I Hereby Crown Thee ...
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Dream of Droll Dichotomy's Design"A collection of crowns of sonnets
74 total reviews
Comment from Judian James
OMG Mike!! This is superb and you've much patience to tackle one of these ... the kind of patience I will never have (never say never, right?) Anyway, it's brilliant straight through and you did NOT have to do such a high payout, BUT thanks!! Fabulous use of multi-syllable words throughout, great enjambment, marvelous visuals and many, many memorable lines while you stayed on message and came full circle to where evil dwells. One little nit: "tournequets" for Americans is pronounced to rhyme with "bits" Otherwise, perfection (no sixes allowed for you from me yet) This is one of those pieces to be read and reread and savored for something newly discovered each time
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
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OMG Mike!! This is superb and you've much patience to tackle one of these ... the kind of patience I will never have (never say never, right?) Anyway, it's brilliant straight through and you did NOT have to do such a high payout, BUT thanks!! Fabulous use of multi-syllable words throughout, great enjambment, marvelous visuals and many, many memorable lines while you stayed on message and came full circle to where evil dwells. One little nit: "tournequets" for Americans is pronounced to rhyme with "bits" Otherwise, perfection (no sixes allowed for you from me yet) This is one of those pieces to be read and reread and savored for something newly discovered each time
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
Thank you, my friend :-). I actually write this in under 40 minutes on a train ride home, but then the headache set in as I wasn't allowed any repeat rhymes at all, and I had loads! Editing this for the contest was far more difficult than composing it to begin with. Still, got there in the end. Now I just need to go through Rama Devi's list of nits :-.
I know these can take a while to read, so I wanted to make the payout suitably hefty.
Most of all though, I'm just happy you like it :-).
Mike
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I thought it was superb and I forgot to mention that I loved the title ... clever!! Oh, I didn't read the rules (cuz I didn't care!)
NO repeat rhymes even if you were three sonnets apart?? Ridiculous
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Will read again soon. :-))
PS--Love the changes
First review (FOUR stars)
Kudos to you!
Super-impressive work, my friend. Intense and thought provoking. A bold, ambitious look at the dark side. Forceful, provocative and extremely well crafted, though I did spot a few nits you might like to tweak and fine tune.
Sonnets are your forte, and I consider you a master...but writing such a long one there are bound to be small issues hard to notice without a fresh eye. Rather than take time to note all the amazing phrases and outstanding uses of poetic devices like alliteration, consonance, internal rhyme and assonance, I'll focus on the nits since no one else has and I also know you expect it of me! Your rhyming is as always, fresh, original and superb. Love storm, swarm and conform.
i wish I had time (and concentration) to go into all the rich and wonderful nuances and depth of meaning...but I hope it suffices that you know I applaud them and give them standing ovations. Exceptional work, overall.
Many lines stand out super-expectionally, so I'll note them here:
--
In decades' hindsight, sadness shatters calm
as understanding burgeons in the vein;
--
This section is particularly thought provoking:
that thought is overwrought, and justice claimed
by tyrants of interpretation's strength,
and in our minds' perceptions we're defamed
because we measure power's vim, not length,
for only death exists to quell the storm,
if final wry soliloquies conform.
--
beyond an ooze that yearns to seize the day
with dominant compassion and a dream,
to suffocate with hopeful tourniquets
all traces of the danger in the seams
--
of senses' limits and perception's role.
We are the enemy we must unseat,
the devil we incarnate in the hole
we dug to hold detritus of defeat
beneath the well from which denial springs,
a symbol of the sustenance fear brings.
--
a firewall built against all question's gaze,
we generate connections understood
by only minotaurs lost in the maze
of circuitry and airwaves uncontrolled
except by artificial thinking's wiles.
--
to weave a rope so strong that none will balk,
each human twining like a strand of hemp
--
Inducted in a sigh beyond compare,
the world will see potential doesn't tire
when mined with open minds and fervent grip
upon the haft of demonstration's blade.
Small nits to look at-some of them relate to pronunciation that may differ between dictions. Some of the scansion issues are very subtle and can be ignored, but I will put a *** symbol next to ones that i feel definitely need attention. Some of these are suggestions, not corrections, like fabric minds', etc.
*
into the gulf of daytime's killing spree.
