Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Nightmares Going West"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
49 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Beth....LOL...LOL...Very well written account of your misadventures. It is paced just right without being over-detailed and the humor is great. We are a regular camping family, and believe me, a good old 21-28 footer with air-conditioning and beds and fridge is the best way to go.
There is so much to see, especially now that you are further along in years. See it while you can, I say. I have traveled this country by foot and car at least four times from coast to coast...One time with a VW Beetle and a tent strapped to the roof...LOL...Good story. I do have one small suggestion. In this sentence below, maybe a better word than "disreputable" would work...just doesn't sound right somehow...like somebody you know has a bad rep...
Take care...Bob (Mastery)
drunken and disreputable looking men, gathered around a table near their decrepit old Ford.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Hi, Beth....LOL...LOL...Very well written account of your misadventures. It is paced just right without being over-detailed and the humor is great. We are a regular camping family, and believe me, a good old 21-28 footer with air-conditioning and beds and fridge is the best way to go.
There is so much to see, especially now that you are further along in years. See it while you can, I say. I have traveled this country by foot and car at least four times from coast to coast...One time with a VW Beetle and a tent strapped to the roof...LOL...Good story. I do have one small suggestion. In this sentence below, maybe a better word than "disreputable" would work...just doesn't sound right somehow...like somebody you know has a bad rep...
Take care...Bob (Mastery)
drunken and disreputable looking men, gathered around a table near their decrepit old Ford.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you for the review, Bob. I so glad you found ithumorous and well-written. I agree there has to be a better word than the one I used. I just haven't thought of it yet. Actually, I do like to travel and when the children were older, we did camp again with better results. I been in most states and about eight or nine countries but we had to get past that cash flow problem.
Comment from Annelisa
That is such a scary story! You must have been frightened out of your wits. I hope someone taught "Mom" how to start the truck after that.
Annelisa
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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That is such a scary story! You must have been frightened out of your wits. I hope someone taught "Mom" how to start the truck after that.
Annelisa
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you for the review. We didn't put Mom that position again after that night. It was very frightening.
Beth
Comment from Pen&Ink
This is a much smoother read. Corrections and adjustmentsw have been made. I upgraded the rating to a five. Ray
Now you have beI think this story is absolutely great. It is both humorous and suspenseful. The plot is well laid out, and the few quotes you use are very illuminating. I gave you a four because of the reasons mentioned below. Most of these are pretty quick fixes. If you decide to make these (or other) corrections and changes, let me know and I will read it again and adjust the rating as appropriate.
Again, I very much enjoyed reading the story. I can definitely relate on many levels.
Ray
"Les(t) you get the idea..."
"The other group consisted of four drunken and disreputable looking men, gathered around a table near their decrepit old Ford." This sentence might work better than the sentences you chose. In your version, you start out by mentioning the one family having a picnic, but then jump to "The other 'car'..." My suggested version focuses on the two groups. Just a thought.
"We pulled in, and we all got out and stretched our legs." would be better this way: "We pulled in and got out to stretch our legs."
"(Were) they there to harm us?"
"The long night finally ended with only the children (having gotten any sleep.)"
"behind us" instead of "behinds us"
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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This is a much smoother read. Corrections and adjustmentsw have been made. I upgraded the rating to a five. Ray
Now you have beI think this story is absolutely great. It is both humorous and suspenseful. The plot is well laid out, and the few quotes you use are very illuminating. I gave you a four because of the reasons mentioned below. Most of these are pretty quick fixes. If you decide to make these (or other) corrections and changes, let me know and I will read it again and adjust the rating as appropriate.
Again, I very much enjoyed reading the story. I can definitely relate on many levels.
Ray
"Les(t) you get the idea..."
"The other group consisted of four drunken and disreputable looking men, gathered around a table near their decrepit old Ford." This sentence might work better than the sentences you chose. In your version, you start out by mentioning the one family having a picnic, but then jump to "The other 'car'..." My suggested version focuses on the two groups. Just a thought.
"We pulled in, and we all got out and stretched our legs." would be better this way: "We pulled in and got out to stretch our legs."
"(Were) they there to harm us?"
"The long night finally ended with only the children (having gotten any sleep.)"
"behind us" instead of "behinds us"
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you for the review and you nice comments. I appreciate you taking the time to look over it so carefully and make suggestions for improvement. Four of the corrections you pointed out were already made while you were reading it plus a few more. The sentence you suggested about the four men is a good one and I have changed it as you suggested. I would appreciate you revisiting this to see if my rating can be improved.
Beth
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I reread your story and upgraded the rating to a five. You did the work and deserve the higher rating. Ray
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Thank for the reread. I appreciate you taking the time to do that.
Beth
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Beth, this is another terrific account of your madcap family life. It sounds absolutely bloody awful! Talk about ever the optimist! You could all have been murdered - not as you slept, because clearly, you did none of that! I think I'm beginning to see why Evan dreads vacations! LMAO.
thoroughly enjoyable read. I noticed no spag at all.
Warmest wishes
Kat
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Beth, this is another terrific account of your madcap family life. It sounds absolutely bloody awful! Talk about ever the optimist! You could all have been murdered - not as you slept, because clearly, you did none of that! I think I'm beginning to see why Evan dreads vacations! LMAO.
thoroughly enjoyable read. I noticed no spag at all.
