Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Chapter 6; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
45 total reviews
Comment from Katiesherrill
Another great chapter. I like how you are digging deeper into the characters and how they are communicating. It seems very real that they would communicate so well after a huge struggle. That is reality. I know my husband and I talk much better after a big fight.
One thing that was not as believable for me was how willing Leya is to share vulneralble (sp) feelings with a guy who just made her feel violated. I believe that she feels violated, but from experience, telling the truth just exposes you further and the victim would not immediately share her emotions like that. The part of the conversation I had trouble with was,
""I feel violated," she whispered.
"Violated?" Her choice of words surprised him. Her English is perfect. Maybe she doesn't have an accurate understanding of 'violated'. I definitely didn't violate her. "What do you mean? I don't understand."
She swallowed. "I know I dress provocatively but I'm in control of how much skin I expose. I told you that I'm a virgin, well, you're the first man to see my nip ..., all of my breasts, and I had no control over it."
A victim will usually shut down, to feel in control. Just a thought. But I like where you are going with the story.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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Another great chapter. I like how you are digging deeper into the characters and how they are communicating. It seems very real that they would communicate so well after a huge struggle. That is reality. I know my husband and I talk much better after a big fight.
One thing that was not as believable for me was how willing Leya is to share vulneralble (sp) feelings with a guy who just made her feel violated. I believe that she feels violated, but from experience, telling the truth just exposes you further and the victim would not immediately share her emotions like that. The part of the conversation I had trouble with was,
""I feel violated," she whispered.
"Violated?" Her choice of words surprised him. Her English is perfect. Maybe she doesn't have an accurate understanding of 'violated'. I definitely didn't violate her. "What do you mean? I don't understand."
She swallowed. "I know I dress provocatively but I'm in control of how much skin I expose. I told you that I'm a virgin, well, you're the first man to see my nip ..., all of my breasts, and I had no control over it."
A victim will usually shut down, to feel in control. Just a thought. But I like where you are going with the story.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009
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I will rethink that part. Good point. Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Readywriter52
It looks like Peggy's attempt to cause trouble between Leya and Steven didn't work. They managed to work out their misunderstandings. He doesn't believe she is helping her family.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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It looks like Peggy's attempt to cause trouble between Leya and Steven didn't work. They managed to work out their misunderstandings. He doesn't believe she is helping her family.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Peggy is still in the background. Don't forget her, she is force to be reckoned with. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Jordan Rose
Hi Barbara. I like this story, but I think that you might be giving away too much, meaning that you're explaining the interactions in a step by step manner. It's almost like there's too much dialogue or maybe it's too much internal dialogue. For example: "He took two steps back as he rubbed his cheek. First, she teases, then slaps me. "What did you do that for?"- I don't think you need the internal dialogue. The reader can jump to that conclusion as they follow the story. They know that there has been an attraction between the two characters and that she has tried to seduce him. They can go along, surprised by her response, just as he is, without hearing him explain it. I think it will be more interesting without the explanation.
A couple other things I noticed are: "A strand of black hair that curled under her right breast."- remove 'that'
"You tried to seduce me with your eyes the first time our eyes met at the hospital." - I think you can remove 'our eyes' and replace with 'we'
You've used this phrase: 'drug lord princess' a number of times. I don't think you need it. If readers are following your story they know her history and therefore you only need to refer to this occasionally and not repeatedly.
Thanks for sharing this story. Jordan
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reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Hi Barbara. I like this story, but I think that you might be giving away too much, meaning that you're explaining the interactions in a step by step manner. It's almost like there's too much dialogue or maybe it's too much internal dialogue. For example: "He took two steps back as he rubbed his cheek. First, she teases, then slaps me. "What did you do that for?"- I don't think you need the internal dialogue. The reader can jump to that conclusion as they follow the story. They know that there has been an attraction between the two characters and that she has tried to seduce him. They can go along, surprised by her response, just as he is, without hearing him explain it. I think it will be more interesting without the explanation.
