What You Don't Know
A surprise during a meeting in a moonlit park.37 total reviews
Comment from nor84
This must be the story you wanted me to look at.
I really like all the movement and description in that first paragraph. It's very well-done.
In the second paragraph, you want a comma after "as he paced." You don't need a question mark after "left" because it isn't really a question. It's a statement. I suggest having his heart flutter rather than stutter, which usually involves sound.
You wrote: She fit in his arms perfectly, neither too tall or too -- this sentence is fine, except for one thing. When you use "neither" you cannot use "or"; you have to say "nor."
You wrote: Brandon?s breath caught as the moonlight silvered her exquisite features, making them seem even paler than they were.-- I suggest adding a little more. You probably mean that her features seemed paler than they usually were.
I wasn't sure rather you actually meant tenor of her voice, or timbre. Tenor is a certain sound, usually male. Made me think of the three tenors, or an Irish tenor. Timbre also pertains to sound.
Instead of "in spite of" you might use "despite." It means the same thing, but it's shorter. I notice you used "in spite of" later on, so I definitely used despite here.
I'd take out "she ventured". There are only two people in the scene, so when she says Brandon, we know who spoke in the person she spoke to. There's no tag needed, and ventured is not a good one.
When she says "... but I'm not sure how", take out the ellipsis and in the sentence with a period. Her voice didn't really trail off, which is what the ellipsis is for, because she finished the sentence. If it were me, after she makes that statement and looks into his eyes, I'd switch to a new paragraph and talk about what he's thinking and feeling. I don't think you can really combine "she whispered, looking into his eyes, searching for something he hoped she would find."
You wrote: When he didn?t it was his turn -- you need a comma after didn't.
You wrote: She shook her head, watching him as he tried to grasp what she was telling him. As much as she didn?t want to do it, she decided she had to. There was no other way to convince him.
Standing up, she turned her face so it was bathed in moonlight and allowed the demon inside to come to the fore.-- these two sections belong in the same paragraph, since they are all in her point of view. I'd start
With "Brandon's jaw dropped", and stay in his point of view for a few minutes, I'd take out "when she was sure he'd seen enough, she morphed back." That could be moved down to where you switch to her point of view again, when she says "no"
You wrote: ?Other vampires won?t have anything to do with those of us who don?t kill." -- so far, for grammar has been fine. You need to make this doesn't kill to keep it that way.
You wrote: He looked away and nodded jerkily.--"jerkily" has an ugly sound, and it's an adverb. You should avoid those when you can. I suggest just having him nod.
"lungfuls" isn't a word. I'd having draw air deep into his lungs, filling them or some such thing.
Her unusual bale blue eyes --pale blue
You wrote: Mesmerized by her incredible sex appeal, it took a moment for her words to register-- there's a problem with the sentence structure. The only noun in the sentence (presumably the subject) is "words." That isn't right, so you need to say " he was so mesmerized by her incredible sex appeal, that it took a moment for her words to register." That makes the protagonist, and not "words" the subject of the sentence.
Yeah, well, I?m between girlfriends right now, so, not an option-- I'd take out the comma after "so", but did you mean "not an option?" That seems to be the opposite of what you meant, because it would mean that he didn't have the option of flirting back with her. I think you meant "not a problem."
It would be better to say "he looked down at her, undecided" indecisive seemed out of place to me.
You wrote: She chuckled, a husky, sexy slip of a sound that ratcheted up the sexual tension, and moved closer. -- I suggest you have her move, and then chuckle. The part about sexual tension and all that is great, but it's broken up when you have to say at the end of the sentence that she moved closer.
The change out of the flashback isn't smooth. The reader is in the past, learning how they met, and suddenly he's back in the present making up his mind. The writings great, it's the transition that is stalled. It would help if the last two sentences of the flashback were written in past perfect tense. "I like you," she had whispered. Brandon had looked into her crystalline eyes and been lost. And then make a wide space between that paragraph and the one that starts "in the end". I would move "he loved her" to the end of the previous paragraph.
You wrote: She stopped mid-stride when he stepped into the clearing. When -- that's a close repeat of "when."
Excellent story, Red. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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This must be the story you wanted me to look at.
