Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Utahu Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a nice story that flowed well. I found it easy to read basically because the language is very simple. There was no serious dialogue" except between man and dog) but the story was still easy to read. WELL DONE
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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This is a nice story that flowed well. I found it easy to read basically because the language is very simple. There was no serious dialogue" except between man and dog) but the story was still easy to read. WELL DONE
Comment Written 05-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Hi, Perp. This was one of those chapters that transitions the story and you have noted well its weakness. Thanks much for reading and for your generous review. Bev
Comment from c_lucas
You have thrown a monkey wrench to stir up my thoughts on the killer. The energy attack does not make sense unless the physical and spritual have combined forces. As usual this is very well written.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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You have thrown a monkey wrench to stir up my thoughts on the killer. The energy attack does not make sense unless the physical and spritual have combined forces. As usual this is very well written.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Yup, that's where I'm headed, charlie. Thanks so much for the great review. Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from Connie C
Wow, Bev! I love scary stories, and this chapter of yours is right up there in that category. What great description throughout, starting with the description in the first few paragraphs of Tony with Wasu, his dog, and then the scene where Tony's bed is rising with the sense of a spirit in the room. Not only is this a spine tingling chapter, but I like how you included so much information in your author's notes from describing the characters to defining some terms, to explaining how the Native Americans consider sage to be a sacred herb. I didn't detect any spags at all, but I was pretty engrossed in the story. You truly are gifted, my friend.
Hugs,
Connie
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Wow, Bev! I love scary stories, and this chapter of yours is right up there in that category. What great description throughout, starting with the description in the first few paragraphs of Tony with Wasu, his dog, and then the scene where Tony's bed is rising with the sense of a spirit in the room. Not only is this a spine tingling chapter, but I like how you included so much information in your author's notes from describing the characters to defining some terms, to explaining how the Native Americans consider sage to be a sacred herb. I didn't detect any spags at all, but I was pretty engrossed in the story. You truly are gifted, my friend.
Hugs,
Connie
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2013
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Thank you, thank you, my dear friend. I sure appreciate your wonderful words of support and encouragement. I was not sure about this chapter, as if something was keeping me from trusting my usual instincts. Interesting given what I'm writing about. Anyway, I worked too hard on it to just trash it, so I said what the heck and put it out.
You're always so generous and loving, Connie. Worth a million - that's you!
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
WOW, Bev.
The atmosphere is alive with tension, the descriptions of the poltergeist activity are compelling, and the dog, his tongue draped over his teeth...great stuff.
A couple of things for you.
The further his footsteps from the house, the better he began to feel. - a word missing after footsteps?
"Probably a squirrel teasing him from the safety of a tree trunk," he thought as he followed. - if this is thought, then should you have the speech quotations, I know because you say he thought, you do not italicize, but I don't think you need the quotations.
Brilliant chapter. Great description of the reaction to the corpse. Can't wait for the next one.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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WOW, Bev.
The atmosphere is alive with tension, the descriptions of the poltergeist activity are compelling, and the dog, his tongue draped over his teeth...great stuff.
A couple of things for you.
The further his footsteps from the house, the better he began to feel. - a word missing after footsteps?
"Probably a squirrel teasing him from the safety of a tree trunk," he thought as he followed. - if this is thought, then should you have the speech quotations, I know because you say he thought, you do not italicize, but I don't think you need the quotations.
Brilliant chapter. Great description of the reaction to the corpse. Can't wait for the next one.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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That whole internal thought thing often confuses me. Based on the advice of another reviewer, I've changed the wording of the sentence where Tony begins his walk. Really appreciate the help of writers of your caliber, Karen. Thanks a bunch for the encouragement. :0) Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"He whimpered and circled AGITATEDLY, torn..." I'm not a fan of LY adverbs. This one is hard to pronouce besides. Just a suggestion, but I'd just drop it. Or you could say, "in agitation."
I think Tony is darned brave to tackle a supernatural force like that. It would scare me witless, I think.
Hey, you're making me hungry for steak and mushrooms.
"He reluctantly acceeded to the Dispatcher's request that he remain until the police arrived." Too formal, Bev. Write it as we speak it. That line calls more attention to style than to content. Simplify.
Nice, Bev. I know you want to introduce us to a bit of Native American culture, but I worry the following of Tony's walk in such detail might slow the pace too much. The reading audience is a fickle creature. It needs to feel the constant thrum of movement, emotions, tension. Just a caution.
