Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Chapter 8; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
58 total reviews
Comment from empire76
Barbara, as usual the content of your chapter is very interesting. There are few things more sexy than seeing the person you are attracted to naked and not being able to do something about it (I think). LOL. That was great. It's also really good that you put them in the situation where they have to be physically close. This being a romance, you always want those moments.
The main thing I find that you need to work on are some technical issues. There are a couple of places where we don't see the progression of the scene or characters' movements. You create an image in the reader's mind, and then a couple of sentences down you mention something that shows something has changed. I have a couple of examples below in case I've managed to confuse you and myself
Ok so here goes:
- "Let's get it over (with)."
- How can one person have so much underwear?
Is he asking her or thinking it? You need quotes or italics depending on which one it is
- Leya is a paradox. She acts innocent, yet dresses seductively. I never know how she's going to react.
This doesn't need to be an active thought. Your call, of course, but if you can use normal narrative for something, try to use it. That way when you use active thought, it achieves a greater impact.
- As he sat on the bed, he wondered how much longer she was going to be in there.
There is no indication that she's been in there for a long time. You need to give the reader some pointer. From the way it is now, it just looks as if only a minute has passed. Show us how long he's been waiting, because it really doesn't take more than a couple of minutes to make a bed, which is the only thing he did between leaving her in the bathroom and sitting down to wonder.
How about something like: Twenty minutes later, Leya was still in the bathroom. As Steven sat on the bed, he wondered how much longer...)
- "Ralph, lie beside her and hold her until she warms up. I'm calling the doctor and Matt." He left the room.
Ok, this is odd. They've already covered her with blankets so the assumption is that she will be warm. I really have trouble seeing Steven asking Ralph to lay beside her and hold her.
- You fainted because you haven't held any food down for a few days, (you) are weak, and ...
You need that you there or the sentence reads very odd. What you might want to do is use a semi-colon instead of a comma: ...for a few days; you are weak and...
- He yelled his next sentence.
I'd like to suggest something a little less telling, like: His voice rose sharply with his next sentence.
- He slammed the bedroom door, then opened the door and yelled,
Two things: First, when did he get out of the bed? You haven't told us that he did and suddenly he's slamming doors. This can confuse the reader; at the very least, it is likely to take the reader out of the story for a moment. If the reader is going to get distracted it shouldn't come from you
Secondly, try to find a way of re-wording this to get rid of one 'door'. E.g: He slammed the bedroom door, then opened it again and yelled,
- "Don't leave. Tell me what to do."
This sounds really odd to me. Steven sounds too weak here. And I doubt that a man would put it that way unless to a close pal. I thought Steven was their superior. There are several things you could do. Either show some frustration (emotion) that would justify this dialogue and make it seem less whimpy or alter the dialogue slightly to make it more manly. (like what am I going to do with this woman)
- interrupted Ralph as he patted Steven on the back and then left him to his thoughts
When did Ralph move from the door. This is another moment where you risk taking the reader out of the story, because s/he's wondering when he moved.
My two cents....
Empi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Barbara, as usual the content of your chapter is very interesting. There are few things more sexy than seeing the person you are attracted to naked and not being able to do something about it (I think). LOL. That was great. It's also really good that you put them in the situation where they have to be physically close. This being a romance, you always want those moments.
The main thing I find that you need to work on are some technical issues. There are a couple of places where we don't see the progression of the scene or characters' movements. You create an image in the reader's mind, and then a couple of sentences down you mention something that shows something has changed. I have a couple of examples below in case I've managed to confuse you and myself
Ok so here goes:
- "Let's get it over (with)."
- How can one person have so much underwear?
Is he asking her or thinking it? You need quotes or italics depending on which one it is
- Leya is a paradox. She acts innocent, yet dresses seductively. I never know how she's going to react.
This doesn't need to be an active thought. Your call, of course, but if you can use normal narrative for something, try to use it. That way when you use active thought, it achieves a greater impact.
- As he sat on the bed, he wondered how much longer she was going to be in there.
There is no indication that she's been in there for a long time. You need to give the reader some pointer. From the way it is now, it just looks as if only a minute has passed. Show us how long he's been waiting, because it really doesn't take more than a couple of minutes to make a bed, which is the only thing he did between leaving her in the bathroom and sitting down to wonder.
How about something like: Twenty minutes later, Leya was still in the bathroom. As Steven sat on the bed, he wondered how much longer...)
- "Ralph, lie beside her and hold her until she warms up. I'm calling the doctor and Matt." He left the room.
Ok, this is odd. They've already covered her with blankets so the assumption is that she will be warm. I really have trouble seeing Steven asking Ralph to lay beside her and hold her.
- You fainted because you haven't held any food down for a few days, (you) are weak, and ...
You need that you there or the sentence reads very odd. What you might want to do is use a semi-colon instead of a comma: ...for a few days; you are weak and...
- He yelled his next sentence.
I'd like to suggest something a little less telling, like: His voice rose sharply with his next sentence.
