Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Chapter 4 Part 5"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
43 total reviews
Comment from Brindle.T
"Sweat Pants?" To an Englisdh ear that phrase sounds rather crude...It certainly made me pause...Might be just a cultural thing of course.
Again in this segment the writing is tight and lean and the dialogue moves the story along at a good pace, its all quite exciting!
I stumbled over the very first line, "Matt and Steven stepped off the jet, as they reviewed the surveillance information they had received from satellite images forwarded to them during the flight." Read it out loud and tell me if it reads right to you? I recommend breaking it up with a full stop, or period, as you chaps call it, after the word, "jet." drop "as" and start the next sentence with "They" and drop "they had" after information...So you'll have this... ""Matt and Steven stepped off the jet. They reviewed the surveillance information received from satellite images forwarded to them during the flight."
What do you think/
Apart from this I saw nothing else I'd consider changing, apart from of course the contraction use inside narration, which is a matter of style of course, "Leya, surprised to see the Task Force men, didn't respond."
Hope this helps a little
Tony
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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"Sweat Pants?" To an Englisdh ear that phrase sounds rather crude...It certainly made me pause...Might be just a cultural thing of course.
Again in this segment the writing is tight and lean and the dialogue moves the story along at a good pace, its all quite exciting!
I stumbled over the very first line, "Matt and Steven stepped off the jet, as they reviewed the surveillance information they had received from satellite images forwarded to them during the flight." Read it out loud and tell me if it reads right to you? I recommend breaking it up with a full stop, or period, as you chaps call it, after the word, "jet." drop "as" and start the next sentence with "They" and drop "they had" after information...So you'll have this... ""Matt and Steven stepped off the jet. They reviewed the surveillance information received from satellite images forwarded to them during the flight."
What do you think/
Apart from this I saw nothing else I'd consider changing, apart from of course the contraction use inside narration, which is a matter of style of course, "Leya, surprised to see the Task Force men, didn't respond."
Hope this helps a little
Tony
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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I always appreciate hearing from you. No matter how many great reviews I get, I know you will tell me the truth. Sweat pants are often worn by young American woman, and not only to bed, but out in public.
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You're very welcome and I think I'll read the other reviews, am I the only one who has picked out the points I raise...lol
Sweat Pants aye...Hmmm, it all sounds a wee bit sticky to me... I think I'll take my American women without them. :)
Tony
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I know I'm probably going to regret this, but I can't resist. Will you take your American women without sweetpants or without pants in general?
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Oh, without pants in general and without sweatpants in particular, whilst the former sounds most agreeable, the latter sounds quite smelly...
T :)
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Sweat pants are nothing more than the same material sweatshirts are made from. They normally have elastic waist bands. They are extremely comfortable and many women wear them as loungers, not for working out.
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Lol,
I'm sure they're just lovely, however, if I ever come across an American woman, I'll be sure to try my best to relieve her of them...
T
x
I saw your pic on youer bio by the way...You are a good lookin' gal! I just posted a pic up on my bio....I ain't good lookin' at all... :)
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I checked your bio and did see the pic. I can't wait. If I eveh happen to meet you, I will make sure I am NOT wearing sweatpants. Is a dress satifactory???
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Lol...
A dress would be most satisfactory, ma'm, and I shall look forward to it.
T
x
Ps...Aint my pic just the worst?...lol
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I haven't seen the picture yet.
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If you havnt seen the picture yet, you ain't missing much !...lol
Its up now.
T
xx
Comment from Freeflyer
Hmmm...Steven and Leya's relationship gets more and more interesting. What a brute Leya's father is. I'm glad the women are gone from him, he doesn't deserve them. He should be charged for what he did to his wife but we know that won't happen.
Great writing.
Maz.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Hmmm...Steven and Leya's relationship gets more and more interesting. What a brute Leya's father is. I'm glad the women are gone from him, he doesn't deserve them. He should be charged for what he did to his wife but we know that won't happen.
Great writing.
Maz.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Nope, especially in that country. Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
Barbara, you continue your story as you depict the Lationo culture.
I must ask, Is Vegas the one who has allowed the gang rape of his wife?
I suppose we should not genelaizee that a lot of them men around Bogota are so crude, but it's tempting to believe such.
You present strong characters in the drama. Your fiction has the essential qualities of narration, dramatic action and dialogue.
It seemed taht steven must ahve been exhausted to go to sleep with Leya at his side, or was this jsut a manner of speaking, implying that intimacy took place?
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Barbara, you continue your story as you depict the Lationo culture.
I must ask, Is Vegas the one who has allowed the gang rape of his wife?
I suppose we should not genelaizee that a lot of them men around Bogota are so crude, but it's tempting to believe such.
You present strong characters in the drama. Your fiction has the essential qualities of narration, dramatic action and dialogue.
It seemed taht steven must ahve been exhausted to go to sleep with Leya at his side, or was this jsut a manner of speaking, implying that intimacy took place?
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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The only Colombian men I am deplicting are those that are part of the drug cartels. No matter what country they are from they are evil. No intimacy took place. Thank you for your review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another good chapter. Poor Leya and her mother. Being married to a drug lord would definately be scary. I enjoyed this. I did find a few places I felt needed commas.
