Haiku Club Challenges, Book II
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "summer love on beach (haiku)"an anthology of haiku written by fanstory poets
85 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This haiku, Summer Love on Beach, uses its sixteen syllables to bring a 'grain' of truth to the idea of frollicking in the sand. Fun stuff. Loved the Sinatra as well.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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This haiku, Summer Love on Beach, uses its sixteen syllables to bring a 'grain' of truth to the idea of frollicking in the sand. Fun stuff. Loved the Sinatra as well.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Bill, for your review. I am glad you found a 'grain' of truth in my poem.
Comment from Dawn Munro
LOL - I'm laughing, but I really shouldn't because there's nothing quite as miserable as sand in places "where the sun don't shine". Hahahahaha.
Love the music, too. :))
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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LOL - I'm laughing, but I really shouldn't because there's nothing quite as miserable as sand in places "where the sun don't shine". Hahahahaha.
Love the music, too. :))
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Dawn, for your review. I am glad my poem made you laugh. I am glad you love the music, too.
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You're very welcome, Andre. It was my pleasure.
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
This is a wonderful Haiku poem, Andre.
Which describes the scene with such hilarious imagery.
The alliteration is fantastic which strengthens your words beautifully.
and a lovely picture to accompany
Mitchell
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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This is a wonderful Haiku poem, Andre.
Which describes the scene with such hilarious imagery.
The alliteration is fantastic which strengthens your words beautifully.
and a lovely picture to accompany
Mitchell
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Mitchell, for your review. I am glad you had a wonderful time enjoying my Haiku's hilarious imagery.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Andre,
Good job honey, I love the sound track and presentation.
summer love on beach
leaves sand where the sun don't shine
itch scratch ouch............ good syllable count :) The satori line is jarring and leaves a disturbing image. I would suggest you change it to something like...
summer love on beach
leaves sand where the sun don't shine
relentless itch
Gypsy hugs
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Hello, Andre,
Good job honey, I love the sound track and presentation.
summer love on beach
leaves sand where the sun don't shine
itch scratch ouch............ good syllable count :) The satori line is jarring and leaves a disturbing image. I would suggest you change it to something like...
summer love on beach
leaves sand where the sun don't shine
relentless itch
Gypsy hugs
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Gypsy, for your generous and suggested edit of the satori. Yours is smoother, but I wanted my haiku to leave a jarring, disturbing image that gets under reviewers' skin, so I am leaving my satori at present which progressively tells a story.
Thank you for your review, compliments, and suggestion.
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okay, I get it now :)
Comment from alvina224224
This brings back a lot of memories, Sis, including the Frank Sinatra track. Thank you for that.
Line three - I know the colloquial word is 'don't'- but in English, it means 'do not'. When applied to this line, it seems wrong. Personally, I would have used 'doesn't'. But then, I'm English, so it would be called 'poet's licence'.
LOL Warm regards Mary
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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This brings back a lot of memories, Sis, including the Frank Sinatra track. Thank you for that.
Line three - I know the colloquial word is 'don't'- but in English, it means 'do not'. When applied to this line, it seems wrong. Personally, I would have used 'doesn't'. But then, I'm English, so it would be called 'poet's licence'.
LOL Warm regards Mary
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Alvina, for your warm review. You are correct about the phrase being grammatically incorrect but in America we say "where the sun don't shine." No poetic licence is involved, just listening to the way people actually talk in my country.
Thank you for your review. I am glad my poem brought back a lot of memories.
Comment from rjuselius
haha. lol. this is an entertaining piece of poetry dear andre! it is so true. after wrestling in the sand, it is all over the place.
thank you for sharing!
blessings and a big squeeze!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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haha. lol. this is an entertaining piece of poetry dear andre! it is so true. after wrestling in the sand, it is all over the place.
thank you for sharing!
blessings and a big squeeze!
rebekka x
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Rebekka, for your review. I am glad my poem made you laugh. Big squeeze to you, too!
Comment from Heather Knight
This is a different type of haiku. I had to laugh out loud when I read it. Anyway, I agree with you most completely. That's why I prefer the pool.
The picture and the song are great.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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This is a different type of haiku. I had to laugh out loud when I read it. Anyway, I agree with you most completely. That's why I prefer the pool.
The picture and the song are great.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Yes, pools are better. Thank you for your review, Maria, of my different type of haiku.
Comment from XGoneX
Hi Andre,
This is a wonderful ad fresh haiku.
It's filled with seduction and the summer feel.
Great flow and alliteration. the last sentence is funny.
Particularly liked:
leaves sand where the sun don't shine
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Hi Andre,
This is a wonderful ad fresh haiku.
It's filled with seduction and the summer feel.
Great flow and alliteration. the last sentence is funny.
Particularly liked:
leaves sand where the sun don't shine
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, IAM, for your review. I am glad you found my haiku wonderful and fresh.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This a perfect package, artwork, poem, and video. You did wonderful job with this post. I really enjoyed the entire experience. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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This a perfect package, artwork, poem, and video. You did wonderful job with this post. I really enjoyed the entire experience. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Barbara, for your generous, six star review of my perfect package. I am glad you enjoyed the entire experience.
Comment from catch22
Hi SC, what a clever haiku that makes an old cliche into a new wry image. Great form and word economy, although I do wonder if this might be more of a senryu? I'm not well versed in short forms, but it definitely has the feeling of satire.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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Hi SC, what a clever haiku that makes an old cliche into a new wry image. Great form and word economy, although I do wonder if this might be more of a senryu? I'm not well versed in short forms, but it definitely has the feeling of satire.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
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You are right, Catch22, this is more of a senryu, but the Haiku Club Challenge has embarked upon a second book that focus on humans. Our first book published last month focused on nature. I may not always like the human haiku challenge, but I will write them if inspired. Thank you for your review.
