Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Sending You My Love."memiors from my life experiences.
42 total reviews
Comment from the blue pixel
As your proof reader, I found a missing apostrophe in the word 'won"t in the 3rd stanza, and in the 5th stanza, you have started the 1st line with "So im which needs to be "I'm" as the possessive must be capitalized and it also needs an apostrophe here too. 1st line and as your reviewer, you had my interest from the very first line, especially with the phrase, "lifting off the page" followed swiftly by "the perfect stage". "So I'm letting it all out of its golden cage" is lovely imagery. A comma is needed after the word "free" in the last stanza as there is a natural pause there anyway unless there is some rule of which I am not aware regarding punctuation in a villanelle. In the 2nd line, final stanza, you need again, to capitalize the letter I in "I'm" and you tie your message of love up beautifully in the last line so, just like any good story, you begin with an idea, take us along for the ride and come full circle by finishing in the same way. I somewhat strangely found the full stops at the end of every sentence unnecessary and possible not even grammatical correct Even though each sentence is a complete thought in itself, I feel that some of there are related to each other and have a slight flow on affect and perhaps a semi colon may be more appropriate. If it were me, I would leave the full stops out completely and again, this could be of an inbuilt habit of mine to never punctuate at the end of a line as is, I have noticed, the common practice among poets on this site. I hope this has been helpful to you. Carol
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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As your proof reader, I found a missing apostrophe in the word 'won"t in the 3rd stanza, and in the 5th stanza, you have started the 1st line with "So im which needs to be "I'm" as the possessive must be capitalized and it also needs an apostrophe here too. 1st line and as your reviewer, you had my interest from the very first line, especially with the phrase, "lifting off the page" followed swiftly by "the perfect stage". "So I'm letting it all out of its golden cage" is lovely imagery. A comma is needed after the word "free" in the last stanza as there is a natural pause there anyway unless there is some rule of which I am not aware regarding punctuation in a villanelle. In the 2nd line, final stanza, you need again, to capitalize the letter I in "I'm" and you tie your message of love up beautifully in the last line so, just like any good story, you begin with an idea, take us along for the ride and come full circle by finishing in the same way. I somewhat strangely found the full stops at the end of every sentence unnecessary and possible not even grammatical correct Even though each sentence is a complete thought in itself, I feel that some of there are related to each other and have a slight flow on affect and perhaps a semi colon may be more appropriate. If it were me, I would leave the full stops out completely and again, this could be of an inbuilt habit of mine to never punctuate at the end of a line as is, I have noticed, the common practice among poets on this site. I hope this has been helpful to you. Carol
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Yes you were most helpful my punctuation is horrible. Corrections made.
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No problem.Pix
Comment from fionageorge
What a wonderful and lilting feeling this villanelle has. I have not come across this type of poem before, but really enjoyed reading this. It sounds almost like you could put music to it.
Great rhyme and lovely message.
Thanks for sharing and educating me on this villanelle.
Warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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What a wonderful and lilting feeling this villanelle has. I have not come across this type of poem before, but really enjoyed reading this. It sounds almost like you could put music to it.
Great rhyme and lovely message.
Thanks for sharing and educating me on this villanelle.
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Your welcome, and thanks for the stars.
Comment from daniela.albu
I enjoyed reading this villanele poem. It has music and grace and the refrain brings each time a new meaning. The message conveyed is the gift of positive thinking and love that flies from the poem sending its vibes into the universe.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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I enjoyed reading this villanele poem. It has music and grace and the refrain brings each time a new meaning. The message conveyed is the gift of positive thinking and love that flies from the poem sending its vibes into the universe.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thank you i'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from sgalletti
HMMM...You use a lot of wonderful poetic terms in your author's notes...villanelle, tercet and quatrain. I admire your attempt at incorporating all of these poetic forms in this piece. And, I am impressed with your growth on this site and will pay more attention to your writing because you have a tremendous amount of potential as a poet. Yep...you've got single syllable rhymes in the right place. But, what about the meter/scansion? It is totally unrecognizable (and incorrect for the forms you cite) in this piece....Please keep writing...Sue
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reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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HMMM...You use a lot of wonderful poetic terms in your author's notes...villanelle, tercet and quatrain. I admire your attempt at incorporating all of these poetic forms in this piece. And, I am impressed with your growth on this site and will pay more attention to your writing because you have a tremendous amount of potential as a poet. Yep...you've got single syllable rhymes in the right place. But, what about the meter/scansion? It is totally unrecognizable (and incorrect for the forms you cite) in this piece....Please keep writing...Sue
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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You got me. But don't worry the best is yet to come.
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello keimosobie,
I like the format of these Villanele poems. The sequential repetition is quite effective and helps keep the reader focused.
ray
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Hello keimosobie,
I like the format of these Villanele poems. The sequential repetition is quite effective and helps keep the reader focused.
ray
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thanks
Comment from Minglement
This is the perfect poetic form for your beauitul romantic poem. Your lyrical poem plays perfectly off of your chosen artwork and background. Lovely.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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This is the perfect poetic form for your beauitul romantic poem. Your lyrical poem plays perfectly off of your chosen artwork and background. Lovely.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Thank you.
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You're very welcome. Marcia
Comment from Allezw2
Master keimosobie,
In writing to a form, and observing the required discipline, one has to tweak English's large vocabulary if the thought is to coherent.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
For your consideration:
- I send my soul to soar lifting (of)[off] this page
OF would be a strained allusion, indeed, though it could work. I think you meant OFF.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Master keimosobie,
In writing to a form, and observing the required discipline, one has to tweak English's large vocabulary if the thought is to coherent.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
For your consideration:
- I send my soul to soar lifting (of)[off] this page
OF would be a strained allusion, indeed, though it could work. I think you meant OFF.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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thanks correction made
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You're quite welcome.
Comment from kovarou
this poem reminds me of edgar allen poe, very clever repetion of parts in all stanza's i love the way you lure the audience in with your words and the strange mix of emotion within the poem i love it thanks for posting it
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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this poem reminds me of edgar allen poe, very clever repetion of parts in all stanza's i love the way you lure the audience in with your words and the strange mix of emotion within the poem i love it thanks for posting it
Comment Written 10-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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thank you
Comment from LadyWave
I wasn't familiar with the villanelle, so thanks for the lesson! I thought this was a lovely poem that flowed very well. One little nit - in the second to last line - 'soul' instead of 'sole.' Nice work!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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I wasn't familiar with the villanelle, so thanks for the lesson! I thought this was a lovely poem that flowed very well. One little nit - in the second to last line - 'soul' instead of 'sole.' Nice work!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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thanks correction made
Comment from Sharon Lee
Not an easy form to do well and I thought this was done quite well, the ending pulled it all together........................................ well done!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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Not an easy form to do well and I thought this was done quite well, the ending pulled it all together........................................ well done!
Comment Written 09-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2010
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thank you
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my pleasure