The Gobbledegooks
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Dragon Surprise"Children's Fantasy Poems
65 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Magical, Steve! And so clever. Puff the Magic Dragon was one of my favourite songs as a kid. Used to make me cry. Could never understand why that silly Jackie Paper never returned. Still can't understand it!
I have only one question: is crackling and crumbling. Want to be sure you meant 'crackling' and not 'cracking'.
Liked this brilliant rhyme the best: That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century."
And adore this bit: The cream-cakes he gobbles, in less than a minute,
Then swallows the cart, with the pies that are in it.
Excellent. Hope your dragon takes the trophy.
Av
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Magical, Steve! And so clever. Puff the Magic Dragon was one of my favourite songs as a kid. Used to make me cry. Could never understand why that silly Jackie Paper never returned. Still can't understand it!
I have only one question: is crackling and crumbling. Want to be sure you meant 'crackling' and not 'cracking'.
Liked this brilliant rhyme the best: That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century."
And adore this bit: The cream-cakes he gobbles, in less than a minute,
Then swallows the cart, with the pies that are in it.
Excellent. Hope your dragon takes the trophy.
Av
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Av, thanks for the great review.
Jackie Piper grew up, as I recall - Dragons live forever/But not so, little boys...
I did have cracking, which is probably more accurate as to meaning, but crackling sounds better as a match for crumbling. I may yet re-visit that one.
venture he/century has received mixed reviews. Coming to it fresh, it tends to throw the reader's rhythm off perhaps, but I liked it as a bit of silliness.
The previous Gobbledegooks instalment won the prize in this same contest at the end of last year. I have barely won anything since, so fingers crossed for this!
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
There's something about 'multi-dimensionality' that really appeals to me.
Foregoing the gobbledegook, I'm saying that this is a poem that can appeal to many ages. I think you challenge young readers, and reward older readers similarly. I suspect this is inherent in your personality, Steve. You understand kids, because you never quite given up the habit. But you're an adult, and you can can't deny that either. This poem reveals the inner struggle. Fret not, my friend, I think you've struck the balance.
One thing--check your quotation marks.
Best of luck, Steve.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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There's something about 'multi-dimensionality' that really appeals to me.
Foregoing the gobbledegook, I'm saying that this is a poem that can appeal to many ages. I think you challenge young readers, and reward older readers similarly. I suspect this is inherent in your personality, Steve. You understand kids, because you never quite given up the habit. But you're an adult, and you can can't deny that either. This poem reveals the inner struggle. Fret not, my friend, I think you've struck the balance.
One thing--check your quotation marks.
Best of luck, Steve.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Well, thanks for that. I certainly like to keep that inner child thing going, and it's only the occasional trick that an ageing body plays that reminds me just how old I really am.
You may also have touched upon why it won't be easy to find a publisher for these darned things - they're betwixt and between.
I'm off to check those quotation marks.
Steve
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Frankly, the publishing thing is a non-issue for me. I write short stories--the dinosaurs of literature. Having said that, I think your Gobbledegooks are very marketable. Whether they admit it or not, parents invest their preferences in their purchases for kids.
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Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Jurassic Park? Yours are some of the best short stories I have ever read. Surely they're not that extinct?
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Frankly, the publishing thing is a non-issue for me. I write short stories--the dinosaurs of literature. Having said that, I think your Gobbledegooks are very marketable. Whether they admit it or not, parents invest their preferences in their purchases for kids.
Comment from Just2Write
Another fantastic story spun about the Gobbledegooks and their fanciful kingdom.
I really enjoyed your use of Anapestic Tetrameter. Anapest is such a great meter for children and helps them with the reading and comprehension of big words and how to get their mouth around them. It also helps to carry the story.
Loved that the Prince and the folks of the realm found a peaceful solution to what could have been a very nasty situation. No slaying of dragons or eating of people. How refreshing.
Dragons, are not to be trifled with - but perhaps offering a trifle or two would do the trick - LOL.
I had a bit of trouble with the scansion of the following line.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Perhaps it was the dropping of the final stressed syllable on the final Anapest - but if I'm reading the meter right, the line starts with a dropped unstressed syllable on the first Anapest - Also known as a Headless Anapest, or Catalexis:
That DRAG / on's just STARV / ing, I'm WILL / ing to VEN / ture he
4 Anapestic feet, followed by 2 unstressed syllables at the end of the line.
Once you read it through a couple of times, it can be worked in quite well, but it tripped me up enough that I had to do just that.
It's perfectly fine to drop an unstressed syllable at the head of the line as you have done here, and it's perfectly fine to end a line with a feminine ending, as you did so well in the opening lines:
For the GOBB /l de GOOKS / in their KING / dom stu PEN /dous,
The FEEL/ ing is THRILL / ing, tri-UMPH / ant, tre MEN /dous.
The 'Venture he' rhyme was the only line in the whole poem that caused me to trip over my tongue. Perhaps it's just me.
You have some fun words, and some excellent alliteration too.
Callays and Cahoos - smile.
thrilling, triumphant, tremendous (all big words for little tykes - but ones they would enjoy learning and sounding out with gusto.)
