Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Chapter 5; Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
45 total reviews
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
I do tend to believe Leya on this particular matter, but even she admits she can be maniuplative. We'll see what happens when they search her room. At least, Steve is thinking with his head again. Peggy isn't.
I enjoyed this read and have several suggestions:
In your background section: "Steven married, (this comma should come out) Leya Vegas, the granddaughter of a large drug cartel [cartel's leader], to protect her from an arranged married [marriage]."
"She chewed on her lower lip, {before she said}," Someone who is chewing on her lip cannot speak. I think the three words in braces are not necessary.
"I didn't open the file, let alone read them." The last word, "them" doesn't agree with file. You could say either "it" or "what was in it."
Dave
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Barbara,
I do tend to believe Leya on this particular matter, but even she admits she can be maniuplative. We'll see what happens when they search her room. At least, Steve is thinking with his head again. Peggy isn't.
I enjoyed this read and have several suggestions:
In your background section: "Steven married, (this comma should come out) Leya Vegas, the granddaughter of a large drug cartel [cartel's leader], to protect her from an arranged married [marriage]."
"She chewed on her lower lip, {before she said}," Someone who is chewing on her lip cannot speak. I think the three words in braces are not necessary.
"I didn't open the file, let alone read them." The last word, "them" doesn't agree with file. You could say either "it" or "what was in it."
Dave
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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I always mess up in the background area. I may simply start cutting and pasting. Thank you for catching these errors. I appreciate it and your continued support.
Comment from Readywriter52
I think Peggy is out to get Leya. She sounds like an angry bitter woman. So far Leya has done nothing to make Steven suspicious of her.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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I think Peggy is out to get Leya. She sounds like an angry bitter woman. So far Leya has done nothing to make Steven suspicious of her.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and continued support.
Comment from adewpearl
That Peggy is a real slime ball. I feel so bad for Leya. I realize Steven has a sensitive position and has to double check all leads, but I'm still not mighty happy with him and hope he has to at least grovel a little to make Leya forgive his baseless suspicions. I love kittens. She loves kittens. That makes her one of the good guys, by golly!!! :-D Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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That Peggy is a real slime ball. I feel so bad for Leya. I realize Steven has a sensitive position and has to double check all leads, but I'm still not mighty happy with him and hope he has to at least grovel a little to make Leya forgive his baseless suspicions. I love kittens. She loves kittens. That makes her one of the good guys, by golly!!! :-D Brooke
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Kittens are good. The kitten stays in the story. Thank you for your review and support.
Comment from Judith Ann
Wow, how do you do it? I want to start a book and can't get off dead center. Here you are posting chapter after chapter and your plot consistently keeps me on the edge of my seat. I am afraid that I am not skilled enough to critique your work, as I can see nothing to change. I learn though, from reading your work. Some of the most help I have received has been from people who were able to spot my weaknesses and address them. You do wonderful editing before you post your work. Well done again. --Judy
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Wow, how do you do it? I want to start a book and can't get off dead center. Here you are posting chapter after chapter and your plot consistently keeps me on the edge of my seat. I am afraid that I am not skilled enough to critique your work, as I can see nothing to change. I learn though, from reading your work. Some of the most help I have received has been from people who were able to spot my weaknesses and address them. You do wonderful editing before you post your work. Well done again. --Judy
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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This book as been completed for about three years. I have edited continuously since. I am amazed at the people who can write something and post it the same day. I cannot. I make so many errors. Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from missy98writer
Barbara, yet again you've written an excellent and well crafted chapter. I was riveted. I think Peggy may be the mole not Leya.
I think Peggy may have planted a phone in Leya's room and that's why she wants Steven to search Leya's room. The broad is jealous that Leya and Steven are married.
One error the " is off in the sentence:
"Yes, he confirmed what you said." He ran his fingers through his short auburn hair. "I don't want to believe you're giving your family information, but there doesn't seem to be any other answer.
(").
Melissa.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Barbara, yet again you've written an excellent and well crafted chapter. I was riveted. I think Peggy may be the mole not Leya.
I think Peggy may have planted a phone in Leya's room and that's why she wants Steven to search Leya's room. The broad is jealous that Leya and Steven are married.
One error the " is off in the sentence:
"Yes, he confirmed what you said." He ran his fingers through his short auburn hair. "I don't want to believe you're giving your family information, but there doesn't seem to be any other answer.
(").
Melissa.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Thank you for pointing it out. I am off to correct it. Thank you for the review and the kind words.
Comment from Nicnac
I just don't believe Leya is guilty.
What I do believe is that Peggy is a little *&$#@^$!
Ugh. I can't stand the wench. LOL
There is nothing less attractive than a jealous and manipulative woman.