Warmest wishes
Kat
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you Kat, I certainly appreciate your review and comments. I'm glad you found no spags because I just had two invasions of the spag police. I don't think I could take anymore. I think their corrections are a little on the picky side. Oh well..
All the best,
Beth
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Beth Shelby ...
What a hair-raising adventure that was !! It brought back memories of when my husband travelled vast distances in our big farm-truck with a built-in back in which we had two small camp-beds for stopping overnight to break the journey. On one such occasion, a car stopped and a group of men tried to break open the two back doors. Oh dear -
my husband shouted and threated them with the Police and thankfully they moved off but it doesn't bear thinking of what could have happened to us that night.
For this story, I have given you 4 stars because there are several corrections to be made ...
* You have - which fit our budget ... this should be -
which fitted our budget ...
* You have - Less you get the idea ... this should be -
Lest you get the idea ....
* You have - that fit over the bed of the truck ... this should be - that fitted over ...
* You have - one (singular) would have to sit or lie with legs spread out in front of them (plural) ... this could be - to be in any way comfortable, it would be necessary to sit or lie with legs stretched out in front.
* You have - we arrived in outskirts of Dallas ... this should be - we arrived at the outskirts of Dallas ...
* You have - a double mattress just barely fit in ..
this should be - just barely fitted in ....
* You have - until whomever was in the passenger seat ...
this should be - until whoever was ....
* You have - and had gotten into the chips ... this should be - and had started on the chips ....
* You have - and drove away also ... this should be -
and also drove away.
* You have - It soon because apparent .. this should be -
became apparent ...
* You have - Where they there to harm us? This should be - Were they there ...
* You have - put the idea of camping behinds us ... this should be - behind us ...
If you choose to work on this, contact me and I will gladly re-review it for you.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Hullo Beth Shelby ...
What a hair-raising adventure that was !! It brought back memories of when my husband travelled vast distances in our big farm-truck with a built-in back in which we had two small camp-beds for stopping overnight to break the journey. On one such occasion, a car stopped and a group of men tried to break open the two back doors. Oh dear -
my husband shouted and threated them with the Police and thankfully they moved off but it doesn't bear thinking of what could have happened to us that night.
For this story, I have given you 4 stars because there are several corrections to be made ...
* You have - which fit our budget ... this should be -
which fitted our budget ...
* You have - Less you get the idea ... this should be -
Lest you get the idea ....
* You have - that fit over the bed of the truck ... this should be - that fitted over ...
* You have - one (singular) would have to sit or lie with legs spread out in front of them (plural) ... this could be - to be in any way comfortable, it would be necessary to sit or lie with legs stretched out in front.
* You have - we arrived in outskirts of Dallas ... this should be - we arrived at the outskirts of Dallas ...
* You have - a double mattress just barely fit in ..
this should be - just barely fitted in ....
* You have - until whomever was in the passenger seat ...
this should be - until whoever was ....
* You have - and had gotten into the chips ... this should be - and had started on the chips ....
* You have - and drove away also ... this should be -
and also drove away.
* You have - It soon because apparent .. this should be -
became apparent ...
* You have - Where they there to harm us? This should be - Were they there ...
* You have - put the idea of camping behinds us ... this should be - behind us ...
If you choose to work on this, contact me and I will gladly re-review it for you.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much for the review and taking the time to help me make all the correction. I have made them and I would appreciate you taking another look. Most of the mistakes were things I knew but just missed. You must be an editor or a least an English or Writing teacher. My word program changed the whoever to whomever. I thought that sounded wrong. I guess I didn't know the proper use of fit/fitted. I missed that several times.
Beth
Comment from LairDog5
What a harrowing experience you and your family must of had! You did a nice job of telling this story. You held my interest from beginning to end and your sound writing skills made it enjoyable. Well done
Regards
Lary
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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What a harrowing experience you and your family must of had! You did a nice job of telling this story. You held my interest from beginning to end and your sound writing skills made it enjoyable. Well done
Regards
Lary
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much for the review and the comments. I so glad you found it enjoyable.
Beth
Comment from fayesh
Your biographical adventure was interesting reading. I think camping is meant to be done close to home, if possible, especially in this day and age of "weirdos" and unsavory characters. A "staycation" is the new vacation trend because of the economy.
Wrong word usage error:
Mom unlocked the back with the key. It soon (because) apparent that she was awake s/b became
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Your biographical adventure was interesting reading. I think camping is meant to be done close to home, if possible, especially in this day and age of "weirdos" and unsavory characters. A "staycation" is the new vacation trend because of the economy.
Wrong word usage error:
Mom unlocked the back with the key. It soon (because) apparent that she was awake s/b became
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank you so much for the review and comments and for catching the spag.
Beth
Comment from MaureenC
BethShelby, another great story of past events. Told with a smooth flow and much humour. I was interested right through. I loved Mom starting the truck LOL.
Well done
Maureenc
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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BethShelby, another great story of past events. Told with a smooth flow and much humour. I was interested right through. I loved Mom starting the truck LOL.
Well done
Maureenc
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thanks Maureen, I appreciate the review and the comments.
Beth
Comment from pw683739
You have obvious narrative talent. Your ability to alternate seamlessly between description and dialogue is impressive. Consider me thoroughly entertained.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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You have obvious narrative talent. Your ability to alternate seamlessly between description and dialogue is impressive. Consider me thoroughly entertained.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2009
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Thank for the review. I love your comments. I glad you found it entertaining.
Beth
