Flight
Medical Diagnosis40 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This dribble flash seems to point to a doctor with little compasion. I seems he might take his time to process the bad news he gave his fleeing patient before actioning like people are part of an assembly line. Nicely created dribble flash.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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This dribble flash seems to point to a doctor with little compasion. I seems he might take his time to process the bad news he gave his fleeing patient before actioning like people are part of an assembly line. Nicely created dribble flash.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Beth! I paint a very impersonal picture here which, of course, isn't always the case. The table shouldn't have been there for a start, dividing patient from doctor. And the call "Next!" intended to be from a none too compassionate receptionist. As ever, I really appreciate your thoughts, Debbie x
Comment from Jim Wile
This was an interesting, brief story. It's not important what her diagnosis was in regard to; the emphasis here was on her reaction to it, and you caught it very well. It was something she dreaded, and it came to fruition. Unable to face it, she flees, not wanting to hear anything more about it.
That's so often the case with many folks, when, if only they would listen, they might find out there is something positive that can be taken from the diagnosis. A thought-provoking little story. - Jim
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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This was an interesting, brief story. It's not important what her diagnosis was in regard to; the emphasis here was on her reaction to it, and you caught it very well. It was something she dreaded, and it came to fruition. Unable to face it, she flees, not wanting to hear anything more about it.
That's so often the case with many folks, when, if only they would listen, they might find out there is something positive that can be taken from the diagnosis. A thought-provoking little story. - Jim
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Jim! You nailed it completely. A totally impersonal and insensitive appointment (the table shouldn't have divided doctor and patient for a start). As ever, I really appreciate your thoughts. Take care Debbie
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written. Written as someone who bore witness.
"Next" is so dismissive painfully so. I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry that that may also sound dismissive. It is not my intent.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Well written. Written as someone who bore witness.
"Next" is so dismissive painfully so. I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry that that may also sound dismissive. It is not my intent.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Wayne, for this exceptional review and thoughts. You absolutely nailed the impression I was trying to create and the table shouldn't have been there either. Thanks again for your time and care, Debbie
Comment from JSD
Lovely intriguing writing. A great Flash piece of only 50 words. Well done. I love the poetry of your description and the twist of the knife of the last word. I find myself wondering if it's the doctor calling 'next', or God? Hmm. Intriguing double possibility.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Lovely intriguing writing. A great Flash piece of only 50 words. Well done. I love the poetry of your description and the twist of the knife of the last word. I find myself wondering if it's the doctor calling 'next', or God? Hmm. Intriguing double possibility.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Wow, you are so deep! God, if you like. But I really was thinking about one of those mean, cold receptionists I often come across. Thanks for nailing it in your lovely review, Debbie
Comment from Sally Law
A powerful dribble flash, my friend. I know this feeling of bad news and the need to take flight.
Sending you my best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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A powerful dribble flash, my friend. I know this feeling of bad news and the need to take flight.
Sending you my best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal XOs
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Sally! I really appreciate your thoughts here and hope the story doesn't resonate with you too sadly. It certainly happened to me, too, although I stuck determinedly to the seat on that occasion. Bless you for your time and wishes. Debbie x
Comment from Jesse James Doty
This dribble fiction is interesting. The ending leaves no clue as to why the person was positive on a test I presume. Could it be they were found positive for HIV? In other words, AIDS. Or were they found positive for some other communicable disease such as any type of disease spread by fluids? Or were they found to be positive for pregnancy?
The mind boggles at the results and why she ran out of the room is anyone's guess.
So, this must be the twist of the brief tale.
Well, I'm baffled.
Jesse
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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This dribble fiction is interesting. The ending leaves no clue as to why the person was positive on a test I presume. Could it be they were found positive for HIV? In other words, AIDS. Or were they found positive for some other communicable disease such as any type of disease spread by fluids? Or were they found to be positive for pregnancy?
The mind boggles at the results and why she ran out of the room is anyone's guess.
So, this must be the twist of the brief tale.
Well, I'm baffled.
Jesse
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Jesse, for your kind review and thoughts! The story could be about any test coming back positive but, in this case, obviously one with serious implications. I've tried to capture the impersonal nature of some doctor's surgeries. For instance, if the news is really bleak, the setting should be more relaxed and informal (no table separating doctor from patient). And the "Next!" I'm afraid is my experience of some very cold and detached receptionists calling in the next patient. (I know this isn't everyone's experience). Thanks again for your time and consideration, Debbie
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I'm sorry. I did not get the insensitivity of the doctor's office in this post.
Jesse
Comment from jmdg1954
Debbie...
