Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Nightmares Going West"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
49 total reviews
Comment from Kristia
Hi Beth,
My goodness this was an adventure! I can only imagine how frightened you would have been. I really liked your story and it is very easy to read. It held my attention and I would recommend it to others! cheers
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
  |
Hi Beth,
My goodness this was an adventure! I can only imagine how frightened you would have been. I really liked your story and it is very easy to read. It held my attention and I would recommend it to others! cheers
Comment Written 21-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
-
Kristia, Thank you for the review. I glad you liked the story. I was an adventure. I would never try that again.
Beth
Comment from anabelle
This is fabulous BethShelby. I loved it. I've been thinking about my road trips too, and may end up posting some. Isn't it amazing to go on the road with kids? LOL. A person has to be adventurous to last through it, but lots of memories: good and bad. Sounds like you were definitely adventurous, even taking Mom along. As for the memories, they're beautiful - even the bad ones.
Great read. Absolutely enjoyable. Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
|
This is fabulous BethShelby. I loved it. I've been thinking about my road trips too, and may end up posting some. Isn't it amazing to go on the road with kids? LOL. A person has to be adventurous to last through it, but lots of memories: good and bad. Sounds like you were definitely adventurous, even taking Mom along. As for the memories, they're beautiful - even the bad ones.
Great read. Absolutely enjoyable. Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 21-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
-
Anabelle, Thank you for reveiwing this and for all the nice comments. I am adventurous but I didn't care to repeat that particular adventure. There were plenty more however.
Beth
Comment from bigdaddyfirefly
I have always known that nothing is as captivating as the truth. I as a trucker for many years and I have had many similar experiences. The lack of friendly human contact can do many things to the human mind. I think your writing was good and descriptive for the most part. The only error that kept coming up and disrupted my enjoyment of the piece was the use of "fitted", in most spots "fit" would have been the correct usage. Otherwise very entertaining.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
 |
I have always known that nothing is as captivating as the truth. I as a trucker for many years and I have had many similar experiences. The lack of friendly human contact can do many things to the human mind. I think your writing was good and descriptive for the most part. The only error that kept coming up and disrupted my enjoyment of the piece was the use of "fitted", in most spots "fit" would have been the correct usage. Otherwise very entertaining.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
-
Thank you for the review and comments. I had "fit" in all those places but one reviewer who happened to be a writing teacher told me I needed "fitted" in those places. It sounded wrong to me also, but I figured she knew what she was talking about. She told me if I corrected it she would change the "good" rating to an "excellent" so I did. It ruined it for you and you gave me a "good" That is ironic.
Beth
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Good story nicely told and all the more readable for its being an authentic tale of a real event. Well done, I bet you're still, as we say, dining out on it thirty years later. Your Mum was probably right about the guys in the Ford ......
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
|
Good story nicely told and all the more readable for its being an authentic tale of a real event. Well done, I bet you're still, as we say, dining out on it thirty years later. Your Mum was probably right about the guys in the Ford ......
Comment Written 21-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
-
Thank you for the review and comments. At the time, I thought she was overreacting but after I read the story in the paper it gave me cold chills.
Beth
Comment from adewpearl
OMG - they could have been the rest stop murderers! :-) This story, as is true of all your family stories, is fantastically entertaining. I could just see you all recreating the journey of the Joads. LOL Good thing your mom didn't die along the way to recreate that part!! Yeah, I am all about the motels. :-) Whenever I see a banner ad with your name on it, I click for I know I'll be laughing soon. Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
|
OMG - they could have been the rest stop murderers! :-) This story, as is true of all your family stories, is fantastically entertaining. I could just see you all recreating the journey of the Joads. LOL Good thing your mom didn't die along the way to recreate that part!! Yeah, I am all about the motels. :-) Whenever I see a banner ad with your name on it, I click for I know I'll be laughing soon. Brooke :-)
Comment Written 21-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
-
Brooke, Thanks for the review. I'm so glad you found this entertaining. It was quite a trip. Motels are definitely the way to go.
Beth
Comment from Zaphod
This is a great, but horrible story. I can only imagine what you went through trapped in a cab that size with children. I know how small they are, and have tried to sleep in them. In the end I slept outside.
Anyway, two small suggestions.
because two (thickness) [layers] of glass, with open air between, separated us. {I think it reads better. Hard to get what you're saying.}
a town big enough to have a motel. (.) As we crossed into the {extra period}
Keep up the fun stories, and all the best,
Z
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
|
This is a great, but horrible story. I can only imagine what you went through trapped in a cab that size with children. I know how small they are, and have tried to sleep in them. In the end I slept outside.