Scansion slightly off with unnatural accent on inTO
*
that wail away our fabric minds' design
Fabric minds is an odd phrase and may be more digestible with a hyphen
fabric-minds'
*
So poise those pens, you brave almighty scribes,
you articles of words' sly, patient reign
I think YOU should be YOUR, no?
* Scansion slightly off with stress on unTO
unto a land of dreams without aplomb,
*
A symbol of the sustenance fear brings
is wrought in brands we burn into the hides
of worker ants that weave as profit sings
an aria to rote, fame, lust and brides
i love the aria line but stumble on the idea that ant have HIDES...though I guess they have tiny ones...sounds odd to me, so makes the rhyme sound forced.
*
Whilst shadowing our faces in a hood;
Whilst is an outdated word...but perhaps you aimed for that? I suggest using WHILE. Just a matter of taste.
*Scansion sounds off here because the feminine rhyme does not flow well into THat in the next line-
Invention is a fantasy; our yearning
that urgent breath's not just monotony
try reading aloud..
***Scansion off in all lines here-
and predilections to avoid the heap.
Rebellion is the natural state we ought
in financial dominion 'cross the earth
*scansion off unless one pronounces it vuln'rable-
with vulnerable delight and shy approach.
*
thereby define a path all creeds can walk
In context of the stanza, this line sounds odd because grammatically it would be 'and thereby'. I think it would sound better with a gerund.Suggest-
thereby defining paths all creeds can walk
*** scansion off-
if generosity's a word all talk.
*reverse syntax makes this line sound slightly forced-
then language cannot barrier attempts
* scansion slightly off on inTO
so all can climb into the guiding glare
*with aspiration's elevation's fire.
This line sounds awkward read aloud (to my ear). Suggest an alternative:
with aspiration's elevated fire.
*
We only need remember, with the dusk(,)
to batten down the hatches while the dark
The closing is outstanding, too:
--
We only need remember, with the dusk(,)
to batten down the hatches while the dark
invades with calculation and the husk
we shed with understanding, bright and stark,
that sometimes evil dwells behind the light;
in every sunrise lurks the lee of night.
Truly an exceptional impressive and intense work --and a contender for my vote--but not yet fully polished. Hope this helps~
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
|
Second review
Will read again soon. :-))
PS--Love the changes
First review (FOUR stars)
Kudos to you!
Super-impressive work, my friend. Intense and thought provoking. A bold, ambitious look at the dark side. Forceful, provocative and extremely well crafted, though I did spot a few nits you might like to tweak and fine tune.
Sonnets are your forte, and I consider you a master...but writing such a long one there are bound to be small issues hard to notice without a fresh eye. Rather than take time to note all the amazing phrases and outstanding uses of poetic devices like alliteration, consonance, internal rhyme and assonance, I'll focus on the nits since no one else has and I also know you expect it of me! Your rhyming is as always, fresh, original and superb. Love storm, swarm and conform.
i wish I had time (and concentration) to go into all the rich and wonderful nuances and depth of meaning...but I hope it suffices that you know I applaud them and give them standing ovations. Exceptional work, overall.
Many lines stand out super-expectionally, so I'll note them here:
--
In decades' hindsight, sadness shatters calm
as understanding burgeons in the vein;
--
This section is particularly thought provoking:
that thought is overwrought, and justice claimed
by tyrants of interpretation's strength,
and in our minds' perceptions we're defamed
because we measure power's vim, not length,
for only death exists to quell the storm,
if final wry soliloquies conform.
--
beyond an ooze that yearns to seize the day
with dominant compassion and a dream,
to suffocate with hopeful tourniquets
all traces of the danger in the seams
--
of senses' limits and perception's role.
We are the enemy we must unseat,
the devil we incarnate in the hole
we dug to hold detritus of defeat
beneath the well from which denial springs,
a symbol of the sustenance fear brings.
--
a firewall built against all question's gaze,
we generate connections understood
by only minotaurs lost in the maze
of circuitry and airwaves uncontrolled
except by artificial thinking's wiles.
--
to weave a rope so strong that none will balk,
each human twining like a strand of hemp
--
Inducted in a sigh beyond compare,
the world will see potential doesn't tire
when mined with open minds and fervent grip
upon the haft of demonstration's blade.
