Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Chapter 2 Part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
Another good chapter. It's interesting that she let the baby out of her sight, I wouldn't. If he needed to examine her I'd be right there. I wouldn't trust anyone. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Another good chapter. It's interesting that she let the baby out of her sight, I wouldn't. If he needed to examine her I'd be right there. I wouldn't trust anyone. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Dani is fully aware that Joe and Steven are very capable of taking care of Emily. In the first novel, Dani's life depended on them many times.
Comment from Brindle.T
Hello Barbara
Here I am, making and offering critique to an accomplished novelist...The bare faced impertinance of me, aye...
Some good dialogue in this which moved the story along very well.
Here are my notes, I hope they are helpful...
Whats wrong with this opening sentence?
"Dani covered her mouth, hiding her smile as she watched Leya ogling Steven"
Read it aloud, it just dosnt sound right, does it?
Ok...Here it is again... "Dani COVERED her mouth, HIDING her smile as she WATCHED Leya OGLING Steven...
Do you see it now? Covered, Hiding, Watched and Ogling are different transitions in voice...To make it consistant with the first voice, "Covered," it should be constructed something like this...
"Dani covered her mouth, she hid her smile and watched Leya ogle Steven."...
Do you see now how the whole sentence is in "active" voice and tense? Its happening, NOW, and the reader is being taken on the journey by the author....
This change and shifting of tense / voice is consistant throughout...It is however often subtle, and thats a credit to your writing skill.
Here you have a sentence that is completely, ACTIVE..."Leya moved the chair beside Dani's bed and glanced toward Steven before she sat....
You see it all now, dont ya' ?
Tony
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Hello Barbara
Here I am, making and offering critique to an accomplished novelist...The bare faced impertinance of me, aye...
Some good dialogue in this which moved the story along very well.
Here are my notes, I hope they are helpful...
Whats wrong with this opening sentence?
"Dani covered her mouth, hiding her smile as she watched Leya ogling Steven"
Read it aloud, it just dosnt sound right, does it?
Ok...Here it is again... "Dani COVERED her mouth, HIDING her smile as she WATCHED Leya OGLING Steven...
Do you see it now? Covered, Hiding, Watched and Ogling are different transitions in voice...To make it consistant with the first voice, "Covered," it should be constructed something like this...
"Dani covered her mouth, she hid her smile and watched Leya ogle Steven."...
Do you see now how the whole sentence is in "active" voice and tense? Its happening, NOW, and the reader is being taken on the journey by the author....
This change and shifting of tense / voice is consistant throughout...It is however often subtle, and thats a credit to your writing skill.
Here you have a sentence that is completely, ACTIVE..."Leya moved the chair beside Dani's bed and glanced toward Steven before she sat....
You see it all now, dont ya' ?
Tony
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Out of all the reviewer, I've had so far you are the first to comment on that sentence. Thank you for your review.
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"Out of all the reviewer, I've had so far you are the first to comment on that sentence. Thank you for your review"
Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing? Shall I keep my own council in future?
Tony :)
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No,,, I want you to voice your opinion. I corrected it. I fussed over that sentence for over an hour last night before I posted. I couldn't get it right so I thought, I give up, I'm posting anyway. I had 8 grammar books out trying to figure out what to do with it. Thank you.
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Eight grammar books! To look up the best way of structuring that sentence? Wow !
I'm so pleased my comments were in that case, of some assistance.
Please, if yuo struggle over a sentence again, send it on over along with the paragraph, for context, and I'll see if I can alend some assistance...No problem.