Anyway, two small suggestions.
because two (thickness) [layers] of glass, with open air between, separated us. {I think it reads better. Hard to get what you're saying.}
a town big enough to have a motel. (.) As we crossed into the {extra period}
Keep up the fun stories, and all the best,
Z
Comment Written 21-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2009
-
Thank you for reviewing this story and for you nice comments and suggestions.
Beth
Comment from Treesaw
Okay, Beth...here I go again. You must collect these delightful anecdotes and add some of your poems...I know you're sick of me playing the same old song, but I can't help it. These are darned good reading.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2009
|
Okay, Beth...here I go again. You must collect these delightful anecdotes and add some of your poems...I know you're sick of me playing the same old song, but I can't help it. These are darned good reading.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2009
-
Thank so much Treesaw, just keep nagging. I'll get around to it. I really appreciate your encouragement.
Beth
Comment from --Turtle.
Hello beth, I read through your story,
age[d] five, our funds were tight, and we seldom took family vacations. (I paused at aged, wondering if the 'd' was needed, I'm not sure, but I don't think it is)
fit[ted] our budget (I thought that 'fitted' sounded funny to me, fit might be the correct way to use it, here, and each time through the story, but it could be an area thing too? I have fitted sheets at home, and they fit my bed. Not completely sure on this one)
I must have gone a little insane when he agreed, because I went a step further and suggested we take my mother along. (this made me giggle, cool image)
Mom only thought she knew what she was getting herself into.. (one period... or three?)
Carol's teacher frowned on me (for) taking her out of class for a week. (added in the word for, to clarify why the teacher frowned, but you know, it could be like the word 'that' an extra word that isn't really needed. Sigh, I'm not sure)
Our moods had deteriorated, and three children had decided this wasn't such a fun idea after all. . (extra period floating, and the 'had' after children could be deleted, i think)
I took a turn in the back to give Mom's legs a rest, and I realized (was thinking that the second 'I' could be deleted)
mattress just barely fitted(fit) in
The children were bored and had started on the chips and cookies(,) scattering crumbs across the bed. (without the comma, it makes it seem like the cookies were scattering crumbs verse the children (this I'm pretty sure on))
Still(,) there were miles and miles of open country with a few tiny towns (The comma added gives a pause to allow brains to prepare for the coming thought)
He kept turning the flashlight on to see what time it was. (did you know there is an archaic grammar rule that insists that sentences are not allowed to end with 'was'! I just learned that this month, reading a little grammar book... I thought about that when I read your sentence here and thought I would share.)
We pulled in and got to stretch our legs ( typo, you have an extra space between 'and' and 'got')
The other group [consisted of] four drunken and disreputable looking men, gathered around a table near their decrepit old Ford. (this sentence as is, looks spliced, but if you replace 'consisted of' with a comma, then it would make sense (this I'm pretty sure of))
The long night ended with only the children having gotten any sleep.. (extra period, or missing... ?)
I was surprised that he didn't insist on going back home immediately. (You can delete the 'that' in this sentence, it isn't needed, extra word, I learned that here on fanstory, that the word 'that' is overused. I love to use that, so I always have to go back in my writings and delete about half of them... so I tend to see when other's are using extra that's too)
I liked the story, the trip sounded like quiet an adventure. I think if my parents ever pulled a gun on a road trip, I would freak out too. I hope some of the things I suggested are helpful, I tried to point out why I made a suggestion, so you can keep an eye out for some things when you write the next story too.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2009
|
Hello beth, I read through your story,
age[d] five, our funds were tight, and we seldom took family vacations. (I paused at aged, wondering if the 'd' was needed, I'm not sure, but I don't think it is)
fit[ted] our budget (I thought that 'fitted' sounded funny to me, fit might be the correct way to use it, here, and each time through the story, but it could be an area thing too? I have fitted sheets at home, and they fit my bed. Not completely sure on this one)
I must have gone a little insane when he agreed, because I went a step further and suggested we take my mother along. (this made me giggle, cool image)
Mom only thought she knew what she was getting herself into.. (one period... or three?)
Carol's teacher frowned on me (for) taking her out of class for a week. (added in the word for, to clarify why the teacher frowned, but you know, it could be like the word 'that' an extra word that isn't really needed. Sigh, I'm not sure)
Our moods had deteriorated, and three children had decided this wasn't such a fun idea after all. . (extra period floating, and the 'had' after children could be deleted, i think)
I took a turn in the back to give Mom's legs a rest, and I realized (was thinking that the second 'I' could be deleted)
mattress just barely fitted(fit) in
The children were bored and had started on the chips and cookies(,) scattering crumbs across the bed. (without the comma, it makes it seem like the cookies were scattering crumbs verse the children (this I'm pretty sure on))
Still(,) there were miles and miles of open country with a few tiny towns (The comma added gives a pause to allow brains to prepare for the coming thought)
He kept turning the flashlight on to see what time it was. (did you know there is an archaic grammar rule that insists that sentences are not allowed to end with 'was'! I just learned that this month, reading a little grammar book... I thought about that when I read your sentence here and thought I would share.)
