Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Chapter 15; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
58 total reviews
Comment from Readywriter52
Steven has been hit on the head and Leya is missing. They think Carlos or her brothers kidnapped her. They need to get her back before something bad happens to her. Her kidnapping has up the danger level.
reply by the author on 31-May-2010
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Steven has been hit on the head and Leya is missing. They think Carlos or her brothers kidnapped her. They need to get her back before something bad happens to her. Her kidnapping has up the danger level.
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 31-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Jonez08
Great chapter, barbara. Just when I thought the two lovers were on their way to happily ever after, more drama happens. Nice unexpected turn of events. I can't wait to see what happens next.
but it doesn't surprise me. (She's a piece of work.)
(lol..isn't that the truth)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 31-May-2010
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Great chapter, barbara. Just when I thought the two lovers were on their way to happily ever after, more drama happens. Nice unexpected turn of events. I can't wait to see what happens next.
but it doesn't surprise me. (She's a piece of work.)
(lol..isn't that the truth)
Cassandra
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 31-May-2010
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Thank you for the kind review and continued support.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Continues to be a very good story. Your characters are strong and active and you have kept things intersting until the end. Good job.
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Continues to be a very good story. Your characters are strong and active and you have kept things intersting until the end. Good job.
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from CKLA
The dialogue in this chapter is really good. It has a natural flow to it. The story has built up to this and I'm excited to see where you take it. :)
Collette
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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The dialogue in this chapter is really good. It has a natural flow to it. The story has built up to this and I'm excited to see where you take it. :)
Collette
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another great chapter. Man, that girl gets in more trouble than a boy with a snake in a girl's dormitory. Great job.
and two uncles who are contesting Carlos' claim. If he legally marries Leya, they can't contest the claim." (contesting claim used twice here, I'd suggest changing the second one.)
You said the north side of the river, the south side of the river, west of the pond, and the east side of the river. If the river runs east and west to the pond, there can't be an east side of the pond.
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Another great chapter. Man, that girl gets in more trouble than a boy with a snake in a girl's dormitory. Great job.
and two uncles who are contesting Carlos' claim. If he legally marries Leya, they can't contest the claim." (contesting claim used twice here, I'd suggest changing the second one.)
You said the north side of the river, the south side of the river, west of the pond, and the east side of the river. If the river runs east and west to the pond, there can't be an east side of the pond.
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Thank you for the review. I figured the pond was round. I will recheck that area. The other area, I just took care of.
Comment from Helen Tan
I think you handled the influx of people well and this chapter is bursting with action. As I have not read all the previous chapters, I'm not versed in the various characters who popped up here but I could follow the action. No major SPAG, just a few suggestions on arrangement of sentences. Hope the comments are of some help.
He stood, stretched, and checked Leya
Good, keep him doing a continuous flow of action with few words.
at the corner of the main hall and took a sip of coffee. He blew out air. "Man, that's hot." He turned the corner toward Leya's room
There are 2 "corners" placed close together here. If it's not important where he stands in the hall, suggest you delete the first "corner", just have him standing in the main hall.
He turned the corner toward Leya's room and something hit the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
Suggest you break this into two sentences -
He turned the corner toward Leya's room. Something hit the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
The longer sentence slows the pace, by breaking it, there is a sense of suddenness to the "hitting" action. That's my feeling.
as his fingers touched made contact with the lump
as his fingers' touch made contact with the lump/ as his fingers touched and made contact with the lump
I think you "made contact" sounds awkward here as "contact" has a sense of communication though I know what you mean. I would go with a more direct action - "his fingers touched a lump"
"LEYA!"
This is something I read, if you have exclamation mark, capitalised letters are not required - "Leya!" though I know some writers do this to show intensity. Just thought I would put this in.
We need the security tapes in room 103
should this read as "of' instead of "in"?
Her kidnappers may want to sample the goods, simply because they're horny. Leya already made sure Carlos knows she's not a virgin, so they don't need to be careful with the merchandise
Looks like that revelation was not such a great idea especially in this situation.
Eric and Geoff took four cabins on the south side of the river. Jim and Derek were assigned the four cabins on the west side of a pond. Ralph stayed in the control room to process any new information that came in. Matt and Steven took the three cabins on the east side of the river.
I think this would look neater if you place all the cabin information together and have Ralph in the control room as the closing sentence. I would also try to join the assignments on the river in a single sentence, followed by the assignment on the pond. List the lead characters first in terms of action. -
Steven an Matt took the three cabins on the east side of the river while Eric and Geoff were assigned the four on the south side. Jim and Derek...
Something like this.
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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I think you handled the influx of people well and this chapter is bursting with action. As I have not read all the previous chapters, I'm not versed in the various characters who popped up here but I could follow the action. No major SPAG, just a few suggestions on arrangement of sentences. Hope the comments are of some help.
He stood, stretched, and checked Leya
Good, keep him doing a continuous flow of action with few words.
at the corner of the main hall and took a sip of coffee. He blew out air. "Man, that's hot." He turned the corner toward Leya's room
There are 2 "corners" placed close together here. If it's not important where he stands in the hall, suggest you delete the first "corner", just have him standing in the main hall.
He turned the corner toward Leya's room and something hit the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
Suggest you break this into two sentences -
He turned the corner toward Leya's room. Something hit the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
The longer sentence slows the pace, by breaking it, there is a sense of suddenness to the "hitting" action. That's my feeling.
as his fingers touched made contact with the lump
as his fingers' touch made contact with the lump/ as his fingers touched and made contact with the lump
I think you "made contact" sounds awkward here as "contact" has a sense of communication though I know what you mean. I would go with a more direct action - "his fingers touched a lump"
"LEYA!"
