Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
50 total reviews
Comment from Seaborn
It flowed well and kept my attention the entire time. Not every paragraph can be blood sizzling action, so don't worry about it. There is still a lot going on and that is the important part. I didn't catch any grammatical or spelling errors, although I thought I noticed some funky punctuation but when I went back to look, I couldn't find it, so it must not be anything too funky.
Good job and I look forward to reading more! LS
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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It flowed well and kept my attention the entire time. Not every paragraph can be blood sizzling action, so don't worry about it. There is still a lot going on and that is the important part. I didn't catch any grammatical or spelling errors, although I thought I noticed some funky punctuation but when I went back to look, I couldn't find it, so it must not be anything too funky.
Good job and I look forward to reading more! LS
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you and I will recheck, sometimes I make punctuation errors.
Comment from Summer Falls
Hi Barbara!
Ohhh, fantastic cliff hanger! I know well of a mother's intuition. It is never wrong. I hope Emily is okay. (I love the name.)
You did well with the hook at the beginning of your chapter as well. Left, right, left, right, left, and then right. (Omg, this was fantastic.) What a visual you produced of Steven being mesmerized by that. With those simple words you created quite the scene when you added 'and then right.' lmao. Good work, Barbara!
I gotta feeling Steven is a hunky, yummy kinda guy. I got a picture in my head, and it is not descent. lmao.
short, military cut (well, seeing as military cut is short, I think eliminating the word short would make the sentence less wordy.) I just love a military man. lol. Okay, so he is not in uniform, or in the military, but for some reason, I picture him that way. Probably that SHORT military haircut. lmao. Ahhh, another visual--I can just smell his cologne.
So Matt and Dani have a son and now a daughter. This was very sweet, and conveyed a length of time since they married. That and the fact Matt is no longer doing field work. kinda. lol. You did a good job of letting the reader know they are secondary characters in this book. Though I will miss Matt, I already have my sights set on Steven. Fickle thing aren't I? (OH, don't worry. Galeron will always be my first love. lol.)
Now, who is the mysterious butt wiggler with the captivating eyes? Steven's radar is peaked. (Well, I am being a lady and calling it his radar. wink wink, he is a guy after all!)
This was a great set up chapter, Barbara. You have my interest in this sequel of Pretty little neck. What's nice is I wouldn't even need the first book to follow this one-- all new characters. (Complete with another hottie to replace hunky Matt.)
I took a few notes while I read. Nothing major, mostly typo's or evil Eddie wreaking a bit of havoc. We need to send Galeron and Matt after him.
Summer
"You might as well surrender now."
"I know." Matt winked at Dani and laughed. {Evil Eddie messed with this spacing of paragraphs.}
Matt will be her in a few minutes." {Either Matt is getting an operation while Dani is recovering or you meant to type 'here' instead of 'her'}
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Hi Barbara!
Ohhh, fantastic cliff hanger! I know well of a mother's intuition. It is never wrong. I hope Emily is okay. (I love the name.)
You did well with the hook at the beginning of your chapter as well. Left, right, left, right, left, and then right. (Omg, this was fantastic.) What a visual you produced of Steven being mesmerized by that. With those simple words you created quite the scene when you added 'and then right.' lmao. Good work, Barbara!
I gotta feeling Steven is a hunky, yummy kinda guy. I got a picture in my head, and it is not descent. lmao.
short, military cut (well, seeing as military cut is short, I think eliminating the word short would make the sentence less wordy.) I just love a military man. lol. Okay, so he is not in uniform, or in the military, but for some reason, I picture him that way. Probably that SHORT military haircut. lmao. Ahhh, another visual--I can just smell his cologne.
So Matt and Dani have a son and now a daughter. This was very sweet, and conveyed a length of time since they married. That and the fact Matt is no longer doing field work. kinda. lol. You did a good job of letting the reader know they are secondary characters in this book. Though I will miss Matt, I already have my sights set on Steven. Fickle thing aren't I? (OH, don't worry. Galeron will always be my first love. lol.)
Now, who is the mysterious butt wiggler with the captivating eyes? Steven's radar is peaked. (Well, I am being a lady and calling it his radar. wink wink, he is a guy after all!)
This was a great set up chapter, Barbara. You have my interest in this sequel of Pretty little neck. What's nice is I wouldn't even need the first book to follow this one-- all new characters. (Complete with another hottie to replace hunky Matt.)
I took a few notes while I read. Nothing major, mostly typo's or evil Eddie wreaking a bit of havoc. We need to send Galeron and Matt after him.
