Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Challenge."memiors from my life experiences.
97 total reviews
Comment from fluffnstuff
well done, and I know how frightening the ocean can be on a personal level myself. This is the second time I have read this and this time got the opportunity to vote on it. There's nothing like testing that higher power which usually leaves you humbly saying "I'm sorry" as the result. I liked it bunches
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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well done, and I know how frightening the ocean can be on a personal level myself. This is the second time I have read this and this time got the opportunity to vote on it. There's nothing like testing that higher power which usually leaves you humbly saying "I'm sorry" as the result. I liked it bunches
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from gramalot8
Keimosobie, I really enjoyed your story. I could feel the desire to be in the water and enjoy the ride of those tremedous waves. I can just see then, the fright and frustration of having them overtake you and Sam. I felt fatiqued just reading it and was happy that all turned out ok. Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Keimosobie, I really enjoyed your story. I could feel the desire to be in the water and enjoy the ride of those tremedous waves. I can just see then, the fright and frustration of having them overtake you and Sam. I felt fatiqued just reading it and was happy that all turned out ok. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from marcii
What a hard lesson you had to learn. Must have been so terrifying at the time.
I think I understand why you told Sam not to tell her parents about what just occurred. Though it was the wrong thing to do.
Your lesson didn't end with you both making it back to the beach.
Thankfully you both are fine and I'm real glad you gave up smoking too.
Marcii
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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What a hard lesson you had to learn. Must have been so terrifying at the time.
I think I understand why you told Sam not to tell her parents about what just occurred. Though it was the wrong thing to do.
Your lesson didn't end with you both making it back to the beach.
Thankfully you both are fine and I'm real glad you gave up smoking too.
Marcii
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from suneagle
In essence a heart-rending story of foolishness, faith and self-sacrifice. Quite a weighty narrative, but very loose, wordy, and at times repetitive in the telling.
I've noted a number of suggestions and adjustments that you may like to consider:
and so we went camping at [Smith Point] beach on Fire Island[.]
At least [five to ten feet high], the waves rolled in one after another.
I could sense what was there, there was a feeling of turmoil and anger, mixed with power and exhilaration.
(Rather than the repetition of "there", I suggest:
I could sense there was a feeling of turmoil and anger, mixed with power and exhilaration.)
I was in heaven[, but] it was very exhausting.
(Place the comma before the conjunction not after it.)
The current was so strong I came back to the shallows to get my wind, [and] then I would go back out again.
This gave me some time for some soul searching.
(Two things here. First, avoid the repetition of "some". Second, "soul-searching" is hyphenated:
This gave me time for some soul-searching.)
I had gotten away from church, and done a few things, that's [let's] just say, I'm not proud of.
(It's an awkward sentence. I suggest simplifying:
I had gotten away from church and done a few things, let's say, I'm not proud of.)
I looked at the water and I said out loud[:] "Satan, if you are going to take my soul, take it now or release it."
(Notice by using a colon you can group the attributive clause and the dialogue in one paragraph.)
I swam on till I exhausted myself completely. Feeling completely satisfied I waded out of the ocean feeling victorious.
(Notice the repetition of "completely". I suggest deleting one instance.)
I conquered the ocean[] and Satan, all in one blow.
(Comma deleted.)
I made breakfast for my [thirteen-year-old] daughter, Emily, and my [eleven-year-old] niece, Samantha.
My God, "what am I going to do?"
(I'm not sure why part of that sentence is within quote marks. It is either all thought or all speech. If thought, it doesn't need the quote marks. If speech, the quote marks should be: "My God, what am I going to do?")
I searched up in the sky for a rescue plane, but that was in vain.
(Awkward and ambiguous. You weren't literally "up" in the sky yourself. I suggest: I scanned the sky...)
I had to catch this wave because another wave this far out may not come again for [fifteen] minutes.
By that time I could be a quarter mile out again.
(You used a fraction to indicate "quarter" previously. It's best to be consistent.)
The wave was [past] me but with a Herculean effort I managed to push her through the back of the wave into it.
["I can't,"] she cried.
She was in [waist-deep] water[,] but the current was so strong she couldn't stand.
She stood for maybe 1/2 a second before that wave hit.
(Fractions or words, make a decision.)
I [lay] there on the shore.
***
I trust I've been helpful. PM if you have any questions or comments about this review.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
 |
In essence a heart-rending story of foolishness, faith and self-sacrifice. Quite a weighty narrative, but very loose, wordy, and at times repetitive in the telling.
I've noted a number of suggestions and adjustments that you may like to consider:
and so we went camping at [Smith Point] beach on Fire Island[.]
At least [five to ten feet high], the waves rolled in one after another.
I could sense what was there, there was a feeling of turmoil and anger, mixed with power and exhilaration.
(Rather than the repetition of "there", I suggest:
I could sense there was a feeling of turmoil and anger, mixed with power and exhilaration.)
I was in heaven[, but] it was very exhausting.
(Place the comma before the conjunction not after it.)
The current was so strong I came back to the shallows to get my wind, [and] then I would go back out again.
This gave me some time for some soul searching.
(Two things here. First, avoid the repetition of "some". Second, "soul-searching" is hyphenated:
This gave me time for some soul-searching.)
I had gotten away from church, and done a few things, that's [let's] just say, I'm not proud of.
(It's an awkward sentence. I suggest simplifying:
I had gotten away from church and done a few things, let's say, I'm not proud of.)
I looked at the water and I said out loud[:] "Satan, if you are going to take my soul, take it now or release it."
(Notice by using a colon you can group the attributive clause and the dialogue in one paragraph.)
I swam on till I exhausted myself completely. Feeling completely satisfied I waded out of the ocean feeling victorious.
