The Quaffel Feather
An Old-Fashioned Fairy Tale68 total reviews
Comment from suneagle
A cute short story, but certainly not flash fiction, Jani. The principle of flash fiction is: minimum words, maximum effect. This short story is far too wordy for a flash. Also, flash fiction should not need Author Notes to identify the characters--that needs to be deleted.
I found your ending too fairy-taleish. The final four paragraphs were unnecessary additions from the real surprise twist that concluded the story, that is: The troll who looked like a prince nodded at the princess who looked like a hag, and they embraced.
I've noted other specific suggestions or adjustments below for your consideration.
He bowed and left the room, nearly colliding with his wife, Shimmer, who carried a bowl of steaming broth for the ailing king. (The word "ailing" is superfluous--the reader already knows the king is dying.)
Shimmer waved her hand over the bowl, and dumplings appeared. (That sentence would have greater impact without the conjunction: Shimmer waved her hand over the bowl; dumplings appeared.)
The king's daughters were as different as a coal black night is from a tropical sunrise. (Description is only required in flash fiction when it is relevant and necessary to the progress of the story. It would be simpler here to write: The king's daughters were as different night and day. [That one is beautiful and the other ugly is apparent as the story continues.] The whole paragraph is overly descriptive for flash.)
Two weeks later, Llort, a tall, handsome young man with a strange name (Llort is either an obviously strange name or it isn't. Don't 'tell' what you've already shown. Most readers can read simple words backwards, anyway.)
Heaven sniffed loudly, (Delete "loudly"--superfluous adverb.)
"Would you marry me, dearest Hilda, friend of the Quaffel and his faithful troll companion?" he whispered.
(The speech tag seems unnecessary.)
Hilda shook her head ever so slightly. (Simplify: Hilda shook her head.)
Llort's eyes whirled in a kaleidescope of purple, green and gold. (Two things here. First, spelling of 'kaleidoscope'. Second, simplify: Llort's eyes whirled in a kaleidoscope of color.)
The queen announced the wedding would be held the next day. (The queen announced the wedding for the next day.)
*** I trust I've been helpful. PM if you have any questions or comments about this review. You can read my FanStory essay about flash fiction here.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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A cute short story, but certainly not flash fiction, Jani. The principle of flash fiction is: minimum words, maximum effect. This short story is far too wordy for a flash. Also, flash fiction should not need Author Notes to identify the characters--that needs to be deleted.
I found your ending too fairy-taleish. The final four paragraphs were unnecessary additions from the real surprise twist that concluded the story, that is: The troll who looked like a prince nodded at the princess who looked like a hag, and they embraced.
I've noted other specific suggestions or adjustments below for your consideration.
He bowed and left the room, nearly colliding with his wife, Shimmer, who carried a bowl of steaming broth for the ailing king. (The word "ailing" is superfluous--the reader already knows the king is dying.)
Shimmer waved her hand over the bowl, and dumplings appeared. (That sentence would have greater impact without the conjunction: Shimmer waved her hand over the bowl; dumplings appeared.)
The king's daughters were as different as a coal black night is from a tropical sunrise. (Description is only required in flash fiction when it is relevant and necessary to the progress of the story. It would be simpler here to write: The king's daughters were as different night and day. [That one is beautiful and the other ugly is apparent as the story continues.] The whole paragraph is overly descriptive for flash.)
Two weeks later, Llort, a tall, handsome young man with a strange name (Llort is either an obviously strange name or it isn't. Don't 'tell' what you've already shown. Most readers can read simple words backwards, anyway.)
Heaven sniffed loudly, (Delete "loudly"--superfluous adverb.)
"Would you marry me, dearest Hilda, friend of the Quaffel and his faithful troll companion?" he whispered.
(The speech tag seems unnecessary.)
Hilda shook her head ever so slightly. (Simplify: Hilda shook her head.)
Llort's eyes whirled in a kaleidescope of purple, green and gold. (Two things here. First, spelling of 'kaleidoscope'. Second, simplify: Llort's eyes whirled in a kaleidoscope of color.)
The queen announced the wedding would be held the next day. (The queen announced the wedding for the next day.)
*** I trust I've been helpful. PM if you have any questions or comments about this review. You can read my FanStory essay about flash fiction here.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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Les, I very much appreciate the time you took to review this story. I have made some quick corrections, but need to go to bed, as I just drove six hours home. I will take another look at it tomorrow, but would be very interested to hear what you think of the corrections so far.