A couple other things I noticed are: "A strand of black hair that curled under her right breast."- remove 'that'
"You tried to seduce me with your eyes the first time our eyes met at the hospital." - I think you can remove 'our eyes' and replace with 'we'
You've used this phrase: 'drug lord princess' a number of times. I don't think you need it. If readers are following your story they know her history and therefore you only need to refer to this occasionally and not repeatedly.
Thanks for sharing this story. Jordan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from mshugh
Not that poor man is one confused puppy - he doesn't know if he's going or coming - and I am taking the male perspective (laugh)
Poor man is going to have a rough time - he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't
Well done
Michael
Now some suggestions:
As her eyes widened and glared at him, her cheeks turned red - how do you widen your eyes and glare at the same time - I always thought the eyes narrowed - but I could be wrong
She was silent as she retied her top - she stopped her reply as she
I am tring to think of the halter tops I know - there are always two straps - how do you grab them with one hand? - This is more a question that a suggestion.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Not that poor man is one confused puppy - he doesn't know if he's going or coming - and I am taking the male perspective (laugh)
Poor man is going to have a rough time - he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't
Well done
Michael
Now some suggestions:
As her eyes widened and glared at him, her cheeks turned red - how do you widen your eyes and glare at the same time - I always thought the eyes narrowed - but I could be wrong
She was silent as she retied her top - she stopped her reply as she
I am tring to think of the halter tops I know - there are always two straps - how do you grab them with one hand? - This is more a question that a suggestion.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Both straps in one hand held out in front or at least that is how I see it. I will take a second look. I always enjoy hearing from you. I will correct the eyes. I see what you are saying and will fix the retied top.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another great chapter in the story. I wonder what Leya's really thinking at this point and time. I thought you did a great job.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Another great chapter in the story. I wonder what Leya's really thinking at this point and time. I thought you did a great job.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your reveiw and continued support.
Comment from Southerner
I like your story. There are a couple of little things that I think might improve it. Leya could use a little more Characterization and there is sometimes doubt about who the dialogue belongs to. Adding small things can do wonders.
Merry Christmas to you and yours! Wayne
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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I like your story. There are a couple of little things that I think might improve it. Leya could use a little more Characterization and there is sometimes doubt about who the dialogue belongs to. Adding small things can do wonders.
Merry Christmas to you and yours! Wayne
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Thank you. I will recheck your suggestions. In previous posts Leya has a lot of of characterization, but I also want to keep an air of mystery about her. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Belinda
Wow... I was awed, curious, and afraid of what might happen to Steven and Leya. Leya does seem to flirt and give a double message to the guy, so... Anyway, interesting chapter.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Wow... I was awed, curious, and afraid of what might happen to Steven and Leya. Leya does seem to flirt and give a double message to the guy, so... Anyway, interesting chapter.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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She sure does. I appreciate your review.
Comment from Judith Ann
Wow, things are really heating up now. The relationship between Steven and Leya is getting more and more complicated. Is the plot thickening, getting ready for more action. I keep coming back just waiting for what will take place next. You keep the suspense up nicely, but I am ready to read more. LOL - Judy
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Wow, things are really heating up now. The relationship between Steven and Leya is getting more and more complicated. Is the plot thickening, getting ready for more action. I keep coming back just waiting for what will take place next. You keep the suspense up nicely, but I am ready to read more. LOL - Judy
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate you continued support.
Comment from c_lucas
You did a great job of clearing the air between Leya and Steven. In doing so, you enhanced the characters of both. Very well written.
Thank you for your conintued (continued) support.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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You did a great job of clearing the air between Leya and Steven. In doing so, you enhanced the characters of both. Very well written.
Thank you for your conintued (continued) support.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Thank you for catching my typo. You are the only one to notice. Thank you for your review and conitinued support.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from Writeaway...
Aw, your chapter left me wondering what's going to happen next barbara.wilkey, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, excellent job, Happy holidays!!
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Aw, your chapter left me wondering what's going to happen next barbara.wilkey, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning, excellent job, Happy holidays!!
Comment Written 19-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate the kind words. Merry Christmas.
