Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Chapter 8; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
58 total reviews
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an exceptional chapter. I enjoyed it thoroughly. On one level, I find Leya difficult to understand, but on another, I can sense exactly what she's going to say or do. And she was ambitious, taking a shower while she's still very sick. As for Steven, there's an old Buck Owens country song. "I've got a tiger by the tail, it's plain to see..."
I have a couple of suggestions:
"Or it could be a rough ride, where one or you both get hurt." I'd write, "Or it could be a rough ride, where one or both of you get hurt."
"...as he patted Steven on the back and then left Steven [him] to his thoughts." This is obviously poor Steven.
Dave
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Barbara,
This is an exceptional chapter. I enjoyed it thoroughly. On one level, I find Leya difficult to understand, but on another, I can sense exactly what she's going to say or do. And she was ambitious, taking a shower while she's still very sick. As for Steven, there's an old Buck Owens country song. "I've got a tiger by the tail, it's plain to see..."
I have a couple of suggestions:
"Or it could be a rough ride, where one or you both get hurt." I'd write, "Or it could be a rough ride, where one or both of you get hurt."
"...as he patted Steven on the back and then left Steven [him] to his thoughts." This is obviously poor Steven.
Dave
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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You first suggestion, was my first suggestion too, then as I posted it, I changed it. Darn. I will put it back. I will put the him, there. Thank you for your wonderful support. I really appreciate it and the stars. You are very sweet.
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Barbara,
Thanks for all your compliments. Yes, I am very sweet... sometimes...
Dave
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I can't imagine you any other way.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi barb. LOL, these two are funny, and steven can be unbelievable at times. Is he so unused to women's attraction? Other men would be delighted to be in his position.
Steven returned with a gray Army T-shirt and clean sheets. "You can wear this. It'll cover as much as what you're wearing." He said under his breath, "Hopefully more."
The part 'He said' could also be referred to the sentence before, therefore it's a tag. How about putting it this way:
"You can wear this. It'll cover as much as what you're wearing," he said and added under his breath, "hopefully more."
"Could you ... please ... get me some ...[" Her] voice turned to a whisper, "clean underwear?"
- I think it should be that way cause you don't put a comma after an ellipsis.
"If you need anything[,] yell."
"Ralph, lie beside her and hold her until she warms up. - I bet Ralph loves this instruction. :)
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Hi barb. LOL, these two are funny, and steven can be unbelievable at times. Is he so unused to women's attraction? Other men would be delighted to be in his position.
Steven returned with a gray Army T-shirt and clean sheets. "You can wear this. It'll cover as much as what you're wearing." He said under his breath, "Hopefully more."
The part 'He said' could also be referred to the sentence before, therefore it's a tag. How about putting it this way:
"You can wear this. It'll cover as much as what you're wearing," he said and added under his breath, "hopefully more."
"Could you ... please ... get me some ...[" Her] voice turned to a whisper, "clean underwear?"
- I think it should be that way cause you don't put a comma after an ellipsis.
"If you need anything[,] yell."
"Ralph, lie beside her and hold her until she warms up. - I bet Ralph loves this instruction. :)
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review and support. I hate commas, I think I've mentioned that before. (LOL)
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written and proves Steven has a temper. This enhances the characters of Leya, Steven and Ralp. Good job.
Suggestions
scared Ralph and me to death.(half to death)
officially violated - Invasion of privacy, not violation when would mean sexual penetration.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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This is very well written and proves Steven has a temper. This enhances the characters of Leya, Steven and Ralp. Good job.
Suggestions
scared Ralph and me to death.(half to death)
officially violated - Invasion of privacy, not violation when would mean sexual penetration.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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I know, but earlier, Leya used that term and he was confused, but I will recheck it. Thank you for your review and continued support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from Rama Rao
Excellent.
The story is moving along fine.
Is this talk about panties, etc. really important to the POV of the two characters? You may reconsider.
Her hand pushed her hair behind her shoulders- She pushed her hair would save you one word.
But for the minor points, it made very good reading.
Waiting to see the next part.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Excellent.
The story is moving along fine.
Is this talk about panties, etc. really important to the POV of the two characters? You may reconsider.
Her hand pushed her hair behind her shoulders- She pushed her hair would save you one word.
But for the minor points, it made very good reading.
