CSP: A Collection of Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 139 "Revisited"A collection of poetry
51 total reviews
Comment from JoAnna Lee
Very well written! The title is almost a part of the poem... and that works nicely for this piece. Good Job!
Thanks for sharing,
Donna
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Very well written! The title is almost a part of the poem... and that works nicely for this piece. Good Job!
Thanks for sharing,
Donna
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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JoAnna, thanks for your great review! So glad you liked it. And glad you mentioned the title. Most appreciated, Sue
Comment from starman
The candlelight of memories is an intriguing concept. I think yuu convey that pretty well in this senyru. Good work.
;)s
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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The candlelight of memories is an intriguing concept. I think yuu convey that pretty well in this senyru. Good work.
;)s
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Starman, thank you for your very generous review. And for your kind words. This is my first "senyru" and I loved the challenge. As it is so new to me, I'm hoping I did hold true to the genre. With regards, Sue
Comment from Joan E.
Beautifully evocative senryu, saying so much in such an economy of words.
You chose the perfect picture to illustrate your poem.
"silence under dusted time" is still resonating for me.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Beautifully evocative senryu, saying so much in such an economy of words.
You chose the perfect picture to illustrate your poem.
"silence under dusted time" is still resonating for me.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Joan, I REALLY appreciate your reviews because you offer specific comments, which is helpful in every way to grow. And it is always nice to hear which lines may resonate with the reader. Thank you for your most kind review. Warmest regards, Sue
Comment from rmdelta
Sue,
beautifully written, perfect wording and fantastic message. I so seldom can understand these types of poetry, its exciting to finally be able to read and know what I've read.Great work, Sue.
Reggie
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Sue,
beautifully written, perfect wording and fantastic message. I so seldom can understand these types of poetry, its exciting to finally be able to read and know what I've read.Great work, Sue.
Reggie
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Reggie, yes, I am guilty also of sometimes being a bit too cryptic. SO glad you enjoyed this one! Thank you for your very generous review and lovely words! Warmest regards, Sue
Comment from Hitcher
I do believe I know where this came from friend, I don't think it is Haiku though, aren't they supposed to be about Nature itself? I have never tried one yet so I'm not an expert. One minute...
Sill hard to say some of your reviews say great and some say not, I love the use of the artwork, very nice it goes perfectly with your message.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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I do believe I know where this came from friend, I don't think it is Haiku though, aren't they supposed to be about Nature itself? I have never tried one yet so I'm not an expert. One minute...
Sill hard to say some of your reviews say great and some say not, I love the use of the artwork, very nice it goes perfectly with your message.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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LOL! Wrote this practically while I was dropping off last night!! Should not have posted until I was coherent!! Read your review first and when I saw where you mentioned something about my "reviews", I had a peak! HA!!! NOT A PRETTY PICTURE! I think I'd better go see how much work it needs. Trust me, after I'm done, your 5 stars will most definitely be worthy. Cheers, Sue
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If you have the time, have a re-read. Same message from the heart....different words. A "senryu" 5-7-5
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A senryru, good save my friend, your not alone though i've came home a little intoxicated before, finished off a poem and just posted it with out running it through the spell checker, it's fun when you log on the next day. You turned it around beautifully Sue, well done!
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Whew! Thanks to some people out there who really know these Japanese genres, it was a good save! HA!
Cracked me up when you said you've come home intoxicated, and posted a poem! Right now I'm close to going off the sofa! LOL! LOL!
You kill me, Hitch
Comment from rama devi
Second review:
WOW~! Whew! whOEEEEE@!
gREAT EDITS. Super SUPERB SUPERLATIVE bravo
I am so grafeufl that my honest feedback prompted you to refine this haiku. Wish I had a six to give just for the sake of the strong transformation this revision brings to your work. It communicates the same message but with originality and style, with imagery to show rather than general words to tell.
YAY!
Love it. Syllable count is perfect and none are wasted.
I am so proud of you.
KUDOS
Warm Regards,
rama devi
PS- Thanks for your gracious response to my three star rating.
Original review (three stars)
Nice word choices and philosophical content. This is thoughtful and well said.
Couple of things to tweak to make this fit into haiku form (senryu, actually, as haiku deals with nature and senryu with human nature - emotion etc)
1) No CAPS
2) THE THIRD LINE MUST BE DISTINCT FROM THE FIRST TWO. (GRAMMATICALLY SEPARATE).
3) Haiku focuses on a specific image in a present moment of time rather than a generality.
Another point to consider in composing haiku is to avoid wasting Syllables. Using 'ing' words uses extra syllables and thus loses mileage on the syllable count. For the same reason, using the word 'the' does not add meaning but uses syllables.
My recommendation is to refrain from labeling this haiku.
But if you wish it to be haiku, for the contest, then I suggest the following:
potent mem'ries past
permeate present thought
future mold intact
This is very well presented with artwork that poetically suits the theme. DOlet me know if you make edits (not necessarily the ones I suggested, but your own) AND I will be glad to reconsider the rating.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Second review:
WOW~! Whew! whOEEEEE@!
gREAT EDITS. Super SUPERB SUPERLATIVE bravo
I am so grafeufl that my honest feedback prompted you to refine this haiku. Wish I had a six to give just for the sake of the strong transformation this revision brings to your work. It communicates the same message but with originality and style, with imagery to show rather than general words to tell.
YAY!
Love it. Syllable count is perfect and none are wasted.
I am so proud of you.
KUDOS
Warm Regards,
rama devi
PS- Thanks for your gracious response to my three star rating.
