Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 51 "Chapter 15; part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
79 total reviews
Comment from Helen Tan
Nothing like a shoot-out to clear all the filth of the Earth. I enjoyed that short flirty scene at the end- we all know what's going to happen when these two get home. WELL DONE!!
When she heard a barrage of gunfire, she turned toward the window.
This sentence lacks a sense of abruptness and shock which is what would grip Leya. If you read this aloud there is almost a leisurely tone to it. Consider something like this -
A barrage of gunfire burst/pierced/rattled (if it's machine gun). Shocked, Leya turned toward the window.
Try to take out "When".
The long continuous burst of pops whizzed through the window. She cringed at the sound of glass shattering.
Pops whizzed through the windows. Glass shattered. Leya cringed.
Consider short sentences when you have fast series of action going on. It intensifies the pace, creates excitement.
You're a young and cocky.
Delete "a", if not insert the missing word "man"?
Just make sure what you're aiming at.
Just BE sure of what you're aiming at./ Just make sure YOU KNOW what you're aiming at.
Four men had four weapons pointed at each other.
Four men pointed weapons at each other.
His hand accidentally slipped inside the hospital gown and touched bare back.
This must be one of the worst set of clothing to be kidnapped in and maybe a bikini! This line put a smile on my face.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Nothing like a shoot-out to clear all the filth of the Earth. I enjoyed that short flirty scene at the end- we all know what's going to happen when these two get home. WELL DONE!!
When she heard a barrage of gunfire, she turned toward the window.
This sentence lacks a sense of abruptness and shock which is what would grip Leya. If you read this aloud there is almost a leisurely tone to it. Consider something like this -
A barrage of gunfire burst/pierced/rattled (if it's machine gun). Shocked, Leya turned toward the window.
Try to take out "When".
The long continuous burst of pops whizzed through the window. She cringed at the sound of glass shattering.
Pops whizzed through the windows. Glass shattered. Leya cringed.
Consider short sentences when you have fast series of action going on. It intensifies the pace, creates excitement.
You're a young and cocky.
Delete "a", if not insert the missing word "man"?
Just make sure what you're aiming at.
Just BE sure of what you're aiming at./ Just make sure YOU KNOW what you're aiming at.
Four men had four weapons pointed at each other.
Four men pointed weapons at each other.
His hand accidentally slipped inside the hospital gown and touched bare back.
This must be one of the worst set of clothing to be kidnapped in and maybe a bikini! This line put a smile on my face.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Your last line made me laugh out line. My son came in to see what I was laughing at. I appreciate your review and have made a copy so I don't miss anything.
Comment from Readywriter52
This is a good end to the story. There was a short but successful rescue. They killed Carlos and most of his men. Steven and Leya confirmed their love for each other. This is a good romance story.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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This is a good end to the story. There was a short but successful rescue. They killed Carlos and most of his men. Steven and Leya confirmed their love for each other. This is a good romance story.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. Someone said they thought I ended it to soon. I thought the guy got the girl, what else is there. I appreciate your review.
Comment from Scornwell
A good story. The action carries you along nicely and the characters are realistic and strong. The dialog seemed real and natural. I only noticed two mistakes, when Steven is talking to the sniper he says "You are a young and cockey" and later when he is talking to Carlos he says "I want solve this peacefully" Just a couple of typos.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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A good story. The action carries you along nicely and the characters are realistic and strong. The dialog seemed real and natural. I only noticed two mistakes, when Steven is talking to the sniper he says "You are a young and cockey" and later when he is talking to Carlos he says "I want solve this peacefully" Just a couple of typos.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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I have already corrected those errors. Thank you for your review.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Liked this line: If Steven were dead, I would feel it in my heart. Steven's alive.
suggestion: Michael spoke through /is>his/ headset. "It's over."
Thank you for the wonderful story :)
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Liked this line: If Steven were dead, I would feel it in my heart. Steven's alive.
suggestion: Michael spoke through /is>his/ headset. "It's over."
Thank you for the wonderful story :)
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
Hot damn, you've posted another chapter of 'Tantalizing Eyes.' Your latest chapter is brilliantly written and a very enjoyable read. Excellent dialogue, great imagery, and very good narrative. Descriptive writing, here are some examples:
That night Leya was too worried, hungry, and thirsty to sleep. There was only one door to the cabin and she stared at it repeating the prayer Steven would soon enter. As the sun rose, she heard a man state Carlos was on his way. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
He nodded in acknowledgement. Matt motioned for Steven to follow. When they were halfway to the cabin, they recognized the whiz of a sniper rifle through the volley of gunfire. A few seconds later Bob said into his communication device, "Only one left."
