Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from Cooper Watt
Good story, but with all Laila's insecurities and indecisiveness, she's no woman I'd like to know. I fear for Jacob more so than Laila in this nth hour rendezvous.
I almost didn't continue reading when I came to these italicized lines: "...We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. How could he sleep with her? The bastard! The pain of catching them together plague me until I fell in love with Jacob..."
The italicized lines were supposed to be her thoughts, right? If so, I just didn't buy this section of her thinking as realistic. It sounds more like the author giving us back-story. Getting ready for her date with Jacob, why would she think of catching her ex-boyfriend in bed with a some woman named Linda? ... ESPECIALLY when you then mention thoughts of that event plaguing her until she met and fell in love with Jacob.... It kind of makes those groups of thoughts become somewhat of an oxymoron, right?
If she claims to be in love with Jacob, and since then is no longer plagued by thoughts of her past broken heart, then why is she just then thinking about it?
Point is--if the back story is crucial to the present story, then the author should put it in the narrative, not the character's thoughts.
Good luck with the sequel.
Sincerely,
Coop.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Good story, but with all Laila's insecurities and indecisiveness, she's no woman I'd like to know. I fear for Jacob more so than Laila in this nth hour rendezvous.
I almost didn't continue reading when I came to these italicized lines: "...We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. How could he sleep with her? The bastard! The pain of catching them together plague me until I fell in love with Jacob..."
The italicized lines were supposed to be her thoughts, right? If so, I just didn't buy this section of her thinking as realistic. It sounds more like the author giving us back-story. Getting ready for her date with Jacob, why would she think of catching her ex-boyfriend in bed with a some woman named Linda? ... ESPECIALLY when you then mention thoughts of that event plaguing her until she met and fell in love with Jacob.... It kind of makes those groups of thoughts become somewhat of an oxymoron, right?
If she claims to be in love with Jacob, and since then is no longer plagued by thoughts of her past broken heart, then why is she just then thinking about it?
Point is--if the back story is crucial to the present story, then the author should put it in the narrative, not the character's thoughts.
Good luck with the sequel.
Sincerely,
Coop.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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I will reconsider that area. I added the thoughts plaguing her from a suggestion from a reviewer. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Bryana
Hi Barbara, I hope there will be another chapter. I have to know how is Jacob, are they going to like each other, well everything,
You are an excellent writer, your story caught my interest from the beginning. I certainly enjoyed reading your story. I found no errors, nothing to change. I hope to read more of your work.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara, I hope there will be another chapter. I have to know how is Jacob, are they going to like each other, well everything,
You are an excellent writer, your story caught my interest from the beginning. I certainly enjoyed reading your story. I found no errors, nothing to change. I hope to read more of your work.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Kentucky Sweet Pea
Barbara, darlin' there was only one spag = plague me = plagued me and other than that I loved your story. Laila reminds me of my cousin, Connie, always second guessing herself.
Delightful story, my friend! I am so glad to return the favor to you. You've been so good to me.
I love you,
Penny
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Barbara, darlin' there was only one spag = plague me = plagued me and other than that I loved your story. Laila reminds me of my cousin, Connie, always second guessing herself.
Delightful story, my friend! I am so glad to return the favor to you. You've been so good to me.
I love you,
Penny
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and I will fix that minor error.
Comment from Connie P
Well done, Barbara. Meeting an internet interest, very risky I'm sure. I'll be looking for part 2, I'm so far behind it could already be posted.
Flawlessly written and enjoyable.
Connie
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Well done, Barbara. Meeting an internet interest, very risky I'm sure. I'll be looking for part 2, I'm so far behind it could already be posted.
Flawlessly written and enjoyable.