I believe your narrative voice would gain strength and authority by culling as many "ly" adverbs as you can. Too many of them makes a writing voice seem a bit hesitant.
You go, girl. Next!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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"He whimpered and circled AGITATEDLY, torn..." I'm not a fan of LY adverbs. This one is hard to pronouce besides. Just a suggestion, but I'd just drop it. Or you could say, "in agitation."
I think Tony is darned brave to tackle a supernatural force like that. It would scare me witless, I think.
Hey, you're making me hungry for steak and mushrooms.
"He reluctantly acceeded to the Dispatcher's request that he remain until the police arrived." Too formal, Bev. Write it as we speak it. That line calls more attention to style than to content. Simplify.
Nice, Bev. I know you want to introduce us to a bit of Native American culture, but I worry the following of Tony's walk in such detail might slow the pace too much. The reading audience is a fickle creature. It needs to feel the constant thrum of movement, emotions, tension. Just a caution.
I believe your narrative voice would gain strength and authority by culling as many "ly" adverbs as you can. Too many of them makes a writing voice seem a bit hesitant.
You go, girl. Next!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Thanks for your suggestions, Adrienne. I always appreciate your good insights and loyal support. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from marijmd
It is always hard to come in so far into a story and get an accurate accounting of things - but the scene was well written and I got a quick feel for Tony. I enjoyed the supernatural elements and the eerie finding of the dead man with disks over his eyes.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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It is always hard to come in so far into a story and get an accurate accounting of things - but the scene was well written and I got a quick feel for Tony. I enjoyed the supernatural elements and the eerie finding of the dead man with disks over his eyes.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Thank you, marijmd. I really appreciate you taking time to read this chapter and review so generously. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Wow! Holy crap. Oh, and I was going to have an early night because I have to get up very early tomorrow. I thought, I'll read Bev's post before bed.
What an ending to this post! I'm gonna start calling you Captain Hook. LOL!
I'll be sleeping with the light on after reading about the goings on in the bedroom!
No, seriously, Bev. You ROCK at this stuff. I tell you, there's well-selling books out there that don't come close to this quality. The tension, the description, the way you set it up.
I've see the smudging ceremony on tv, because I watch all the paranormal shows. It's fascinating. I also continue to thoroughly enjoy the native aspect of this work. It adds an extra spiritual dimension to the whole thing.
Fantastic read. If I had the book, I'd be off to bed with it for a night time read! And likely scare myself silly.
Just super.
Av
xxx
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Wow! Holy crap. Oh, and I was going to have an early night because I have to get up very early tomorrow. I thought, I'll read Bev's post before bed.
What an ending to this post! I'm gonna start calling you Captain Hook. LOL!
I'll be sleeping with the light on after reading about the goings on in the bedroom!
No, seriously, Bev. You ROCK at this stuff. I tell you, there's well-selling books out there that don't come close to this quality. The tension, the description, the way you set it up.
I've see the smudging ceremony on tv, because I watch all the paranormal shows. It's fascinating. I also continue to thoroughly enjoy the native aspect of this work. It adds an extra spiritual dimension to the whole thing.
Fantastic read. If I had the book, I'd be off to bed with it for a night time read! And likely scare myself silly.
Just super.
Av
xxx
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Oh, you doll you! I've got a huge smile on my face at the idea of me as Captain Hook. Your sense of humor really tickles me.
Thank you so much for this superly helpful and encouraging review, Av. I'm deeply honored by your encouragement and support. Especially as you are one of my heroes.
Love ya and sleep well LOL
Bev
Comment from barkingdog
The description of the poltergeist activity and the mess it made in the kitchen is very visual.
I enjoyed all of the activity with Wasu. My dogs aren't so polite. They'd grab the bacon and swallow so quickly that without losing eye contact they'd still be staring at me as if to say 'what bacon' 'where' 'don't I get any?' LOL
You had many little things that set the mood in the forest from a nice walk looking for mushroom to change to the discovery of the body: The old oaks with the amputated limbs, the two snakes even 'the Lake that appeared manteled in diamond dust.'
It was quite a surprise when Tony found 'the missing white man.' Your mystery continues with many twists and turns.