Great play on words with High Tease Café (High Teas Café) and perhaps even a sound alike to high-seas. None-the-less, it's quite brilliant and fun.
As always, Steve - You tell a great story in these poems. I hope you have followed through to get some of them published.
Rose.
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Another fantastic story spun about the Gobbledegooks and their fanciful kingdom.
I really enjoyed your use of Anapestic Tetrameter. Anapest is such a great meter for children and helps them with the reading and comprehension of big words and how to get their mouth around them. It also helps to carry the story.
Loved that the Prince and the folks of the realm found a peaceful solution to what could have been a very nasty situation. No slaying of dragons or eating of people. How refreshing.
Dragons, are not to be trifled with - but perhaps offering a trifle or two would do the trick - LOL.
I had a bit of trouble with the scansion of the following line.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Perhaps it was the dropping of the final stressed syllable on the final Anapest - but if I'm reading the meter right, the line starts with a dropped unstressed syllable on the first Anapest - Also known as a Headless Anapest, or Catalexis:
That DRAG / on's just STARV / ing, I'm WILL / ing to VEN / ture he
4 Anapestic feet, followed by 2 unstressed syllables at the end of the line.
Once you read it through a couple of times, it can be worked in quite well, but it tripped me up enough that I had to do just that.
It's perfectly fine to drop an unstressed syllable at the head of the line as you have done here, and it's perfectly fine to end a line with a feminine ending, as you did so well in the opening lines:
For the GOBB /l de GOOKS / in their KING / dom stu PEN /dous,
The FEEL/ ing is THRILL / ing, tri-UMPH / ant, tre MEN /dous.
The 'Venture he' rhyme was the only line in the whole poem that caused me to trip over my tongue. Perhaps it's just me.
You have some fun words, and some excellent alliteration too.
Callays and Cahoos - smile.
thrilling, triumphant, tremendous (all big words for little tykes - but ones they would enjoy learning and sounding out with gusto.)
Great play on words with High Tease Café (High Teas Café) and perhaps even a sound alike to high-seas. None-the-less, it's quite brilliant and fun.
As always, Steve - You tell a great story in these poems. I hope you have followed through to get some of them published.
Rose.
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Rose, thanks for the excellent review. You've gone above and beyond here.
It's interesting how reviewers are divided on that 'venture he' line. For a couple, it's their favourite. For others, they stumble like you have.I can understand both points of view - I had a chuckle putting in an original and slightly weird rhyme. If I was reading the poem aloud, venture he would certainly rhyme with century - just drop the H and run the words together. I see it as just another feminine ending, except there are two unstressed syllables instead of one. I wouldn't do it in a serious poem, but here it's kind of OK, especially given all the other feminine endings.
On the other hand, if a reader comes to that fresh, s/he probably will stumble, and that's a negative. I've just got to hope they recognise that the quirkiness of the rhyme matches the quirkiness of the rest of the poem.
So, thanks again - you've certainly given me something to think about and a glowing review as well. Thumb coming your way.
Steve
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I just had to six this poem. It is delightful and I love nonsense poems that is a fact so you combined that with telling a story. You thought up some really unique words in this tale Steve. Well done. A winner in my opinion. Nancy
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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I just had to six this poem. It is delightful and I love nonsense poems that is a fact so you combined that with telling a story. You thought up some really unique words in this tale Steve. Well done. A winner in my opinion. Nancy
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Nancy, thanks so much for the very warm review and the six stars. I appreciate both.
Steve
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello kiwisteveh,
My, what a fun read this was! It's so original, and cute, and the rhyme is great, with a bump here and there.
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, "I have a plan!
"I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century."
"Now, I have a friend at the High Tease Cafe,
Whose baking will brighten most anyone's day."
And so it's decided, with no more ado.
Young Hilda is summoned; she summons her crew.
This is where the bumpiness is. Also, I'm wondering about the placement of the quotation marks.
I researched this online. Since there don't seem to be specific suggestions relating to dialogue in poetry, I'd follow the guidelines for prose, which means this would be correct:
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, "I have a plan!
I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century."
"Now, I have a friend at the High Tease Cafe,
Whose baking will brighten most anyone's day."
And so it's decided, with no more ado.
Young Hilda is summoned; she summons her crew.
Or, you could use italics to indicate dialogue:
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, I have a plan!
I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century.
Now, I have a friend at the High Tease Cafe,
Whose baking will brighten most anyone's day.
And so it's decided, with no more ado.
Young Hilda is summoned; she summons her crew.
One more suggestion, if I may. "He" at the end of that line is awkward. You can eliminate that this way:
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, "I have a plan!
I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, and I'm willing to venture
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century.
Remember, kiwisteveh: This is one opinion. You are the last and best judge when it comes to your writing.
Good luck in the contest!
Lana
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Hello kiwisteveh,
My, what a fun read this was! It's so original, and cute, and the rhyme is great, with a bump here and there.
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, "I have a plan!
"I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century."
"Now, I have a friend at the High Tease Cafe,
Whose baking will brighten most anyone's day."
And so it's decided, with no more ado.
Young Hilda is summoned; she summons her crew.
