The Return
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "The Return Chapter 21"Erotic Turmoil
34 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
An action packed chapter. I had to really search hard to find anything but here are three suggestions.
'...and already the October nights were drawing in. The drawing room door was open...' >> Although the two instances of 'drawing' have totally different meanings, I found their close proximity unsettling. Perhaps rewriting the second sentence to increase the separation might be a good idea:
'and already the October nights were drawing in. Miles stood for a moment watching her from the open door into the drawing room.'
'Or don't any of you lily-livered, spineless wimps have the guts to tell me?' >> According to Merriam Webster, the first known use of 'wimp' was in 1920. So I think you need to find another word - 'poltroons' perhaps.
'Get a hold of yourself, for crying out loud. (I've) [You've got to do this.]' >> He is talking to himself so he should keep both parts in the second person I think.
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
  |
An action packed chapter. I had to really search hard to find anything but here are three suggestions.
'...and already the October nights were drawing in. The drawing room door was open...' >> Although the two instances of 'drawing' have totally different meanings, I found their close proximity unsettling. Perhaps rewriting the second sentence to increase the separation might be a good idea:
'and already the October nights were drawing in. Miles stood for a moment watching her from the open door into the drawing room.'
'Or don't any of you lily-livered, spineless wimps have the guts to tell me?' >> According to Merriam Webster, the first known use of 'wimp' was in 1920. So I think you need to find another word - 'poltroons' perhaps.
'Get a hold of yourself, for crying out loud. (I've) [You've got to do this.]' >> He is talking to himself so he should keep both parts in the second person I think.
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
-
I never thought to look at 'wimp' I did for 'lily-livered' and that was used. Thanks so much for pointing that out, and for the double 'drawing' I'll go and sort those out now.
I am over the moon that you had to search hard for find any errors!! That really did make my day!! Thanks so much for this wonderful review and the golden star. I'm smiling big time now! Warm hug,s my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of your work reminisces Richard Crawley's bid to deny Miles the pleasure of getting married to Margot.
The work highlights the moody status Lady Crawley; Mile's visit to Margot to hint her of their nuptial knots; Richard Crawley's moves to destabilize the proposed marriage and how he seemingly appears to be achieving his aim by getting Lord Brandon riled up on hearing the news of the secretly proposed marriage.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes synonymous with family squabbles that constitute stumbling blocks to a successful union.
Exceptional work. Keep the flag flying.
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
|
The objective correlative of your work reminisces Richard Crawley's bid to deny Miles the pleasure of getting married to Margot.
The work highlights the moody status Lady Crawley; Mile's visit to Margot to hint her of their nuptial knots; Richard Crawley's moves to destabilize the proposed marriage and how he seemingly appears to be achieving his aim by getting Lord Brandon riled up on hearing the news of the secretly proposed marriage.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes synonymous with family squabbles that constitute stumbling blocks to a successful union.
Exceptional work. Keep the flag flying.
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
-
Thank you so much for this wonderful review, Lloyd, I really appreciated all your lovely comments. And a hugs thank you for the golden star! You are so kind. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this chapter. Warm hugs. :)) Sandra xx
-
Remain Blessed.
Comment from Jay Squires
A very important chapter, Sandra. Well done! I made a few comments below.
Bessie couldn't help laughing at her own little quip. [Hahaha, and I couldn't help laughing as well.]
Margot leaned sideways in order to look past Miles and see the box. [THese are the little movements that give your writing such authenticity. So many writers leave them out as unimportant. Happily, we have you.]
If only this was for me; if only it was me he loved... [For this and all italics you use, Sandra, try dialing them back one font size. That way, Margot's thoughts won't scream. You'll see I do that with my play. The regular character words are size 16 font, but italics I drop back to 14. Just a suggestion. To be ignored if the larger italics provide what you want.]
Margot had not expected these, not having seen them in the attic in her time. [Is this a clue? Why wouldn't they have been there?]