Small nits to look at-some of them relate to pronunciation that may differ between dictions. Some of the scansion issues are very subtle and can be ignored, but I will put a *** symbol next to ones that i feel definitely need attention. Some of these are suggestions, not corrections, like fabric minds', etc.
*
into the gulf of daytime's killing spree.
Scansion slightly off with unnatural accent on inTO
*
that wail away our fabric minds' design
Fabric minds is an odd phrase and may be more digestible with a hyphen
fabric-minds'
*
So poise those pens, you brave almighty scribes,
you articles of words' sly, patient reign
I think YOU should be YOUR, no?
* Scansion slightly off with stress on unTO
unto a land of dreams without aplomb,
*
A symbol of the sustenance fear brings
is wrought in brands we burn into the hides
of worker ants that weave as profit sings
an aria to rote, fame, lust and brides
i love the aria line but stumble on the idea that ant have HIDES...though I guess they have tiny ones...sounds odd to me, so makes the rhyme sound forced.
*
Whilst shadowing our faces in a hood;
Whilst is an outdated word...but perhaps you aimed for that? I suggest using WHILE. Just a matter of taste.
*Scansion sounds off here because the feminine rhyme does not flow well into THat in the next line-
Invention is a fantasy; our yearning
that urgent breath's not just monotony
try reading aloud..
***Scansion off in all lines here-
and predilections to avoid the heap.
Rebellion is the natural state we ought
in financial dominion 'cross the earth
*scansion off unless one pronounces it vuln'rable-
with vulnerable delight and shy approach.
*
thereby define a path all creeds can walk
In context of the stanza, this line sounds odd because grammatically it would be 'and thereby'. I think it would sound better with a gerund.Suggest-
thereby defining paths all creeds can walk
*** scansion off-
if generosity's a word all talk.
*reverse syntax makes this line sound slightly forced-
then language cannot barrier attempts
* scansion slightly off on inTO
so all can climb into the guiding glare
*with aspiration's elevation's fire.
This line sounds awkward read aloud (to my ear). Suggest an alternative:
with aspiration's elevated fire.
*
We only need remember, with the dusk(,)
to batten down the hatches while the dark
The closing is outstanding, too:
--
We only need remember, with the dusk(,)
to batten down the hatches while the dark
invades with calculation and the husk
we shed with understanding, bright and stark,
that sometimes evil dwells behind the light;
in every sunrise lurks the lee of night.
Truly an exceptional impressive and intense work --and a contender for my vote--but not yet fully polished. Hope this helps~
Love,
rd
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
-
RD, there's no way I can thank you enough for all the time and effort you've put into helping me out here. I'm thrilled with your response to the lines you like, and thankful for your attention to the ones that don't quite work. I've given it two polishes now, and I know it's a far better poem for your thoughts and suggestions. Thank you so much :-)
Mike
-
Thanks for your gracious response and appreciation...I appreciate it! Glad you've given two polishes. I do not have time to read again right now (or answer my own reviews, either) but I'll upgrade ahead of time and re-read when I can.
Warmest regards,
rd
Comment from M. Karol
Thus evolve men from dark ages
harboring hatred in recesses
and be guilty of holding the light
there upon that shines over all and caresses
Liked the mood and flow of your forceful poem. Got stuck at places to get to the underlying meaning but did get the drift. Wonderful rhyming and thoughts. Compact.A positive ending.
madhvi
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
 |
Thus evolve men from dark ages
harboring hatred in recesses
and be guilty of holding the light
there upon that shines over all and caresses
Liked the mood and flow of your forceful poem. Got stuck at places to get to the underlying meaning but did get the drift. Wonderful rhyming and thoughts. Compact.A positive ending.
madhvi
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
Thank you so much for the brilliant review and special rating, Madhvi. I love writing these thoughtful pieces, and I'm so glad it came across so well for you.
Mike
Comment from James crofoot
Dude, the comments you inspired with this I'm afraid I wrote into a poem. Sorry, but you'll have read them when i post it. Woke determined to write a poem or two today and this greatly inspired me.
I'm not an expert in this type of sonnet, but the form looks perfectly fine to me, I even read back through it and I'm going to read it again later when I have more time. The rhyming scheme works for me as well as the meter. My attention was held through out. As I said, My imagination was flamed with the form and content.
This is and excellent work. I'm sure you have a good chance at winning this contest, but, again, I'm not an expert.
