Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Chapter 2 Part 4"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
37 total reviews
Comment from FredCollingwood
Whew! I would have posted this earlier, but I had to stop in the middle for some private time. TWICE! Great job. Very sexy. Double Whew.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
  |
Whew! I would have posted this earlier, but I had to stop in the middle for some private time. TWICE! Great job. Very sexy. Double Whew.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I like to hear from my guys. I have to write from the female point of view, I wonder why, so I'm not always sure I can do justice to the men's view.
Comment from Freeflyer
Poor Leya. I am sure she is genuine and I think deep down Stephen believes this too. This a a good chapter and it moves the story nicely.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
|
Poor Leya. I am sure she is genuine and I think deep down Stephen believes this too. This a a good chapter and it moves the story nicely.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
Thank you. Leya will turn out to be a wonderful lady, but she has to work to that point.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another great chapter. I would use italics for thoughts, most acceptable method rather than the single quote. It was a bit confusing. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
|
Another great chapter. I would use italics for thoughts, most acceptable method rather than the single quote. It was a bit confusing. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
I know italics is the preferred method, but I can't figure how to do when I post. In my manuscript I use italics, but when I cut and paste, it leaves. I tried downloading advanced editor and McAfee throughs a temper tatrum and won't let it download. I've tried all this HTML and I guess I'm stupid, but it didn't work either.
Comment from lola29
Great chapter. The body search of Leya was very tantalizing. You did a great job describing Steven's methods; very palpable moments. You are one terrific writer.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
|
Great chapter. The body search of Leya was very tantalizing. You did a great job describing Steven's methods; very palpable moments. You are one terrific writer.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I was worried about the body search. I wanted him to remain professional, yet a man.
-
Very professional and yet very steamy. You're a terrific writer.
Comment from c_lucas
You got the friction and tension right, however I did see a little bit of Matt and Dani interaction in it. Very wel written with good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
|
You got the friction and tension right, however I did see a little bit of Matt and Dani interaction in it. Very wel written with good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
Thank you. I tried to keep Steven professional, yet still a man. I was very worried about it.
-
You would have got a better reaction from Steven if she had removed her dress and stood in front of the men in her throng and bra. I confess, she would definitely gotten my attention.
-
I quite.
-
Might get you more perverted readers like me.
-
Wait until the next chapter, you will get your wish. At the rate I'm going it should be in about two weeks. Leya lets Steven know what she wants from him. You have probably guessed already.
-
His Elvis collections?
Comment from nor84
Hello, Barbara.
That first paragraph needs to split after Leya says'Bob'. The reason is that EACH time a new charater speaks, it's a new paragraph.
THE FOLLOWING CAN BE ALL ONE PARAGRAPH BECAUSE STEVEN IS THE DOERE.Standing beside Leya, Steven held out his hand. "I need your cell phone."
She flipped her hair behind her shoulder, before placing it in his hand.
"Turn around, place your hands on the car, and spread your legs. I need to search for weapons." He dreaded the frisk.
If you insist(.) I was allowing you some dignity
His thoughts should be in italics, not single quotes.
His hands slid down her back, then under her skirt. When his hands touched >>>close repeat of 'his hands'. Just say 'When he touched'
The three paragraphs just before the ***** should all be written together. Steven is the observer or doer in all.
She didn't move, but said, "You don't trust me at all, do you?"
>>>I suggest cutting 'but said' because She didn't move already identifies the speaker if on the same line with the dialog.
HERE, TOO, IT SHOULD ALL BE ONE PARAGRAPH:
Your room's upstairs." He led her toward the stairs. "It's fairly large. The men aren't allowed inside unless invited.
"You're welcome down here anytime. Meals are at 7:30, 12:00, and 6:30. If you want to eat with us, you're welcome. If you want to eat alone, we ask that you tell us in advance and someone will bring your plate."
At the top of the stairs, he opened her bedroom door but stood in the hall. "There's an exercise room to the left of the kitchen. You're welcome to use it anytime. Don't go outside, unless one of us is with you.
"There are six men living downstairs, so I suggest you act like a lady at all times." He closed the door and left.
Good job, Barbara. Only minor revisions needed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
 |
Hello, Barbara.
That first paragraph needs to split after Leya says'Bob'. The reason is that EACH time a new charater speaks, it's a new paragraph.
THE FOLLOWING CAN BE ALL ONE PARAGRAPH BECAUSE STEVEN IS THE DOERE.Standing beside Leya, Steven held out his hand. "I need your cell phone."
She flipped her hair behind her shoulder, before placing it in his hand.
"Turn around, place your hands on the car, and spread your legs. I need to search for weapons." He dreaded the frisk.
If you insist(.) I was allowing you some dignity
His thoughts should be in italics, not single quotes.
His hands slid down her back, then under her skirt. When his hands touched >>>close repeat of 'his hands'. Just say 'When he touched'
The three paragraphs just before the ***** should all be written together. Steven is the observer or doer in all.
She didn't move, but said, "You don't trust me at all, do you?"
>>>I suggest cutting 'but said' because She didn't move already identifies the speaker if on the same line with the dialog.
HERE, TOO, IT SHOULD ALL BE ONE PARAGRAPH:
Your room's upstairs." He led her toward the stairs. "It's fairly large. The men aren't allowed inside unless invited.
"You're welcome down here anytime. Meals are at 7:30, 12:00, and 6:30. If you want to eat with us, you're welcome. If you want to eat alone, we ask that you tell us in advance and someone will bring your plate."
At the top of the stairs, he opened her bedroom door but stood in the hall. "There's an exercise room to the left of the kitchen. You're welcome to use it anytime. Don't go outside, unless one of us is with you.
"There are six men living downstairs, so I suggest you act like a lady at all times." He closed the door and left.
Good job, Barbara. Only minor revisions needed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
Arg!!!!! I'm teasing. When I cut and pasted, I must have messed up that first paragraph. In my manuscript I have thoughts in italics, but I can't get them to transfer here. I've tried 4 different things and they still don't come out. That's why I stated in my author's notes that I used single quotes. I'm off to make the corrections. Thank you so much. I do appreciate your time. Thank you.
Comment from jadapenn
Wow, are you sure about Steven's colouring. Not dark hair and brown eyes? Dang! Otherwise I would have volunteered for the frisk.
Well written, sweetie. This is so smooth - have you adopted David as your muse now. Happiness is! I think I'm going to find him and make him an offer as my book just ain't as good as yours.lol. Seriously, I'm proud of you. This was sexy and well written. luv ja - jada
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
|
Wow, are you sure about Steven's colouring. Not dark hair and brown eyes? Dang! Otherwise I would have volunteered for the frisk.
Well written, sweetie. This is so smooth - have you adopted David as your muse now. Happiness is! I think I'm going to find him and make him an offer as my book just ain't as good as yours.lol. Seriously, I'm proud of you. This was sexy and well written. luv ja - jada
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2009
-
Thank you. I appreciate you kind words. Your opinion is so valuable to me, even if you're only writing about elephants and not TROY.
