Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "How to Make a Holiday Memorable"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
38 total reviews
Comment from Helen Tan
Beth, I love reading stories of your life, this one is no exception.
I know what you're trying to achieve with the long ending paragraph but I feel with so many examples of unlucky incidents lumped together, the paragraph rambles. It takes away from the intensity of this particular Christmas experience which your story's focus should be about. I'm not sure whether you understand what I'm trying to get across. You have actually told readers at the start that you've had several "mishaps" when it comes to family gathering. I've not docked a star for this as I think it's your style of telling a story.
By that time, my husband
deafening noise, but by that time,
You have "by that time" in consecutive sentences. Suggest maybe the first sentence be changed, maybe something along this line, "Meanwhile, my husband..."
which I had invited to join us.
whom I had...
I guess the Mother Ship must have zoomed down and had its big-eyed henchmen extract the object while I was sleeping.
Great humour.
I praying it would be mine.
I prayed it ....
in the next room next door.
in the room next door.
to the grocery story
grocery store?
After crawling back up the stairs on my knees
I would have just dressed downstairs.
he informed me that if I hadn't made such a big deal out of the whole thing,
Delete "that".
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
  |
Beth, I love reading stories of your life, this one is no exception.
I know what you're trying to achieve with the long ending paragraph but I feel with so many examples of unlucky incidents lumped together, the paragraph rambles. It takes away from the intensity of this particular Christmas experience which your story's focus should be about. I'm not sure whether you understand what I'm trying to get across. You have actually told readers at the start that you've had several "mishaps" when it comes to family gathering. I've not docked a star for this as I think it's your style of telling a story.
By that time, my husband
deafening noise, but by that time,
You have "by that time" in consecutive sentences. Suggest maybe the first sentence be changed, maybe something along this line, "Meanwhile, my husband..."
which I had invited to join us.
whom I had...
I guess the Mother Ship must have zoomed down and had its big-eyed henchmen extract the object while I was sleeping.
Great humour.
I praying it would be mine.
I prayed it ....
in the next room next door.
in the room next door.
to the grocery story
grocery store?
After crawling back up the stairs on my knees
I would have just dressed downstairs.
he informed me that if I hadn't made such a big deal out of the whole thing,
Delete "that".
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
-
Helen, you are so helpful and I'm always grateful when you review one of my pieces. You are the best reviewer on FanStory as far as I'm concerned. I have made all of the changes you suggested except the one about dressing downstairs. You might have to know my husband to understand why I went back up. My clothes were up there and my husband would have never been able to get everything I needed to get dressed. I wonder if I should explain that in the story.
Beth
Comment from DecrepitOldBag
Oh, lmao! I truly am laughing out loud here. You must surely ahve the most accident-prone family on the planet, Beth. I'm so sorry to laugh at your misfortunes, but the way you've written it, I simply can't help it. I love the way you describe the horrible doctor, and your feelings of wanting to brain him with the crutch when you discovered you could have had a removable boot!
Fabulous story, very well written. There were a couple of minor spag - but you know what? Let someone else pick em out. I so thoroughly enjoyed the story, I couldn't bear to pick fault!
Warmest wishes and hugs
Kat
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
|
Oh, lmao! I truly am laughing out loud here. You must surely ahve the most accident-prone family on the planet, Beth. I'm so sorry to laugh at your misfortunes, but the way you've written it, I simply can't help it. I love the way you describe the horrible doctor, and your feelings of wanting to brain him with the crutch when you discovered you could have had a removable boot!
Fabulous story, very well written. There were a couple of minor spag - but you know what? Let someone else pick em out. I so thoroughly enjoyed the story, I couldn't bear to pick fault!
Warmest wishes and hugs
Kat
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
-
Kat, Thank you again reading my mishaps and finding them funny. I laugh to in retrospect but I'm alway a little nervous when Holidays roll around. At least, I have something to write about.
All the best to you,
Beth
-
Gods, Beth, I'd be in an asylum by now were I in your shoes. I would heartily dread any holiday. I think you're such a great lady. You seem to sail through your life, mishaps included and always emerge with a smile on your face.
Hugs
Kat
Comment from Treesaw
Okay, my dear Beth, this is an order! Please select your best "memories", insert a few poems for chapter dividers or something, use your own photos and get this book published. I can't be alone in my delight every time your name pops up. Your stuff is wonderful, soothing, humorous, and a very good way to end a hectic day. You're kind of like Erma Bombeck. maybe not as comedic, but I don't want comedy all the time. I'd love curling up on my couch in the evening or on a lazy afternoon and read your anecdotes.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
|
Okay, my dear Beth, this is an order! Please select your best "memories", insert a few poems for chapter dividers or something, use your own photos and get this book published. I can't be alone in my delight every time your name pops up. Your stuff is wonderful, soothing, humorous, and a very good way to end a hectic day. You're kind of like Erma Bombeck. maybe not as comedic, but I don't want comedy all the time. I'd love curling up on my couch in the evening or on a lazy afternoon and read your anecdotes.