(Notice the repetition of "completely". I suggest deleting one instance.)
I conquered the ocean[] and Satan, all in one blow.
(Comma deleted.)
I made breakfast for my [thirteen-year-old] daughter, Emily, and my [eleven-year-old] niece, Samantha.
My God, "what am I going to do?"
(I'm not sure why part of that sentence is within quote marks. It is either all thought or all speech. If thought, it doesn't need the quote marks. If speech, the quote marks should be: "My God, what am I going to do?")
I searched up in the sky for a rescue plane, but that was in vain.
(Awkward and ambiguous. You weren't literally "up" in the sky yourself. I suggest: I scanned the sky...)
I had to catch this wave because another wave this far out may not come again for [fifteen] minutes.
By that time I could be a quarter mile out again.
(You used a fraction to indicate "quarter" previously. It's best to be consistent.)
The wave was [past] me but with a Herculean effort I managed to push her through the back of the wave into it.
["I can't,"] she cried.
She was in [waist-deep] water[,] but the current was so strong she couldn't stand.
She stood for maybe 1/2 a second before that wave hit.
(Fractions or words, make a decision.)
I [lay] there on the shore.
***
I trust I've been helpful. PM if you have any questions or comments about this review.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from countess gram
This is a well written story and full of drama. I couldn't take my eyes off the page. You are a courageous man and also gave us a little message to live by. Your spirituality and your love and trust in God is what pulled you through.Well done!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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This is a well written story and full of drama. I couldn't take my eyes off the page. You are a courageous man and also gave us a little message to live by. Your spirituality and your love and trust in God is what pulled you through.Well done!
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from sueseagull
This is a riveting story and I could not stop reading it until I got to the end! Thank God you and your niece are safe. You definitely had a guardian angel watching you both on that day. Sometimes, I think God just knocks us on the head a little harder than usual and says " Duh.. yes I am still here watching you." Thank you for sharing this wonderful adventure and again thank goodness you are safe! Good luck in the contest.
SUE
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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This is a riveting story and I could not stop reading it until I got to the end! Thank God you and your niece are safe. You definitely had a guardian angel watching you both on that day. Sometimes, I think God just knocks us on the head a little harder than usual and says " Duh.. yes I am still here watching you." Thank you for sharing this wonderful adventure and again thank goodness you are safe! Good luck in the contest.
SUE
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thanks for the great review.
Comment from Dom G Robles
Very nice story. A very courageous one. Going out of the ocean beach, the writer and his niece decided to swim out there one summer day and were carried away by the waves farther and farther from the shore. With much effort and with the will to live they struggled on until finally they were back to the shore by fate of chance through the raging waves. It is a spiritual story that makes you feel relieved by believing in the power of prayers with the
the Almighty God. Dom
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Very nice story. A very courageous one. Going out of the ocean beach, the writer and his niece decided to swim out there one summer day and were carried away by the waves farther and farther from the shore. With much effort and with the will to live they struggled on until finally they were back to the shore by fate of chance through the raging waves. It is a spiritual story that makes you feel relieved by believing in the power of prayers with the
the Almighty God. Dom
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thank you
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Welcome keimosobie. Dom
Comment from marion
HI there
I enjoyed reading this. Very well written and with a great ending. There were quite a few lines I liked in this so I won't quote any in particular! I liked the style of action writing. And the entry into the story. I got very annoyed at one part - "Cowards, I thought, there is a little girl out here." You see, I wouldn't have come into a sea like this to save you or the little girl. Why, because I can barely swim, I am afraid of the sea and I would KNOW I'd loose my own life if I tried and then what of my family? And I would certainly not have been able to save you or the little girl. Yet I am no coward. It was like you, the idiot, blaming someone else for the situation where you put both your lives at risk. And also, the person's whom you expected to come and save you! I had to say that. Sorry. I'm so glad it worked for you both. Lessons learnt. I enjoyed the story. Marion.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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HI there
I enjoyed reading this. Very well written and with a great ending. There were quite a few lines I liked in this so I won't quote any in particular! I liked the style of action writing. And the entry into the story. I got very annoyed at one part - "Cowards, I thought, there is a little girl out here." You see, I wouldn't have come into a sea like this to save you or the little girl. Why, because I can barely swim, I am afraid of the sea and I would KNOW I'd loose my own life if I tried and then what of my family? And I would certainly not have been able to save you or the little girl. Yet I am no coward. It was like you, the idiot, blaming someone else for the situation where you put both your lives at risk. And also, the person's whom you expected to come and save you! I had to say that. Sorry. I'm so glad it worked for you both. Lessons learnt. I enjoyed the story. Marion.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review. and the stars
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi keimosobie,
I just returned from New York where I visited the Jersey shore. The surf was strong and high due to the hurricane but I didn't go in...I was scared to. I just wrote a poem about the Jersey shore and hope to post it today. I was on the edges of my seat as I read this story. The ending is spectacular and deserves six stars, if I only had one. Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Hi keimosobie,
I just returned from New York where I visited the Jersey shore. The surf was strong and high due to the hurricane but I didn't go in...I was scared to. I just wrote a poem about the Jersey shore and hope to post it today. I was on the edges of my seat as I read this story. The ending is spectacular and deserves six stars, if I only had one. Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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Thanks for the excellent review Ill keep my out for your poem.
Comment from marcellawachtel
I found this story very well-written, exciting and profound. Your descriptions are skilled and very effective, particularly as you and Samantha fought for your lives. The story rings true in each detail.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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I found this story very well-written, exciting and profound. Your descriptions are skilled and very effective, particularly as you and Samantha fought for your lives. The story rings true in each detail.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2010
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thanks for the review. and the stars