Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Chapter 12; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
76 total reviews
Comment from maggieJo
Yes, Once trust is broken it continually tries to come back to destroy the bond.
It can do just that or it can strengthen the bond. Time sometimes helps but even that might be a convincing fact that gives strength to distrust. We will see what happens between Steven and Leya.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
  |
Yes, Once trust is broken it continually tries to come back to destroy the bond.
It can do just that or it can strengthen the bond. Time sometimes helps but even that might be a convincing fact that gives strength to distrust. We will see what happens between Steven and Leya.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from laurelp
Another twist and turn. Very well done. Nicely written, I found no errors. Your dialogue seems to be written very well. Very nice read.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
Another twist and turn. Very well done. Nicely written, I found no errors. Your dialogue seems to be written very well. Very nice read.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thank you fo your kind words.
Comment from bookishfabler
I'm really getting int this book. Gosh, and I never was into these gushy romance things. FanStory even got me reading westerns. Can you imagine that?
This is just in my opinion, but I don't think you need the thought thingy. It works without it well.
She's not capable of doing anything that bad. She must be exaggerating.
What does this have to do with Steven leaving? If she's anything like Dani, she'll eventually get to the point. I need to let her talk.
great job
hugs
book
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
I'm really getting int this book. Gosh, and I never was into these gushy romance things. FanStory even got me reading westerns. Can you imagine that?
This is just in my opinion, but I don't think you need the thought thingy. It works without it well.
She's not capable of doing anything that bad. She must be exaggerating.
What does this have to do with Steven leaving? If she's anything like Dani, she'll eventually get to the point. I need to let her talk.
great job
hugs
book
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your review and I will rethink the thoughts. The reason it's there, is because a certain reviewer, who read my work regularly, always gives me a 4, because she says I need to have more thought so we know their thoughts.
-
crap! it is good sometimes, but if your characters are established, which yours are, and you describe tings like body language, they come to life. Yes, thought are good, but in moderation. Does, this four star person give you any other reason? I have a friend here, who mostly gives me fours for my chapters and stories, however, she edits the crap out of it. When she gives me a five, which is if she hit me late in the game and I edited to death. I feel satified. You know what I'm saying?
I may be wrng with the thought thing. to each his own, and it is still good, either way. Everyone writes in their own voice. I love you story. But, think about who your characters are. They will speak for themselves and shine. HEll, I had t go back and change something one character said about her ex-husband, because when he arrived on the scene, he wasn't abusive and he took over the stage. These creatures we invent do that sometimes. Don't let stars bug you. Maybe she or he just wanted you to bring out the characters more. anyway, great job. I always go on too long when I've had a glass of wine.
lots of hugs
Heidi
-
I understand. This person's style it totally different than mind and I am wondering if she thinks everyone should write in her style.
Comment from SamanthaD.
I always enjoy reading your posts about Steven and Leya and I wasn't disappointed this time, either! Excellent writing. This was a pleasure to read and review.
Love, Samantha
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
I always enjoy reading your posts about Steven and Leya and I wasn't disappointed this time, either! Excellent writing. This was a pleasure to read and review.
Love, Samantha
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Amanda Dcosta
This is good writing here, with romance and heartbreaks....
I am not sure if my comments mean anything. I admit I have not read the other chapters. But I do believe you could do with some edits on the grammar part of the writing. I think it needs a bit of editing or rewriting as I had to pause a couple of times to read it with flow. Too many breaks calls for edits, which I think you need. Punctuation is in the wrong places.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
 |
This is good writing here, with romance and heartbreaks....
I am not sure if my comments mean anything. I admit I have not read the other chapters. But I do believe you could do with some edits on the grammar part of the writing. I think it needs a bit of editing or rewriting as I had to pause a couple of times to read it with flow. Too many breaks calls for edits, which I think you need. Punctuation is in the wrong places.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
I am shocked about your comments about the grammar and the puncutation. Please read my other reviews. Those are some of my strong areas. I will recheck to make sure. Thank you for your review.
-
Ok.. maybe I came out too strong on you with that review, and am sorry for that, but I suggest you be open to reviews if you want us to tell you what we think about your work - and I mean 'honestly'.
Here are a few lines from your work that made me think that way.
"He did, that's why he initially married you."
It should read ... "He did. That's why he married you in the first place." and not 'initially married you'. It loses character when words are jumbled just to fit in.
Again there is a line that says..
"I know, and with time Steven will know it too. But I can understand why Steven's hurt and angry." In this case, replace the name Steven the second time with 'he's '. Use the pronoun.
