Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "Chapter 14; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
57 total reviews
Comment from Readywriter52
Peggy has finally pushed Steven too far. He had her arrested. Now is the difficult part. He has to convince Leya that he loves her and wants to stay with her.
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
  |
Peggy has finally pushed Steven too far. He had her arrested. Now is the difficult part. He has to convince Leya that he loves her and wants to stay with her.
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bohemiangeek
This chapter had a great drama effect. I feel it tied the bond between Leya and Steven. Plus I agree with Leya on the hospital food, I wouldn't eat either. LOL.
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
|
This chapter had a great drama effect. I feel it tied the bond between Leya and Steven. Plus I agree with Leya on the hospital food, I wouldn't eat either. LOL.
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jaeladarling
You have a good premise here. I can see the idea you're getting at.
I think, however, that both the dialogue and narrative are wooden, almost too scripted. Everything is kind of robotic. Example:
Leya pushed the call button for a nurse. When the nurse entered the room, Leya said, "Get that woman out of my room." She pointed toward Peggy.
This reads like a script. Doing something like this will help it read like a story:
Leya pushed the call button and a harried-looking nurse bustled into the room.
"Get that woman out of my room," Leya demanded, pointing an accusing finger at Peggy.
Do you see how fleshing things out helps the reader envision the story?
Like I said, you have a good premise. It just needs some filling in. You should also rethink some of the dialogue. Go over parts of it out loud or have a friend help you read out loud and see if it sounds realistic or at least believable. At the very least, it should not sound robotic.
I have also found some technical errors for your consideration, listed below. I offer all of this to you in kind. I know I've written a lengthy message! :) I hope that you will keep all of this in mind when you go back over your book. :)
Anyway, here are those technical things:
"I think it clear who he loves and it's not you." (Change "it" to "it's" and add a comma after "loves")
"Steven called Matt, who hadn't left the parking lot and..." (Comma after "lot")
"Steven ran his fingers threw his short hair." (Change "threw" to "through")
"Matt and Steven started slowly toward Leya's room, as Matt grinned." (No comma)
"I think Leya meant you're working things out but I don't..." (Comma after "out")
"She wants, no, needs security." (This should be, "She wants - no, needs - security.")
"...all I can say is that happened early enough in your relationship maybe she'll understand." (This is awkward to read. Try, "...all I can say is that it happened early enough in your relationship that maybe she'll understand.")
He teased, "So don't come back unless you've worked things out." (I'm wondering if this is supposed to be its own paragraph? It looks like someone else talking, but the way you have it looks like the same person continuing the previous dialogue, which doesn't make sense.)
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about drawing straws." (Is this still Steven speaking? If so, it needs to be connected to the previous dialogue rather than having its own paragraph. If you need or want to start a new paragraph when one person is speaking, then don't add quotes to the end, and start the new paragraph with quotes. The final paragraph of the person speaking will end the quote. Like this:
Todd said, "Mary, I think you're great, blah, blah, blah.
"Also, I wondered if you loved me enough to marry you, blah blah blah.
"And this is the end of my speech, so tell me what you're thinking."
Get it? This way the reader won't get confused as to who is speaking and when the next person speaks.)
"When the justice-of-the-peace told me..." (No dashes)
"Her eyes became moist, as she stared at the piece of paper." (No comma)
"She wiped a tear with her finger that rolled down his cheek." (This is awkward, like her finger is rolling down his cheek. Try, "She wiped a tear rolling down his cheek with her finger.")
"I was already scared of marriage and now I'm really scared." (Comma after "marriage")
"I made you not only my wife, but I invited you" (This should say, "I not only made you my wife," and you need to remove the word "but")
"...with the instructions she needed to eat..." (Add "that" after "instructions")
I hope this helps. Best wishes to you on this project!
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
 |
You have a good premise here. I can see the idea you're getting at.
I think, however, that both the dialogue and narrative are wooden, almost too scripted. Everything is kind of robotic. Example:
Leya pushed the call button for a nurse. When the nurse entered the room, Leya said, "Get that woman out of my room." She pointed toward Peggy.
This reads like a script. Doing something like this will help it read like a story:
Leya pushed the call button and a harried-looking nurse bustled into the room.
"Get that woman out of my room," Leya demanded, pointing an accusing finger at Peggy.
Do you see how fleshing things out helps the reader envision the story?
Like I said, you have a good premise. It just needs some filling in. You should also rethink some of the dialogue. Go over parts of it out loud or have a friend help you read out loud and see if it sounds realistic or at least believable. At the very least, it should not sound robotic.
