Concertina
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Lights Out"Vietnam veteran comes to the end of his denial.
9 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a strong metaphor: "Initially, he embraced the separation from the desert to Vietnam's jungles until he realized deserts come in many shapes and forms" you're a descriptive setting is intense. This is very good for a depicting the trauma of war veterans. The concept concertina is a strong juxtaposition from what people might expect it to mean. This is excellent and I will continue to read the chapters
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2024
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This is a strong metaphor: "Initially, he embraced the separation from the desert to Vietnam's jungles until he realized deserts come in many shapes and forms" you're a descriptive setting is intense. This is very good for a depicting the trauma of war veterans. The concept concertina is a strong juxtaposition from what people might expect it to mean. This is excellent and I will continue to read the chapters
Comment Written 15-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2024
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Thank you Liz, for your time and expertise. The story get will get deeper before salvation occurs.
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Good to know...lol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sorry it's taken me so long to review your post. But, they liked me so much at the hospital the first trip that, they made me come back for a longer visit. Glad to be out and reading your posts. :-)
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Sorry it's taken me so long to review your post. But, they liked me so much at the hospital the first trip that, they made me come back for a longer visit. Glad to be out and reading your posts. :-)
Comment Written 26-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Hospital? Man, that sucks. Hope everything is okay. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing you might appreciate a little 'Walter Trout' from the album, Go the Distance. Hard sharp blues.
It's just another round, just another fight
They try to knock me down, but you know I'm still alright
And I know down inside, that I'm not like other men
So I pick myself up, and I'm back on my feet again
And I swear, I'm gonna go the distance, oh yeah
So many times, I been down there on the ground
But I gather up my strength and I go another round
So many times I just wanna shout
You may knock me down, but you still ain't knocked me out
Cos I swear, I swear I'm gonna go the distance, yes I am
Now I may be bleeding, but I'm on my feet
I may be beaten up, but still I ain't been beat
I may stumble and fall, and be tired as hell
But I'm determined to be standing, when they ring the final bell
Cos I swear, I wanna go the distance, yes I'am
Yes I swear, I'm gonna go the distance
I'm going all the way with it
I ain't gonna let nobody get me down
I'm gonna go the distance baby
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That's awesome, Yardier! Yep, you're one of the few who understands. Getting punched just lets us know we are alive and that it's time to step up and do whatever it takes to win. Something as simple as a hot shower takes care of the mud and the blood and the beer. LOL! Much appreciated!
Comment from LJbutterfly
Reading this chapter of Concertina is like reluctantly floating through someone's horrible nightmare, feeling their fears and almost seeing their ghosts. You've delve so deeply into Lee's psyche that the reader sees no way out. Where can he go? How will he ever be helped? I'll have to stay tuned to see where you take him.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Reading this chapter of Concertina is like reluctantly floating through someone's horrible nightmare, feeling their fears and almost seeing their ghosts. You've delve so deeply into Lee's psyche that the reader sees no way out. Where can he go? How will he ever be helped? I'll have to stay tuned to see where you take him.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thanks LJ. He is headed to a darker place but will survive.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
WOW!!!! I wish I had a six left. I hope this receives many sixes. It's the best thing I've read in a long time. I am not a huge fan of descriptions, but yours are perfect. They are needed and fit the story perfect. Many write an entire page on describing a dress. I usually skip it.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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WOW!!!! I wish I had a six left. I hope this receives many sixes. It's the best thing I've read in a long time. I am not a huge fan of descriptions, but yours are perfect. They are needed and fit the story perfect. Many write an entire page on describing a dress. I usually skip it.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Barbara. I hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving with family and friends. I'm posting the third chapter in a few moments and welcome your scrutiny.
Comment from Susan Newell
Rad,
This deserves a six but I'm running low on them with four days to go. You are doing an exceptional job of drawing the reader into Lee's emotions as you reveal his history in a carefully measured way. Excellent job describing the environment around Bakersfield and its connection to Vietnam. I have made just a couple of proofing notes below.
Sue
Every day it seemed a growing apprehension something terrible was about to occur with impatient insistence doom was right around the corner. -- this sentence is awkward; I'm having trouble parsing it.
confused and mocked him; an overwhelming and familiar cloud of gloom settled his sense of terror into a -- seems like a comma would be better than a semicolon
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Rad,
This deserves a six but I'm running low on them with four days to go. You are doing an exceptional job of drawing the reader into Lee's emotions as you reveal his history in a carefully measured way. Excellent job describing the environment around Bakersfield and its connection to Vietnam. I have made just a couple of proofing notes below.
Sue
Every day it seemed a growing apprehension something terrible was about to occur with impatient insistence doom was right around the corner. -- this sentence is awkward; I'm having trouble parsing it.
confused and mocked him; an overwhelming and familiar cloud of gloom settled his sense of terror into a -- seems like a comma would be better than a semicolon
Comment Written 23-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Susan. I appreciate your generous review and suggestions. Chapter 3 is right around the corner. Rad
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You are welcome.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This General Fiction, a chapter in the book Concertina, speaks about lights out, and Lee comes to the end of a muddy road; well said, well done, thanks 4 sharing this and nice reviewing this legible post on white background, post more, fast, time is limited, precious, rare (good) gift, I, DR, wrote 114 books, R 123300/N21. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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This General Fiction, a chapter in the book Concertina, speaks about lights out, and Lee comes to the end of a muddy road; well said, well done, thanks 4 sharing this and nice reviewing this legible post on white background, post more, fast, time is limited, precious, rare (good) gift, I, DR, wrote 114 books, R 123300/N21. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 23-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Alcreator. You generous review and encouragement has made my day!
Comment from Pangalactic
I really enjoyed this read through, it's my first perusal of this story and I'm very glad I chanced across it. Your story is rich in character development and imagery. This has all the qualities of professional writing. I want more
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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I really enjoyed this read through, it's my first perusal of this story and I'm very glad I chanced across it. Your story is rich in character development and imagery. This has all the qualities of professional writing. I want more
Comment Written 23-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Trask. Your generous review has made my day! Chapter 3 will be posted today.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Another well-written chapter to this story. You manage to take us right into the moment and feel the pain, fear and frustration of Lee. The tombstone and distant light is very eerie. Great work.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Another well-written chapter to this story. You manage to take us right into the moment and feel the pain, fear and frustration of Lee. The tombstone and distant light is very eerie. Great work.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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Thank you, Judy. Chapter 3 will be posted later today.
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You?re welcome.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
SSSSSStupendous. I spent my last six, but I call 'em as I see 'em. The other worthy works will have to wait until Sunday--some weeks I accrue a backlog and thus am often in arrears. Brilliant piece. Cheerssssss. LIZ
Rattled, Lee sat in darkness for a moment, trying to calm himself when Lee knew the carburetor was flooded and HE would have to wait a few minutes and try again.
He wondered if it was the same light Officer Hettinger ran to after Jimmy Powell shot his partner Campbell in the face COMMA killing him.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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SSSSSStupendous. I spent my last six, but I call 'em as I see 'em. The other worthy works will have to wait until Sunday--some weeks I accrue a backlog and thus am often in arrears. Brilliant piece. Cheerssssss. LIZ
Rattled, Lee sat in darkness for a moment, trying to calm himself when Lee knew the carburetor was flooded and HE would have to wait a few minutes and try again.
He wondered if it was the same light Officer Hettinger ran to after Jimmy Powell shot his partner Campbell in the face COMMA killing him.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2021
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I am honored, Liz. You are truly a litmus test that clarifies the prose. I haven't read your latest post yet, but I'm thinking it will be about an unusual event experienced during your Thanksgiving get-together.