Many thanks,
Jani
Comment from Mariea
Very well done for a 'shortie'. Kept me interested all the way. Great storyline and not cluttered with too many characters. No 'flat spots' or typos that I could see. You should do well in the contest with this one.
Regards Mia
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Very well done for a 'shortie'. Kept me interested all the way. Great storyline and not cluttered with too many characters. No 'flat spots' or typos that I could see. You should do well in the contest with this one.
Regards Mia
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from Dee1977
That was a beautiful story, and I loved the message at the end. It made me smile and there is more than a grain of truth to it, as you obviously know. I wish you the best of luck.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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That was a beautiful story, and I loved the message at the end. It made me smile and there is more than a grain of truth to it, as you obviously know. I wish you the best of luck.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from Kym Jade
Hi loved this wonderful story, especially the last line. It would be wonderful to live in a fantasy world outside of our dreams and stories. Good luck in the contest.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Hi loved this wonderful story, especially the last line. It would be wonderful to live in a fantasy world outside of our dreams and stories. Good luck in the contest.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-) You guys are the experts in the fantasy area of writing, so I am thrilled to receive these kind words.
Hugs,
Jani
Comment from Jnetgame
Excellent story- so creative. I wish I remembered dreams like this. I didn't notice any SPAG. I think this will do well in the contest. Good luck.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Excellent story- so creative. I wish I remembered dreams like this. I didn't notice any SPAG. I think this will do well in the contest. Good luck.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Janilou...a very good fairy tale that is clever and innovative. I especially liked the names of your characters. You have an excellent moral in this story. I really enjoyed reading this intriguing tale. Good luck in the contest.....blessings....chey
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Hi Janilou...a very good fairy tale that is clever and innovative. I especially liked the names of your characters. You have an excellent moral in this story. I really enjoyed reading this intriguing tale. Good luck in the contest.....blessings....chey
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from Cairn Destop
Okay, the hedgehog will ask, who is the troll? Hedgehog now watches author yank out whatever hair remains.
All teasing aside, I enjoyed this fable. Since it meets the requirements, I cannot ding for that and I'm not about to check into SPAG. Most enjoyable. And yes, I did know who the troll was.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Okay, the hedgehog will ask, who is the troll? Hedgehog now watches author yank out whatever hair remains.
All teasing aside, I enjoyed this fable. Since it meets the requirements, I cannot ding for that and I'm not about to check into SPAG. Most enjoyable. And yes, I did know who the troll was.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-) Bless your heart!
Jani
Comment from Joan E.
You certainly satisfied the contest's requirements with this sweet fantasy. I enjoyed the stark contrast created between "coal" and "tropical." I also liked your "rain puddle" simile and "kaleidoscope" metaphor. I admired your "troll" twist and the second morale to the story at the very end.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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You certainly satisfied the contest's requirements with this sweet fantasy. I enjoyed the stark contrast created between "coal" and "tropical." I also liked your "rain puddle" simile and "kaleidoscope" metaphor. I admired your "troll" twist and the second morale to the story at the very end.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from L.lora
Bless you for entering the contest and for that late night scramble out of bed to capture this on paper. I know how awful it is to have things disappear into the dreamtime galaxy. The story is delightful and at the same time teaches a valuable lesson. Very enjoyable, and I agree if they don't know who the Troll was by the end of the write...there is no hope.LOL. Thank you for such a delightful read. L.lora
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Bless you for entering the contest and for that late night scramble out of bed to capture this on paper. I know how awful it is to have things disappear into the dreamtime galaxy. The story is delightful and at the same time teaches a valuable lesson. Very enjoyable, and I agree if they don't know who the Troll was by the end of the write...there is no hope.LOL. Thank you for such a delightful read. L.lora
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from patwannabe
Janilou, this is absolutely marvelous. I don't have a six to give you. I love it. I don't like fantasy, but I do like fairy tales. Go figure! A delightful story. A winner! pat
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Janilou, this is absolutely marvelous. I don't have a six to give you. I love it. I don't like fantasy, but I do like fairy tales. Go figure! A delightful story. A winner! pat
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-) Knowing you wanted to give it six stars is good enough for me. Thanks!
Jani