He gave a loud sigh as he sat and shook his head. [For the life of me, I can't see why you need, "and shook his head". I can't help but connect it with the next paragraph's lead sentence: "'I had to come and clear my head before I travel home,'" I don't think that you intended "clearing his head" and "shaking his head" to be connected, did you?]
Before he could put his glass back on the table, Lord Brandon grabbed the front of Richard's shirt, and pulled him out of his chair. [Good action! I don't know, though, whether I will be the only one wondering what happened to the drink. I'm imagining it sloshing all over the place, but get no confirmation of it.]
He let go of Richard, who fell back against the table, spilling his brandy down his shirt. [Well, here's one answer, but I'm not sure if follows, mechanically or logically. I believe it should have been shown when Richard and his drink were first jerked around.]
Wow! What an ending for the chapter! A great job throughout!
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
|
A very important chapter, Sandra. Well done! I made a few comments below.
Bessie couldn't help laughing at her own little quip. [Hahaha, and I couldn't help laughing as well.]
Margot leaned sideways in order to look past Miles and see the box. [THese are the little movements that give your writing such authenticity. So many writers leave them out as unimportant. Happily, we have you.]
If only this was for me; if only it was me he loved... [For this and all italics you use, Sandra, try dialing them back one font size. That way, Margot's thoughts won't scream. You'll see I do that with my play. The regular character words are size 16 font, but italics I drop back to 14. Just a suggestion. To be ignored if the larger italics provide what you want.]
Margot had not expected these, not having seen them in the attic in her time. [Is this a clue? Why wouldn't they have been there?]
He gave a loud sigh as he sat and shook his head. [For the life of me, I can't see why you need, "and shook his head". I can't help but connect it with the next paragraph's lead sentence: "'I had to come and clear my head before I travel home,'" I don't think that you intended "clearing his head" and "shaking his head" to be connected, did you?]
Before he could put his glass back on the table, Lord Brandon grabbed the front of Richard's shirt, and pulled him out of his chair. [Good action! I don't know, though, whether I will be the only one wondering what happened to the drink. I'm imagining it sloshing all over the place, but get no confirmation of it.]
He let go of Richard, who fell back against the table, spilling his brandy down his shirt. [Well, here's one answer, but I'm not sure if follows, mechanically or logically. I believe it should have been shown when Richard and his drink were first jerked around.]
Wow! What an ending for the chapter! A great job throughout!
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
-
Thank you so very much, Jay, for this incredible, helpful review! I've done what you suggested and changed the italics to a smaller size and it looks so much better. I've also put the spilt brandy where he pulls Richard out the chair. You were right about that and it was such a stupid thing for me to get wrong!! You're review is wonderful, my friend. Thank you so very much!! Love and hugs, Sandra x
-
Awwww, I'm glad I was helpful.
Comment from lancellot
Good chapter, well crafted. yes, she forgot completely about the letter, who wouldn't under those times, nature sweeps all concerns away, in passion's wake.
Love the final scene. Yes, everyone knows a rumor or the truth, but few have the guts to speak it to the powerful.
Great ending. Just like the final beeps of a heart monitor... Brilliant idea.
You - ^ -- ^ -- ^-- murdering --^---- ^---- bit------
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
|
Good chapter, well crafted. yes, she forgot completely about the letter, who wouldn't under those times, nature sweeps all concerns away, in passion's wake.
Love the final scene. Yes, everyone knows a rumor or the truth, but few have the guts to speak it to the powerful.
Great ending. Just like the final beeps of a heart monitor... Brilliant idea.
You - ^ -- ^ -- ^-- murdering --^---- ^---- bit------
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 22-May-2022
-
Thank you so much, Lancellot, for this amazing review and the golden star. I'm so pleased you knew what my attempt at a heart monitor was! Lol. Thank you, you've made my day! Warm hugs, Sandra xx