Comment from BethShelby

Excellent

I was sure she was going to be caught. This was a pretty gutsy thing to do. She seems meek but she get getting caught where is isn't supposed to be. It seem Mary and other are always watching.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2024

Thank you, Beth. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.

Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

I understand she is worried about Noah, but I don't see how she thinks she can find out about him when all bedroom doors are locked, except hers. (What if they have to use the bathroom during the night?) Could Noah open the door from inside?

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024

Thank you, Carol, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

Is it Oliver? You have me on pins and needles wanting to know what's going on here. I am so worried about Danielle. Maybe it's Callum. that would be a really good thing. I do like this story.

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024

Thank you, Barbara, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

Eat your heart out, Stephen King! I don't know about Danielle, but I was certainly holding my breath and willing her to go back to the annexe in safety (I'm such a wimp!) This is building up with true suspense, Jacob. An excellent write. Just one small and common edit: There (was) at least a couple of people...
Well done! Debbie

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024

Thank you, Debbie. Your first line brought a big smile to my face. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.

Comment from samandlancelot

Excellent

Hi Jacob,

Your short, choppy sentences in your opening paragraph help to give urgency to your protagonist's struggle.

I reach the top of the stairs. I eye my old room at the end of the hallway. (This paragraph is excellent! I like the back-and-forth struggle. She must make a decision.

I enjoyed the action, suspense, and well-written prose, although I'm not a fan of the present tense.

Suggestions:

but I'm wide awake, there's no way (change comma to period to make into two sentences)

back to the annexe at half eleven (half past eleven)

Patricia

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024

Thank you, Patricia and for your suggestions as well, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.

Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary

Excellent

Hi Jacob,
This is an awesome chapter. Not sure what the plot is, but this is the first chapter I've read since I'm a relatively new member. It looks like you are on your way to having a very successful book. Congrats!

Cecilia

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024

Thank you, Steve, I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.

reply by Cecilia A Heiskary on 22-Oct-2024

Sorry Steve? I just assumed. Shame on me.

Comment from Begin Again

Excellent

Caught in the act! Now, which one is it, and what will they say or do? Great chapter, Jacob! You did the suspense very well. I could feel the creepiness as we moved from the annex through the house...even though I suspected she would get caught.
Smiles, Carol

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2024

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024

Thank you, Carol. I'm pleased that you enjoyed it.