Leo
a young boy and his dog42 total reviews
Comment from sgalletti
Dear Alvin, I had to read this out loud three times to finally get the impeccable iambic pentameter meter. I actually think what made this difficult for me is that you use enjambment, proximate rhyme, alliteration, assonance and consonance so brilliantly in this piece. And I was wrapped up in the story and the emotions behnd the story. The biggest thing that threw me off is that while yu use enjambment so beautifully, and punctuation correctly at the end of the lines, you insist on capitalizing the first letter of each line. I find that archaic and wonder why. It really inhibits the flow for the reader. Hugs, Sue
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Dear Alvin, I had to read this out loud three times to finally get the impeccable iambic pentameter meter. I actually think what made this difficult for me is that you use enjambment, proximate rhyme, alliteration, assonance and consonance so brilliantly in this piece. And I was wrapped up in the story and the emotions behnd the story. The biggest thing that threw me off is that while yu use enjambment so beautifully, and punctuation correctly at the end of the lines, you insist on capitalizing the first letter of each line. I find that archaic and wonder why. It really inhibits the flow for the reader. Hugs, Sue
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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I really debated about that. Of course, I am used to being a dinosaur. I think I'll go back and change the capitalization. Thanks for the exceptional review. I'll send you a PM, too.
Comment from Brain_Dead
I relate to your story. I am a huge animal love and would bring home different animals home. Your story was very touching. And I found no mistakes. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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I relate to your story. I am a huge animal love and would bring home different animals home. Your story was very touching. And I found no mistakes. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Thanksa for an excellent review. I am quite honored.
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no problem, thank you for sharing your story:)
Comment from country ranch writer
wayward dog goes home with him and he's fed and any animal as long as the people are good to them.cute picture of the pup and so glad he was such a comfort. I miss my dog dhe hsd been gone for a few years now
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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wayward dog goes home with him and he's fed and any animal as long as the people are good to them.cute picture of the pup and so glad he was such a comfort. I miss my dog dhe hsd been gone for a few years now
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Yes, I don't have a pic of Leo; I wish I did. I think my sister might have one, but I don't see her very often. This picture I got off of FanArtReview. Thanks for an excellent review and understanding my poem.
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welcome
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
Aw, Alvin- this is so sweet! You painted a real visual with your words, describing the finding of this lovely little dog- to your father going to buy him food...and 'Leo' staying put in the yard- waiting for you. Sounds like true love. Really enjoyed this well-written piece. Thank you for sharing it with us! Betty
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Aw, Alvin- this is so sweet! You painted a real visual with your words, describing the finding of this lovely little dog- to your father going to buy him food...and 'Leo' staying put in the yard- waiting for you. Sounds like true love. Really enjoyed this well-written piece. Thank you for sharing it with us! Betty
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Thanks for an excellent review. I felt I needed to write something happy. It had a different original ending about Leo comforting little boys in heaven, but people found that sad! So I omitted those two stanzas for posting on FanStory. You understood the story very well. Thanks for calling the piece "well-written."
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You're so welcome, Alvin. It was an excellent story! Couldn't have been better! Betty
Comment from RodG
I love dog stories, especially about those taken in by young boys. I have a similar tale I could tell, but that's for another day (or contest). You did a great job of telling this story until the very end. Confusing how many boys there were in this dog's life. Your characterization of the Father touched me most as he appears to be a kind, loving, father. Sometimes your rhyming seems a bit forced, but overall you write well within the ABAB parameters. RodG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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I love dog stories, especially about those taken in by young boys. I have a similar tale I could tell, but that's for another day (or contest). You did a great job of telling this story until the very end. Confusing how many boys there were in this dog's life. Your characterization of the Father touched me most as he appears to be a kind, loving, father. Sometimes your rhyming seems a bit forced, but overall you write well within the ABAB parameters. RodG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Those last two stanzas have confused many reviewers and I am probably going to take them out. There are only two boys in the story--me and one whom Leo comforted after both he and Leo died and went to heaven. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from angelmagnet
Roaring like a lion, your poem screams comfort. What a gentle and special match between animal and child. The story about your father, leaving open the gate is precious. I guess many things can be taught
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Roaring like a lion, your poem screams comfort. What a gentle and special match between animal and child. The story about your father, leaving open the gate is precious. I guess many things can be taught
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Thanks for an excellent review; I am most grateful.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Hi Alvin, this is a lovely endearing children's poem. The story poem has great imagery, strong rhyme and flow.
