Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Race to the Finish"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
39 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
Another fun read in the story of your life. You get the reader hooked with the first sentence, but the second paragraph seems to be irrelevant. You might think about deleting it and make a smoother transition to the third paragaph which relates to the opening.
Love the story about your sassy reply to the wiseguys trying to push your buttons. Funny about the bear crashing the window-- that must have been a hard throw!
I was surprised that you took time to decorate a tree and then went home to enjoy the holidays.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2013
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Another fun read in the story of your life. You get the reader hooked with the first sentence, but the second paragraph seems to be irrelevant. You might think about deleting it and make a smoother transition to the third paragaph which relates to the opening.
Love the story about your sassy reply to the wiseguys trying to push your buttons. Funny about the bear crashing the window-- that must have been a hard throw!
I was surprised that you took time to decorate a tree and then went home to enjoy the holidays.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and the comments. You are right the second paragraph needs to go. It was the original opening, but Lee (Humpwhistle) said I needed a hook up front so I stuck in it to see what comments I'd get. I was afraid my hook wouldn't work, but it does work better without the paragraph below it.
Beth
Comment from adewpearl
I love the teddy bear flinging fight LOL and the incident with chasing your husband's car in the rain
An excellent look at the adventures and misadventures you had as young marrieds :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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I love the teddy bear flinging fight LOL and the incident with chasing your husband's car in the rain
An excellent look at the adventures and misadventures you had as young marrieds :-) Brooke
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and nice comments.
Beth
Comment from humpwhistle
Beth, I love the notion of a Rescue Christmas Tree!
So fitting. Right out of O Henry.
As with the last chapter, Beth, I'd elect to start off with an event--like the 'chasing in the car in the rain' bit That's a hook. Then you can go back and fill in the backstory. Just an opinion.
Peace, Lee
Unfortunately, much to their amusement--Beth, maybe you don't need the 'much to their amusement' clause. You go on to explain.
The paragraph that starts 'His co-workers' might benifite if you broke up the dialogue instead of containing it in the paragraph. Readers find dialogue breaks helpful.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Beth, I love the notion of a Rescue Christmas Tree!
So fitting. Right out of O Henry.
As with the last chapter, Beth, I'd elect to start off with an event--like the 'chasing in the car in the rain' bit That's a hook. Then you can go back and fill in the backstory. Just an opinion.
Peace, Lee
Unfortunately, much to their amusement--Beth, maybe you don't need the 'much to their amusement' clause. You go on to explain.
The paragraph that starts 'His co-workers' might benifite if you broke up the dialogue instead of containing it in the paragraph. Readers find dialogue breaks helpful.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you Lee. Your suggestions are always good ones and I appreciate the help you offer. I took your advice and left out "much to their amusement" and I also broke up some of the dialogue. I'm still working on how to work in that hook at the beginning. You suggested the hook on the last one I wrote and I did work figure how how to work the hook in on that one.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This should be a must read for all couples contemplating marriage. It is not easy during the early years. I enjoyed reading and smiled as I remembered back then.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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This should be a must read for all couples contemplating marriage. It is not easy during the early years. I enjoyed reading and smiled as I remembered back then.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much Barbara. I guess it sounds pretty scary in some ways, but I think life has it's problems at any stage. No one warned me life would be hard as a newlywed, and I'm kind of glad, because I might have backed out, That would have been a bad mistake. In spite of the problems, it was an adventure that I'm glad I embarked on.
Beth
Comment from pipersfancy
Yes, the learning curve during those hectic days of early marriage, meeting college demands, and fitting in at work can be very steep! It's a wonder any of us survive at all. But (thankfully!) most of us do. Your Christmas tree story especially resonated with me. I have had more than one Charlie Brown tree; one which remained in the front room well past its expiry date until it had dropped every one of its needles!
A couple of suggestions:
"During the time(,) my husband and I lived in our second apartment, I continued to attend college until I got my BA degree with an Art major and an Education minor." -The first comma is unnecessary.
"Since we only had one car and I didn't drive, I had to ride a bus each day. Most days after I arrived at the bus station, I took a local city bus home." -These sentences sound redundant. The wording could be more concise such as: We had only one car in those days, and I didn't drive. So, I rode a bus each day.
I would be nice to introduce your husband by name at the start of the piece perhaps in this manner: "During the time my husband, Evan, and I lived in our second apartment, I continued to attend college..." As it currently reads, Evan's name first appears well into your story, in the 7th paragraph. Being unfamiliar with his name caused me to return to the start of your story and reread, thinking I had somehow missed who this character was! By introducing us to Evan's name earlier, you also give yourself the option of using his name more throughout, rather than "my husband" and "he", "his", etc.
Thanks for a lovely little story!
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reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Yes, the learning curve during those hectic days of early marriage, meeting college demands, and fitting in at work can be very steep! It's a wonder any of us survive at all. But (thankfully!) most of us do. Your Christmas tree story especially resonated with me. I have had more than one Charlie Brown tree; one which remained in the front room well past its expiry date until it had dropped every one of its needles!
A couple of suggestions:
"During the time(,) my husband and I lived in our second apartment, I continued to attend college until I got my BA degree with an Art major and an Education minor." -The first comma is unnecessary.
"Since we only had one car and I didn't drive, I had to ride a bus each day. Most days after I arrived at the bus station, I took a local city bus home." -These sentences sound redundant. The wording could be more concise such as: We had only one car in those days, and I didn't drive. So, I rode a bus each day.