I really like all the movement and description in that first paragraph. It's very well-done.
In the second paragraph, you want a comma after "as he paced." You don't need a question mark after "left" because it isn't really a question. It's a statement. I suggest having his heart flutter rather than stutter, which usually involves sound.
You wrote: She fit in his arms perfectly, neither too tall or too -- this sentence is fine, except for one thing. When you use "neither" you cannot use "or"; you have to say "nor."
You wrote: Brandon?s breath caught as the moonlight silvered her exquisite features, making them seem even paler than they were.-- I suggest adding a little more. You probably mean that her features seemed paler than they usually were.
I wasn't sure rather you actually meant tenor of her voice, or timbre. Tenor is a certain sound, usually male. Made me think of the three tenors, or an Irish tenor. Timbre also pertains to sound.
Instead of "in spite of" you might use "despite." It means the same thing, but it's shorter. I notice you used "in spite of" later on, so I definitely used despite here.
I'd take out "she ventured". There are only two people in the scene, so when she says Brandon, we know who spoke in the person she spoke to. There's no tag needed, and ventured is not a good one.
When she says "... but I'm not sure how", take out the ellipsis and in the sentence with a period. Her voice didn't really trail off, which is what the ellipsis is for, because she finished the sentence. If it were me, after she makes that statement and looks into his eyes, I'd switch to a new paragraph and talk about what he's thinking and feeling. I don't think you can really combine "she whispered, looking into his eyes, searching for something he hoped she would find."
You wrote: When he didn?t it was his turn -- you need a comma after didn't.
You wrote: She shook her head, watching him as he tried to grasp what she was telling him. As much as she didn?t want to do it, she decided she had to. There was no other way to convince him.
Standing up, she turned her face so it was bathed in moonlight and allowed the demon inside to come to the fore.-- these two sections belong in the same paragraph, since they are all in her point of view. I'd start
With "Brandon's jaw dropped", and stay in his point of view for a few minutes, I'd take out "when she was sure he'd seen enough, she morphed back." That could be moved down to where you switch to her point of view again, when she says "no"
You wrote: ?Other vampires won?t have anything to do with those of us who don?t kill." -- so far, for grammar has been fine. You need to make this doesn't kill to keep it that way.
You wrote: He looked away and nodded jerkily.--"jerkily" has an ugly sound, and it's an adverb. You should avoid those when you can. I suggest just having him nod.
"lungfuls" isn't a word. I'd having draw air deep into his lungs, filling them or some such thing.
Her unusual bale blue eyes --pale blue
You wrote: Mesmerized by her incredible sex appeal, it took a moment for her words to register-- there's a problem with the sentence structure. The only noun in the sentence (presumably the subject) is "words." That isn't right, so you need to say " he was so mesmerized by her incredible sex appeal, that it took a moment for her words to register." That makes the protagonist, and not "words" the subject of the sentence.
Yeah, well, I?m between girlfriends right now, so, not an option-- I'd take out the comma after "so", but did you mean "not an option?" That seems to be the opposite of what you meant, because it would mean that he didn't have the option of flirting back with her. I think you meant "not a problem."
It would be better to say "he looked down at her, undecided" indecisive seemed out of place to me.
You wrote: She chuckled, a husky, sexy slip of a sound that ratcheted up the sexual tension, and moved closer. -- I suggest you have her move, and then chuckle. The part about sexual tension and all that is great, but it's broken up when you have to say at the end of the sentence that she moved closer.
The change out of the flashback isn't smooth. The reader is in the past, learning how they met, and suddenly he's back in the present making up his mind. The writings great, it's the transition that is stalled. It would help if the last two sentences of the flashback were written in past perfect tense. "I like you," she had whispered. Brandon had looked into her crystalline eyes and been lost. And then make a wide space between that paragraph and the one that starts "in the end". I would move "he loved her" to the end of the previous paragraph.
You wrote: She stopped mid-stride when he stepped into the clearing. When -- that's a close repeat of "when."
Excellent story, Red. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Awesome review, nor. Thank you so much. I don't have time to go through all that right now, but I will definitely sit down with it this evening and take a look at it. I can't say I agree with all of it, but you probably don't want to know which parts I disagree with. I really appreciate all the time and thought you put into the review, and the kind words at the end as well. Thanks again.
