Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 51 "Chapter 15; part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
79 total reviews
Comment from marcii
A good story with a lot happening it and the only small thing I was a little los in some of the scenes as they went from one to the other,might be just me.
Interesting characters and a good type of story.
Marcii
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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A good story with a lot happening it and the only small thing I was a little los in some of the scenes as they went from one to the other,might be just me.
Interesting characters and a good type of story.
Marcii
Comment Written 10-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I'll recheck that.
Comment from jc123
I read your other story with Matt and Dani. i enjoyed the first one and it was excellent. When I started with this one i hoped it would be as good. It was the caratchers where just as amusing as the first. the story was excellent. i will defernity read more of your stories. Thanks jc123
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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I read your other story with Matt and Dani. i enjoyed the first one and it was excellent. When I started with this one i hoped it would be as good. It was the caratchers where just as amusing as the first. the story was excellent. i will defernity read more of your stories. Thanks jc123
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2010
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I will soon be posting a third story about the task force. Joe, Matt's side kick.
Comment from LadyWave
I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I found this very easy to read and follow. The action moved well and I enjoyed the characters. I'll have to check out more of your work.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I found this very easy to read and follow. The action moved well and I enjoyed the characters. I'll have to check out more of your work.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nor84
Hi, Barbara. I don't know if I caught parts 1 and 2, but here goes anyway.
Leya woke-up (woke up>>verbs are never hyphenated.
There was only one door to the cabin and she stared at it repeating the prayer Steven >>better to say 'praying Steven would soon enter.'
Pops whizzed through the window. Glass shattered>>the glass has to shatter as the bullets (not pops) come in. The glass would explode first; bullets travel faster than sound.
"We do know Leya's inside." >>>I'd use 'she' here to avoid the name repeat.
Leya's the only female in the scene. Use 'her' when they cut her hands loose.
Ralph, Geoff, if there's anyway (any way)>>anyway, one word, is an adverb as in "I didn't want to go anyway."
He added an editorial,>>suggest cutting as unnecessary.
If you don't know for a fact that crosshairs could be seen, I wouldn't say it. I don't know, but there' sure to be some military guy or hunter to comment if you're wrong.
Leya's body trembled, as did her voice. >>>better to say 'she' trembled
"Matt, I got a clear shot at Carlos, do you want me to take it?" >>>can he just say "I got a clear shot and delete 'at Carlos' which was just used a few lines ago? 'interrupted Bob' is a jarring speech tag. 'Bob asked' would go unnoticed by the reader.
Bullets don't 'pop' and the first thing would be the impact (seen, not heard) with sound following close thereafter. You will sometimes hear small arms fire referred to as popping, but that's when it's heard at a distance, the weapons, not the bullets.
Substitute 'she' stared into his eyes for 'Leya stared'
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Hi, Barbara. I don't know if I caught parts 1 and 2, but here goes anyway.
Leya woke-up (woke up>>verbs are never hyphenated.
There was only one door to the cabin and she stared at it repeating the prayer Steven >>better to say 'praying Steven would soon enter.'
Pops whizzed through the window. Glass shattered>>the glass has to shatter as the bullets (not pops) come in. The glass would explode first; bullets travel faster than sound.
"We do know Leya's inside." >>>I'd use 'she' here to avoid the name repeat.
Leya's the only female in the scene. Use 'her' when they cut her hands loose.
Ralph, Geoff, if there's anyway (any way)>>anyway, one word, is an adverb as in "I didn't want to go anyway."
He added an editorial,>>suggest cutting as unnecessary.
If you don't know for a fact that crosshairs could be seen, I wouldn't say it. I don't know, but there' sure to be some military guy or hunter to comment if you're wrong.
Leya's body trembled, as did her voice. >>>better to say 'she' trembled
"Matt, I got a clear shot at Carlos, do you want me to take it?" >>>can he just say "I got a clear shot and delete 'at Carlos' which was just used a few lines ago? 'interrupted Bob' is a jarring speech tag. 'Bob asked' would go unnoticed by the reader.
Bullets don't 'pop' and the first thing would be the impact (seen, not heard) with sound following close thereafter. You will sometimes hear small arms fire referred to as popping, but that's when it's heard at a distance, the weapons, not the bullets.
Substitute 'she' stared into his eyes for 'Leya stared'
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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I printed your suggestions and I am off to make the corrections. Thank you for your assistance.
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I printed your suggestions and I am off to make the corrections. Thank you for your assistance.
I am confused on the use of the name and a pronoun. I have been gigged because the reviewer said I needed to use the name. Now I don't know what to do.
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Takes practice. You don't want either one to jump out, so avoid starting paragraphs, especially a lot of paragraphs with character name. Usually, you want the character name in there as rarely as possible. Use it first, then the pronouns that refer back to it, but not necessarily in the first sentence of the paragraph. Both are OK to use; both are equally bad if overused. It takes a balance. I'll try to send you a piece of my stuff that may help you see that balance.