Summer
"You might as well surrender now."
"I know." Matt winked at Dani and laughed. {Evil Eddie messed with this spacing of paragraphs.}
Matt will be her in a few minutes." {Either Matt is getting an operation while Dani is recovering or you meant to type 'here' instead of 'her'}
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thanks for catching them. I appreciate your eagle eye. I think you will enjoy Steven, I also think you will get a kick out the new female. She is capable of making mincement out of Steven in totally different ways than Dani even thought of.
Comment from bc1yax
most enjoyable - task force - on drugs - Dani has a little one - but why is Dani so concerned about her child?
-- the story so smooth like hot butter it went down --
-- the characters no dout were alive --
-- there were no lumps or bumps to slow the story down --
-- bc1yax
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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most enjoyable - task force - on drugs - Dani has a little one - but why is Dani so concerned about her child?
-- the story so smooth like hot butter it went down --
-- the characters no dout were alive --
-- there were no lumps or bumps to slow the story down --
-- bc1yax
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.
Comment from empire76
You have too much sub-story for a romance novel. As I read this chapter, I kept thinking this reads like another chapter in your previous book. Joe and Steven spend half of the first part talking about Matt and Dani.
In all, you spend about six lines on Steven and the woman (assuming she is the heroine of his story). This isn't good. While you want your readers to feel the continuity and enjoy 'what happened to Dani and Matt', you don't want that to overshadow this story. Let this be about Steven and Leya.
A related issue is therefore that the last part should be treated a little differently. You are telling us what's happening to Dani; your hero for this story isn't here and there's no indication that Dani's feelings and actions are related to Steve in any way.
Your objective here is to introduce your characters, but with emphasis on your leading man and woman. Without your story summary above, it would be hard for anyone to tell that this story is about Steven and Leya.
The other thing is that, you should attempt to introduce one of the conflicts. The promise of likable characters and conflict will act as a hook even without 'action'.
Other comments:
-"Probably not." Steven grinned. "Matt likes the adrenaline rush too much. Not even Dani can control that desire. ()
Quote missing.
- "As the money and the drugs exchanged hands, Matt got the call Dani was in labor. Is she ready for visitors?"
Who says this? Is it a continuation of Steve's dialogue (which would explain the missing quote above) or is it Joe's response?
- I need to check on the number (of) Peruvian visitors. Maybe we've suddenly become a vacation spot for Peru."
Word missing. Also, have you considered doing without the first part? The line might sound wittier with just the second part. (Just a thought)
- "Matt will be her(e) in a few minutes."
Empi
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
 |
You have too much sub-story for a romance novel. As I read this chapter, I kept thinking this reads like another chapter in your previous book. Joe and Steven spend half of the first part talking about Matt and Dani.
In all, you spend about six lines on Steven and the woman (assuming she is the heroine of his story). This isn't good. While you want your readers to feel the continuity and enjoy 'what happened to Dani and Matt', you don't want that to overshadow this story. Let this be about Steven and Leya.
A related issue is therefore that the last part should be treated a little differently. You are telling us what's happening to Dani; your hero for this story isn't here and there's no indication that Dani's feelings and actions are related to Steve in any way.
Your objective here is to introduce your characters, but with emphasis on your leading man and woman. Without your story summary above, it would be hard for anyone to tell that this story is about Steven and Leya.
The other thing is that, you should attempt to introduce one of the conflicts. The promise of likable characters and conflict will act as a hook even without 'action'.
Other comments:
-"Probably not." Steven grinned. "Matt likes the adrenaline rush too much. Not even Dani can control that desire. ()
Quote missing.
- "As the money and the drugs exchanged hands, Matt got the call Dani was in labor. Is she ready for visitors?"
Who says this? Is it a continuation of Steve's dialogue (which would explain the missing quote above) or is it Joe's response?
- I need to check on the number (of) Peruvian visitors. Maybe we've suddenly become a vacation spot for Peru."
Word missing. Also, have you considered doing without the first part? The line might sound wittier with just the second part. (Just a thought)
- "Matt will be her(e) in a few minutes."
Empi
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you for your review. I will recheck everything.
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Happy editing. LOL. Not a fun job but we have to do it. If you want me to re-look at it, I'll be happy to
E
Comment from nora arjuna
Oh, you're not wasting any time. Another book now, and I'm still stuck with mine. Looks like Dani's still not over danger? They still need to keep her under watch?