As they stared at the front steps of the hacienda(,) each team member took a deep
Effortlessly and silently(,) they corralled
At the hospital(,) Matt and Steven talked with the doctor and decided Senora
When they arrived at the safe house(,) Steven and
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Another good chapter. Poor Leya and her mother. Being married to a drug lord would definately be scary. I enjoyed this. I did find a few places I felt needed commas.
As they stared at the front steps of the hacienda(,) each team member took a deep
Effortlessly and silently(,) they corralled
At the hospital(,) Matt and Steven talked with the doctor and decided Senora
When they arrived at the safe house(,) Steven and
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Thank you. I will take care of those commas. Thank you for your review. I appreciate the continued support.
Comment from Alaskastory
This is a story with a lot of potential. It is well written and thought out and would benefit from expansion. All writing instructors tell us to "don't tell, show". I'd like to be shown such things as how Jim 'subdued' the guard, how they 'corralled the servants', how they 'expressed surprise'.
I enjoyed this read. Your hard work shows. Good job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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This is a story with a lot of potential. It is well written and thought out and would benefit from expansion. All writing instructors tell us to "don't tell, show". I'd like to be shown such things as how Jim 'subdued' the guard, how they 'corralled the servants', how they 'expressed surprise'.
I enjoyed this read. Your hard work shows. Good job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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In my books about how to write romances say if it doesn't move the romance along, leave it out, and I did. I only put in what is necessary for the romance to bloom. Thank you for your review.
Comment from lola29
This was a great chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. You are a very talented and flawless writer. What a horrible father and husband Vegas is. I'm eager for the next chapter to find out where Leya disappeared to.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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This was a great chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. You are a very talented and flawless writer. What a horrible father and husband Vegas is. I'm eager for the next chapter to find out where Leya disappeared to.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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You never know where women like Leya will go. Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from adewpearl
went to their separate room - rooms
held her, smelling the floral - add comma
What an endearing final scene - the love is really starting to grow from that initial lustful attraction
How horrid to think her mother was raped at the order of her father - that is something no child, even an adult child, should have to know about her own father, and then for her to feel responsible for the situation. You convey that all so well, her anger, her sorrow, her need to be held. Brooke
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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went to their separate room - rooms
held her, smelling the floral - add comma
What an endearing final scene - the love is really starting to grow from that initial lustful attraction
How horrid to think her mother was raped at the order of her father - that is something no child, even an adult child, should have to know about her own father, and then for her to feel responsible for the situation. You convey that all so well, her anger, her sorrow, her need to be held. Brooke
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Thank you for writing a review. Now, I can take a breath. I know it worked. Thank you again.
Comment from JMRoland
Hi barbara wilkey,
This is a riveting chapter, with plenty of action and atmosphere. Good dialogue and satisfying conclusion. Minor things: No asterisks needed to separate scenes, but make scene (location) changes more definite, as: "Later, when they boarded the jet..." and: "I'm here whenever you need me." "I need you now- please take me to the hospital to see her. I want to see my mother." Later, at the hospital... and: At the safe house, short description of interior, plus one line about going to bed in separate rooms. Also,in Spanish dialogue, might be more accurately put : "Haz traido estos gringos a mi casa?"
Nice work.Good tension. Holds reader interest.
JMR
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Hi barbara wilkey,
This is a riveting chapter, with plenty of action and atmosphere. Good dialogue and satisfying conclusion. Minor things: No asterisks needed to separate scenes, but make scene (location) changes more definite, as: "Later, when they boarded the jet..." and: "I'm here whenever you need me." "I need you now- please take me to the hospital to see her. I want to see my mother." Later, at the hospital... and: At the safe house, short description of interior, plus one line about going to bed in separate rooms. Also,in Spanish dialogue, might be more accurately put : "Haz traido estos gringos a mi casa?"
Nice work.Good tension. Holds reader interest.
JMR
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I will recheck those suggestions.
Comment from donnadiann
I like that you give such an inside look as the storming of the hacienda. Good idea about the chicken truck wreck. The most sensitive part of this chapter, though, is the realization that Leya has to accept, her father, Hector doesn't care about her, nor her mother. Also, good wrap-up, and very touching thoughts at the end of chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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I like that you give such an inside look as the storming of the hacienda. Good idea about the chicken truck wreck. The most sensitive part of this chapter, though, is the realization that Leya has to accept, her father, Hector doesn't care about her, nor her mother. Also, good wrap-up, and very touching thoughts at the end of chapter.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from jadapenn
Drat! These men are so trained they won't even venture a little exporation. Nah, if I were a man, I'd be up to no good in no time. LOL. Loved this chapter with all the creeping and crawling around. The chicken diversion was good.
A little gremlin:
"Thank you," she said (with tearstained cheeks.)[her cheeks stained with tears.
Luv jada
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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Drat! These men are so trained they won't even venture a little exporation. Nah, if I were a man, I'd be up to no good in no time. LOL. Loved this chapter with all the creeping and crawling around. The chicken diversion was good.
A little gremlin:
"Thank you," she said (with tearstained cheeks.)[her cheeks stained with tears.
Luv jada
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2009
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I am on it. Oh believe me, Steven is going to get himself into big trouble. I have a feeling you will enjoy his problems totally. Thank you. I need for your opinion before I can continue.