Chosen
Because the call comes in many forms...26 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Whew!! You wrote a novel, Yvette. I am hoping that the end is real because previously, the italics passages was in a dream/vision. Poor Jimmy to have suffered such a terrible life but apparently, he got some prophetic visions to help him get away from those horrible brothers.
"where they'd been told him he " (should the "him" be here?)
"- he thought he heard Red holler his " (Reid?)
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Whew!! You wrote a novel, Yvette. I am hoping that the end is real because previously, the italics passages was in a dream/vision. Poor Jimmy to have suffered such a terrible life but apparently, he got some prophetic visions to help him get away from those horrible brothers.
"where they'd been told him he " (should the "him" be here?)
"- he thought he heard Red holler his " (Reid?)
Comment Written 17-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to read my story, Helen, and for those catches! ;) This was certainly not my genre of choice.... and there was quite a bit of metaphor and more written into it - that's my 'fantasy' girl trying to co-op my Western story...LOL! LOL! Take care, my lady! ;) Yvette
Comment from JudyE
I wasn't brave enough to enter this competition but I've enjoyed reading the other entries, just as I've enjoyed reading this.
I picked up some glitches. Please ignore any that don't apply.
Jimmy nodded as if he understood, turning around and followed the priest. - did you mean 'turning around and following the priest'?
Not wanting to intrude on their conversation, Jimmy tried to take in more of the conditions here in Mine Row as the people of Cooperstown had dubbed it - comma after 'Row'
"Well, now it's gone."
He said, seeming to have calmed somewhat. - this sentence needs to move up behind 'Well, now it's gone'
He removed a container of salve from the bag applied it generously to the sores that covered the man's lower leg. - did you mean 'from the bag, and applied it ....' or perhaps 'from the bag, applying it...'
Either way, Jimmy's heart rate spike - should be 'spiked'
Jimmy methodically rotated through the horses, patting and murmuring to each in turn to calm them, to reassure them - should this be 'to each in turn to calm it' rather than 'them'
all the while trying to calm his panic that had tried to claim him again - I might have said 'the panic'
the two of them had fallen into some mud or some sorts - of some sorts
as well as all of their clothes they had hung in the lower tree branches to dry.
They'd stripped of their 'heavier' clothing - should be 'off'
the 'J' brand more prominent - close gap between 'brand' and 'more'
The officer's face drew into a complete facial frown - I would delete 'facial'
"Remember, son" - the officer reached to grasp Jimmy's soldier tightly though not painfully - - did you mean 'Jimmy's soldier or 'shoulder' perhaps?
Whereas his brothers' rode - delete apostrophe
"Pro'lly out back," Reid scoffed only taking a tertiary glance - comma after 'scoffed'
He shoved a few people out of way - out of the way
he heard Red - Reid
the officer must have left it there accidently - spelling -accidentally
he squeezed hard enough that the he could feel the beads - delete 'the'
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2019
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I wasn't brave enough to enter this competition but I've enjoyed reading the other entries, just as I've enjoyed reading this.
I picked up some glitches. Please ignore any that don't apply.
Jimmy nodded as if he understood, turning around and followed the priest. - did you mean 'turning around and following the priest'?
Not wanting to intrude on their conversation, Jimmy tried to take in more of the conditions here in Mine Row as the people of Cooperstown had dubbed it - comma after 'Row'
"Well, now it's gone."
He said, seeming to have calmed somewhat. - this sentence needs to move up behind 'Well, now it's gone'
He removed a container of salve from the bag applied it generously to the sores that covered the man's lower leg. - did you mean 'from the bag, and applied it ....' or perhaps 'from the bag, applying it...'
Either way, Jimmy's heart rate spike - should be 'spiked'
Jimmy methodically rotated through the horses, patting and murmuring to each in turn to calm them, to reassure them - should this be 'to each in turn to calm it' rather than 'them'
all the while trying to calm his panic that had tried to claim him again - I might have said 'the panic'
the two of them had fallen into some mud or some sorts - of some sorts
as well as all of their clothes they had hung in the lower tree branches to dry.
They'd stripped of their 'heavier' clothing - should be 'off'
the 'J' brand more prominent - close gap between 'brand' and 'more'
The officer's face drew into a complete facial frown - I would delete 'facial'
"Remember, son" - the officer reached to grasp Jimmy's soldier tightly though not painfully - - did you mean 'Jimmy's soldier or 'shoulder' perhaps?
Whereas his brothers' rode - delete apostrophe
"Pro'lly out back," Reid scoffed only taking a tertiary glance - comma after 'scoffed'
He shoved a few people out of way - out of the way
he heard Red - Reid
the officer must have left it there accidently - spelling -accidentally
he squeezed hard enough that the he could feel the beads - delete 'the'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 17-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2019
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Thank you, Judy, for your time and your awesome assistance -- Merry Christmas!!
