Car Bomb
Stranded stranger seeks help. Should he get it?45 total reviews
Comment from Fridayauthor
This is a beautifully told story of suspense and tension with a deep meaning as well. It is so easy to visualize the scene and the circumstances you describe.
I recently had car difficulties too, and I was amazed as many helpful motorists stopped. I have to wonder if they would have been as helpful if I wasn't white.
Very nice posting indeed.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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This is a beautifully told story of suspense and tension with a deep meaning as well. It is so easy to visualize the scene and the circumstances you describe.
I recently had car difficulties too, and I was amazed as many helpful motorists stopped. I have to wonder if they would have been as helpful if I wasn't white.
Very nice posting indeed.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Fridayauthor, I wonder that, too. Would Gabino have received help had he been white or a woman? Because of my problems with the gas nozzle, it took me thirty minutes to get back to him. No one during that entire time stopped to help him. I was it.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from Ulla
Andre, this is a fantastic write and a fantastic story. What more do I need to say. It brought tears to my eyes. It really did. How cruel is it that the colour of our fellow man plays such a prominent role in peoples perception. I hope your true story will do well. I cannot see how it could not. You're such a talented writer. Good luck. If I could vote, you'd have mine. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Andre, this is a fantastic write and a fantastic story. What more do I need to say. It brought tears to my eyes. It really did. How cruel is it that the colour of our fellow man plays such a prominent role in peoples perception. I hope your true story will do well. I cannot see how it could not. You're such a talented writer. Good luck. If I could vote, you'd have mine. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Ulla, for your generous, six star review of "a fantastic story." I focused on surviving that gas can drive down Dead Man's Curve and helping Gabino, but I knew last Tuesday that when he asked for my name so he could retell his story that I needed to get busy writing to tell ours.
Thank you for wishing me luck on this tearjerker and for your vote of confidence.
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The story so deserves it. What I forgot to ask you. I've just rececently read a novel where 'the dead man's curve appeared'. Is that a common name in a lot of cities in the States? Just curious. Been to the States a lot, a real lot over the past 40 years but never come across it before. I wish I could remember in which city the story took place. :))
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Dead Man's Curve is the name I christened the ninety degree bend in Lincoln Avenue around the Greek Orthodox Cathedral in Oakland. You will not find this name on any map, but I have worked twenty-three years at a place just below it any know or missed being in accidents along this dangerous stretch. The city has banned trucks from it and put in traffic lights to slow traffics. The private school across the street has installed safety bollards along the sidewalk to prevent runaway vehicles from crashing onto the campus and students below.
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Wow, that's amazing. Your desciption is like the one in the book. I'm wondering whether you wrote it. LOL. I'll have to find the book. Thanks a bunch for your explanation.
Comment from jaded831
I love your story. Gabino trusted his instincts, I do that more than turning away from someone different than myself. I am a faithful person and God's voice tells me what to do, I call that instinct. Trust your gut. You can't say anything wrong with a story that is perfect. Not only does the incident make a great story, it teaches a lesson about human nature, well done.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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I love your story. Gabino trusted his instincts, I do that more than turning away from someone different than myself. I am a faithful person and God's voice tells me what to do, I call that instinct. Trust your gut. You can't say anything wrong with a story that is perfect. Not only does the incident make a great story, it teaches a lesson about human nature, well done.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, jaded831, God told us to trust our instincts and one another. You would not believe how hard we prayed during that ordeal. I am glad our story taught a lesson about human nature.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
I gazed at him in wonder as he turned and skipped with his prize toward his flashing pickup. Never before had I witnessed a man as joyous as him. Every ounce of his faith in God and man had burst forth like fireworks, threatening to ignite the gas can with spontaneous combustion.' You write with a warm, buttery magic, flowing smoothly and creating images that light up the page. Truly magical to read I thank you my friend and wish you the best of luck in the competition. Kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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I gazed at him in wonder as he turned and skipped with his prize toward his flashing pickup. Never before had I witnessed a man as joyous as him. Every ounce of his faith in God and man had burst forth like fireworks, threatening to ignite the gas can with spontaneous combustion.' You write with a warm, buttery magic, flowing smoothly and creating images that light up the page. Truly magical to read I thank you my friend and wish you the best of luck in the competition. Kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Meia, for your generous, six star review. It's hard for me to believe that this incident happened six days ago and that I wrote a magical story about it. Thanks for pointing out your favorite passage and for wishing me luck in the contest.
Comment from apky
This is so true, even if it ruins the image of an almighty nation that only wants to spread fairness of governance to all. You said it brilliantly:
Americans' default setting is fear--fear of race, fear of foreigners, fear of anyone different from us. We remain safe in gated homes and locked cars. It takes Herculean effort to override our default setting with love.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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This is so true, even if it ruins the image of an almighty nation that only wants to spread fairness of governance to all. You said it brilliantly:
Americans' default setting is fear--fear of race, fear of foreigners, fear of anyone different from us. We remain safe in gated homes and locked cars. It takes Herculean effort to override our default setting with love.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Wow, Apky, thank you for your generous, six star review and for pointing out a key passage. I debated whether or not to include it but decided that I needed to say it. Thanks again.
Comment from MJ McIntire
This is a nice story to read in today's times. I often think back to when people just stopped to help someone and did not have to assess a situation.
I often wonder what I would do. I was always to quick to pick up someone who needed a ride, or give money to someone who said they needed to eat. Now I am much more cautious. Makes me sad that people in today's day and age as far as we have come still judge my skin color (never understood it).
I think you captured the situation and descripted it with your words very well.
I could see the hesitation in my mind, Gabino being hesitant to trust handing over his hard earned pay, as well as you to let him into your car.
MJ
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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This is a nice story to read in today's times. I often think back to when people just stopped to help someone and did not have to assess a situation.
I often wonder what I would do. I was always to quick to pick up someone who needed a ride, or give money to someone who said they needed to eat. