The One You Never Notice
It Happens35 total reviews
Comment from Patti R.
I really enjoyed your short story. Excellent character development with Karen, Jason and Mike and the boys! I thought the story played out realistically and I liked the ending. I did find a few spelling and grammar 'issues' ...
...stall him for a minute(s) - omit s
...or (were) trying to make a fool out of me.
"Let's go (to) my car..."
Jason (omit and) shook his head again.
..and (I've) lost some weight since then.
Minutes (omit comma) seemed like hours...
..when Karen came up for air (omit period) she was topless...
Jason lifted Karen off (of) him, ..
..that ought to take (care) of them for a few days.
... so (there'll) be lots of pictures.
Patti
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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I really enjoyed your short story. Excellent character development with Karen, Jason and Mike and the boys! I thought the story played out realistically and I liked the ending. I did find a few spelling and grammar 'issues' ...
...stall him for a minute(s) - omit s
...or (were) trying to make a fool out of me.
"Let's go (to) my car..."
Jason (omit and) shook his head again.
..and (I've) lost some weight since then.
Minutes (omit comma) seemed like hours...
..when Karen came up for air (omit period) she was topless...
Jason lifted Karen off (of) him, ..
..that ought to take (care) of them for a few days.
... so (there'll) be lots of pictures.
Patti
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you very much. I should not have rushed this one. I appreciate all your help.
Comment from royowen
I guess if you believe in justice for the just, then then this is well written as far as that is concerned,. Glad to see that "once fat boy" makes good and wins the girl! Well written, you developed the characters early, established the plot, built the tension in the narrative, and held the readers attention throughout! We done, blessings, good luck in the contest! Roy.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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I guess if you believe in justice for the just, then then this is well written as far as that is concerned,. Glad to see that "once fat boy" makes good and wins the girl! Well written, you developed the characters early, established the plot, built the tension in the narrative, and held the readers attention throughout! We done, blessings, good luck in the contest! Roy.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you very much
Comment from adewpearl
good attention-grabbing in media res opening
group of teens, before they covered - drop the comma
lots of effective instances of non-verbal communication
excellent, natural-sounding dialogue that conveys attitude and emotion well
when Karen finally came up for air. - make that a comma
watched her as she alternate - alternated
I love the dialogue and character development and the pacing of the story as she goes from accomplice in crime to the boy's savior
What a sweet story of this girl realizing what it means to do the right thing and what it means to choose wisely when finding a boyfriend :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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good attention-grabbing in media res opening
group of teens, before they covered - drop the comma
lots of effective instances of non-verbal communication
excellent, natural-sounding dialogue that conveys attitude and emotion well
when Karen finally came up for air. - make that a comma
watched her as she alternate - alternated
I love the dialogue and character development and the pacing of the story as she goes from accomplice in crime to the boy's savior
What a sweet story of this girl realizing what it means to do the right thing and what it means to choose wisely when finding a boyfriend :-) Brooke
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you very much.
Comment from chasennov
"The One You Never Notice" This is a fairly good Romance Fiction, and I thought you did a great job. Just fix the spag a bit and you could have a winner. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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"The One You Never Notice" This is a fairly good Romance Fiction, and I thought you did a great job. Just fix the spag a bit and you could have a winner. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you very much. I will go over it again.
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You're very welcome.
Comment from Eigle Rull
You certainly covered all the bases needed for this contest. My friend, this is an excellent, well written story. It is exciting and has a great storyline. The dialog is fantastic. I really enjoyed this story.
One thing you might want to check out - there are places where words are missing from the sentence.
Always with respect,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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You certainly covered all the bases needed for this contest. My friend, this is an excellent, well written story. It is exciting and has a great storyline. The dialog is fantastic. I really enjoyed this story.
One thing you might want to check out - there are places where words are missing from the sentence.
Always with respect,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you very much, I will fix that