Connie
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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No it's not posted, you aren't that far behind. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JeffreyStone
A great concept for a story. A good mixture of dialogue and introspection by your character. I thought the back and forth got a little monotonous (that may just be a man-thing on my part). I liked the way you ended this segment. JeffreyStone
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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A great concept for a story. A good mixture of dialogue and introspection by your character. I thought the back and forth got a little monotonous (that may just be a man-thing on my part). I liked the way you ended this segment. JeffreyStone
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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It does seem to be a man-thing. The women love it, but the men don't care for it. HUMMM another difference in the sexes. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Black-Saphire
Great job! This was a great story, i was enticed in every word for all of this short work. You did a great job, I like all the self questioning and everything, especially the mysterious-ish ending; it keeps the reader thinking and fantasizing what may--or may not--happen.
-Jade
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Great job! This was a great story, i was enticed in every word for all of this short work. You did a great job, I like all the self questioning and everything, especially the mysterious-ish ending; it keeps the reader thinking and fantasizing what may--or may not--happen.
-Jade
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
Nice beginning, and very timely. So many people are now meeting over the internet. Will come back for part 2.
I'm afraid my ignorance is showing--What is a player?
She wrung her hands[no comma] before glancing at her watch.
"He promised[,] if I chickened out[,] he wouldn't search for me."
He['s] knows I'm five-foot-six,
"No matter what happens tonight[,] I'm coming back to this room, alone.
Her thoughts are in italics, but some are between apostrophes, and other in quotes. If the quotes are her talking aloudm, it would help if you said that.
Roberta
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Nice beginning, and very timely. So many people are now meeting over the internet. Will come back for part 2.
I'm afraid my ignorance is showing--What is a player?
She wrung her hands[no comma] before glancing at her watch.
"He promised[,] if I chickened out[,] he wouldn't search for me."
He['s] knows I'm five-foot-six,
"No matter what happens tonight[,] I'm coming back to this room, alone.
Her thoughts are in italics, but some are between apostrophes, and other in quotes. If the quotes are her talking aloudm, it would help if you said that.
Roberta
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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I will correct those areas. It's so good to have you back. Thank you for your review, A player is a man who uses women only for a good time, and usually has more than one at a time.
Comment from knowledge
Good there is another part. I thought you were going to leave us all hanging. This is well written. Now I know what the ladies were going through when they asked me to meet them. I met my second wife on the Internet. My first one passed away in my arms from pneumonia surrounded by family and friends. We were married 33 yrs. My kids set me up on a Church singles site. I met over ten women before I met my wife. We have been married nine years now.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Good there is another part. I thought you were going to leave us all hanging. This is well written. Now I know what the ladies were going through when they asked me to meet them. I met my second wife on the Internet. My first one passed away in my arms from pneumonia surrounded by family and friends. We were married 33 yrs. My kids set me up on a Church singles site. I met over ten women before I met my wife. We have been married nine years now.
Thank You My Friend,
Knowledge
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Wow, thank you for sharing your story. A reviewer told it wasn't possible and gave me a three. I appreciate your review.
Comment from LadyWave
I absolutely loved this and am anxiously awaiting the second part. You infused the story with so much energy and built it to a wonderful crescendo. I'm thoroughly invested in Laila!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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I absolutely loved this and am anxiously awaiting the second part. You infused the story with so much energy and built it to a wonderful crescendo. I'm thoroughly invested in Laila!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate the stars.
Comment from chocoletdrop052
This was breathtakening, The walk into the unknown. I am not a fan of internet dating, because, I don't like suprises, but sometimes you may luck up and find something in common. Thank you so very much for sharing and Stay Blessed. Most of keep writing, I am interested in finding out what happens to Laila
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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This was breathtakening, The walk into the unknown. I am not a fan of internet dating, because, I don't like suprises, but sometimes you may luck up and find something in common. Thank you so very much for sharing and Stay Blessed. Most of keep writing, I am interested in finding out what happens to Laila
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I hope you stay with me.
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Don't you see, I'm the waitress walking Laila to her table, for the record, I took down all this man's information, just in case of emergency, I'll sound the alarm (LOL)