We pulled in and got to stretch our legs ( typo, you have an extra space between 'and' and 'got')
The other group [consisted of] four drunken and disreputable looking men, gathered around a table near their decrepit old Ford. (this sentence as is, looks spliced, but if you replace 'consisted of' with a comma, then it would make sense (this I'm pretty sure of))
The long night ended with only the children having gotten any sleep.. (extra period, or missing... ?)
I was surprised that he didn't insist on going back home immediately. (You can delete the 'that' in this sentence, it isn't needed, extra word, I learned that here on fanstory, that the word 'that' is overused. I love to use that, so I always have to go back in my writings and delete about half of them... so I tend to see when other's are using extra that's too)
I liked the story, the trip sounded like quiet an adventure. I think if my parents ever pulled a gun on a road trip, I would freak out too. I hope some of the things I suggested are helpful, I tried to point out why I made a suggestion, so you can keep an eye out for some things when you write the next story too.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2009
-
Thank you so much for reading my story and checking it so carefully. I have looked back over it and made a lot of the changes you suggested. As to the "aged" and "fitted", I not sure what to do there. I had "age" and "fit" but another reviewer, who I believe is a writting teacher, said that I needed the "d" so I changed them. The word,"That", is a problem for me. If I put in the "that" someone tells me I don't need it and if I leave it out, someone tells me I need it. Actually, my writing program also tells me I need it, so I'm a bit confused. The sentence in which you suggest I take out "consisted of" was another reviewer's suggested sentence. Writing get confusing sometimes.
Anyway, I do appreciate your help and I'm glad you likee the story.
Beth
-
You know beth, I'm not all that sure on some of them, that's why I ended up giving five stars along with the suggestions, and tried to put question marks on the ones as there was the possibility that they really didn't need changing. So many rules and then add on top the fact that there are variations to some of them, and choices of style.
For the that deletion of the 'that', now I'm not sure about it either. (It's the blind leading the blind sometimes. I try not to muck people up though.)
Take care.
Comment from zydecosal
Oh, my goodness sake. That sounds like a nightmare camping vacation. And, certainly not to be repeated. You did a great job telling the story and it didn't lose my interest for one second. Great job. Beth.
Sally
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2009
|
Oh, my goodness sake. That sounds like a nightmare camping vacation. And, certainly not to be repeated. You did a great job telling the story and it didn't lose my interest for one second. Great job. Beth.
Sally
Comment Written 18-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2009
-
Sally, Thank you. I do appreciate your reviews and comments.
Beth
Comment from pixiemillie
An excellent and enjoyable read- -the whole saga- -everything from the truck the camper shell, taking Mother along- -(My Mother would have gone as well- -Dad never wanted to go anywhere)--and that trip across Texas- -have you ever experienced anything like it- -you know exactly how big Texas is once you make that trip. Your telling of this is amusing at best, but I'm sure after the first 24 hours you wondered who had the idea and whatever for.
Loved every word- -the 'close call' saved by Mother- -happened right here in my state- -I'll give her credit- -she probably did scare off those hombres.
Thank you for sharing this---unforgettable vacation- -bet you never had another quite like it.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2009
|
An excellent and enjoyable read- -the whole saga- -everything from the truck the camper shell, taking Mother along- -(My Mother would have gone as well- -Dad never wanted to go anywhere)--and that trip across Texas- -have you ever experienced anything like it- -you know exactly how big Texas is once you make that trip. Your telling of this is amusing at best, but I'm sure after the first 24 hours you wondered who had the idea and whatever for.
Loved every word- -the 'close call' saved by Mother- -happened right here in my state- -I'll give her credit- -she probably did scare off those hombres.
Thank you for sharing this---unforgettable vacation- -bet you never had another quite like it.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2009
-
Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed this. It was a one of kind vacation. I would never want to repeat it. My husband didn't want me to write the part about is being locked in the back of the pickup. He said we don't need the whole world to know how stupid we were. LOL
Beth
-
You tell your dear husband that you two being locked in the back with the kids and Mother asleep up front only added to the humor in this piece- -not then, I'm sure- -but now in the retelling.