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
-
Treesaw, you have such gracious words to say in your reviews. You really know how to inflate my ego. I certainly do appreciate your reviews. I am going to do what you suggest but I am a proscrastinator and I dread all those rejection notices.
Beth
-
Don't i know! I have enough rejection letters to paper my living room. But just think of the guy/gal who turned down J.K. Rowling. Can you imaging? Off with his head! :-) You can't put it off. Especially in today's world, we need wholesome, witty, refreshing reading material. Do it!
Comment from shygirl21
I thought this was a very humorous and enjoyable read. Something always goes wrong on the holiday's!
Thankfully I have never had an accident like that (knock on wood) but I did show up one Christmas without any presents, I was extremely hung over and had left them 40 miles away at home lol.
Great job here.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
|
I thought this was a very humorous and enjoyable read. Something always goes wrong on the holiday's!
Thankfully I have never had an accident like that (knock on wood) but I did show up one Christmas without any presents, I was extremely hung over and had left them 40 miles away at home lol.
Great job here.
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing. That is funny that you showed up without presents. You'll always remember that Christmas as well.
Beth
Comment from hagalaz
This story made me laugh out loud several times. I work in a hospital and know how irritating doctors can be and how annoying it is to just sit and wait. This is a beautifully written story and I enjoyed every minute of it.
The only thing I wasn't sure of was the last paragraph. I might have opened with this paragraph and then continued to the story you wanted to tell. But that is just my style; still an AWESOME STORY!!
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
|
This story made me laugh out loud several times. I work in a hospital and know how irritating doctors can be and how annoying it is to just sit and wait. This is a beautifully written story and I enjoyed every minute of it.
The only thing I wasn't sure of was the last paragraph. I might have opened with this paragraph and then continued to the story you wanted to tell. But that is just my style; still an AWESOME STORY!!
Comment Written 16-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
-
Hagalaz, I do appreciate your review and comments. I think you are probably right. It is better to tie the first and last paragraphs of story together. I may think about redoing that. Thanks for the suggestion.
Beth
Comment from zydecosal
Oh, that rotten doctor. Putting a plaster cast on when he could have put a removeable cast on. Actually, the plaster cast was better in the long run. Not being able to remove it allowed the healing to not be aggravated. I'm back in a removeable cast because of the partial rupture in my left Achilles tendon. Have been laid up for 7 months. Had a setback 6 weeks ago, and another one 3 weeks ago. I'll have to be in it for 2 -3 months. I don't even care. Tendons take a year to heal and I'm not going to have anymore setbacks. This has messed up my life bigtime.
Your story is great. You do a really good job spinning a tale. Keep it up.
Sally
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
|
Oh, that rotten doctor. Putting a plaster cast on when he could have put a removeable cast on. Actually, the plaster cast was better in the long run. Not being able to remove it allowed the healing to not be aggravated. I'm back in a removeable cast because of the partial rupture in my left Achilles tendon. Have been laid up for 7 months. Had a setback 6 weeks ago, and another one 3 weeks ago. I'll have to be in it for 2 -3 months. I don't even care. Tendons take a year to heal and I'm not going to have anymore setbacks. This has messed up my life bigtime.
Your story is great. You do a really good job spinning a tale. Keep it up.
Sally
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
Sally, I am sorry you are having problems with your heel. It is no fun. I can't imagine being laid up 7 months. I'll bet it has messed up your life big time. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Beth
Comment from ibex
Very good humor writing; quick and precise in both imagery and action. The hospital scene is particularly merry and told with such offhand grace as to be memorable.
My only criticism is the closing line, where the humor of the piece is not sustained.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
|
Very good humor writing; quick and precise in both imagery and action. The hospital scene is particularly merry and told with such offhand grace as to be memorable.
My only criticism is the closing line, where the humor of the piece is not sustained.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
Thank you Ibex, I appreciate your review and your comments. I'll have to think about how to make the last line work.
Beth
Comment from Jazh
lol Oh, you poor thing! You must *dread* special days. You have written this with fluency and humour. The only suggestion I have is to clarify this sentence: " I was starving since I had eaten since the night before,[space]and" - as I hadn't eaten since the night? I enjoyed it greatly. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
|
lol Oh, you poor thing! You must *dread* special days. You have written this with fluency and humour. The only suggestion I have is to clarify this sentence: " I was starving since I had eaten since the night before,[space]and" - as I hadn't eaten since the night? I enjoyed it greatly. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
-
Jazh, Thank for the review and the nice comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I have fixed the spag. I appreciate you pointing it out.
Beth