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Another thing I am confuses with, it one reviewer will tell me not to use 'ing' ending word, then another will tell me to use them. I wish there was a rule to tell me what to do.
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"ing" words are a bad habit. We say things like, "Running up behind the woman, he ...." and then the 'ing' thing seems to stick, and pretty soon we're ing-ing all over the place. Again, it's balance, also some agents/editors may from on the ing thing. I just sent you a huge response about character names and pronouns. Let me know after you study the rhythm of the piece. It's about balance, and it's about rhythm, too. Heck, sounds like dancing lessons!
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Thank you for your time. I think I get it down then something happens and I get all confused again.
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"ing" words are a bad habit. We say things like, "Running up behind the woman, he ...." and then the 'ing' thing seems to stick, and pretty soon we're ing-ing all over the place. Again, it's balance, also some agents/editors may from on the ing thing. I just sent you a huge response about character names and pronouns. Let me know after you study the rhythm of the piece. It's about balance, and it's about rhythm, too. Heck, sounds like dancing lessons!
Another thing to remember: All reviewers are not equal. Take a look at the profile of the reviewer if you don't know them. Teacher? Then it's probably right. Published? Probably right. Self-published, not necessarily right (unless it's me. I've studied this stuff enough to teach it, and I am both self-published and have published a magazine article--for money.)
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Study what I sent you. Read it out loud when you can. You'll see that, for the most part, words don't jump out through overuse and there's a certain flow, call it rhythm.
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I can't remember the lady who reviewed me, it was probably a month ago. Ted had reviewed me and told me to lose the 'ing' ending and I did. When she reviewed me she gave me a 3 or 4 and changed my sentences to 'ing'. I told her I had just changed them to make them stronger. She said her editor told her to use them and she would write an article for FS about how you are suppossed to use them. I have not heard from her sense and I haven't seen and article. So I guess she backed down. When I am double checking this during the summer, and I come across her, I will let you know.
Comment from chita
This is an outstanding story filled with action and love. I loved your description of the weapons and the way you wrote every word made the story seem so real as if it were on television. I loved all your characters and especially Leya and Steven--this is a great read for anyone and I also loved the passion that was written between Leya and Steven--a great read.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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This is an outstanding story filled with action and love. I loved your description of the weapons and the way you wrote every word made the story seem so real as if it were on television. I loved all your characters and especially Leya and Steven--this is a great read for anyone and I also loved the passion that was written between Leya and Steven--a great read.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review.
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from amada
I like happy endings. This was is one of the best. I also like good overcoming evil. Your story left me with a fun and great touch of action, suspense, and romance. Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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I like happy endings. This was is one of the best. I also like good overcoming evil. Your story left me with a fun and great touch of action, suspense, and romance. Well done.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from anabelle
LOL! Nice way to end, Barbara. You've tied all the ends together and created a nice romantic ending to boot. Well done.
Great story. Thanks. I enjoyed every bit of it.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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LOL! Nice way to end, Barbara. You've tied all the ends together and created a nice romantic ending to boot. Well done.
Great story. Thanks. I enjoyed every bit of it.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review. Now I know I'm not the only one that reads the ending first. (LOL)
Comment from dportwood
barbara.wilkey,
Well! I wouldn't have wanted to end any other way. Happy endings are always good. Well done.
I did notice this one item you may want to edit:
Glass glass shattered.
(Glass shattered.)
Duane
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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barbara.wilkey,
Well! I wouldn't have wanted to end any other way. Happy endings are always good. Well done.
I did notice this one item you may want to edit:
Glass glass shattered.
(Glass shattered.)
Duane
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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I was doing some editing and I guess I made that sentence worse. Sorry. I am off to fix it. Thank you for noticing.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
I am glad this lovely love story ended the way it did-on a happy note, with the force of good overcoming that of evil. Very entertaining indeed. kudos
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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I am glad this lovely love story ended the way it did-on a happy note, with the force of good overcoming that of evil. Very entertaining indeed. kudos
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bhogg
"I want solve this peacefully." to solve
o.k., I hope you have your next book on the way! You've gotten me hooked on your excellent writing, I try to learn from FS. From you, strong characters, edit your work, short crisp sentences with a balance between prose and dialogue, write, write, write. Thank You!
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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"I want solve this peacefully." to solve
o.k., I hope you have your next book on the way! You've gotten me hooked on your excellent writing, I try to learn from FS. From you, strong characters, edit your work, short crisp sentences with a balance between prose and dialogue, write, write, write. Thank You!
Comment Written 09-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2010
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Thank you for catching that error. I hate it when I read over something as often as I do and miss silly things like that. I have ankle surgery tomorrow. As soon as I am able I will post a short story in two parts then start posting my next novel.
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Good luck on the surgery! I would think that after you might have a good bit of time to sit and write.
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I still haven't figured out how my guys are going to do on their own for a few weeks. I'm not supposed to put any weight on my ankle for awhile. Around here dinner time resembles feeding time at the zoo.