I would be nice to introduce your husband by name at the start of the piece perhaps in this manner: "During the time my husband, Evan, and I lived in our second apartment, I continued to attend college..." As it currently reads, Evan's name first appears well into your story, in the 7th paragraph. Being unfamiliar with his name caused me to return to the start of your story and reread, thinking I had somehow missed who this character was! By introducing us to Evan's name earlier, you also give yourself the option of using his name more throughout, rather than "my husband" and "he", "his", etc.
Thanks for a lovely little story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and your suggestions. I did take them and made the changes you suggested. My husband reads these stories and for some strange reason, he's sensitive about having his name mentioned often. I guess that is why I tend to use it sparingly. Still for those who aren't following all of these (This is the fifth in this series) I see the value of putting his name at the beginning so the essay can stand alone.
Beth
Comment from Mark Alan Trimeloni
During the time, my husband and I lived in our second apartment, I continued to attend college until I got my BA degree with an Art major and an Education minor. I'd taken Education courses in case, for some unlikely reason, I decided to teach. After doing practice teaching with a group of unruly pre-teens and slightly older teenagers, the probability of me deciding to teach became a lot less likely.
This is not uncommon. Many people start off on a certain career only to discover that it is not for them. I was going to be an accountant and turned out to be a writer instead. Go figure.
Our tree stayed up until February, and by that time, most of the needles were on the floor beneath it. Classes were in full swing for the spring semester, and I had no time to deal with shedding trees. When it became a source of embarrassment, I shoved it into one of the large walk-in closets, where its few remaining limbs continued to deteriorate until June. As I said before, temporary solutions with us could last for months. The tree was finally discarded, and we replaced broken window when our landlords insisted, just before we moved out the following fall.
I have a tendency to put things off until much later. Then I wonder why I didn't do them sooner. I've found a good move gets my energy flowing again. Being stuck in a rut just drains the life from you.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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During the time, my husband and I lived in our second apartment, I continued to attend college until I got my BA degree with an Art major and an Education minor. I'd taken Education courses in case, for some unlikely reason, I decided to teach. After doing practice teaching with a group of unruly pre-teens and slightly older teenagers, the probability of me deciding to teach became a lot less likely.
This is not uncommon. Many people start off on a certain career only to discover that it is not for them. I was going to be an accountant and turned out to be a writer instead. Go figure.
Our tree stayed up until February, and by that time, most of the needles were on the floor beneath it. Classes were in full swing for the spring semester, and I had no time to deal with shedding trees. When it became a source of embarrassment, I shoved it into one of the large walk-in closets, where its few remaining limbs continued to deteriorate until June. As I said before, temporary solutions with us could last for months. The tree was finally discarded, and we replaced broken window when our landlords insisted, just before we moved out the following fall.
I have a tendency to put things off until much later. Then I wonder why I didn't do them sooner. I've found a good move gets my energy flowing again. Being stuck in a rut just drains the life from you.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you Mark Alan. I really appreciate your review and I also appreciate you showing me things that struck a cord with you.
In retrospect, I should have selected another major. Fine Art courses aren't ideal for finding a job. I ended up in Commercial Art, but I could have probably done that without the degree. A degree does sometimes get your foot in the door, however.
Beth
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Has potential. Some suggestions:
"...some of his coworkers (co-workers)
"...carrying way (far, much) more...
"I dodged and the (thing)crashed against a window behind me shattering the glass.
CONSIDER:"I dodged and the teddy hit a window behind me shattering the glass.
Grades don't post themselves.CONSIDER:
"The grades wouldn't be posted until January."
Regards:
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Has potential. Some suggestions:
"...some of his coworkers (co-workers)
"...carrying way (far, much) more...
"I dodged and the (thing)crashed against a window behind me shattering the glass.
CONSIDER:"I dodged and the teddy hit a window behind me shattering the glass.
Grades don't post themselves.CONSIDER:
"The grades wouldn't be posted until January."
Regards:
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thanks Stephen. I appreciate the review and also very much appreciate you pointing out helpful suggestions. I've made the corrections you suggest. I had the dash in co-workers but for some reason my spell checker took it out.
Beth
Comment from in777wr#
Yes, this is a very good story. As I said before, I do appreciate how things are now. Your husband had some characters at work. LOL. I have one question: the fourth paragraph last sentence you wrote, "Were you ever able to break your from chasing". Is this an oversight? Otherwise a very good story.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Yes, this is a very good story. As I said before, I do appreciate how things are now. Your husband had some characters at work. LOL. I have one question: the fourth paragraph last sentence you wrote, "Were you ever able to break your from chasing". Is this an oversight? Otherwise a very good story.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and comments and for pointing out the spag. Yes, it was an oversight. I meant "break your wife from chasing cars."
Beth
Comment from rtobaygo
You have an unique way of bringing your writing down to Earth in a manner I don't see in posts from either website (this and writers' carnival).
You do it so easily that it's like the reader is witnessing the action first hand.
Reading your post brought back memories of my life at this stage -- did student teaching and worked my way thorough college.
Excellent post!
Take care,
Ray
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reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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You have an unique way of bringing your writing down to Earth in a manner I don't see in posts from either website (this and writers' carnival).
You do it so easily that it's like the reader is witnessing the action first hand.
Reading your post brought back memories of my life at this stage -- did student teaching and worked my way thorough college.
Excellent post!
Take care,
Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much Ray. I really appreciate the review and the kind comments. I'm so glad you like it and could relate.
Beth