This is something I read, if you have exclamation mark, capitalised letters are not required - "Leya!" though I know some writers do this to show intensity. Just thought I would put this in.
We need the security tapes in room 103
should this read as "of' instead of "in"?
Her kidnappers may want to sample the goods, simply because they're horny. Leya already made sure Carlos knows she's not a virgin, so they don't need to be careful with the merchandise
Looks like that revelation was not such a great idea especially in this situation.
Eric and Geoff took four cabins on the south side of the river. Jim and Derek were assigned the four cabins on the west side of a pond. Ralph stayed in the control room to process any new information that came in. Matt and Steven took the three cabins on the east side of the river.
I think this would look neater if you place all the cabin information together and have Ralph in the control room as the closing sentence. I would also try to join the assignments on the river in a single sentence, followed by the assignment on the pond. List the lead characters first in terms of action. -
Steven an Matt took the three cabins on the east side of the river while Eric and Geoff were assigned the four on the south side. Jim and Derek...
Something like this.
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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I am printing these so I don't forget any of them. Thank you for your assistance. I appreciate it.
Comment from Belinda
Another catastrophe... I do hope Steven and Leya would overcome this too, as they did the former ones. Exciting and interesting chapter, Barbara.
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Another catastrophe... I do hope Steven and Leya would overcome this too, as they did the former ones. Exciting and interesting chapter, Barbara.
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciat your continued support through this.
Comment from missy98writer
Holy crap, that was an awesome chapter Mrs Barbara Wilkey. I was taken on a roller coaster ride of suspense. I can't believe someone to the slip on Steven and his team. I hope Leya is found before she's beaten, raped or killed. Why do I have a feeling Peggy has a hand in her kindnapping. That bitch was bad I knew it. She was in debt up to her eyeballs because she apparently owed the cartel money for her gambling habit. Excellent dialogue, great imagery and amazing suspense. Fabulous descriptive writing, her are some examples:
He added more cream before he continued, "Steven, I know you're close friends with Peggy, but it looks like she's the government agent who's helping the Martinez Cartel. She's in debt to Carlos somewhere around $150,000 in off-shore betting. I have all the details."
Ralph sighed. "You're sort of right. We need to remember Leya's an extremely beautiful woman and is wearing only a hospital gown. Her kidnappers may want to sample the goods, simply because they're horny. Leya already made sure Carlos knows she's not a virgin, so they don't need to be careful with the merchandise."
I definitely look forward to your next chapter to see if Leya is saved from her abductors. Peggy the bitch is involved - I know it. Cool art work you used. Impressive writing my friend. . .Melissa!
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Holy crap, that was an awesome chapter Mrs Barbara Wilkey. I was taken on a roller coaster ride of suspense. I can't believe someone to the slip on Steven and his team. I hope Leya is found before she's beaten, raped or killed. Why do I have a feeling Peggy has a hand in her kindnapping. That bitch was bad I knew it. She was in debt up to her eyeballs because she apparently owed the cartel money for her gambling habit. Excellent dialogue, great imagery and amazing suspense. Fabulous descriptive writing, her are some examples:
He added more cream before he continued, "Steven, I know you're close friends with Peggy, but it looks like she's the government agent who's helping the Martinez Cartel. She's in debt to Carlos somewhere around $150,000 in off-shore betting. I have all the details."
Ralph sighed. "You're sort of right. We need to remember Leya's an extremely beautiful woman and is wearing only a hospital gown. Her kidnappers may want to sample the goods, simply because they're horny. Leya already made sure Carlos knows she's not a virgin, so they don't need to be careful with the merchandise."
I definitely look forward to your next chapter to see if Leya is saved from her abductors. Peggy the bitch is involved - I know it. Cool art work you used. Impressive writing my friend. . .Melissa!
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Thank you for your very kind review and support. You're great.
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No you are an awesome writer my friend. I look forward to your last fourteen pages. Do you have an idea for a new book?
Melissa.
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It's already written. I was going to post it immediately, but I have a short story that I need to get some feed back on, that's about 2500 pages. I will post it then start the other manuscript.
Comment from krdeering
This is the first time I've run across your work, so of course I am handicapped in terms of comprehension. Still, I can tell a well-written chapter when I see one. It occurred to me that the action moves a little more smoothly (hurtling forward a little less than the first part of the chapter) when there's dialogue--not that you can add much of that to the beginning when there's really nobody to converse with.
"made contace with the lump" (should be "contact")
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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This is the first time I've run across your work, so of course I am handicapped in terms of comprehension. Still, I can tell a well-written chapter when I see one. It occurred to me that the action moves a little more smoothly (hurtling forward a little less than the first part of the chapter) when there's dialogue--not that you can add much of that to the beginning when there's really nobody to converse with.
"made contace with the lump" (should be "contact")
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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I can't believe I made that typo. I had to look and see if it was really there. It was. Thank you for catching it. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from gerry26
This is a good story with layer and layer of mystery. Your characters are strong and I enjoy the emotions of the characters. You keep the reader at the edge of their seat.
gerry
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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This is a good story with layer and layer of mystery. Your characters are strong and I enjoy the emotions of the characters. You keep the reader at the edge of their seat.
gerry
Comment Written 30-May-2010
reply by the author on 30-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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All corrections made, Thank you, Gerry