I have also found some technical errors for your consideration, listed below. I offer all of this to you in kind. I know I've written a lengthy message! :) I hope that you will keep all of this in mind when you go back over your book. :)
Anyway, here are those technical things:
"I think it clear who he loves and it's not you." (Change "it" to "it's" and add a comma after "loves")
"Steven called Matt, who hadn't left the parking lot and..." (Comma after "lot")
"Steven ran his fingers threw his short hair." (Change "threw" to "through")
"Matt and Steven started slowly toward Leya's room, as Matt grinned." (No comma)
"I think Leya meant you're working things out but I don't..." (Comma after "out")
"She wants, no, needs security." (This should be, "She wants - no, needs - security.")
"...all I can say is that happened early enough in your relationship maybe she'll understand." (This is awkward to read. Try, "...all I can say is that it happened early enough in your relationship that maybe she'll understand.")
He teased, "So don't come back unless you've worked things out." (I'm wondering if this is supposed to be its own paragraph? It looks like someone else talking, but the way you have it looks like the same person continuing the previous dialogue, which doesn't make sense.)
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about drawing straws." (Is this still Steven speaking? If so, it needs to be connected to the previous dialogue rather than having its own paragraph. If you need or want to start a new paragraph when one person is speaking, then don't add quotes to the end, and start the new paragraph with quotes. The final paragraph of the person speaking will end the quote. Like this:
Todd said, "Mary, I think you're great, blah, blah, blah.
"Also, I wondered if you loved me enough to marry you, blah blah blah.
"And this is the end of my speech, so tell me what you're thinking."
Get it? This way the reader won't get confused as to who is speaking and when the next person speaks.)
"When the justice-of-the-peace told me..." (No dashes)
"Her eyes became moist, as she stared at the piece of paper." (No comma)
"She wiped a tear with her finger that rolled down his cheek." (This is awkward, like her finger is rolling down his cheek. Try, "She wiped a tear rolling down his cheek with her finger.")
"I was already scared of marriage and now I'm really scared." (Comma after "marriage")
"I made you not only my wife, but I invited you" (This should say, "I not only made you my wife," and you need to remove the word "but")
"...with the instructions she needed to eat..." (Add "that" after "instructions")
I hope this helps. Best wishes to you on this project!
Comment Written 16-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
-
I copied many of your suggestions and will make them. I am struggling with some of your early suggestions because it has me using many 'ing'. I am already gigged for using to many of them. I certainly don't want to add more. The same with the commas.
-
Too many "ing"? Are you serious? Perhaps I'll look into this and write an essay. LOL
-
Yes, I have been gigged many times for using too many 'ing' ending. I have been told it weakens the verb and to advoid them at all cost. Matter-of-fact, I have been told by and editor that she wishes writers would avoid using the word 'that'. She feels it's way over used. I think that's a exaggerated, but I try to avoid the word whenever I can.
-
C. Hope Clark, who has a website and blog (fundsforwriters.com) has shared with me an online tool to help find words you may be overusing:
http://www.wordcounter.com/
Thought this might help you with finding and eliminating excess uses of "that" and "ing" words.
-
Thank you for this site. I checked it out. It looks like it will be very helpful.
Comment from Connie P
I can't believe Peggy had the nerve to show up, but it figures. I'm glad Steve and Leya are working on their issues and the more that the truth comes out the better.
Good chapter,
Connie
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
|
I can't believe Peggy had the nerve to show up, but it figures. I'm glad Steve and Leya are working on their issues and the more that the truth comes out the better.
Good chapter,
Connie
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from anabelle
Peggy just doesn't give up, does she? Every time things settle down a bit, she seems to reappear. The woman needs a life. :-0
Thanks for the good read.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
|
Peggy just doesn't give up, does she? Every time things settle down a bit, she seems to reappear. The woman needs a life. :-0
Thanks for the good read.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 16-May-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
-
You're welcome.
Comment from RebelRose
Well, this started off getting my ire up with that Peggy but I like where it went from there. It was so tender and sweet. Looks like they're gonna' make it.
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
|
Well, this started off getting my ire up with that Peggy but I like where it went from there. It was so tender and sweet. Looks like they're gonna' make it.
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
-
I sure hope they make it. I appreciate your review and continued support.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
There are improvements in your writing in this chapter. There are also a lot of things that need your attention. I will prepare a full critique off line and send it privately.
Some of the errors are the same ones you've made before.
I'll try to get back to you tonight.
Ted
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
|
Hi Barbara :)
There are improvements in your writing in this chapter. There are also a lot of things that need your attention. I will prepare a full critique off line and send it privately.
Some of the errors are the same ones you've made before.
I'll try to get back to you tonight.
