Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Letting Go."memiors from my life experiences.
66 total reviews
Comment from InterestingRon
I've been reading the entries for this contest and this is a very strong contender indeed. Beautifully crafted with a good story line and excellent dialogue. Good luck. Ron
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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I've been reading the entries for this contest and this is a very strong contender indeed. Beautifully crafted with a good story line and excellent dialogue. Good luck. Ron
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you ron
Comment from Trybuck
It sounds like there wasn't enough talking about your situation with you. You shouldn't be the one with guilt feelings but too many times that's what happens. I hope you're able to completely work through this one. Sharing the story may be a good start.
Well done, Buck
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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It sounds like there wasn't enough talking about your situation with you. You shouldn't be the one with guilt feelings but too many times that's what happens. I hope you're able to completely work through this one. Sharing the story may be a good start.
Well done, Buck
Comment Written 04-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you buck
Comment from R. K. Alan
I hurt many people, foster parents, teachers, friends.
You were three when they abandoned you and your relatives raised as their own. You have not hurt anyone... they have hurt you and apparently you carry those deep wounds still. You need not carry the burden or the guilt as YOU were the innocent victim here. You had every right to cling to hope and memories and you should not worry about other's feeling over your own. Ray aka Krylon
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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I hurt many people, foster parents, teachers, friends.
You were three when they abandoned you and your relatives raised as their own. You have not hurt anyone... they have hurt you and apparently you carry those deep wounds still. You need not carry the burden or the guilt as YOU were the innocent victim here. You had every right to cling to hope and memories and you should not worry about other's feeling over your own. Ray aka Krylon
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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I guess so thank you for your kind review
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I guess so thank you for your kind review
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I guess so thank you for your kind review
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
It is a very hart griping essay. You pulled the reader along and we hoped for the best. I know it was hard, thank you for sharing it with us
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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It is a very hart griping essay. You pulled the reader along and we hoped for the best. I know it was hard, thank you for sharing it with us
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thanks for the review
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thanks for the review
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thanks for the review
Comment from Claire Beck
Thanks for taking another swing. I read through it again and see where you made some changes that smooth out the story and make it easier to read. I did find more technical things. Some of these were probably already there and I didn't see them on my first pass. Throughout, it seems like there aren't always commas where there should be and there are commas where they shouldn't be. Rather than listing those out, I'd recommend you visit a grammar website and take a look at the rules around commas. One website I really like is grammargirl.com. That site really breaks things down in a way I can understand them and also gives really good examples.
grandmothers should be "grandmother's."
"or, so I thought?;" Get rid of the question mark. Please preview your sotry and find the other places where there are extra question marks.
"many times I had cried" "had" is not necessary.
"How could you possibly remember; you were only three?" I'd break this into two sentences: "How could you remember? You were only three."
"See I didn't lie." Need a comma after "see."
I still see "you see" without a comma (look in the really big paragraph).
"just me and mom" Mom is a pronoun here, so it should be capitalized. Apply that rule throughout when using Mom, Dad, Grandma, etc. When you say "my dad," it's okay for it to be lowercase. When you say "Dad and I," where Dad is a name, it should be capitalized.
I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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Thanks for taking another swing. I read through it again and see where you made some changes that smooth out the story and make it easier to read. I did find more technical things. Some of these were probably already there and I didn't see them on my first pass. Throughout, it seems like there aren't always commas where there should be and there are commas where they shouldn't be. Rather than listing those out, I'd recommend you visit a grammar website and take a look at the rules around commas. One website I really like is grammargirl.com. That site really breaks things down in a way I can understand them and also gives really good examples.
grandmothers should be "grandmother's."
"or, so I thought?;" Get rid of the question mark. Please preview your sotry and find the other places where there are extra question marks.
"many times I had cried" "had" is not necessary.
"How could you possibly remember; you were only three?" I'd break this into two sentences: "How could you remember? You were only three."
"See I didn't lie." Need a comma after "see."
I still see "you see" without a comma (look in the really big paragraph).
"just me and mom" Mom is a pronoun here, so it should be capitalized. Apply that rule throughout when using Mom, Dad, Grandma, etc. When you say "my dad," it's okay for it to be lowercase. When you say "Dad and I," where Dad is a name, it should be capitalized.
I hope this helps.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you I was waiting for someone to show me this.
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Thank you so much for your corrections my Grandmothers last name is Beck. Hey I made the revision how bout aa possible upgrade?
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Thank you so much for your corrections my Grandmothers last name is Beck. Hey I made the revision how bout aa possible upgrade?
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thank you I was waiting for someone to show me this.
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thank you I was waiting for someone to show me this.