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It's OK if you don't agree, Red. I don't expect that you will.
Comment from nitad
I'm not sure why you thought this needed a lock & key, because it looks very polished to me. Well written, you have done an excellent job of capturing the intensity of their physical attraction for one another. I thought Nicolette's revelation was also handled very well.
As for the flashback, no I don't think it needs to be moved to the beginning, I actually think it is in the perfect spot. It acts as a transition as Brandon works through his emotions, bringing him to the realization that he loves her regardless.
An excellent love story! Is this the beginning of a new book perhaps? I definitely think it could be...
Take care,
Nita
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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I'm not sure why you thought this needed a lock & key, because it looks very polished to me. Well written, you have done an excellent job of capturing the intensity of their physical attraction for one another. I thought Nicolette's revelation was also handled very well.
As for the flashback, no I don't think it needs to be moved to the beginning, I actually think it is in the perfect spot. It acts as a transition as Brandon works through his emotions, bringing him to the realization that he loves her regardless.
An excellent love story! Is this the beginning of a new book perhaps? I definitely think it could be...
Take care,
Nita
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Oh, thank you so much, nita. I really appreciate the sweet review and the encouraging words. As for a book...I dunno, I'll have to think about it. That is a very interesting idea.
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I believe you have done an excellent job with this story; it moved so flawless that I wouldn't change the order in any way -- that's just me. True, each trying to give to the other what they need. A great write, setting the standards high for the others. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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I believe you have done an excellent job with this story; it moved so flawless that I wouldn't change the order in any way -- that's just me. True, each trying to give to the other what they need. A great write, setting the standards high for the others. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Thanks so much, PT, appreciate the encouraging words. They especially mean a lot coming from you, a fellow vampire lover.
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I'm surprised you knew I wrote a story or two about vampires.
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I have reviewed at least one of your vampire stories. You are really quite good, if a bit rough.
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That why I'm here, to work the roughiness in my writing.
Comment from JuliePal
Hi there!
I think you've got a good romance here...but I didn't feel the intensity of their love in the beginning...not quite enough for him to just accept what she had to say. It seemed as though he was waiting for a new love, someone he'd just met and so I couldn't quite grasp that he'd be so accepting the next day...that's totally just my opinion. I'd start with a bit more intensity, show us how much he is madly in love with her in a short paragraph and then flashback to when they'd met, how she'd made him feel, how she'd changed him and how she'd made him want to be a better man...something strong enough that he'd want to enter her "world"...if that makes sense. You have some head hopping too, which is a bit distracting. For this, I'd leave it totally in his POV...get his sense of the terrifying thought that the woman he's madly in love with is not who he thought her to be. It's almost too easy, if that makes sense. I hope this doesn't make you think I didn't like this...just the opposite! Just some ideas and all just my humble opinion.
Great read!
Julie
?Whoa,? he chuckled
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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Hi there!
I think you've got a good romance here...but I didn't feel the intensity of their love in the beginning...not quite enough for him to just accept what she had to say. It seemed as though he was waiting for a new love, someone he'd just met and so I couldn't quite grasp that he'd be so accepting the next day...that's totally just my opinion. I'd start with a bit more intensity, show us how much he is madly in love with her in a short paragraph and then flashback to when they'd met, how she'd made him feel, how she'd changed him and how she'd made him want to be a better man...something strong enough that he'd want to enter her "world"...if that makes sense. You have some head hopping too, which is a bit distracting. For this, I'd leave it totally in his POV...get his sense of the terrifying thought that the woman he's madly in love with is not who he thought her to be. It's almost too easy, if that makes sense. I hope this doesn't make you think I didn't like this...just the opposite! Just some ideas and all just my humble opinion.
Great read!
Julie
?Whoa,? he chuckled
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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thanks so much, I really appreciate your honesty and your thoughts regarding how I can improve
Comment from Lady & Louis
Well, this didn't need to go into L&K, y'know! It's a polished piece, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked the way there was some ambiguity about who was the vampire. Even the descriptions of Nicolette's pallor and coolness could have simply described a mortal woman on a chilly night.