Tony
Comment from RaymondJohn
Good chapter that moves the story along. Translation can be tricky, but you seem to have believable characters, and you have the necessary tension in the chapter. Best wishes. Ray.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Good chapter that moves the story along. Translation can be tricky, but you seem to have believable characters, and you have the necessary tension in the chapter. Best wishes. Ray.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank your for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Raveness78
Really nice story, I like youe characters and I love the way you ended the chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next x x happy writing x x
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Really nice story, I like youe characters and I love the way you ended the chapter. Can't wait to see what happens next x x happy writing x x
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from dihardest
Thus far, the Spanish you insert is minimal. I wouldn't worry about translating it. Your readers can figure out the phrase in this chapter closely enough that you certainly shouldn't encumber the story or distract from it with notes of translation. Just keep the phrases brief enough that any Spanish words that are not similar enough to their English counterparts can be figured out in context. Good character and plot development in this chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thus far, the Spanish you insert is minimal. I wouldn't worry about translating it. Your readers can figure out the phrase in this chapter closely enough that you certainly shouldn't encumber the story or distract from it with notes of translation. Just keep the phrases brief enough that any Spanish words that are not similar enough to their English counterparts can be figured out in context. Good character and plot development in this chapter.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words and your support.
Comment from empire76
No qualms with the chapter itself. I am glad Matt has handed over to Steven. Hopefully the issue of secondary characters crowding your hero and heroine (IMHO) will be fixed.
one thing I wanted to mention;
- "A proposito, domino el Espanol. Es tu' preferencia."
I don't think you need this at all. It is suggested when he first asks whether they should do this is English or Spanish. also in previous chapters. I think he's also spoken enough Spanish to her for her to know this. (Just my opinion)
E
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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No qualms with the chapter itself. I am glad Matt has handed over to Steven. Hopefully the issue of secondary characters crowding your hero and heroine (IMHO) will be fixed.
one thing I wanted to mention;
- "A proposito, domino el Espanol. Es tu' preferencia."
I don't think you need this at all. It is suggested when he first asks whether they should do this is English or Spanish. also in previous chapters. I think he's also spoken enough Spanish to her for her to know this. (Just my opinion)
E
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. Steven was trying to make a point here, basically that he is on to her and her tricks won't work with him. I think all he said in the early chapters is that he speaks Spanish ask her 'where' the infant is. So all he really said was a total of 4 words, those are 4 words almost any one can speak.
Comment from jadapenn
You're getting good at your descriptives, putting more action with the dialogue so the story flows smoother. Very nice chapter.
Luv jada
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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You're getting good at your descriptives, putting more action with the dialogue so the story flows smoother. Very nice chapter.
Luv jada
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Good morning sunshine!!! Thank you for your review.
Comment from Arkine
I had the same problem with some italian translations. I left them in parenthases, because so far no one's come up with anything better. I suppose you could write the english and just say he repeated in spanish, but if they aren't repeating something then that wouldn't work. You could also put the english and just put (in spanish) in front of it. No matter what you do it'll pull the reader, at least to a degree, out of the book. I think as long as you keep it to a minimum then it shouldn't interfere too much.
Nice chapter! :)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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I had the same problem with some italian translations. I left them in parenthases, because so far no one's come up with anything better. I suppose you could write the english and just say he repeated in spanish, but if they aren't repeating something then that wouldn't work. You could also put the english and just put (in spanish) in front of it. No matter what you do it'll pull the reader, at least to a degree, out of the book. I think as long as you keep it to a minimum then it shouldn't interfere too much.
Nice chapter! :)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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If I remember right there's only 2 more times Spanish is spoken in this book, once at the end of chapter 2 and then at the very end of the book. Thank you for your review.
Comment from NightWriter
I like reading romance. "Chapter 2 Part 2" is a beautifully written chapter with strong dialogue and descriptive narration throughout. No spaggies here. Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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I like reading romance. "Chapter 2 Part 2" is a beautifully written chapter with strong dialogue and descriptive narration throughout. No spaggies here. Well done!
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Readywriter52
Dani has been reunited with Emily. She plans to take her home where she consider safer than the hospital. Leya has been disowned by her family and is being protected by the task force. I think she like Stephen but considers him cold and sarcastic.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Dani has been reunited with Emily. She plans to take her home where she consider safer than the hospital. Leya has been disowned by her family and is being protected by the task force. I think she like Stephen but considers him cold and sarcastic.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Pretty much true on all accounts. You need to add Steven does not true Leya, at all. Thank you for your review.