Comment from cherry_rose

Excellent

A good selection of format for the words you used. They do a very effective job of describing how jealousy comes to be an overriding emotion.

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009

Comment from RG Hamilton

Excellent

I really like where you are going with this but I wonder about some of the wording. I tried to figure out two of the lines so they made sense to me.

"corrodes one's basic needs"

Is this what you meant? I can see it that way but kept wanting to say something else like;

"corrodes one's honest needs"

The corrosion of honest needs seems more sinister as basic needs still brings to mind food,water,shelter in my simple mind.

Also, in the last line you say;


"wanton while remaining empty"

The definition of Wanton is "lustful" and the "while" seems to imply that emptiness is unexpected whereas, I think it follows that lust is empty. Is it the lustful urge that leaves one empty? Or, is it "Wanton desire remains empty"

I think I get what you are saying and I am loathe to criticize at all based on your rank but, I want to be true as well.

Finally, let me say that I do love this piece and judging by your profile I am very impressed at the depth of your understanding at your relatively young age. I am sure that this work is fine as is but wanted to contribute another perspective if I may be so bold.

I absolutely love the picture you've chosen and the poem is without doubt an excellent offering. Please forgive my diatribe.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention that I thought the other lines in the piece are superb.

WANT
covet
blind desire

For example is just perfect as is;

while seizing and choking truth

I hope that I am being helpful. I really do love your work.

Robert

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009

---

reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009

Robert, y

Your critique was very helpful.

The word "basic" did not sit well with me as I wrote this late last night. And it does sound too much like food, water, shelter. So, I changed that line to put in "cardinal needs", which means "of the greatest importance or fundamental". And putting 'cardinal' in there also gave a nice bit of alliteration.

As far as the definition of "wanton", it also means doing things with abandon and being destructive. Here are a few synonyms I have found:

motiveless, arbitrary, groundless, unjustifiable, needless, unnecessary, uncalled for, senseless, pointless, purposeless, meaningless, empty

So, the last line means one being on a destructive path, searching and coveting so many other things in life, yet, all the while, remaining empty. Which jealousy does do to people.

But, you helped my poem immensely and I really appreciate your very close read and for taking the time to critique so well. It's MUCH better now!

With warmest regards,
Sue

reply by RG Hamilton on 31-Mar-2009

Wow, I reread your piece and I love it. I also appreciate your explanation of the last line for me...a bit slow sometimes, but now I get it. I love what you've done with this. Awesome job.

reply by the author on 31-Mar-2009

And once again, thank you for helping me make it better! Excellent, honest way to critique. Much appreciated!

Sue

Comment from NightWriter

Excellent

"Want" is another beautifully written poem that paints a picture of jealousy. This is my first look at a Clarity poem. Well done.

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009

Comment from glacierbabe

Excellent

Way to go, Sue. Excellent. The only kind of poem I know how to write is a regular one. (whatever regular is LOL) This is very well written. Best of luck in the contest. Cheryl :)

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009

Comment from enjoi

Excellent

I'm thinking a bit on this one. That format, i haven't seen that before, it was an interesting approach to the intent of the poem, and i think you pretty much nailed what you to say on the them. Rather good, as per usual

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Superb!
This is a very intelligent and perceptive write on the subject and presented with CLARITY..

True to form clarity pyramid.

Brilliant response to the contest, Sue.

The last two lines are especially impressive

while seizing and choking truth

"wanton while remaining empty"



Warm Regards,
rama devi

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009

Comment from MJMuraco

Excellent

Sue, nice job on this. Jealousy is such a terrible emotion. People don't realize what they have. In such a shor t poem you have said a lot.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 31-Mar-2009