Haiku Club Challenges, Book II
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "his knees ache (senryu)"an anthology of haiku written by fanstory poets
76 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Kudos and congrats! You're a winner to keep walking with the ache...glad you have some help. Good capture of the moment--bliss and agony simultaneously. Glad you could jog today. I felt the use of THE MAN in line two made this impersonal somehow. Consider replacing it with a simple HE as in line one.
Great satori.
Warm Smiles, rd
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Kudos and congrats! You're a winner to keep walking with the ache...glad you have some help. Good capture of the moment--bliss and agony simultaneously. Glad you could jog today. I felt the use of THE MAN in line two made this impersonal somehow. Consider replacing it with a simple HE as in line one.
Great satori.
Warm Smiles, rd
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Rama, for your review and kudos. I jogged a mile today after work. I wanted a poem that was impersonal and took me out of it. "The man" creates a picture in the reader's mind in a way that "he" does not, Thank you for suggesting, though.
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Yes, this makes it clear it is a fictional man and not you personally. But so does the pronoun HE (because if it were you, the writer, it would be "I"). Just my two cents. It works fine as well. :-)))
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Rama, I switched to the pronoun HE. It reads smoother as THE MAN is already implied. I will see how this will go with reviewers. Thank you for the tweak.
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Thanks for letting me know. I agree--flows better! Big warm smiles, rd
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Yes, I am amazed. Thanks.
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:-)))
Comment from azwildrosa
What an inspiring read! The picture says as much as the poem does. There is a lot of strength coming from this one. It is always a great pleasure reading your work. Thank you for this share!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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What an inspiring read! The picture says as much as the poem does. There is a lot of strength coming from this one. It is always a great pleasure reading your work. Thank you for this share!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Thank you, azwildrosa, for your review and compliments. Yes, while I lacked speed and fitness, I had an inner strength and persistence to help me finish the race.
Comment from smbau
The poem talks about pain endurance during a run all the way to the finish line. Syllables count 3-7-5 My optional suggestions, consider removing the [-] end of second line or alter last line "limped to finish line"
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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The poem talks about pain endurance during a run all the way to the finish line. Syllables count 3-7-5 My optional suggestions, consider removing the [-] end of second line or alter last line "limped to finish line"
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Thank you, smbau, for your review and compliments. Since this poem is for the Haiku Club Challenge, I prefer to follow our practice of using present tense. So "limped" would not have worked. There is an actual Japanese term for the dash or cut at the end of the second line to separate the first two observational lines from the revelation third line. Thanks again.
Comment from c_lucas
Running five K is easy for some,
But not of all
Some are grinning at the end
Others are not.
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Running five K is easy for some,
But not of all
Some are grinning at the end
Others are not.
***
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Thank you, C_lucas, for your review and compliments. My city did a 5K run in 2016 and a 3K run in 2017, but it was the 3K run that was grinding at the end. Thanks again.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Congratulations. I used to run, but that was thirty years and a heart attack ago. Now I struggle to walk. I envy your fantastic achievement A five K run is not an easy feat.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Congratulations. I used to run, but that was thirty years and a heart attack ago. Now I struggle to walk. I envy your fantastic achievement A five K run is not an easy feat.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Thomas, for your review and compliments. No, a 5K or a 3K run is not easy. I walk most of it, but now I am training myself to jog short distances. Thank you for your review and congratulations.
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
"his knees ache" (senryu), is short, succinct and very much to the point. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. You KEEP WRITING A and I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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"his knees ache" (senryu), is short, succinct and very much to the point. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. You KEEP WRITING A and I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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Thank you, Duchess, for your review and compliments. I will keep writing!
Sis Cat, it's always a pleasure to read your work again.
Best wishes, the Duchess
Comment from beizanten
Quite interesting
Short but detail and pretty good. Good but not great. It must be hard to jog like that, I am glad you're okay
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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Quite interesting
Short but detail and pretty good. Good but not great. It must be hard to jog like that, I am glad you're okay
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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Yes, I'm more than okay. After physical therapy yesterday, I resumed jogging. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Thal1959
And to think, Andre, of all the doctors who warn that running and jogging is bad on the legs and knees. You said you limped across the finish line, but not what position you ended up in. It reminded me of the opening of an episode of the Alfred Hitchcock TV show from the late 50s. Pudgy Alfred is in a biker's uniform with his ten-speed bike in front of him; "I have just returned from a 6 day bicycle race, and I am pleased to announce I finished first... I quit after ten minutes."
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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And to think, Andre, of all the doctors who warn that running and jogging is bad on the legs and knees. You said you limped across the finish line, but not what position you ended up in. It reminded me of the opening of an episode of the Alfred Hitchcock TV show from the late 50s. Pudgy Alfred is in a biker's uniform with his ten-speed bike in front of him; "I have just returned from a 6 day bicycle race, and I am pleased to announce I finished first... I quit after ten minutes."
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2017
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Ha! After one hour, two minutes, and fifty-seven seconds, I arrived near last. I was so late that I entered the tail end of the tiny tots' race which followed the adults. So I crossed the finished line surrounded by kids who outraced me. Thank you for your review.
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This one has really been a pleasure, Andre.
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Thank you. My pleasure!
Andre
Comment from lyenochka
Hooray! I'm glad you did it! We did a couple of 5K races but we are now trying to get back into running again, going a mile at a time. Great work and hope you can keep it up! I recommend Epsom salt soaks for the muscle pain.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Hooray! I'm glad you did it! We did a couple of 5K races but we are now trying to get back into running again, going a mile at a time. Great work and hope you can keep it up! I recommend Epsom salt soaks for the muscle pain.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, lyenochka, for your review and for encouraging me to write and run more. I will use your idea of Epsom salt. Thanks.
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magnesium is good for muscle pain but I can't digest it taking it a supplement. But I found that the magnesium in epsom salt effective. Blessings and hope you stay injury-free.
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Yes, many people have recommended epsom salt. I will use it. Thanks.
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey there Andre
Your race is what champions are made of because you did not quit. I used to run the Mormon marathon in Hawaii back in the 1980's. I fully appreciate you plight. At least we finished
Bear
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Hey there Andre
Your race is what champions are made of because you did not quit. I used to run the Mormon marathon in Hawaii back in the 1980's. I fully appreciate you plight. At least we finished
Bear
Comment Written 19-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Yes, Bear, I did not quit. I started the race walking in back of the pack with an elderly Sikh. I was surprised when he turned back at the one mile mark while I still had two more miles to go. I arrived so late an hour later that they were then holding the race for children and I crossed the finish line surrounded by kids who outraced me. Thank you for your review.
