Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "It's All In The Cards"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
42 total reviews
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
Yes. I believe it can border on witchcraft and I definitely don't want anything to do with any kind of cards or palm reading. It does give creeps. Tag teaming a bit. God loves you and we do too.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Yes. I believe it can border on witchcraft and I definitely don't want anything to do with any kind of cards or palm reading. It does give creeps. Tag teaming a bit. God loves you and we do too.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the review and comments. Sometimes we are week and get talked into doing things we have to ask forgiveness for. This was one of them. In time the remained two predictions did come true.
Beth
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Interesting and well done. I'm glad it didn't end with everything coming true, as many such "stories" do. This is honest and fascinating just as it is.
A large dark-skinned lady with a colorful scarf tied around her head, sat on the swing << Incorrect comma placement. EIther remove it or add the second part of the pair between LADY and WITH. I think it's better tho with no commas.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Interesting and well done. I'm glad it didn't end with everything coming true, as many such "stories" do. This is honest and fascinating just as it is.
A large dark-skinned lady with a colorful scarf tied around her head, sat on the swing << Incorrect comma placement. EIther remove it or add the second part of the pair between LADY and WITH. I think it's better tho with no commas.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Thank you Phyllis. Actually in the future the other two predictions will come true but the last one is two years away yet. I'm always a bit in doubt about comma placement. Thank for helping me out.
Beth
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You are being mysterious! Do tell us!
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I will. It comes a few chapter further along.
Comment from shortwerks
Hello again, Beth.
Found a few other tiny things that I missed the first time.
I still think you need a question mark here: "Is this where the lady lives that tells fortunes," asked Carolyn.
The following seems contradictory to my ear - did you mean she would not be surprised? "Oh well, I would be surprised. Changing jobs seems to be the story of my working career."
Also, I think "Rumors began" is what you need in place of "Rumors begin" in your third to last paragraph.
I understand about not wanting to expand the length, but still wish you would consider at least one more sentence when you sit down with the woman. Smell is a powerful way to transport us and the sentence needn't be long.
I do think the changes you made make for a much smoother read and am happy to assign another star. Have a good day.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Hello again, Beth.
Found a few other tiny things that I missed the first time.
I still think you need a question mark here: "Is this where the lady lives that tells fortunes," asked Carolyn.
The following seems contradictory to my ear - did you mean she would not be surprised? "Oh well, I would be surprised. Changing jobs seems to be the story of my working career."
Also, I think "Rumors began" is what you need in place of "Rumors begin" in your third to last paragraph.
I understand about not wanting to expand the length, but still wish you would consider at least one more sentence when you sit down with the woman. Smell is a powerful way to transport us and the sentence needn't be long.
I do think the changes you made make for a much smoother read and am happy to assign another star. Have a good day.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the review and for you in depth comments and suggestions. Since this story is longer than most of the chapters to my book, I hesitate about adding many more words, but most of your other suggestions seem right on target, and I've used them to make changes. The only one I hesitated about is the Honey being capitalized. She is using it in place of a proper noun and I think you are supposed to capitalize when you do that.
Other readers have told me that it is good to use a lot of white space which is why many of her lines of dialogue is broken up. Still I did combine some of them.
If you'd care to take another look and perhaps change the rating I'd be grateful. Thanks again for your help.
Beth
Comment from madhatter1977
Life is full of surprises, especially in card readings. This is a well-written story and captures the mystery of such happenings. Best wishes, Pete
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Life is full of surprises, especially in card readings. This is a well-written story and captures the mystery of such happenings. Best wishes, Pete
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
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Thank you Pete. I really appreciate the review and comments. The rest of the prediction will come true in the future. This will be a chapter to a book I'm writing with stand alone stories.
Beth
Comment from Spitfire
You know me. I believe some of these psychics can really tune in, so I thoroughly enjoyed the ride. I'm with Carolyn, a boyfriend for every read. Exceptional job with the dialect. It bothers me that you had to explain it!
Are readers that dumb?? Well, I know good writing when I see it.
Shari xx
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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You know me. I believe some of these psychics can really tune in, so I thoroughly enjoyed the ride. I'm with Carolyn, a boyfriend for every read. Exceptional job with the dialect. It bothers me that you had to explain it!
Are readers that dumb?? Well, I know good writing when I see it.
Shari xx
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much Shari for the six star rating. I really appreciate it. Yep, some readers are that dumb that it needs to be explained. I did have some typos that I had corrected but somehow I must not have not hit the save button because they were still all there. One reader gave me four stars because of them. I'm hoping she changes it to five, so you six star rating will show up.
