Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Chapter 7, part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
67 total reviews
Comment from Elizabeth_Mckenna
Good chapter. A few suggestions/corrections are below.
If anybody was left behind and needs medical attention(,) we'll see they get medical care." (maybe replace "medical care" with "it")
She stared at him, as she smelled perspiration. (maybe "She stared at him, smelling perspiration.")
As for you, if your antics continue(,) you'll find yourself permanently stationed (not sure about the comma)
Eventually(,) with Steven holding her, sleep overtook her.
Squeeze my hand as hard whenever you need to." (missing something after "hard"? or take out the "as"?)
Come on, sweetie look a me ('a' should be 'at')
Take care,
M
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Good chapter. A few suggestions/corrections are below.
If anybody was left behind and needs medical attention(,) we'll see they get medical care." (maybe replace "medical care" with "it")
She stared at him, as she smelled perspiration. (maybe "She stared at him, smelling perspiration.")
As for you, if your antics continue(,) you'll find yourself permanently stationed (not sure about the comma)
Eventually(,) with Steven holding her, sleep overtook her.
Squeeze my hand as hard whenever you need to." (missing something after "hard"? or take out the "as"?)
Come on, sweetie look a me ('a' should be 'at')
Take care,
M
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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I have copied your suggestions. I will recheck some of those commas. The comma queen already reviewed my post and did not indicate my post had any comma error.s Thank you for your review.
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I hate commenting on commas - everyone seems to use a different reference guide. Keep writing!
Comment from Kellytr
Barbara, Another gripping chapter! I very much enjoy the easy flow of your writing - always a pleasure. No spag to distract me, just the pleasure of getting on with the story. An interesting last line - making me curious about Leya's medical condition, wanting to read more. Well done! Kelly
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Barbara, Another gripping chapter! I very much enjoy the easy flow of your writing - always a pleasure. No spag to distract me, just the pleasure of getting on with the story. An interesting last line - making me curious about Leya's medical condition, wanting to read more. Well done! Kelly
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from laurelp
Excellent. I have all sorts of ideas what might be wrong, including Peggy doing something to harm or kill her. I don't trust her at all. you write an great story.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Excellent. I have all sorts of ideas what might be wrong, including Peggy doing something to harm or kill her. I don't trust her at all. you write an great story.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Peggy is not one to be trusted. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara
This is getting better and better. I can't wait for the next chapter. It's a fantastic story filled with tension, fighting and a bit of romance...which I want to start snowballing..LOL
Carol
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Barbara
This is getting better and better. I can't wait for the next chapter. It's a fantastic story filled with tension, fighting and a bit of romance...which I want to start snowballing..LOL
Carol
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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The romance will take time to develop, but it will be well worth the wait. Thank you for your review and support.
Comment from Judith Ann
Again, you have me reading and waiting for the next episode. I am now trying to figure out the story line. Is Peggy right, or is she the mole, or is she just jealous? What will happen next? Is Leya ill? So many questions and that is how it should be. Your writing always leaves me wanting more. Good work. -Judy
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Again, you have me reading and waiting for the next episode. I am now trying to figure out the story line. Is Peggy right, or is she the mole, or is she just jealous? What will happen next? Is Leya ill? So many questions and that is how it should be. Your writing always leaves me wanting more. Good work. -Judy
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Good I want my writing to make my readers want more. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written. It tells enough to show there was a gun fight, but does not give enough details for the readers who wants the gory facts. You did a good job. Evil Eddie introduced himself.
Need a line space before Leya starts gulping.
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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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This is very well written. It tells enough to show there was a gun fight, but does not give enough details for the readers who wants the gory facts. You did a good job. Evil Eddie introduced himself.
Need a line space before Leya starts gulping.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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I already caught that one. Thank you for your review and continued support. Reviews from people, like you, who have been around since the conception of FS are always appreciated.
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You're welcome, Barbara. I've only been with FS for about 18 months. Charlie
Comment from ZigzagMLT
Very good. A captive read.
Found a couple of things: What's wrong with Ms. Vegas?
I'm going home to shower.
Thanks for your work. It was a pleasure to read.
Zigzagmlt
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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Very good. A captive read.
Found a couple of things: What's wrong with Ms. Vegas?
I'm going home to shower.
Thanks for your work. It was a pleasure to read.
Zigzagmlt
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2010
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I am confused with your review. Please go into more detail with the problems. I will recheck the lines, but as you have them written I don't know what the problem is. Thank you for your review.
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Sure! You had a "the" before Ms. Vegas that seemed out of place. And then, if you read further down, you had a sentence that seemed to be missing something, so I offered a suggestion. Hope this helps. Z
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I fixed the 'to shower' but still haven't figured out the other one. Will recheck again.
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I think I have found thme now. Thank you
