Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "My Nightmare."memiors from my life experiences.
34 total reviews
Comment from yadams
My heart is beating very fast right now... This is a terribly terrifying story. As fiction? Fine. But to know that this is real, all of it, is deeply saddening. I have to say, the ending is very confusing to me... is the boy dead? Who is screaming? I'm really not sure what happened in the end. Some clarification would be very helpful... Also, there are many spelling and grammar errors. If you are writing this as if the child wrote it, then fine. But otherwise, you really need to scour your writing for proper usage. Good luck and keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
   |
My heart is beating very fast right now... This is a terribly terrifying story. As fiction? Fine. But to know that this is real, all of it, is deeply saddening. I have to say, the ending is very confusing to me... is the boy dead? Who is screaming? I'm really not sure what happened in the end. Some clarification would be very helpful... Also, there are many spelling and grammar errors. If you are writing this as if the child wrote it, then fine. But otherwise, you really need to scour your writing for proper usage. Good luck and keep up the good work.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2012
-
Yes I got tired and needed a brake ill fix it up and finish the ending later thanks for the review.
Comment from potepoet
As this is in a connect, conventions might help convey your message and earn presentation points:
-"With whom to play" takes care of the ending a sentence with "with" and adds to the distance the speaker typically had to kids by using the formal voice
-"There was Michael, he was a year younger than I at eight,"
- sister's age, around . . .
-several wrong spellings of word choices
content:
-Why, on this day, did the kids come to play, which seems to be unusual- this question might need to be addressed in the opening paragraph or readers may dwell
- are Michael 1 and Barbara most important? Those are the kids who get any detail . . . The others are just names, forming a crowd
- "I don't know if it was the fact..." Segment seems to start rumination, so maybe some other ideas can be added here as reasons why the kids show up or haven't
Strong images: the child speaker as a teddy bear and sponge are the first things I can actually picture and they are what bring me into the reader's story and experience
Whoa . . . The jail stint is a big piece that needs to be addressed- this has reader interest and a shaping role and at this point I am confused, as it seems life has progressed and the speaker is no longer a child where the opening scene sets us up to read about the child's autumn day
Last paragraph you say Author decided to hide underground, but you never mention him before this as one of the kids there
This has a setup for a scene that could be a great opening to mystery and uses kids and their natural behavior to bring in a unique take on horror
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
As this is in a connect, conventions might help convey your message and earn presentation points:
-"With whom to play" takes care of the ending a sentence with "with" and adds to the distance the speaker typically had to kids by using the formal voice
-"There was Michael, he was a year younger than I at eight,"
- sister's age, around . . .
-several wrong spellings of word choices
content:
-Why, on this day, did the kids come to play, which seems to be unusual- this question might need to be addressed in the opening paragraph or readers may dwell
- are Michael 1 and Barbara most important? Those are the kids who get any detail . . . The others are just names, forming a crowd
- "I don't know if it was the fact..." Segment seems to start rumination, so maybe some other ideas can be added here as reasons why the kids show up or haven't
Strong images: the child speaker as a teddy bear and sponge are the first things I can actually picture and they are what bring me into the reader's story and experience
Whoa . . . The jail stint is a big piece that needs to be addressed- this has reader interest and a shaping role and at this point I am confused, as it seems life has progressed and the speaker is no longer a child where the opening scene sets us up to read about the child's autumn day
Last paragraph you say Author decided to hide underground, but you never mention him before this as one of the kids there
This has a setup for a scene that could be a great opening to mystery and uses kids and their natural behavior to bring in a unique take on horror
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
This was not supposed to be in preview mode sorry but thank you for the thoughtful gramatical corrections i will go through everyone anway. cheers.
Comment from Galactia
Wow that is really sad and hope non of that is true and it's all fiction.
I had a friend who was abused like that. the father died. Mother had a new boyfriend that didn't accept kids and she was fostered out. Every 2 weeks was a different mum.
Though my husband's brother was fosted out two for different reason. He ended up in a stable family and grew up in Queensland which was much better then my friend who was living up and down the east coast of Australia. N.S.W one day, Queensland the next. Very chaotic. Especially unstable schooling.
easy to read
Good luck in the contest.
Regards
Tia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
Wow that is really sad and hope non of that is true and it's all fiction.
I had a friend who was abused like that. the father died. Mother had a new boyfriend that didn't accept kids and she was fostered out. Every 2 weeks was a different mum.
Though my husband's brother was fosted out two for different reason. He ended up in a stable family and grew up in Queensland which was much better then my friend who was living up and down the east coast of Australia. N.S.W one day, Queensland the next. Very chaotic. Especially unstable schooling.
easy to read
Good luck in the contest.
Regards
Tia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
thanks but that wasnt supposed to be in preview mode yet. thanks for the kind review however.
Comment from Allison78
I think this is a very compelling story about your life. You have some run on sentences especially in the second paragraph. In the sentence where you say you got out of jail, their should be there and burry should be bury.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
I think this is a very compelling story about your life. You have some run on sentences especially in the second paragraph. In the sentence where you say you got out of jail, their should be there and burry should be bury.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
Thanks that wasnt supposed to be in preview mode yet I dont know what happened does that sometimes sorry.