Thanks for paying me to read this, it was a pleasure.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
|
Dude, the comments you inspired with this I'm afraid I wrote into a poem. Sorry, but you'll have read them when i post it. Woke determined to write a poem or two today and this greatly inspired me.
I'm not an expert in this type of sonnet, but the form looks perfectly fine to me, I even read back through it and I'm going to read it again later when I have more time. The rhyming scheme works for me as well as the meter. My attention was held through out. As I said, My imagination was flamed with the form and content.
This is and excellent work. I'm sure you have a good chance at winning this contest, but, again, I'm not an expert.
Thanks for paying me to read this, it was a pleasure.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
James, thanks so much for the awesome review and rating. I will look forward to reading your resulting poem. As you've probably noticed, my pieces areboften inspired by others I've reviewedvhere on Fanstory. I'm so glad you liked it.
Mike
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Brilliant, Mike. What else is there to say? People are selfish by nature. It's a survival mechanism that few have managed to control. Most don't even see the need to control it. Another masterful chapter in your incredible book. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
|
Brilliant, Mike. What else is there to say? People are selfish by nature. It's a survival mechanism that few have managed to control. Most don't even see the need to control it. Another masterful chapter in your incredible book. :) Nancy
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
Thank you, Nancy - I really appreciate the fantastic review and special rating :-). I'm not sure people will ever see the link between 'progress' and stagnation, or thought and stupidity, but it certainly bears thinking about!
Mike
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello Michael, I am Glen Bear Smith
You are right this is a monstrous long Sonnet, but it is so worthy of the time to take to read and digest it. I feel that this is a remarkable entry for this contest. Best wishes
Bear
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
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Hello Michael, I am Glen Bear Smith
You are right this is a monstrous long Sonnet, but it is so worthy of the time to take to read and digest it. I feel that this is a remarkable entry for this contest. Best wishes
Bear
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for the great review, Bear - I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from Natureschild
Wow! What a mammoth task and I like it. I'm no expert on sonnets so I can only comments on content. The lines containing -- we soak our tears on tissues of our life --
paint a moving image for me.
My favorite quatrain --
We only need remember, with the dusk
to batten down the hatches while the dark
invades with calculation and the husk
we shed with understanding, bright and stark,
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
|
Wow! What a mammoth task and I like it. I'm no expert on sonnets so I can only comments on content. The lines containing -- we soak our tears on tissues of our life --
paint a moving image for me.
My favorite quatrain --
We only need remember, with the dusk
to batten down the hatches while the dark
invades with calculation and the husk
we shed with understanding, bright and stark,
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
Thank you, NC - I'm really happy you enjoyed the read :-).
Mike
Comment from cupa tea
Wow, what an inspiring piece of work! I've never seen a poem this long before, posted to this site. I admire the time it took to write it as well as to think it through...
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
|
Wow, what an inspiring piece of work! I've never seen a poem this long before, posted to this site. I admire the time it took to write it as well as to think it through...
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
-
Thank you, Cupa! These are quite a challenge to write, but do give one an opportunity to fully explore a theme. So glad you liked it :-).
Mike
Comment from Jen Gentry
Crown of Heroic Sonnets
This form is new to me and while I am not overly fond of sonnets (I found them to be mostly morose and even suffocating) I admit that I found yours to be very philosophic and even interesting to read with the challenge of reading between the lines so to speak. Great job!
One nit (i think) "mould" should be mold but I could be wrong about that
blessings'
Jenny
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
|
Crown of Heroic Sonnets
This form is new to me and while I am not overly fond of sonnets (I found them to be mostly morose and even suffocating) I admit that I found yours to be very philosophic and even interesting to read with the challenge of reading between the lines so to speak. Great job!
One nit (i think) "mould" should be mold but I could be wrong about that
blessings'
Jenny
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
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Thank you, Jenny :-). You're right that sonnets can be quite stuffy and uptight. I try to buck that trend with mine, and I'm heartily glad you enjoyed the piece.
Mike
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! Mike you worked very hard on this excellent poetry here old sport. Well done indeed and good luck in the contest old boy.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
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Wow! Mike you worked very hard on this excellent poetry here old sport. Well done indeed and good luck in the contest old boy.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Chris 7 really appreciated, mate.
Mike