Just three catches:
Not even Dani can control that desire.["]
"I know." Matt winked at Dani and laughed. - insert a line before this.
"Matt will be [here] in a few minutes."
I'm too tied up with other things lately!
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Oh, you're not wasting any time. Another book now, and I'm still stuck with mine. Looks like Dani's still not over danger? They still need to keep her under watch?
Just three catches:
Not even Dani can control that desire.["]
"I know." Matt winked at Dani and laughed. - insert a line before this.
"Matt will be [here] in a few minutes."
I'm too tied up with other things lately!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you for your review. I have numerous book already complete. And one I'm writing, but only have time for one post at a time.
Comment from tomjo04
i think your on the right road with this story. You left me hanging wanting to know more. I will have to remember your name and the title of your story as I will want to finish this one. God job
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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i think your on the right road with this story. You left me hanging wanting to know more. I will have to remember your name and the title of your story as I will want to finish this one. God job
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from nor84
In the paragraph beginning "Steven nodded", I recommend omitting "of cocaine" because it's already clear from the previous paragraph that they're talking about cocaine.
In the paragraph beginning "probably not," the last sentence does not have ending quotation marks.
"If she has the same innocent, big-brown eyes >>> the hyphen should be removed. It's not a compound adjective when you say 'innocent big brown eyes'.
I recommend doing something to get rid of the three repeats of the word "eyes " in the sentences:
Their eyes met. He felt her eyes searching the depths of his soul.
"How can eyes be intrusive?" Steven asked silently>>> I don't think one can ask silently, and the quotation make it seem like dialogue.
"I'll get him, if you promise to stay in bed until we return?" >>> this is a statement, not a question. He is simply saying that if she stays in bed he'll get Matt. If you want to be a question, I suggest just having him say "Would you stay in bed until we return?"
Joe kissed her cheek(.) Turning toward the door he said, "Matt will be her (here)in a few minutes."
In that last paragraph, there is a change from the past tense you've been using to present tense with the word "screams". Should be "screamed".
My reviews are meant to be helpful. Take what you can use and disregard the rest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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In the paragraph beginning "Steven nodded", I recommend omitting "of cocaine" because it's already clear from the previous paragraph that they're talking about cocaine.
In the paragraph beginning "probably not," the last sentence does not have ending quotation marks.
"If she has the same innocent, big-brown eyes >>> the hyphen should be removed. It's not a compound adjective when you say 'innocent big brown eyes'.
I recommend doing something to get rid of the three repeats of the word "eyes " in the sentences:
Their eyes met. He felt her eyes searching the depths of his soul.
"How can eyes be intrusive?" Steven asked silently>>> I don't think one can ask silently, and the quotation make it seem like dialogue.
"I'll get him, if you promise to stay in bed until we return?" >>> this is a statement, not a question. He is simply saying that if she stays in bed he'll get Matt. If you want to be a question, I suggest just having him say "Would you stay in bed until we return?"
Joe kissed her cheek(.) Turning toward the door he said, "Matt will be her (here)in a few minutes."
In that last paragraph, there is a change from the past tense you've been using to present tense with the word "screams". Should be "screamed".
My reviews are meant to be helpful. Take what you can use and disregard the rest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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I always appreciate your reviews. It's the only way I learn. Thank you.
Comment from Readywriter52
"Matt will be her in a few minutes."
should be "Matt will be here in a few minutes."
They are in the hospital to see Dani's new baby. She is waiting on Matt when she gets the feeling that something is wrong with her daughter.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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"Matt will be her in a few minutes."
should be "Matt will be here in a few minutes."
They are in the hospital to see Dani's new baby. She is waiting on Matt when she gets the feeling that something is wrong with her daughter.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate you help.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara
I believe there is more action going on than meets the naked eye. The woman is up to something...maybe kidnapping the baby??? Dani senses something is wrong. Mother's intuition is always right!
Appears to be a great beginning to another chapter. I enjoyed it very much.
Carol
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Barbara
I believe there is more action going on than meets the naked eye. The woman is up to something...maybe kidnapping the baby??? Dani senses something is wrong. Mother's intuition is always right!
Appears to be a great beginning to another chapter. I enjoyed it very much.
Carol
Comment Written 29-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2009
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Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and support.
Comment from c_lucas
The Saga of Matt and Dani continues. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Error
"You might as (well) surrender now."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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The Saga of Matt and Dani continues. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Error
"You might as (well) surrender now."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2009
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Thank you for catching it. Once Matt and Dani leave the hospital we rarely see them.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