Waiting to see the next part.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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The discussion of the panties is important, because this has been an issue between these two from the beginning. I will recheck the hair, I was struggling to get it right. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Arkine
~chuckles~ Ah, poor thing .... Actually, a shower might have done her some good, but she needed help and there was no one there to help her. Nice job!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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~chuckles~ Ah, poor thing .... Actually, a shower might have done her some good, but she needed help and there was no one there to help her. Nice job!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I know I always feel better after I shower, so I thought, hummm, what the heck, I'll see if it works and it seems to have worked. Thank you for the review.
Comment from jayesnb
After he released a deep breath, he continued,( ) I'll hold you, but I need to be angry for a while. Can you let me be angry?" ...quotes
I loved Leya's modesty at the beginning and the ensuing conversation...Leya is definitely a paradox and poor Steven being in love stays in a flustered state... Wonderfully written...with outstanding dialogue and a true to life rollercoaster of emotions..
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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After he released a deep breath, he continued,( ) I'll hold you, but I need to be angry for a while. Can you let me be angry?" ...quotes
I loved Leya's modesty at the beginning and the ensuing conversation...Leya is definitely a paradox and poor Steven being in love stays in a flustered state... Wonderfully written...with outstanding dialogue and a true to life rollercoaster of emotions..
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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I must have been correcting that error while you were reading it. Thank you for the review. I appreciate the kidn words.
Comment from wierdgrace
Again what a great and wonderful chapter, romance, and yet all women can be a pain, I am one, haha, I loved your characters in all the chapters, and this one read smooth and kept me reading through to the end, can not wait for more.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Again what a great and wonderful chapter, romance, and yet all women can be a pain, I am one, haha, I loved your characters in all the chapters, and this one read smooth and kept me reading through to the end, can not wait for more.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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If you asked my husband, I am sure he would agree I am a pain too. Thank you for your review.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara,
Another intelligently written chapter of "Tantalizing Eyes." It was a bad idea Leya taking a shower. I like where they discussed her underwear. Once again granny panties were use. Joke of mine and my families which I put in my writing when I can. Your dialogue and descriptive scheme are well executed. Ralph's advice to Steven at the end of the chapter gave food for thought to our frustrated man.
Missing comma in this paragraph:
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I see you're dressed." After he released a deep breath, he continued, (")I'll hold you, but I need to be angry for a while. Can you let me be angry?"
The last sentence of this paragraph doesn't seem right:
He answered her gulp. "Yes, as you would say, you've been officially violated, and I had no choice." He yelled his next sentence. "And it happened because you're so damn stubborn you won't listen to anybody!" He slammed the bedroom door, then opened the door and yelled, "Don't you dare get out of that bed for any reason!" ( He, again, slammed the door.)
How about. Slamming the door again, he stormed off.
Another must read chapter.
Melissa.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Barbara,
Another intelligently written chapter of "Tantalizing Eyes." It was a bad idea Leya taking a shower. I like where they discussed her underwear. Once again granny panties were use. Joke of mine and my families which I put in my writing when I can. Your dialogue and descriptive scheme are well executed. Ralph's advice to Steven at the end of the chapter gave food for thought to our frustrated man.
Missing comma in this paragraph:
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I see you're dressed." After he released a deep breath, he continued, (")I'll hold you, but I need to be angry for a while. Can you let me be angry?"
The last sentence of this paragraph doesn't seem right:
He answered her gulp. "Yes, as you would say, you've been officially violated, and I had no choice." He yelled his next sentence. "And it happened because you're so damn stubborn you won't listen to anybody!" He slammed the bedroom door, then opened the door and yelled, "Don't you dare get out of that bed for any reason!" ( He, again, slammed the door.)
How about. Slamming the door again, he stormed off.
Another must read chapter.
Melissa.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your support and I corrected those errors.
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What's up in your part of the world. Here in Oklahoma we're having a terrible ice story. Parts of state without electricity. The Governor closed the schools this morning. I can hear the ice hitting the window right now.
Melissa.
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We're having horrible storms. Tornado warnings, so we will see what develops.
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I guess bad weather all around. I have written six more chapters on my book "Cloak of Rapture." But I'm reworking 19 because its the first love scene between Brittany and Jason. I want it to be great.
Melissa.
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I am sure it will be great. I have over 5 pages of PM's to get through. I have had a busy week.