- He slammed the bedroom door, then opened the door and yelled,
Two things: First, when did he get out of the bed? You haven't told us that he did and suddenly he's slamming doors. This can confuse the reader; at the very least, it is likely to take the reader out of the story for a moment. If the reader is going to get distracted it shouldn't come from you
Secondly, try to find a way of re-wording this to get rid of one 'door'. E.g: He slammed the bedroom door, then opened it again and yelled,
- "Don't leave. Tell me what to do."
This sounds really odd to me. Steven sounds too weak here. And I doubt that a man would put it that way unless to a close pal. I thought Steven was their superior. There are several things you could do. Either show some frustration (emotion) that would justify this dialogue and make it seem less whimpy or alter the dialogue slightly to make it more manly. (like what am I going to do with this woman)
- interrupted Ralph as he patted Steven on the back and then left him to his thoughts
When did Ralph move from the door. This is another moment where you risk taking the reader out of the story, because s/he's wondering when he moved.
My two cents....
Empi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate it.
Comment from jadapenn
Doesn't Steven understand girls like to be clean even when they are as sick as a dog. Now he's seen her in the nude and is having a fit. Good!
I liked the chapter. Nice and sensual. luv jada
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Doesn't Steven understand girls like to be clean even when they are as sick as a dog. Now he's seen her in the nude and is having a fit. Good!
I liked the chapter. Nice and sensual. luv jada
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Steven has much to learn when it comes to females. Thank you for your review. Hey, you didn't answer my question about he the gentleman in the background. Amazing those gremlins stopped you? (LOL)
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The gentleman in the background? Oh, probably some hunk at a party. lol.
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I doubt that.
Comment from misscookie
I like thisstory because it's sur-real
this happens in som many peoples life and some never knew what happen when, what or why?
this iks a good write.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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I like thisstory because it's sur-real
this happens in som many peoples life and some never knew what happen when, what or why?
this iks a good write.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. One person just reviewed it and said it too unrealistic.
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Hey you can't please everyone. I write to please myself.
Comment from Begin Again
Are you sure you're strong enough? I'm positive you want my help."
Barbara
Fantastic buildup of Steven's frustrations with Leya...His emotions are in a whirlwind..Great advice from Ralph.
I wasn't sure those two lines were what yo really meant to say....
Nice job!
Carol
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Are you sure you're strong enough? I'm positive you want my help."
Barbara
Fantastic buildup of Steven's frustrations with Leya...His emotions are in a whirlwind..Great advice from Ralph.
I wasn't sure those two lines were what yo really meant to say....
Nice job!
Carol
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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I have already corrected that line. Thank you for your review.
Comment from ladybird
A very good chapter. Yes, Leya is headstrong, perhaps that's what Steven likes in her.They both seem to have feelings for each other,I wish they'd stop pussyfooting around, and just get it together.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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A very good chapter. Yes, Leya is headstrong, perhaps that's what Steven likes in her.They both seem to have feelings for each other,I wish they'd stop pussyfooting around, and just get it together.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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It will take time for them to get together, but I hope your patience will be rewarded. Thank you for the review.
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I'm sure I will be.This is very interesting.
Comment from L.lora
Wonderful, exellerating, exciting
phenomenal, most enjoyable. You've
deftly shown the true nature of
fresh love especially when those
involved are trying to deny its
existance. The narrative are very
good and descriptive while your
dialogues are great and bring this
addition to life; alls in three D.
I especially like the line Ralph gives
Steven about a "real man"... very wise
and very true. Bravo, no nits or spags.
Lora
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
|
Wonderful, exellerating, exciting
phenomenal, most enjoyable. You've
deftly shown the true nature of
fresh love especially when those
involved are trying to deny its
existance. The narrative are very
good and descriptive while your
dialogues are great and bring this
addition to life; alls in three D.
I especially like the line Ralph gives
Steven about a "real man"... very wise
and very true. Bravo, no nits or spags.
Lora
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review and continued support. I value it.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is quite engaging. What an eventful bath this young lady had. I like the way you are teasing us with tiny tips of this strange love affair between Steve and Leya. kudos
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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This is quite engaging. What an eventful bath this young lady had. I like the way you are teasing us with tiny tips of this strange love affair between Steve and Leya. kudos
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for the review. Sometimes, I think less is better.
Comment from Alaskastory
Chapter 31 has good dialogue that gives us clues to the characters. The story is progressing well.
Very nicely written.
I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Chapter 31 has good dialogue that gives us clues to the characters. The story is progressing well.
Very nicely written.
I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Katiesherrill
I like this chapter. Nothing sexual, though that's not bad, but we are seeing a very vulnerable side to Steven. He is emotional and really cares for Laya. We are seeing more depth to him. Good job.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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I like this chapter. Nothing sexual, though that's not bad, but we are seeing a very vulnerable side to Steven. He is emotional and really cares for Laya. We are seeing more depth to him. Good job.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Heidixoxo
Way to go Barbara!! This is an excellent story in which I fully enjoyed reading. Your characters are fantastic and well created. Best of luck to you as always....xoxo
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Way to go Barbara!! This is an excellent story in which I fully enjoyed reading. Your characters are fantastic and well created. Best of luck to you as always....xoxo
Comment Written 29-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your support.
