Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 71 "part two, Chapter 21"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
75 total reviews
Comment from Grammies
I am enjoying the story unfold so far. Just a few suggestions/edits:
- Anna felt a gut wrench.....(could use a little rewording, this sentence seems off)
- Troy touched her chin....Her tears filled s/b tear filled eyes
- A male voice screamed (what?) and emphasized every word (what words) with blows to my.....
- Bobby kidnapped (try different word ie carried, pulled)
Way to go looking forward to more!
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reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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I am enjoying the story unfold so far. Just a few suggestions/edits:
- Anna felt a gut wrench.....(could use a little rewording, this sentence seems off)
- Troy touched her chin....Her tears filled s/b tear filled eyes
- A male voice screamed (what?) and emphasized every word (what words) with blows to my.....
- Bobby kidnapped (try different word ie carried, pulled)
Way to go looking forward to more!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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I have made the changes, except for the male voice one, because this is Anna's version of her dream. When I posted the actual scene I stated what he said. I didn't feel it is necessary to go into detail.
Comment from jaeladarling
I'm glad Anna was finally able to remember on her own. More, I'm glad Bobby is dead. I don't think I got to read where he was shot by a sniper, so that bit of info was a relief to read. I hope she's able to make a better life for herself. This chapter is a great continuation of the story. I'm glad I was able to come in and read. :)
A few nits:
"I need too and figure out" (Change "too" to "to")
I cried, "My baby's alone outside!" (You have a quote within a quote here, so the inside quote should have apostrophes around it, like this: "I cried, 'My baby's alone outside!'")
on her cheek. A male voice screamed (Open the quote on "A")
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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I'm glad Anna was finally able to remember on her own. More, I'm glad Bobby is dead. I don't think I got to read where he was shot by a sniper, so that bit of info was a relief to read. I hope she's able to make a better life for herself. This chapter is a great continuation of the story. I'm glad I was able to come in and read. :)
A few nits:
"I need too and figure out" (Change "too" to "to")
I cried, "My baby's alone outside!" (You have a quote within a quote here, so the inside quote should have apostrophes around it, like this: "I cried, 'My baby's alone outside!'")
on her cheek. A male voice screamed (Open the quote on "A")
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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I will check those out. I know I have a lot going on with Anna's version of the dream. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Realistic portrayal of a victim of violence gradually coming to terms with what happened to them. If this were a commercial offering, I would be worried about the slow pace, but I know that's not reaaly a concern to you.
There's a 'too' in there somewhere that should be a 'to'
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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Realistic portrayal of a victim of violence gradually coming to terms with what happened to them. If this were a commercial offering, I would be worried about the slow pace, but I know that's not reaaly a concern to you.
There's a 'too' in there somewhere that should be a 'to'
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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I will fix that two. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent dialogue that convey's Anna's uneasiness and confusion well.
Concentrate, you can remember. Add the comma
I need too and figure out what's real - need to
A dramatic scene where she relates her dream/memory.
Brooke :-)
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reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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Excellent dialogue that convey's Anna's uneasiness and confusion well.
Concentrate, you can remember. Add the comma
I need too and figure out what's real - need to
A dramatic scene where she relates her dream/memory.
Brooke :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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I had the whole thing in a dream and didn't like it so switched it to dialogue. I think it reads better.
Comment from c_lucas
Anna is experiencing PTS. You handle the dream sequene with very good taste, This is very well written makin for an interesting read.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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Anna is experiencing PTS. You handle the dream sequene with very good taste, This is very well written makin for an interesting read.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and your support.
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You're welcome, Father. Charlie
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I didn't know I was your father. LOL
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Need more rest.
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That could be true