To answer your question, no, I don't think the flashback should go to the start. It's more important to get the story going, and I think it would be too simplistic to make it boy meets girl, boy finds out girl is vampire, boy has crisis, in the order. It works better as it is.
I liked Brandon and Nicolette's characters, and the conflict at the end - will they, won't they, with the turning? - is good, and better for being unresolved. Relationships have to develop, and one with the potential to last forever, even more so!
There was one sentence that I think needed a tweak:
"His jaw dropped as her eyes turned golden" - I'd be inclined to make this "Brandon's jaw dropped" - it just reads oddly after the previous sentence as "his", like the pronoun doesn't belong.
And I think I'd delete this one, or reconfigure it, from their last meeting. The French kiss was pretty fully described in the first section, and to me it's overkill to describe it again.
"Whimpering, she strained closer and he opened his mouth to allow her tongue to sweep in, exploring and tangling with his."
Very minor considerations for a fine story, though - the pacing, atmosphere and characterisation (and conversation) are all very good indeed. Good luck in the contest!
Louise :)
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Well, this didn't need to go into L&K, y'know! It's a polished piece, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked the way there was some ambiguity about who was the vampire. Even the descriptions of Nicolette's pallor and coolness could have simply described a mortal woman on a chilly night.
To answer your question, no, I don't think the flashback should go to the start. It's more important to get the story going, and I think it would be too simplistic to make it boy meets girl, boy finds out girl is vampire, boy has crisis, in the order. It works better as it is.
I liked Brandon and Nicolette's characters, and the conflict at the end - will they, won't they, with the turning? - is good, and better for being unresolved. Relationships have to develop, and one with the potential to last forever, even more so!
There was one sentence that I think needed a tweak:
"His jaw dropped as her eyes turned golden" - I'd be inclined to make this "Brandon's jaw dropped" - it just reads oddly after the previous sentence as "his", like the pronoun doesn't belong.
And I think I'd delete this one, or reconfigure it, from their last meeting. The French kiss was pretty fully described in the first section, and to me it's overkill to describe it again.
"Whimpering, she strained closer and he opened his mouth to allow her tongue to sweep in, exploring and tangling with his."
Very minor considerations for a fine story, though - the pacing, atmosphere and characterisation (and conversation) are all very good indeed. Good luck in the contest!
Louise :)
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Awww, thank you so much for the thorough, encouraging review. And especially thanks for the tweaks, I will definitely go take a look at those. You're a peach!
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My pleasure, hon!
Louise :)))
Comment from Zaphod
Excellent story. I almost knew that when she touched him for the first time and she was cool that there was something off about her.
As to the question that you pose about the flashback. Yes, I think that you could extend it. I was actually going to comment that it felt a little rushed. She comes on so hard, was she planning on having a snack? Maybe mellow out her lust by adding more intrigue by him. After all Vampires are supposed to be irresistible. Perhaps go into the feelings she fights internally about the want to drain him and then hint at the fact that she had given up human blood. Hunger vs. Morals (if you will). Something along those lines.
Still a real enjoyable piece.
Good work.
Z
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Excellent story. I almost knew that when she touched him for the first time and she was cool that there was something off about her.
As to the question that you pose about the flashback. Yes, I think that you could extend it. I was actually going to comment that it felt a little rushed. She comes on so hard, was she planning on having a snack? Maybe mellow out her lust by adding more intrigue by him. After all Vampires are supposed to be irresistible. Perhaps go into the feelings she fights internally about the want to drain him and then hint at the fact that she had given up human blood. Hunger vs. Morals (if you will). Something along those lines.
Still a real enjoyable piece.
Good work.
Z
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Oh, wow, thank you so much for the great review, and an even bigger thank you for the suggestion. I really appreciate it.
Comment from PrincessinPurple
This story is good. I like vampire romance story. I think you write good Vampire romance story. I don't see any revision needed. I think the flashback is fine where it is at right now.
Excellent Vampire Romance Story!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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This story is good. I like vampire romance story. I think you write good Vampire romance story. I don't see any revision needed. I think the flashback is fine where it is at right now.
Excellent Vampire Romance Story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2008
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Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