This is where the bumpiness is. Also, I'm wondering about the placement of the quotation marks.
I researched this online. Since there don't seem to be specific suggestions relating to dialogue in poetry, I'd follow the guidelines for prose, which means this would be correct:
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, "I have a plan!
I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century."
"Now, I have a friend at the High Tease Cafe,
Whose baking will brighten most anyone's day."
And so it's decided, with no more ado.
Young Hilda is summoned; she summons her crew.
Or, you could use italics to indicate dialogue:
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, I have a plan!
I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, I'm willing to venture he
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century.
Now, I have a friend at the High Tease Cafe,
Whose baking will brighten most anyone's day.
And so it's decided, with no more ado.
Young Hilda is summoned; she summons her crew.
One more suggestion, if I may. "He" at the end of that line is awkward. You can eliminate that this way:
Prince Rupert strides forward, cries, "I have a plan!
I'm sure it will save us, if anything can.
That dragon's just starving, and I'm willing to venture
Hasn't been fed since the fourth or fifth century.
Remember, kiwisteveh: This is one opinion. You are the last and best judge when it comes to your writing.
Good luck in the contest!
Lana
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Hi, Lana. First of all, let me say welcome to FanStory - hope you like it here.
Thanks for this great review. You've obviously read the poem carefully and with understanding. If I can just respond to a couple of your points.
The quotation mark at the beginning of the second line you quote is a typo. I agree with your assessment of how it could/should be handled. In this case, where the same speaker continues from the end of one stanza into the next, I like to close the quotation marks and then re-open them. I have no idea if this is correct or standard - it just seems like an appropriate way to do it!
The bumpiness - I think any poem this length will have some. That's to be expected and I'm OK with that. The particular bump caused by the silly little rhyme of venture he/century has caused some queries from reviewers, but also a couple of compliments for an ingenious rhyme. I'm aware that on a first reading, it may cause the reader to stumble, but on the other hand, it may be seen as a piece of quirkiness in keeping with the rest of the poem. I'm going to keep it, but I appreciate your suggestions.
Thanks again - a valuable review.
Steve
Comment from johnwilson
Oh, I did enjoy! I loved the imagination, similes, adjectives and delight in this poem. I am still smiling. I will visit your portfolio as I would love to read some others of this type. Did you pen the drawing as well?! Children and grownchildren need to be introduced to more of these types of books. Real poetry instead of insipid stuff-n-stuff! Great!
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Oh, I did enjoy! I loved the imagination, similes, adjectives and delight in this poem. I am still smiling. I will visit your portfolio as I would love to read some others of this type. Did you pen the drawing as well?! Children and grownchildren need to be introduced to more of these types of books. Real poetry instead of insipid stuff-n-stuff! Great!
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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John, thanks for the lovely review. You are most welcome to trawl through my portfolio. There are all sorts in there. The children's poems are mostly gathered together in a book, although you will find the Gobbledegooks and also my Cheezel the Weasel poems in their own 'books'.
If you click on the magnifying glass search icon, the books all rise to the top, making them easy to find.
Cheers.
Steve
Comment from P1
this is a really great children's poem and also
you do tell the story but in amazing rhyme
i'm sure this, with pictures would keep a
child happy and i would make a lovely gift
good luck with this it was a pleasure to read
your words
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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this is a really great children's poem and also
you do tell the story but in amazing rhyme
i'm sure this, with pictures would keep a
child happy and i would make a lovely gift
good luck with this it was a pleasure to read
your words
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Thanks very much for your kind words.
Steve
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Wonderful! I love dragon stories and would love to have one for a pet. That would frighten off the taxman, lol. This is a really well written contest entry, I love the story, I love the words, gobbledegooks and the rhyming is superb. It was fortunate that the dragon loves cream cakes! Brilliant, and good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Wonderful! I love dragon stories and would love to have one for a pet. That would frighten off the taxman, lol. This is a really well written contest entry, I love the story, I love the words, gobbledegooks and the rhyming is superb. It was fortunate that the dragon loves cream cakes! Brilliant, and good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Thanks, Sandra. A dragon for a pet would be good, although the upkeep sounds like it might be a bit expensive!
Steve
Comment from Joy Graham
This is really cute, Steve :) I love that their great plan is to bake for the dragon. Then he goes back to sleep. You have a fun imagination. Love your rhythmic lines with fun aabb rhymes. You should dominate this contest. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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This is really cute, Steve :) I love that their great plan is to bake for the dragon. Then he goes back to sleep. You have a fun imagination. Love your rhythmic lines with fun aabb rhymes. You should dominate this contest. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Thanks, Joy. I had fun with this, as I do with all of the Gobbledegooks poems. As for dominating... I suspect not.
Steve
Comment from jpduck
I think this is great. Very clever rhyming and perfect scansion combined with a cheeky humour will make this a hit with children in a wide age-range, I would think.
Adrian
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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I think this is great. Very clever rhyming and perfect scansion combined with a cheeky humour will make this a hit with children in a wide age-range, I would think.
Adrian
Comment Written 23-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Thanks, jp. Glad you enjoyed.
Steve