Ted
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
-
Dang it. I thought I had them cleared up. Thank you for your review.
-
I've just sent the critique.
Ted
Comment from Arkine
Yep, she makes some fine artwork. ;)
I must say they handled that very professionally. I might have gotten out of bed and beat the woman's ass in to the floor. ~L~ Of course, Leya's still weak from not eating so, maybe that wouldn't have been possible, but I'm glad she said what she did. Even if she didn't believe it 100% at least, she seems to be starting to.
Nicely done!
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
|
Yep, she makes some fine artwork. ;)
I must say they handled that very professionally. I might have gotten out of bed and beat the woman's ass in to the floor. ~L~ Of course, Leya's still weak from not eating so, maybe that wouldn't have been possible, but I'm glad she said what she did. Even if she didn't believe it 100% at least, she seems to be starting to.
Nicely done!
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I hope we've finally seen the end of Peggy.
Comment from lola29
I'm so glad Peggy finally got her just rewards--what a biotch. And, I'm so glad Steven and Leya are trying to work through their marriage--I'm in love with Steven.
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
|
I'm so glad Peggy finally got her just rewards--what a biotch. And, I'm so glad Steven and Leya are trying to work through their marriage--I'm in love with Steven.
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
-
My of my fans are in love with Steven. He's a sweetie. I am actually partical to Matt. Thank you for your support and review.
Comment from Helen Tan
PHEW! That's Peggy out of the way - great storm and nice calm after the storm. I hope Leya's not going to run away or get kidnapped while Steven goes out for food...
Peggy barged into Leya's hospital room.
Yes, "barged" - this is the kind of thing I can so imagine Peggy doing. Great choice.
"All the team members drew straws to see who was unlucky enough to have to marry you."
Vicious revelation but so realistic of a jealous woman.
"He walked out on you and spent the night with me. Doesn't that tell you who he really loves?"
"Steven and I grew to love each other. We had a disagreement. After refusing your advances, he kicked you to the curb. He came after me, doesn't that tell you anything?" She reached out and touched his hand. "We're working things out."
Leya's lines - make them feed off that vicious energy of Peggy's lines, make them snappier.
"You think Steven loves you? You poor fool. He rejected your advances. Kicked you to the curb. Steven came after me. He's here with me. Sure, we had a disagreement but we're working things out. You know who he loves ... and it's not you."
This is a poor rewrite but just a rough idea of what I'm trying to say.
As Matt explained to Joe what he wanted done with Peggy, the three men and Peggy walked down the hall
I think the "as" should be reshuffled, I could be wrong.
Matt explained to Joe what he wanted done with Peggy as the three men and Peggy walked down the hall. OR
As he three men and Peggy walked down the hall, Matt explained to Joe what he wanted done with Peggy.
"I didn't lose. I won because it gave me an opportunity to get to know you."
Aaaah - that will win her back for sure.
You try it first. If you think it's eatable, I'll eat it.
...if you think it's edible...
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
|
PHEW! That's Peggy out of the way - great storm and nice calm after the storm. I hope Leya's not going to run away or get kidnapped while Steven goes out for food...
Peggy barged into Leya's hospital room.
Yes, "barged" - this is the kind of thing I can so imagine Peggy doing. Great choice.
"All the team members drew straws to see who was unlucky enough to have to marry you."
Vicious revelation but so realistic of a jealous woman.
"He walked out on you and spent the night with me. Doesn't that tell you who he really loves?"
"Steven and I grew to love each other. We had a disagreement. After refusing your advances, he kicked you to the curb. He came after me, doesn't that tell you anything?" She reached out and touched his hand. "We're working things out."
Leya's lines - make them feed off that vicious energy of Peggy's lines, make them snappier.
"You think Steven loves you? You poor fool. He rejected your advances. Kicked you to the curb. Steven came after me. He's here with me. Sure, we had a disagreement but we're working things out. You know who he loves ... and it's not you."
This is a poor rewrite but just a rough idea of what I'm trying to say.
As Matt explained to Joe what he wanted done with Peggy, the three men and Peggy walked down the hall
I think the "as" should be reshuffled, I could be wrong.
Matt explained to Joe what he wanted done with Peggy as the three men and Peggy walked down the hall. OR
As he three men and Peggy walked down the hall, Matt explained to Joe what he wanted done with Peggy.
"I didn't lose. I won because it gave me an opportunity to get to know you."
Aaaah - that will win her back for sure.
You try it first. If you think it's eatable, I'll eat it.
...if you think it's edible...
Comment Written 15-May-2010
reply by the author on 15-May-2010
-
I am off to relook things. Thank you for your help. I appreciate your support.