-
Well, now that you actually gave me suggestions that I can work with, I will do what I can to make the corrections, but just telling me my grammar and punctuation is lousy doesn't help at all. I am open to suggestions, like I said, please read my reviews and you will see that I do follow peoples suggestions and welcome them.
Comment from CKLA
Barbara,
I am enjoying all the twists and turns this story takes. Hopefly they will sort it out soon. Another so derful chapter.
Collette
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
Barbara,
I am enjoying all the twists and turns this story takes. Hopefly they will sort it out soon. Another so derful chapter.
Collette
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from JeffreyStone
Jumping in the middle of your story makes evaluating it a little tough. Thanks to your notes, the reader can get the picture. You have an interesting story with lots of good elements, including romance, betrayal and intrigue. I find some of the conversation a little unnatural. I think more use of pronouns will help. Here are a couple of things I noticed as examples:
He did, that's why he initially married you." (I don't know what this means. Perhaps, "That was his initial reason for marrying you." would be better)
"I know, and with time Steven will know it too. But I can understand why Steven's hurt and angry." (How about, ""But I can understand why he was hurt and angry."?)
"I knew he'd risk his career for me(,) but still used him.(Comma)
JeffreyStone
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
Jumping in the middle of your story makes evaluating it a little tough. Thanks to your notes, the reader can get the picture. You have an interesting story with lots of good elements, including romance, betrayal and intrigue. I find some of the conversation a little unnatural. I think more use of pronouns will help. Here are a couple of things I noticed as examples:
He did, that's why he initially married you." (I don't know what this means. Perhaps, "That was his initial reason for marrying you." would be better)
"I know, and with time Steven will know it too. But I can understand why Steven's hurt and angry." (How about, ""But I can understand why he was hurt and angry."?)
"I knew he'd risk his career for me(,) but still used him.(Comma)
JeffreyStone
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
I will look at the the sentences in question. The last suggest doesn't need a comma because I is the subject before and after but. Thank you for your review.
Comment from rama devi
Good chapter. I think it is effective having her talk of the situation to Matt---and voicing her true feelings. Dialog sounds true to life and the flow is fine as well. No spags or typos nits. the only advice for improving I can think of is to add a little bit more descriptive narrative (just a little would suffice)
Men act stupid when it comes to the woman they love
Ain't it the truth?
LOL
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
Good chapter. I think it is effective having her talk of the situation to Matt---and voicing her true feelings. Dialog sounds true to life and the flow is fine as well. No spags or typos nits. the only advice for improving I can think of is to add a little bit more descriptive narrative (just a little would suffice)
Men act stupid when it comes to the woman they love
Ain't it the truth?
LOL
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from jayhawk67
Yeah, Steve should feel a little used but the whole marriage thing was a pretext and he should have anticipated some complications. But documenting a deflowering and sending copies of the verification to family is a bit off the wall.
Hope he doesn't let his guard down during R&R.
Good chapter.
jayhawk67
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
Yeah, Steve should feel a little used but the whole marriage thing was a pretext and he should have anticipated some complications. But documenting a deflowering and sending copies of the verification to family is a bit off the wall.
Hope he doesn't let his guard down during R&R.
Good chapter.
jayhawk67
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
He does let his guard down. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
hi barb. good of matt to step in and try to clear up things. see some suggestions:
[He] hesitated before he added, "If you need to talk, - i think it'll be clearer in you put 'Matt' here.
She motioned with her hand, [Steven throwing them on the floor]. "He was so angry he threw them on the floor as he left." - the same act is repeated in the dialogue. try:
She motioned with her hand on how Steven had reacted.
He nodded, [as] she continued, - and
She took a deep breath, [before she added], - you repeated this phrase a few times. try to vary. maybe just do without them, or - She paused to take a deep breath.
hope those help.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
|
hi barb. good of matt to step in and try to clear up things. see some suggestions:
[He] hesitated before he added, "If you need to talk, - i think it'll be clearer in you put 'Matt' here.
She motioned with her hand, [Steven throwing them on the floor]. "He was so angry he threw them on the floor as he left." - the same act is repeated in the dialogue. try:
She motioned with her hand on how Steven had reacted.
He nodded, [as] she continued, - and
She took a deep breath, [before she added], - you repeated this phrase a few times. try to vary. maybe just do without them, or - She paused to take a deep breath.
hope those help.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2010
-
Thak you for your suggestions.