The Killing Wall
Ready... Aim... Listen37 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Very intense, Jay. I was a bit confused by these lines: Ten smooth-faced youths. One for each prisoner. None knows which rifle holds the blank.
Are you sure about that 'equal number of shooters to prisoners', with one guy having a blank?
oh, Socrates???
Anyway, good work, very memorable.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Very intense, Jay. I was a bit confused by these lines: Ten smooth-faced youths. One for each prisoner. None knows which rifle holds the blank.
Are you sure about that 'equal number of shooters to prisoners', with one guy having a blank?
oh, Socrates???
Anyway, good work, very memorable.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Well, there would have to be an equal number of shooters to prisoners, wouldn't there? And the usual practice is to have one chamber house a blank--as a kind of "grace of God" sparing of the prisoner's life.
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I don't think so. There were usually more shooters than victims so the soldiers wouldn't know for sure if THEY killed someone. It's fiction so I guess it doesn't matter. It still is a good flash.
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At any rate, I fear I was so intent on answering your question that I didn't take the time to thank you for reviewing and, as always, your astute commentary.
Comment from kmoss
Outstanding in 75 words(although I didn't check). Such a vivid picture in a short time. And leaves it wide open for more. I love the fish-gulp line. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Outstanding in 75 words(although I didn't check). Such a vivid picture in a short time. And leaves it wide open for more. I love the fish-gulp line. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Ah! Thank you, thank you, Krystal! (Hope I got that right!) Yeah, I rather liked that fish-gulp line myself. Anyone who has seen a fish trying to catch its breath out of water can instantly relate to it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now that was really showing not telling! I'm sorry I don't have a six left, it's only Monday, too. That was an excellent 75 word flash fiction, Jay, you covered all the senses. Sight, hearing, smell, feel, plus oodles of fear. How can anyone beat that? That last line, hoping you'll hear the shot was the perfect finish. Well done and good luck in the contest! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Now that was really showing not telling! I'm sorry I don't have a six left, it's only Monday, too. That was an excellent 75 word flash fiction, Jay, you covered all the senses. Sight, hearing, smell, feel, plus oodles of fear. How can anyone beat that? That last line, hoping you'll hear the shot was the perfect finish. Well done and good luck in the contest! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Sandra! You made my day! I'll take that over a six anytime. LOL, every Sunday when I get a brand new batch of sixes, I say I'm going to be a scrooge this time, but then, like you, they're gone before the blush of a new week.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This contest entry is intense. WOW! Good writing and I wish you the best of luck.
Didn't Socrates say: "If you hear the shot, yours was the blank."? (I looked at this over and over again, it looks wrong but when I dissected it, it's correct. Weird.)
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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This contest entry is intense. WOW! Good writing and I wish you the best of luck.
Didn't Socrates say: "If you hear the shot, yours was the blank."? (I looked at this over and over again, it looks wrong but when I dissected it, it's correct. Weird.)
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Haha! Thanks for the six, Barbara. You've made me very happy! But I must ask you why you kept looking over that line. Surely you didn't doubt that the great Socrates said those immortal words ... LOL. Again, though, THANKS!
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Hey, Do you know Barbara Pappan, and if you do, have you heard from her lately? I haven't heard from her since September and am worried.
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No, I'm afraid I don't. Why not send her a private note? Ever since FS came up with paying for the "Eternal Flame" a person can pass on and it will go unrecognized unless someone like Phyllis's daughter thinks enough about her memory to pay the member-bucks to post an announcement of her passing. It won't show as an "eternal flame"
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I've FB private messaged and emailed her and haven't gotten a response.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Congrats on your well-deserved prize, Jay. Not surprised in the least.
(listen intensely vs intently)
This stunning flash may well be a winner. You make the most of every word to tell a chilling tale--excruciating suspense! Prize-worthy opener: bound hands tracing the pocks in the wall.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Congrats on your well-deserved prize, Jay. Not surprised in the least.
(listen intensely vs intently)
This stunning flash may well be a winner. You make the most of every word to tell a chilling tale--excruciating suspense! Prize-worthy opener: bound hands tracing the pocks in the wall.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much, Elizabeth. I will certainly take stock of the difference between intensely and intently. I'd like to get away from the adverb entire-ly, but it would have taken a couple more words. Thank you for caring enough to look for alternatives.
Comment from robyn corum
Jay,
Oh, my. What a hideous topic. But one that, as writers, we should consider. Can you even imagine those last moments? It makes me cringe. I watch all these crime shows on TV - I'm pretty addicted - and I can never quite get over man's inhumanity to man.
Thanks, buddy - good luck!
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Jay,
Oh, my. What a hideous topic. But one that, as writers, we should consider. Can you even imagine those last moments? It makes me cringe. I watch all these crime shows on TV - I'm pretty addicted - and I can never quite get over man's inhumanity to man.
Thanks, buddy - good luck!
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Yes, it is a hideous topic. I'm really rather benign. With this one following "The Executioner's Tale" you may be wondering what kind of perversity hides in the corners of this mind. I tell you, I AM benign! You must remember that, Robyn. And assure the rest of the people on FanStory that Jay couldn't hurt a fly! Well, fly would be a poor example. (You may remember my poem "Oh Godless Fly Upon My Wall.")
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No, I absolutely get it. I'm a really nice person, but I get all my frustrations out by killing and maiming my characters.
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Good, we could feel comfortable sitting next to each other on the same pew.
Comment from BethShelby
This is emotional charged flash fiction. We left wondering if the shot was heard or not. I can imagine the feat something like this wound arouse. The horror of this is knowing some have face just just circumstances during their final moments. You have created the feeling which would be associated with such a moment.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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This is emotional charged flash fiction. We left wondering if the shot was heard or not. I can imagine the feat something like this wound arouse. The horror of this is knowing some have face just just circumstances during their final moments. You have created the feeling which would be associated with such a moment.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Beth. It's just that feeling I was trying to capture. Have a happy and safe holiday, dear Beth.