In the back corner of the cabin, two men stood in front, but to each side of Leya with their M4's pointed toward Steven and Matt. Steven noticed immediately Leya wasn't hurt. He glanced toward Matt wondering about their next move. As of now, they were at a stand off. Four men had four weapons pointed at each other.
Leya's body trembled, as did her voice. "I'm in love with Steven. I could never love you." she said, barely getting the words out. She released a deep breath. "Would you let Steven live if I ...."
Steven faced Leya, put his arms around her, and drew her closer as he kissed her. "I love you, Leya."
He kissed her, stared into her tantalizing eyes, and then tightly held her. "We'll never be separated again. I can guarantee that." He moved both hands through the opening of her gown and caressed her bare back. "Let's go home."
Good for Leya standing up for her man. I loved the emotional reunion and the end. Sadly all good things must end. I look forward to a sequel or whatever you decide to write. You're a very talented writer my friend.
I'm sending you a member pump. . .Melissa!
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Barbara,
Hot damn, you've posted another chapter of 'Tantalizing Eyes.' Your latest chapter is brilliantly written and a very enjoyable read. Excellent dialogue, great imagery, and very good narrative. Descriptive writing, here are some examples:
That night Leya was too worried, hungry, and thirsty to sleep. There was only one door to the cabin and she stared at it repeating the prayer Steven would soon enter. As the sun rose, she heard a man state Carlos was on his way. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
He nodded in acknowledgement. Matt motioned for Steven to follow. When they were halfway to the cabin, they recognized the whiz of a sniper rifle through the volley of gunfire. A few seconds later Bob said into his communication device, "Only one left."
In the back corner of the cabin, two men stood in front, but to each side of Leya with their M4's pointed toward Steven and Matt. Steven noticed immediately Leya wasn't hurt. He glanced toward Matt wondering about their next move. As of now, they were at a stand off. Four men had four weapons pointed at each other.
Leya's body trembled, as did her voice. "I'm in love with Steven. I could never love you." she said, barely getting the words out. She released a deep breath. "Would you let Steven live if I ...."
Steven faced Leya, put his arms around her, and drew her closer as he kissed her. "I love you, Leya."
He kissed her, stared into her tantalizing eyes, and then tightly held her. "We'll never be separated again. I can guarantee that." He moved both hands through the opening of her gown and caressed her bare back. "Let's go home."
Good for Leya standing up for her man. I loved the emotional reunion and the end. Sadly all good things must end. I look forward to a sequel or whatever you decide to write. You're a very talented writer my friend.
I'm sending you a member pump. . .Melissa!
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Thank you for the pump. I know how hard they are to come by. After my surgery, I will post a short story in two parts, then start my new manuscript. Matt's sidekick Joe will fall in love, but new twists may cause a love never to happen.
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Sounds interesting. Thanks to my flash fiction 'My Husband's Banging My Twin Sister.' I'm giving away the first chapter Brandon is blow up when he starts Stephanie's car. The second chapter is his funeral where we meed his older brother, Clint, and he hates Stephanie but they are attracted to each other. The chapter three is several years later and Stephanie is now a Detective Sergeant and she and her partner, Kelly are chasing a serial killer. So it's a romance combined with a serial killer thriller. I love to mix genres.
Melissa!
Comment from c_lucas
The six stars are for the entire novel. This is very well written. Throughout, it has a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. Very good job.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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The six stars are for the entire novel. This is very well written. Throughout, it has a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. Very good job.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Thank you so much. Coming from a western/poet this means a lot to me. I appreciate your conintued support thoughout the manuscript.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from Belinda
Ah, finally they are well and together again for good. No more separations, no more misunderstandings. All is well that ends well, people say. Congratulations for a finished work well done, Barbara...
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Ah, finally they are well and together again for good. No more separations, no more misunderstandings. All is well that ends well, people say. Congratulations for a finished work well done, Barbara...
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and sticking with me through the entire manuscript.
Comment from RebelRose
I am so happy that it ended happily. It was close and kind of scary but I felt pretty sure Steven and his men would prevail and win out in the long run. I thoroughly enjoyed reading all these chapters.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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I am so happy that it ended happily. It was close and kind of scary but I felt pretty sure Steven and his men would prevail and win out in the long run. I thoroughly enjoyed reading all these chapters.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very good chapter and I have enjoyed reading your book. I look forward to another one. You did a great job and I congraulate you.
Shirley
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Very good chapter and I have enjoyed reading your book. I look forward to another one. You did a great job and I congraulate you.
Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support. I will post a short story in two parts, then start another novel.