Some things to check out:
-and stopped before the only drawer in the room undisturbed.
and stopped in front of the only drawer in the room that was left undisturbed.(before/ after; in front/behind)
-A hot shower and breakfast cleansed [eased]residual tension.
(a breakfast wouldn't cleanse)
-Depending on the quantity found, he'd pick some for his evening meal and others to dry for winter stews and soups.
Depending on the quantity found, he'd eat some for his evening meal, and others he'd dry for winter stews and soups.
-Wasu, who was busy marking the nearby trees[,] failed to notice.
-Soon[,] Tony was caught
-were linked[,] or was it a foretelling of something coming?
-request [that?] he remain until the police arrived
- How was he going to tell her the murdered man was placed on the identical spot her sexually-traumatized son, Billy, shot himself years before?
How was he going to tell her that the murdered man laid or was laid on the identical spot her sexually-traumatized son, Billy, had shot himself years before?
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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The description of the poltergeist activity and the mess it made in the kitchen is very visual.
I enjoyed all of the activity with Wasu. My dogs aren't so polite. They'd grab the bacon and swallow so quickly that without losing eye contact they'd still be staring at me as if to say 'what bacon' 'where' 'don't I get any?' LOL
You had many little things that set the mood in the forest from a nice walk looking for mushroom to change to the discovery of the body: The old oaks with the amputated limbs, the two snakes even 'the Lake that appeared manteled in diamond dust.'
It was quite a surprise when Tony found 'the missing white man.' Your mystery continues with many twists and turns.
Some things to check out:
-and stopped before the only drawer in the room undisturbed.
and stopped in front of the only drawer in the room that was left undisturbed.(before/ after; in front/behind)
-A hot shower and breakfast cleansed [eased]residual tension.
(a breakfast wouldn't cleanse)
-Depending on the quantity found, he'd pick some for his evening meal and others to dry for winter stews and soups.
Depending on the quantity found, he'd eat some for his evening meal, and others he'd dry for winter stews and soups.
-Wasu, who was busy marking the nearby trees[,] failed to notice.
-Soon[,] Tony was caught
-were linked[,] or was it a foretelling of something coming?
-request [that?] he remain until the police arrived
- How was he going to tell her the murdered man was placed on the identical spot her sexually-traumatized son, Billy, shot himself years before?
How was he going to tell her that the murdered man laid or was laid on the identical spot her sexually-traumatized son, Billy, had shot himself years before?
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much, Ellen. I think your suggestions are good ones, and I'm off to make some changes. However, the use of THAT is something I try to avoid. Your support aand encouragement mean a lot! :0) Bev
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I don't use it much either and didn't suggest it in the many other spots it might be used. But I had a hard time in the last sentence mentioned with one.
The first suggestion using 'that'(the one with the question mark can probably do without it
Comment from Dawn Munro
Bev, this scared the hell outa me, girl! LOL - Exceptional chapter! One tiny suggestion: 1) "...might be his niece(,) Jana(,)..." < commas before and after "Jana", yes?
Wow, this story just gets better and better!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Bev, this scared the hell outa me, girl! LOL - Exceptional chapter! One tiny suggestion: 1) "...might be his niece(,) Jana(,)..." < commas before and after "Jana", yes?
Wow, this story just gets better and better!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Dawn, thank you so much for your very generous review. I appreciate the suggested change. Thanks for the sharp eye. Your continued support means a lot to me, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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Ditto, my friend - your support means the world to me too. Bev, I kid you not - this chapter was a real heart-in-throat nail-biter! (I LOVED it!)
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I'm learning so much about how to be a better writer thanks to reviewers like you, Dawn. And I really am honored to have you as a friend. Xxx
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Again, I feel exactly the same way! XXX
Comment from Treischel
An excellent story very well written. A great depth of detail from the crows, to the dog, the spiritual attack, the snakes, the mushrooms. This moves along with a wonderful mix of tension and wonder. These of Native American ritual and language is both educational and compelling. It adds ancient wisdom and context. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this tale. Very well done!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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An excellent story very well written. A great depth of detail from the crows, to the dog, the spiritual attack, the snakes, the mushrooms. This moves along with a wonderful mix of tension and wonder. These of Native American ritual and language is both educational and compelling. It adds ancient wisdom and context. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this tale. Very well done!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Thank you so much for you generous review, Treischel. I really appreciate you choosing to read my chapter. And your wonderfully supportive insights have me smiling! Regards, Bev