What a powerful story in do few words. Kudos my dear!
This line to me had a tremendous impact on the story, especially setting the stage :
I sat, marooned, the other side of his large, forbidding table.
Marooned... great choice of word to describe one's feeling.
Then the last line, "Next"... an assembly line at the clinic.
Great post for the contest. You will top mine for sure.
John
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Debbie...
What a powerful story in do few words. Kudos my dear!
This line to me had a tremendous impact on the story, especially setting the stage :
I sat, marooned, the other side of his large, forbidding table.
Marooned... great choice of word to describe one's feeling.
Then the last line, "Next"... an assembly line at the clinic.
Great post for the contest. You will top mine for sure.
John
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, John, for this exceptional review and your kind thoughts which I greatly appreciate! I actually can't believe it would top yours but still. You've absolutely nailed it here in your interpretation, so thank you again. Debbie
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I take it this person is receiving a medical diagnosis given "positive results". Your last line is simple and to the point, "Next!" Which is a statement of how many people are receiving bad news about their health these days. Will they all flee from the room in response?
I'm not sure you need dire and dread together, dread would do. He's at a table and not a desk? Is that to create separation between your protagonist and the doctor?
I certainly understand where you're going with this. Doctors' offices do seem like assembly lines these days.
Good luck in the contest.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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I take it this person is receiving a medical diagnosis given "positive results". Your last line is simple and to the point, "Next!" Which is a statement of how many people are receiving bad news about their health these days. Will they all flee from the room in response?
I'm not sure you need dire and dread together, dread would do. He's at a table and not a desk? Is that to create separation between your protagonist and the doctor?
I certainly understand where you're going with this. Doctors' offices do seem like assembly lines these days.
Good luck in the contest.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Pam, for your kind review and all the care and consideration you've put into this post. You're right of course, I could have put desk so will re-consider. I think I was just thinking of a very large barrier (Obviously, if the news was very bad, the setting should have been far less formal with, probably, a relative or friend there). I also agree I might be over-egging it with the dire and dread. Thank you so much for your suggestions, Pam. No wonder you're such a great story-writer! You don't let anything slip through your skilful grasp:)) Debbie x
Comment from Debra White
Hello Debbie :)
Your dribble flash is well written and engaging and brings to life the flight response of someone receiving devastating news from the doctor. You take us on the outpatient's emotional rollercoaster with your choice of words describing their emotions - dread, dazed, numb and your description of how they see their environment is clear.
For consideration:
You have exactly 50 words (I checked!) but there appears to be a word missing in the first paragraph - 'With dire dread, I sat, marooned, (on) the other side of his large, forbidding table.'
By including the word 'on' and altering the punctuation to accommodate that inclusion to the above sentence, then changing 'As I wove' to Weaving in your last paragraph, you are still within the required word count.
Hope you don't think I'm interfering!
Best wishes as always, Debra :) x
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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Hello Debbie :)
Your dribble flash is well written and engaging and brings to life the flight response of someone receiving devastating news from the doctor. You take us on the outpatient's emotional rollercoaster with your choice of words describing their emotions - dread, dazed, numb and your description of how they see their environment is clear.
For consideration:
You have exactly 50 words (I checked!) but there appears to be a word missing in the first paragraph - 'With dire dread, I sat, marooned, (on) the other side of his large, forbidding table.'
By including the word 'on' and altering the punctuation to accommodate that inclusion to the above sentence, then changing 'As I wove' to Weaving in your last paragraph, you are still within the required word count.
Hope you don't think I'm interfering!
Best wishes as always, Debra :) x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Thank you so much, Debra, for your kind review and excellent thoughts! It actually doesn't have to be exactly 50 words but I welcome any suggestion to improve. But I think it's ok to say this without adding 'on'? And I wanted it to sound as punchy as possible. I'm still thinking and would never think of you as interfering. Any input like this is very gratefully received. Bless you, Debbie x
Comment from Enrico Langfordino
I'm sorry for laughing Debbie LOL LOL but I found that rather funny. Although I can imagine how troubled a young woman might become on hearing the news ?? It was rather presumptuous of me to assume a difficult scenario !
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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I'm sorry for laughing Debbie LOL LOL but I found that rather funny. Although I can imagine how troubled a young woman might become on hearing the news ?? It was rather presumptuous of me to assume a difficult scenario !
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2023
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Oh Enrico, you shouldn't be laughing! You got it right the first time. She was fleeing out of abject fear of learning more. But, there again, you could interpret in a satirical sort of way. You've just got a wicked sense of humour. Thank you for sharing it:)) Debbie x