I'm kind of disappointed that Steven isn't aware of (or at least suspicious of) Peggy's underhanded trickery.
I was mad at him when he yelled at Leya to go to her room. I'd have given him a piece of my mind! (And maybe more... LOL)
An interesting chapter, Barbara. I enjoyed it.
Nic
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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I just don't believe Leya is guilty.
What I do believe is that Peggy is a little *&$#@^$!
Ugh. I can't stand the wench. LOL
There is nothing less attractive than a jealous and manipulative woman.
I'm kind of disappointed that Steven isn't aware of (or at least suspicious of) Peggy's underhanded trickery.
I was mad at him when he yelled at Leya to go to her room. I'd have given him a piece of my mind! (And maybe more... LOL)
An interesting chapter, Barbara. I enjoyed it.
Nic
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Well, please speak you mind!!! I don't want you to keep things all bottled up, that isn't good for your health. I think Steven may soon realize what Peggy is, at least I hope so. I can rest easy I have heard from you. Thank you for your review and continued support.
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I'll give him a 'what-for' he won't soon forget. Sounds a little naughty - and fun. haha
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara
I think Peggy is the mole...She sure causes a lot of trouble...She wants Steven and she has to get rid of Leya to do it. If she's not the mole ..she sure is a trouble maker.
Great chapter...The story is coming along great...
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Barbara
I think Peggy is the mole...She sure causes a lot of trouble...She wants Steven and she has to get rid of Leya to do it. If she's not the mole ..she sure is a trouble maker.
Great chapter...The story is coming along great...
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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You are doing a lot of thinking here. I won't tell my secretes, not even to you....this time....thank you for your review and continued support.
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Maybe I am a little close...
Comment from MissMerri
There is much to like about this story. I like the way you handle dialogue and the way you show the characters' actions while they are speaking. I like the continuing suspense that makes us want to keep reading. And I enjoy the "realness" of your characters.
I wasn't sure about Leya's speech patterns.. but thought some of the following lines may contain typos. Here are a few lines to check out anyway:
~~~~~
Peggy had her hands [sat] on her hips
Peggy positioned herself in such [away] so she could catch Leya
I struck back with the only thing I [could?] think of.
Is there [anyway] I [can?] convince you?"
hands [o n] her hips. (Hope this is helpful.)
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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There is much to like about this story. I like the way you handle dialogue and the way you show the characters' actions while they are speaking. I like the continuing suspense that makes us want to keep reading. And I enjoy the "realness" of your characters.
I wasn't sure about Leya's speech patterns.. but thought some of the following lines may contain typos. Here are a few lines to check out anyway:
~~~~~
Peggy had her hands [sat] on her hips
Peggy positioned herself in such [away] so she could catch Leya
I struck back with the only thing I [could?] think of.
Is there [anyway] I [can?] convince you?"
hands [o n] her hips. (Hope this is helpful.)
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I copied your suggestions and I'm off to correct them. thank you.
Comment from Belinda
Now Peggy and the others already have a prejudice towards, Leya. (As indicated by your title, too, Barbara.) Interesting chapter, only I think this paragraph is too sudden and need a link so it won't be confusing.
"Steven, Bob and Derek are ready to toss her room." Peggy stood on the back porch. "She must have a cell phone or some other way to communicate with her family."
Other than that, interesting and makes us curious.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Now Peggy and the others already have a prejudice towards, Leya. (As indicated by your title, too, Barbara.) Interesting chapter, only I think this paragraph is too sudden and need a link so it won't be confusing.
"Steven, Bob and Derek are ready to toss her room." Peggy stood on the back porch. "She must have a cell phone or some other way to communicate with her family."
Other than that, interesting and makes us curious.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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I will take another look. Peggy wants to get rid of her ASAP, that's why I did it, but I will reread. Thank you for your input. I appreciate it and your review.
Comment from mshugh
Great pacing and tempo - you're keeping the reader interested
Here are a few suggestions.
1. use of powerful verbs - they immediately cause the reader to react and reduce the word count.
Steven came running - make it more direct - show action - Steven barged into the room - or something like that - always use direct action.
She released a deep breath - she exhaled explosively?
Those are examples.
They're just suggestions and not criticisms.
Michael
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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Great pacing and tempo - you're keeping the reader interested
Here are a few suggestions.
1. use of powerful verbs - they immediately cause the reader to react and reduce the word count.
Steven came running - make it more direct - show action - Steven barged into the room - or something like that - always use direct action.
She released a deep breath - she exhaled explosively?
Those are examples.
They're just suggestions and not criticisms.
Michael
Comment Written 29-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2009
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I am on it. Thank you for your review. I am off to do an edit.