Overall a keen emotional attachment that I picked up and felt almost immediately as I read it.
Well done. Thanks for sharing it and good luck in the contest.
Maureen
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Hi Alvin, this is a lovely endearing children's poem. The story poem has great imagery, strong rhyme and flow.
Overall a keen emotional attachment that I picked up and felt almost immediately as I read it.
Well done. Thanks for sharing it and good luck in the contest.
Maureen
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Thanks for an excellent review. I am most grateful.
Comment from mumsyone
I think the story is great. I have a slight problem with three lines that I trip over a little each time I read it, though. So, if anything, I would fix the meter in these lines:
It happened so swift I was in a fog.
Soon after he gave my smooth cheek a smooch,
He comforted me when my grandmothers died--
I hesistate to give suggestions as how I would fix them, but I would be happy to do that, if you wish.
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I enjoyed reading your poem, Alvin--a form I haven't seen much of from you. Good rhyme and meter and a great story, though sad. Good luck in the contest!
Lois
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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I think the story is great. I have a slight problem with three lines that I trip over a little each time I read it, though. So, if anything, I would fix the meter in these lines:
It happened so swift I was in a fog.
Soon after he gave my smooth cheek a smooch,
He comforted me when my grandmothers died--
I hesistate to give suggestions as how I would fix them, but I would be happy to do that, if you wish.
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I enjoyed reading your poem, Alvin--a form I haven't seen much of from you. Good rhyme and meter and a great story, though sad. Good luck in the contest!
Lois
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Many people find this sad; I didn't mean it to be. I am glad there are other children in heaven (who died too young) whom Leo is comforting. I am thinking about taking the last two stanzas out. What do you think? Thanks for an excellent review.
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No, I wouldn't take them out. It is a little sad but also happy (which I should have added to my review). I thought it was great that you father accepted the dog and let you keep it; that it made you so happy; and that now you feel it is making someone else happy. So, no, I wouldn't take anything out of it.
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Well, I am being starred down for the ending. I like the poem as is, but one writes for one's audiences, and the FS audience (with exceptions like you and GracieAnn, who gave me a six), don't understand the poem now. I took those last two stanzas out. If I submit it for publication, I'll put those last two stanzas back in. Thanks for replying to me.
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I think it works well either way but, as you say, reviewers who don't get it are likely to under-rate it. Looking at it again, I think you've made a wise choice for an entry on FS.
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Does the poem seem now (without those last two stanzas) to be complete to you? I really need to know. I liked those two stanzas, but they're for an, ahem, sophisticated audience. I respect your opinion.
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I took out those two stanzas and tried to fix the meter in the three lines you mention. I sent you a PM.
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I answered your PM. It should be there.
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And I replied. It should be there as well. Thanks for all your help.
Comment from GracieAnn
Such a tender tribute to one of God's created beings. We are assigned to take care of creation as a course of duty, but God makes our duty joyful by returning to us faithful fur person's to love us back unconditionally. Great job with rhyme and flow.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Such a tender tribute to one of God's created beings. We are assigned to take care of creation as a course of duty, but God makes our duty joyful by returning to us faithful fur person's to love us back unconditionally. Great job with rhyme and flow.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Thanks for your exceptional review. I am most grateful. The last two stanzas have confused other reviewers. Do you think I should leave them in or take them out?
Comment from JeanneHP
Great poem. I notice you stayed with the syllable count, which I personally like. I also appreciated the content of your poetry, and of course, Leo. Very nice poetry!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Great poem. I notice you stayed with the syllable count, which I personally like. I also appreciated the content of your poetry, and of course, Leo. Very nice poetry!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2013
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Thanks for the compliment to Leo; he was a fine dog. Thanks for you also for your excellent review. I am quite honored. The last two stanzas have confused other reviewers. Do you think I should leave them in or take them out?
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The only stanza that I feel is a little confusing is the second to last. Maybe you could make a small change. I would definitely leave the last one in. Only my opinion, but I really like it.
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I really liked it, too, but those two stanzas confused enough people I had to take them out. If I submit this for publication, I may put them back in. Thanks for responding.