Original review (three stars)
Nice word choices and philosophical content. This is thoughtful and well said.
Couple of things to tweak to make this fit into haiku form (senryu, actually, as haiku deals with nature and senryu with human nature - emotion etc)
1) No CAPS
2) THE THIRD LINE MUST BE DISTINCT FROM THE FIRST TWO. (GRAMMATICALLY SEPARATE).
3) Haiku focuses on a specific image in a present moment of time rather than a generality.
Another point to consider in composing haiku is to avoid wasting Syllables. Using 'ing' words uses extra syllables and thus loses mileage on the syllable count. For the same reason, using the word 'the' does not add meaning but uses syllables.
My recommendation is to refrain from labeling this haiku.
But if you wish it to be haiku, for the contest, then I suggest the following:
potent mem'ries past
permeate present thought
future mold intact
This is very well presented with artwork that poetically suits the theme. DOlet me know if you make edits (not necessarily the ones I suggested, but your own) AND I will be glad to reconsider the rating.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Rami, thank you very much for your most honest critique. I was very sloppy, not adhering to the proper formats. Going back to re-work it, as I most certainly want it to be correct. Thank you for the honest, 3-star rating!! Sue
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Rami, I've re-written same subject but with different words. If you have time, would appreciate your input. I do have a lot of syllables....incorrect form? I'm understanding the haiku and senyru now, as far as its purpose and the importance and significance of the satori.
Really makes one work! I appreciate your honesty, as I could not grow without it.
Regards, Sue
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Done (see review for second entry)
:D
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Rama, you are AWESOME!! If you had "let it slide", perhaps I would have let it dangle and kept it sloppy. Because of you, I grew. No understatement there. And I SO appreciate it. I'll take more 3 stars any day as long as it's back with someone taking their very valuable time to critique and desire to be of help. And that, you were. Can't thank you enough for your tough, yet constructive criticism. From my heart, Sue
Comment from Pitt
Yes - for most people this is correct. Therefore your statement has relevance.
But the trick is: DO NOT let your future be molded by your past. Get rid of your past and make it really JUST a MEMORY. Something to learn from.
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Yes - for most people this is correct. Therefore your statement has relevance.
But the trick is: DO NOT let your future be molded by your past. Get rid of your past and make it really JUST a MEMORY. Something to learn from.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
Comment from Domino
Hi, Sue. This is a lovely idea, though some may classify it senryu and not haiku. There are loadsa different opinions on haiku but the general agreement seems as follows;
1) written in present tense
2)no personification
3) 2 lines of inter-connected concrete imagery
4) Seperate line of 'satori' (ironic comment on imagery
5) a 'kigo' which is a mention os a season or an implication of one such as 'freezing' to denote 'winter'
6) no capitals or punctuation unless absolutely necessary.
I'd write this slightly differently;
memories from past
permeating the present
future is moulded
And re-classify as 'senryu' - (human nature)
With respect, Ray xx
UPDATE;
Much better now Sue, though the third line just about qualifies as a seperate statement on the other two.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Hi, Sue. This is a lovely idea, though some may classify it senryu and not haiku. There are loadsa different opinions on haiku but the general agreement seems as follows;
1) written in present tense
2)no personification
3) 2 lines of inter-connected concrete imagery
4) Seperate line of 'satori' (ironic comment on imagery
5) a 'kigo' which is a mention os a season or an implication of one such as 'freezing' to denote 'winter'
6) no capitals or punctuation unless absolutely necessary.
I'd write this slightly differently;
memories from past
permeating the present
future is moulded
And re-classify as 'senryu' - (human nature)
With respect, Ray xx
UPDATE;
Much better now Sue, though the third line just about qualifies as a seperate statement on the other two.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Ray, your comments are SO appreciated. I'm very glad you laid out those points so well. I'm going to go read about "senryu" and re-work it. Your 4 stars are too kind for this work!! Respectfully, Sue
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Thanks for your gracious reply, Sue. You've a fabulous attitude and good luck with it. Best wishes, Ray xx
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Well, I've written the same thoughts in "senyru". Words not same but message I wanted to convey is. Hoping you critique this one as honestly as always. **Fingers crossed** - as I do love these confining forms. Really make you work hard!! Sue
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Hi, Sue. I just up-rated and added a comment. Ray xx
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The more I read about this genre, the more confusing it gets! HA! I agree about the last line. Going to change that. Thank you for your valuable time, as it is so much appreciated! Sue
Comment from LateBloomer
Hello Sixteezkid,
You've penned a very good Haiku poem here.
The poem reads and flows well - you have created
the imagery and the syllable count is accurate.
Regards, LateBloomer
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Hello Sixteezkid,
You've penned a very good Haiku poem here.
The poem reads and flows well - you have created
the imagery and the syllable count is accurate.
Regards, LateBloomer
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
Comment from honeytree
The art work is superb here .I Loved the flame,so peaceful.
"Mem'ries from the past
Permeating the present
Molding the future"
We cannot bring back yesterday
we learn by our mistakes
and move on.
I liked reading your words
we should learn something every day on our earth.
write a journal if you want to.
Great writing
Honeytree.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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The art work is superb here .I Loved the flame,so peaceful.
"Mem'ries from the past
Permeating the present
Molding the future"
We cannot bring back yesterday
we learn by our mistakes
and move on.
I liked reading your words
we should learn something every day on our earth.
write a journal if you want to.
Great writing
Honeytree.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2008
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Aren't you fast! Just posted it. Thank you for your very honest and kind review words. Much appreciated, Sue