despised it, though in his late teens and early 20's he had used it himself. When still young, he recognized that it took no more than two or three drinks to make him reckless, or even violent. Don held public drunkenness in particular aversion, and had abstained from alcohol for 15 years." I hope you don't mind my taking the liberty of rewording, just as an example of a possible strategy for greater emotive power.
Similar idea later when saying Don and Dorothy had sex; it sounds a little clinical. Not that you have to gush, but maybe along the lines of 'had been trying zealously for the past four years', rather than 'had been having sex frequently'? Just an idea.
Again, I hope you don't mind my audacity in making all these suggestions; whether you take them or not, just the fact that I felt strongly enough about your story to make them shows that your work has impact and creates interest.
Thumbs up!
Eira
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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Dear Eria----Great review---thank you. Interestingly, I had not edited this chapter as closely as the others. After seeing your review, I edited--without looking at your recs. I found most the SPAG and changed a lot of content in ways similar to your suggestions---thanks again.---Doug
Comment from Dilemma
You guaranteed that I was going to keep reading when you mentioned the Rogue River. I grew up a short distance away from the river on the west side of the state, some of my fondest memories are trail riding with family members and friends along it's banks.
As far as your novel goes I like it. I know all about the Barnett's history and you concluded the chapter with a nice ominous tone that compels the reader to keep reading.
I look foreword to reading more.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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You guaranteed that I was going to keep reading when you mentioned the Rogue River. I grew up a short distance away from the river on the west side of the state, some of my fondest memories are trail riding with family members and friends along it's banks.
As far as your novel goes I like it. I know all about the Barnett's history and you concluded the chapter with a nice ominous tone that compels the reader to keep reading.
I look foreword to reading more.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2008
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Dilemma----Thanks for nice comments--hope you can read more---two chapters will be posted today.---Doug