Romancing Mr. Bryce
Fate Keeps Score.47 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
hi Jay,
Superb bit of writing here. Very emotional and very poignant. I think this will be very hard to beat in the competition. Couple of little things -
even on a bad day, I-I blush on account of the way you look at me. - need closing speech marks here.
She chuckled and then while she was quiet a moment, I thought again she would cry.
- is there a slip into first person here, should 'I' be 'he'?
She grabbed the bunched-up fingers of one hand with the other and kneaded them like a cow's udder. - excellent description here.
and stared at me without blinking until the tears slipped over the lower rims and down her cheeks - into first person again here?
"You don't believe me, Mister?" / "The bruise is up here, mister."
- I don't know how much difference it makes but maybe both should be capitalised or lower for consistency.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
  |
hi Jay,
Superb bit of writing here. Very emotional and very poignant. I think this will be very hard to beat in the competition. Couple of little things -
even on a bad day, I-I blush on account of the way you look at me. - need closing speech marks here.
She chuckled and then while she was quiet a moment, I thought again she would cry.
- is there a slip into first person here, should 'I' be 'he'?
She grabbed the bunched-up fingers of one hand with the other and kneaded them like a cow's udder. - excellent description here.
and stared at me without blinking until the tears slipped over the lower rims and down her cheeks - into first person again here?
"You don't believe me, Mister?" / "The bruise is up here, mister."
- I don't know how much difference it makes but maybe both should be capitalised or lower for consistency.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
You've made my day! Thanks, G. It's not easy to write in the third person with so many of his thoughts being in the first person. I had caught a few before I posted. Someone pointed out another. Then, as the drifters sang it, "And ... along came G-ee-ee!" Also capped the "M" in the second "Mister". Thanks for the six!
-
I loved this piece. I used to do some care work for clients in their own homes and this comes across as very authentic, at least in my limited experience. Very different from the other entrants I've read. I hope it takes the prize.:)
Comment from robyn corum
Well. This is the strangest 'love' story I have ever read. But love takes many forms: a lonely nurse, a decrepit old man, a lost wife. I think you co-mingled all these ingredients together beautifully. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
 |
Well. This is the strangest 'love' story I have ever read. But love takes many forms: a lonely nurse, a decrepit old man, a lost wife. I think you co-mingled all these ingredients together beautifully. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Many thanks, Robyn. Yeah, she was lonely, wasn't she. LOL.
Comment from tollyfaye
Poor Walter. I really hurt for him for the bit that I was in his head. This story was hard for me to read as I lost my grandmother to Alzheimers, but it is an important story to be told. I am left curious about why Millicent was being let go. Way to leave me hanging, nice touch. :)
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Poor Walter. I really hurt for him for the bit that I was in his head. This story was hard for me to read as I lost my grandmother to Alzheimers, but it is an important story to be told. I am left curious about why Millicent was being let go. Way to leave me hanging, nice touch. :)
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Yeah, I purposely left it up in the air for why Millicent was being let go. I'm happy you enjoyed it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
AHHHHHHHH, it's horrible getting old. The emotion in this story is extremely strong. You did a wonderful job writing this contest entry and I wish you the best.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
AHHHHHHHH, it's horrible getting old. The emotion in this story is extremely strong. You did a wonderful job writing this contest entry and I wish you the best.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Many thanks, Barbara, for your kindness and your six stars.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Top notch, Jay!
Wonderfully done from start to finish. If you haven't sent this out, by all means, do so.
What a very different slant this piece has, from anything like it.
A most enjoyable winner!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Top notch, Jay!
Wonderfully done from start to finish. If you haven't sent this out, by all means, do so.
What a very different slant this piece has, from anything like it.
A most enjoyable winner!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
You are so kind, Ray. Thanks for the six stars, but especially for your recommendation. See you in a few days. I'll let you know ahead of time.
Comment from Heidi M
You have a six-star rating from me. Unfortunately, I'm out so I'm giving you a virtual six. I can't believe how well you told this from the patient's POV. I've read a lot of stories from the POV of the dementia caregiver, but never from the one suffering from dementia, and the stories certainly never touched on the element of romance. I walked the dementia road with my mom so I cannot express the powerful impact this story had on me. Bravo!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
You have a six-star rating from me. Unfortunately, I'm out so I'm giving you a virtual six. I can't believe how well you told this from the patient's POV. I've read a lot of stories from the POV of the dementia caregiver, but never from the one suffering from dementia, and the stories certainly never touched on the element of romance. I walked the dementia road with my mom so I cannot express the powerful impact this story had on me. Bravo!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Heidi, for the virtual six. I'm happy it resonated with you, sorry at the same time, it had to be with the personal memories with your Mom.
Comment from --Turtle.
(Hi, Jay, well done with this romance entry; you masterfully pulled me through this read, but it's clear walter is smitten, and still... what a complicated romance with a man who is losing his memories, very well done. I experienced an emotional twinge toward the end. You have a very great way of creating textured tales that stick in the memory, bit of irony there, I suppose. Walter won't remember the day, but I likely will.)
the sheet midway down the bridge of his nose[,]? and turned only his eyes toward
off behind those eyes of yours. It sounds silly, [Walter,] but sometimes when I'm
(one 'Walter' too many in this paragraph, and I am loosely suggesting this one go)
you look at me.(")
(Missing quote needs adding)
reach, and just stared at his hand[,]? dangling off the mattress. They both heard
He took in a noisy breath[,] and fluffed up the pillow.
