Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Betrayal Chapter 35"In the title.
34 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Oh dear, Sandra, things very nearly got out of hand here, and it could easily have cost Tania her life not to mention the mother and baby. That Colin just doesn't stop at nothing. To think that his mother is in it as well, is amazing. What a great story you're writing. Well done, my friend. Ulla xxxx
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2021
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Oh dear, Sandra, things very nearly got out of hand here, and it could easily have cost Tania her life not to mention the mother and baby. That Colin just doesn't stop at nothing. To think that his mother is in it as well, is amazing. What a great story you're writing. Well done, my friend. Ulla xxxx
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, Ulla, and for the six stars. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. I think I have to plod on now and get this book finished. :( Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Sanku
Phew! I held my breath as I finished reading it. The enemy has come near and they have to take care of themselves .grant realised that Tania is much more to him than her designs.Very well done!
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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Phew! I held my breath as I finished reading it. The enemy has come near and they have to take care of themselves .grant realised that Tania is much more to him than her designs.Very well done!
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Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Aw, thank you, Sanku, for your really lovely review. I really appreciate your kind words. Yes, Grant must do something about it, too. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from elchupakabra
'I don't want your money! I told you to move away from the bloody bed, not come closer to me!( ) As if realising he was losing control, / missing quotation
Both men realised how easily, and how close they had come to losing the people they loved. / This line bothers me because it is actually the crux of what just happened but it's a throwaway line - linger in the moment - 'The two men cradled their women, their shoulders drooped with relief and as they held their loved ones dear, their eyes met. They held their gaze for a while, saying nothing but understanding everything; that they had each nearly lost the love of their lives.'
The other big note is that I find that at times the dialogue can be too similar to the prose and whenever this happens for me personally it takes away from the natural flow that is/would be a conversation.
'I suggest you start talking, my man, before I totally lose it! What in hell's name was all that about? And don't think you can fob me off with a pack of lies, either!' - This was the one that was most jarring to me, especially because the person is supposed to be emotional and I think there's a common pitfall to want to complicate this speech, almost to have it like a monologue.
'I'm about to lose it so somebody start talking! What the hell was that about? And don't try and sell me, I was born at night not last night!' or
'What the hell's goin' on - somebody start talking before I f'n lose it!'
Just some friendly suggestions, I still thought the chapter overall was good. Keep up the great work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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'I don't want your money! I told you to move away from the bloody bed, not come closer to me!( ) As if realising he was losing control, / missing quotation
Both men realised how easily, and how close they had come to losing the people they loved. / This line bothers me because it is actually the crux of what just happened but it's a throwaway line - linger in the moment - 'The two men cradled their women, their shoulders drooped with relief and as they held their loved ones dear, their eyes met. They held their gaze for a while, saying nothing but understanding everything; that they had each nearly lost the love of their lives.'
The other big note is that I find that at times the dialogue can be too similar to the prose and whenever this happens for me personally it takes away from the natural flow that is/would be a conversation.
'I suggest you start talking, my man, before I totally lose it! What in hell's name was all that about? And don't think you can fob me off with a pack of lies, either!' - This was the one that was most jarring to me, especially because the person is supposed to be emotional and I think there's a common pitfall to want to complicate this speech, almost to have it like a monologue.
'I'm about to lose it so somebody start talking! What the hell was that about? And don't try and sell me, I was born at night not last night!' or
'What the hell's goin' on - somebody start talking before I f'n lose it!'
Just some friendly suggestions, I still thought the chapter overall was good. Keep up the great work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
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Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Would you mind reading the whole book???? That was an amazing review, thank you so much. I'll take all your advice gratefully, and use it, too! I especially liked the what you pointed out about 'linger in the moment,' and then you went on to give me an example which I wish I'd come up with!! Thank you, I really have appreciated this review, and will copy it to my MS Word doc to remind me each time to check it over to see if I've missed some missing opportunities. Thank you! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This story just gets better and better. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Where will they go to be safe? I'm not sure there's anywhere safe. I sure hope Grant's team and solve this problem.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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This story just gets better and better. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Where will they go to be safe? I'm not sure there's anywhere safe. I sure hope Grant's team and solve this problem.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Barbara, for this lovely review. Yes, they must save Jose's family, and Grant must find out who the mole is! I'm glad you enjoyed this part, thanks my friend. :)) Sandra xx