Beth
Comment from janalma
Interesting story. Enjoyed reading it. It's amazing how much of your 'reading' came true. You wrote this well and it all follows along in an orderly fashion without straying off on tangents. Nice.
Some things you might want to look at...
Carolyn, a tall blonde flirt who drove racecars in a Powder-puff Derry (Derby), was another coworker.
For instance, she told me (was--delete this one) there was something going on in my stomach area, but that it would all turn out fine.
Maggie went next. She retuned (returned) wearing a frown.
I hope she (was) wrong about those two kids, I thought.
She (sounds here like Carolyn is saying this) told Maggie that she would marry again in the future.
"He may have to die.(,) (h?)oney,"
Carol moved to Menphis.(Memphis)
time would would (delete second would)reveal whether or not all of the predictions would come true.
The idea that a deck of card(s) could predict my future wasn't a
Good story. Kept my attention all the way thru.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Interesting story. Enjoyed reading it. It's amazing how much of your 'reading' came true. You wrote this well and it all follows along in an orderly fashion without straying off on tangents. Nice.
Some things you might want to look at...
Carolyn, a tall blonde flirt who drove racecars in a Powder-puff Derry (Derby), was another coworker.
For instance, she told me (was--delete this one) there was something going on in my stomach area, but that it would all turn out fine.
Maggie went next. She retuned (returned) wearing a frown.
I hope she (was) wrong about those two kids, I thought.
She (sounds here like Carolyn is saying this) told Maggie that she would marry again in the future.
"He may have to die.(,) (h?)oney,"
Carol moved to Menphis.(Memphis)
time would would (delete second would)reveal whether or not all of the predictions would come true.
The idea that a deck of card(s) could predict my future wasn't a
Good story. Kept my attention all the way thru.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for noticing all those errors. I remember correcting all of them except two before I released it. Either Evil Eddie was playing tricks on me or I didn't hit the save button. I'm amazed that no one else caught them. I hope you don't mind revising the rating to a five not that they are corrected. I will definintely nominate nominate you as a expert reviewer. I got my only four star and a six star at the same time.
Beth
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I am so glad that you didn't get mad at me. I gladly upgraded your story, as it is a fine one.
Comment from adewpearl
a married male coworkers - either a male coworker or drop the "a"
that is jealous when you're scolded for taking a man to the hospital in a medical emergency LOL
excellent use of dialect in the dialogue to add realism
good detail in recounting the fortunes told
Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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a married male coworkers - either a male coworker or drop the "a"
that is jealous when you're scolded for taking a man to the hospital in a medical emergency LOL
excellent use of dialect in the dialogue to add realism
good detail in recounting the fortunes told
Brooke
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thank you Brooke. I appreciate the review, the comments, and the correction.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It strange how some of that stuff works. I don't believe in it but it make one wonder. Again, I enjoyed reading your post.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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It strange how some of that stuff works. I don't believe in it but it make one wonder. Again, I enjoyed reading your post.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thank you Barbara for the review and comments. I don't want to believe in it either but there is much I can't explain.
Beth
Comment from Samuel Dickens
Another interesting chapter, Beth, if not a bit tumultuous. Our fortune-teller was an old indian lady, and she charged $2.00. Like yours, she "knew" things, but not all her predictions came true. The one about me traveling a lot came true big time.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Another interesting chapter, Beth, if not a bit tumultuous. Our fortune-teller was an old indian lady, and she charged $2.00. Like yours, she "knew" things, but not all her predictions came true. The one about me traveling a lot came true big time.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thank you Samuel. I really appreciate the review and comments. I no longer want to know the future. Anything bad would cause too much worry. This lady was pretty accurate.
Beth
Comment from Adri7enne
"When she came back out, SHE HER face was wreathed in smiles." Remove SHE.
"Evan's Dad did have a heart ATTACT a few months ago..." ATTACK.
Some of those card reading experiences can be a bit 'freaky'. I've never had a reading that really hit home, but some of my friends saw a great many predictions realized. Makes one sit up and take notice sometimes. I enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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"When she came back out, SHE HER face was wreathed in smiles." Remove SHE.
"Evan's Dad did have a heart ATTACT a few months ago..." ATTACK.
Some of those card reading experiences can be a bit 'freaky'. I've never had a reading that really hit home, but some of my friends saw a great many predictions realized. Makes one sit up and take notice sometimes. I enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and comments. Thanks also for pointing out the spags. This lady came too close for comfort. I would have thought she would have left out parts about death.
Beth