Comment from lisaburge
Good story! I felt so sorry for the little boy, but you told it in a way that wasn't maudlin or overly sentimental. Good luck in the contest! Here are just a few suggestions for revision:
"Oh I know why my mother left me." I replied. There should be a comma after "Oh"
"How could you possibly remember you were only three." she said. There should be a semicolon after "remember"
"staring at my Uncle Rob my aunt's husband." There should be a comma after "Rob"
"Uncle" should be capitalized when the aunt asks, "Would you like to come live with me and [U]ncle Rob?"
"Why would I want to do that?" I asked."
"That's it. That's enough[; or .] you have your answerer."
I made up a scenario that my father[']s brother who was killed in Vietnam was really my father.
... if someone who knows me reads this[,] don't tell anyone.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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Good story! I felt so sorry for the little boy, but you told it in a way that wasn't maudlin or overly sentimental. Good luck in the contest! Here are just a few suggestions for revision:
"Oh I know why my mother left me." I replied. There should be a comma after "Oh"
"How could you possibly remember you were only three." she said. There should be a semicolon after "remember"
"staring at my Uncle Rob my aunt's husband." There should be a comma after "Rob"
"Uncle" should be capitalized when the aunt asks, "Would you like to come live with me and [U]ncle Rob?"
"Why would I want to do that?" I asked."
"That's it. That's enough[; or .] you have your answerer."
I made up a scenario that my father[']s brother who was killed in Vietnam was really my father.
... if someone who knows me reads this[,] don't tell anyone.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you i appreciate the review
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Thank you so much for taking the time to make corrections for me. I made them would you consider a possible upgrade? Thanks again.
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thank you i appreciate the review
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thank you i appreciate the review
Comment from marcii
This story is very interesting and at the same time very emotional. Being true it also makes it hard on everyone involved. So many people have similar stories to tell yet it's not easy to say out loud or put down like you have. Good for you. I gave up a child to adoption and it was like taboo to talk about it. I have had contact twice with my child but I have not met him, hopeful in time. He grew up knowing he was adopted,which I hope made things slightly easier for him.
Good luck in the contest.
Marcii
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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This story is very interesting and at the same time very emotional. Being true it also makes it hard on everyone involved. So many people have similar stories to tell yet it's not easy to say out loud or put down like you have. Good for you. I gave up a child to adoption and it was like taboo to talk about it. I have had contact twice with my child but I have not met him, hopeful in time. He grew up knowing he was adopted,which I hope made things slightly easier for him.
Good luck in the contest.
Marcii
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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thank you I appriciate the review
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thank you I appriciate the review
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thank you I appriciate the review
Comment from djuan
Wow! That's a very intimate piece. My only suggestion would be the back and forth regarding what was known and what was implied gets a little confusing. If at three the speaker was aware of what was happening to him, and was able to remember uncle Rob from that time, wouldn't he most definitely remember his mother? It seems there wouldn't be a mystery. Just a thought. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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Wow! That's a very intimate piece. My only suggestion would be the back and forth regarding what was known and what was implied gets a little confusing. If at three the speaker was aware of what was happening to him, and was able to remember uncle Rob from that time, wouldn't he most definitely remember his mother? It seems there wouldn't be a mystery. Just a thought. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2010
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being that it's a true story I can tell you I conciously didnt remember either of them. Thanks for the review.
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being that it's a true story I can tell you I conciously didnt remember either of them. Thanks for the review.
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being that it's a true story I can tell you I conciously didnt remember either of them. Thanks for the review.
Comment from RazberryBullet
How strange! To myself, to my aunt and uncle Rob. If I only knew that my Aunt was my mother. I could have reclaimed her.
suggestions: "We have to go(.) /the>The/ children are so looking forward to it/omit>.>,/" said Mom.
What a sad story :(
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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How strange! To myself, to my aunt and uncle Rob. If I only knew that my Aunt was my mother. I could have reclaimed her.
suggestions: "We have to go(.) /the>The/ children are so looking forward to it/omit>.>,/" said Mom.
What a sad story :(
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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well thabnks for the stars I will make the corrections.
Comment from Gungalo
What a tale you tell here! Much convolution going on and in general done fairly well. In this line, check "miss spoke":
Thinking my aunt had simply miss spoke, I said," She did lie. She never came back."
Should be misspoken. I do love how you remember so many details.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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What a tale you tell here! Much convolution going on and in general done fairly well. In this line, check "miss spoke":
Thinking my aunt had simply miss spoke, I said," She did lie. She never came back."
Should be misspoken. I do love how you remember so many details.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2010
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well it all just came back to me. Thanks for the stars.
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My pleasure!!!