Comment from CD Richards
A most entertaining story, Yvette. A western indeed, but with a supernatural touch; something which I haven't encountered too many times. I love your technique of melding the dream sequences into reality, very realistic. I have to admit, I had no idea where the story was going until it got there. Well, almost got there, you've left a bit to the reader's imagination. Nicely done, I'm expecting this will do very well. Good luck!
Craig
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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A most entertaining story, Yvette. A western indeed, but with a supernatural touch; something which I haven't encountered too many times. I love your technique of melding the dream sequences into reality, very realistic. I have to admit, I had no idea where the story was going until it got there. Well, almost got there, you've left a bit to the reader's imagination. Nicely done, I'm expecting this will do very well. Good luck!
Craig
Comment Written 17-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to read my story, Craig -- it was certainly not my genre of choice! :) And I'm sure it's too long to do well, but once I got really into it, I HAD to finish it completely... just the OCD nerd, I guess! ;) Thanx for the review and Merry Christmas from this corner of the world to yours! :) Yvette
Comment from LeannaP
the old priest started walking toward the door .. My favorite line.
It shows depth.
You write in a way that rejects that which is unfamiliar.
Thank you so much for sharing
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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the old priest started walking toward the door .. My favorite line.
It shows depth.
You write in a way that rejects that which is unfamiliar.
Thank you so much for sharing
Comment Written 16-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from tfawcus
A fascinating story enhanced by the contrasts between Jimmy's real world and the dream world. His confusion and anxiety are shown well, both in his physical description and in his actions. Most enjoyable.
A few points to consider:
all that met his gaze was (the years of) time's etching on an aging (ageing) face
the people were no(-)good thieves
little girl that (who) just glowed with the attention
the little girl looking up at him with (a look of) consternation on her dirt-smudged face
"Well, now it's gone."
He said, seeming to have calmed somewhat.
["Well, now it's gone," he said, seeming to have calmed down]
two or three days(') ride
finding the horse's (horses') treats. He continued talking to them
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2019
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A fascinating story enhanced by the contrasts between Jimmy's real world and the dream world. His confusion and anxiety are shown well, both in his physical description and in his actions. Most enjoyable.
A few points to consider:
all that met his gaze was (the years of) time's etching on an aging (ageing) face
the people were no(-)good thieves
little girl that (who) just glowed with the attention
the little girl looking up at him with (a look of) consternation on her dirt-smudged face
"Well, now it's gone."
He said, seeming to have calmed somewhat.
["Well, now it's gone," he said, seeming to have calmed down]
two or three days(') ride
finding the horse's (horses') treats. He continued talking to them
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2019
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Thank you, Tony, for your time and your awesome assistance -- Merry Christmas!!
Comment from RShipp
This was a wonderful read. I really enjoy a good western. I loved how it jumped from mental location to physical location.
I love that the priest intimidated the rough and hardened cowboy.
:...held together by hope and twist..." a great word picture
The scene with the filthy girl and the curtsying mother ... a nice picture!
****
The spitting at the feet of Jimmy was a great way of showing their relationship status. The ripping of the rosary beads was another great status action.
I loved that the 'dream' allowed the beads to be real!
****
Again at the church... and the Father and this time a bag....
The soldiers in anguish and James seeming to want to help keeps revealing that his heart is not like his brother's hearts.
The officer looking like the Father is causing the same questions for me that I suspect James is facing.
I love the warning of 'the breaking of the bottle'
Is the Bible as real as the rosary? I am anxious to find out.
****
I WAS WAITING to see what that 'bottle message meant. The saloon wsa a great place for the prophecy to be fulfilled.
I had a great time critiquing- actuality just sharing my immediate responses- to this story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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This was a wonderful read. I really enjoy a good western. I loved how it jumped from mental location to physical location.
I love that the priest intimidated the rough and hardened cowboy.
:...held together by hope and twist..." a great word picture
The scene with the filthy girl and the curtsying mother ... a nice picture!
****
The spitting at the feet of Jimmy was a great way of showing their relationship status. The ripping of the rosary beads was another great status action.
I loved that the 'dream' allowed the beads to be real!
****
Again at the church... and the Father and this time a bag....
The soldiers in anguish and James seeming to want to help keeps revealing that his heart is not like his brother's hearts.
The officer looking like the Father is causing the same questions for me that I suspect James is facing.
I love the warning of 'the breaking of the bottle'
Is the Bible as real as the rosary? I am anxious to find out.
****
I WAS WAITING to see what that 'bottle message meant. The saloon wsa a great place for the prophecy to be fulfilled.
I had a great time critiquing- actuality just sharing my immediate responses- to this story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to really read my story and provide those awesome observations -- so very appreciated on both fronts! ;) Here's wishing you a wonderful Holiday Season out there -- take care! ;) Yvette