(suggesting only)
trying to poke through, or (if it)? was her memory she was pressing on him.
that'll bring him down.' Well, I've been doing that, Walter--trying to do that. They want me to gently [kind of](strongly suggest removing the 'kind of' acts as a road bump that detracted from the dialogue) nudge a memory out of you. But ... but
Disneyland. Every one of our Christmases together. Birthdays ..." She smiled, remembering(--)? (need some sort of punctuation?) "Oh, the P.T.A. meetings I
memories. No(,) I knew you, Walter. I always did know you. And ... and when we
(suggesting because it's a contradiction, really think it's needed, even if a pause isn't heard)
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
(Hi, Jay, well done with this romance entry; you masterfully pulled me through this read, but it's clear walter is smitten, and still... what a complicated romance with a man who is losing his memories, very well done. I experienced an emotional twinge toward the end. You have a very great way of creating textured tales that stick in the memory, bit of irony there, I suppose. Walter won't remember the day, but I likely will.)
the sheet midway down the bridge of his nose[,]? and turned only his eyes toward
off behind those eyes of yours. It sounds silly, [Walter,] but sometimes when I'm
(one 'Walter' too many in this paragraph, and I am loosely suggesting this one go)
you look at me.(")
(Missing quote needs adding)
reach, and just stared at his hand[,]? dangling off the mattress. They both heard
He took in a noisy breath[,] and fluffed up the pillow.
(suggesting only)
trying to poke through, or (if it)? was her memory she was pressing on him.
that'll bring him down.' Well, I've been doing that, Walter--trying to do that. They want me to gently [kind of](strongly suggest removing the 'kind of' acts as a road bump that detracted from the dialogue) nudge a memory out of you. But ... but
Disneyland. Every one of our Christmases together. Birthdays ..." She smiled, remembering(--)? (need some sort of punctuation?) "Oh, the P.T.A. meetings I
memories. No(,) I knew you, Walter. I always did know you. And ... and when we
(suggesting because it's a contradiction, really think it's needed, even if a pause isn't heard)
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
A SIX!!! Wow, thank you, Turtle. My reviews are never over until I get yours. You are so helpful! I made (I believe) all the changes you suggested, including the removal of one of the Walters and jettisoning the "kind of" before "nudge." I didn't originally have it there, but I thought the use of "nudge" sounded a bit out of character for her--kinda poetic. But you are right. Again, thanks, Turtle. Your timing was perfect since tonight's the deadline for submission.
Comment from GWHARGIS
So glad I saved a six. This was such a lovely yet intricate romance. Each woman loving Walter in their own way. Your descriptive passages set the scene and Walters confused narrative was great. I truly think this was my most favorite piece you have posted. LOVED IT!!!!! Gretchen.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
So glad I saved a six. This was such a lovely yet intricate romance. Each woman loving Walter in their own way. Your descriptive passages set the scene and Walters confused narrative was great. I truly think this was my most favorite piece you have posted. LOVED IT!!!!! Gretchen.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
What a beautiful way to give me a day worth muddling through. Thank you so much, Gretchen. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this.
Comment from Kooky Clown
I found this a compelling story and an interesting one I have my own thoughts on the characters and thought that Mr Bryce Walter was well described and so were the two others it is a sad story in its way but lovely in others and enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
I found this a compelling story and an interesting one I have my own thoughts on the characters and thought that Mr Bryce Walter was well described and so were the two others it is a sad story in its way but lovely in others and enjoyable read.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thanks Kooky. I'm so happy you enjoyed reading this.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was absolutely amazing, Jay. You have put yourself in Walter head, and his wife's and the carers and brought out a story of incredible depth. The frustration of poor Walter trying hard, wanting so desperately to remember. He knows how important it is to the woman who called herself his wife, and in the end he did vaguely remember the smell of the tobacco she brought him, chocolate. This story was by no means longs, it was necessary to put all this in context of a person suffering from dementia, the struggle, how long it must take a person to try and pull a memory that has been taken and hidden away in a place he has no way of reaching. This is a story of a woman's love, trying to hard to reach the person he was, trying hard to get a bit of that man back. It takes a lot love to do that, it could be so easy just to walk away. An exceptional write, and a winner in my eyes. Good luck in the contest. A virtual 6. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
That was absolutely amazing, Jay. You have put yourself in Walter head, and his wife's and the carers and brought out a story of incredible depth. The frustration of poor Walter trying hard, wanting so desperately to remember. He knows how important it is to the woman who called herself his wife, and in the end he did vaguely remember the smell of the tobacco she brought him, chocolate. This story was by no means longs, it was necessary to put all this in context of a person suffering from dementia, the struggle, how long it must take a person to try and pull a memory that has been taken and hidden away in a place he has no way of reaching. This is a story of a woman's love, trying to hard to reach the person he was, trying hard to get a bit of that man back. It takes a lot love to do that, it could be so easy just to walk away. An exceptional write, and a winner in my eyes. Good luck in the contest. A virtual 6. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Until I read your review, Sandra, I wasn't sure this story would "reach" the reader. I was afraid it was too subjective. Your lovely exposition of it offered renewed hope. Thank you for the virtual 6.