Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 " Im Waiting......."memiors from my life experiences.
59 total reviews
Comment from Dave the wave
I liked your poem about oil it was very great I think you should write a book you have the talent plus you could make yourself some money you have the talent keep writing your an excellent writer and I like the picter too take vcare of your self your friend always Dave the wave
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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I liked your poem about oil it was very great I think you should write a book you have the talent plus you could make yourself some money you have the talent keep writing your an excellent writer and I like the picter too take vcare of your self your friend always Dave the wave
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Thank you dave.
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you are very welcome yor friend Dave the wave
Comment from irsajay
Amazingly foreboding; Omen at its best; the tongue of Beast at work; the Halloween all will fail because your poem has arrived on the scene. [Just kidding]
My pot is boiling and will do nothing when the earth is out of oil--I'll just remember your poem.
Great reading.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Amazingly foreboding; Omen at its best; the tongue of Beast at work; the Halloween all will fail because your poem has arrived on the scene. [Just kidding]
My pot is boiling and will do nothing when the earth is out of oil--I'll just remember your poem.
Great reading.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Thank you. Happy Halloween.
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You are welcome.
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
This left me wondering what WILL happen when the Earth' out of oil? Not familar with this form of poetry, but found it interesting. I have to say, I didn't 'get' most of the messages? Not to mention that the 'Little Billy' threw me completely, as I saw no reference in the poem to 'Little Billy'??
Quite a few 'spags' in this writing!
"Your Christ say's you lay down your life" (drop the apostrophe in 'says') I also did not understand the message here.
"But your sister your brother your neighbor your wife?"
Commas missing after 'your sister(,) your brother(,) your neighbor(,) your wife'
At first, I thought this was intentional, but I see that you are using commas elsewhere in the poem, so this is a spag.
"All your dreams that I will foil. Cut through it all with a great big knife." (cut through THEM all?) Also, I think the 'great big knife' sounds childish. Perhaps, "my raging knife"? or "revenging knife"?
"All of your hopes will never re spoil." Should be respoil, or re-spoil' but 'recoil' would sound better and make more sense, as I'm not even sure re spoil is a word.
"When you feel the pain's of hunger and strife." (drop apostrophe on 'pains') "Pain" would sound better, or even "pang/pangs".
"All you kings that think that you are royal" This is poor grammar. 'All YOU kings THAT think THAT'. I'm asking here, firstly,why a King would not think he is royal? This would read much better as "All OF YOUR kings who think THEY are royal" and you'll hold your syllable count as well.
I like your basic message, but still needs a lot of editing. Thanks, Betty
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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This left me wondering what WILL happen when the Earth' out of oil? Not familar with this form of poetry, but found it interesting. I have to say, I didn't 'get' most of the messages? Not to mention that the 'Little Billy' threw me completely, as I saw no reference in the poem to 'Little Billy'??
Quite a few 'spags' in this writing!
"Your Christ say's you lay down your life" (drop the apostrophe in 'says') I also did not understand the message here.
"But your sister your brother your neighbor your wife?"
Commas missing after 'your sister(,) your brother(,) your neighbor(,) your wife'
At first, I thought this was intentional, but I see that you are using commas elsewhere in the poem, so this is a spag.
"All your dreams that I will foil. Cut through it all with a great big knife." (cut through THEM all?) Also, I think the 'great big knife' sounds childish. Perhaps, "my raging knife"? or "revenging knife"?
"All of your hopes will never re spoil." Should be respoil, or re-spoil' but 'recoil' would sound better and make more sense, as I'm not even sure re spoil is a word.
"When you feel the pain's of hunger and strife." (drop apostrophe on 'pains') "Pain" would sound better, or even "pang/pangs".
"All you kings that think that you are royal" This is poor grammar. 'All YOU kings THAT think THAT'. I'm asking here, firstly,why a King would not think he is royal? This would read much better as "All OF YOUR kings who think THEY are royal" and you'll hold your syllable count as well.
I like your basic message, but still needs a lot of editing. Thanks, Betty
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your review corrections made I think.
Comment from Amicus
Pretty good dark social commentary. Using the grim reaper as your narrative voice was clever and effective as was the choice of villanelle to juxtapose a form that is normally for more upbeat content with this sobering content. What will we do indeed...your poem provides a thought provoking wake up call.
Some nits in the presentation...check all you apostrophes as you misuse 's when denoting plural several times as if you were denoting possession.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Pretty good dark social commentary. Using the grim reaper as your narrative voice was clever and effective as was the choice of villanelle to juxtapose a form that is normally for more upbeat content with this sobering content. What will we do indeed...your poem provides a thought provoking wake up call.
Some nits in the presentation...check all you apostrophes as you misuse 's when denoting plural several times as if you were denoting possession.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JennieClare
What a graphic way of getting us to sit up and take notice - we are running out of oil! Very serious subject dealt with superbly in this vilanelle (thanks for explaining this). JennieClare
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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What a graphic way of getting us to sit up and take notice - we are running out of oil! Very serious subject dealt with superbly in this vilanelle (thanks for explaining this). JennieClare
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Your welcome ans thanks for the review.
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello keimosobie!
Love your username. This is a very good piece of social commentary. Oil, oil, oil! When, if ever, will we learn? Only one tiny error:
Your Christ say's...
No need for apostrophe.
Ray
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Hello keimosobie!
Love your username. This is a very good piece of social commentary. Oil, oil, oil! When, if ever, will we learn? Only one tiny error:
Your Christ say's...
No need for apostrophe.
Ray
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Thank you correction made.
Comment from words
Most definitely a timely write.
Yes:
All you kings that think that you are royal.
You will all beg for mercy under my scythe.
Stir the pot it's going to boil
What will you do when the earth's out of oil?
I would laugh if it were not so tragic ... most of the world has built a way of life on a non sustainable resource .... and no matter how much evidence is presented, the invested powers that be refuse to acknowledge the obvious ... we are running out of oil.
Well done.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Most definitely a timely write.
Yes:
All you kings that think that you are royal.
You will all beg for mercy under my scythe.
Stir the pot it's going to boil
What will you do when the earth's out of oil?
I would laugh if it were not so tragic ... most of the world has built a way of life on a non sustainable resource .... and no matter how much evidence is presented, the invested powers that be refuse to acknowledge the obvious ... we are running out of oil.
Well done.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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thank you.
Comment from Joan E.
I enjoyed your villanelle and its great repeating lines. ("earth's" lost its apostrophe.) I also particularly liked your speaking in the voice of the "Grim Reaper" and your "knife" and "scythe" metaphors.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed your villanelle and its great repeating lines. ("earth's" lost its apostrophe.) I also particularly liked your speaking in the voice of the "Grim Reaper" and your "knife" and "scythe" metaphors.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Thank you.
Comment from telespectral
Very nicely written. If there is an issue on this planet that we are going to have to deal with it is the oil issue. Your points are well received. I like it.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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Very nicely written. If there is an issue on this planet that we are going to have to deal with it is the oil issue. Your points are well received. I like it.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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thank you.
Comment from skye
I love these structured poems, the form, the rules.
You have captured our contemporary dilemmas well in this villanelle, with its repeating lines, warnings, strong images.
Very well done.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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I love these structured poems, the form, the rules.
You have captured our contemporary dilemmas well in this villanelle, with its repeating lines, warnings, strong images.
Very well done.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2010
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thank you.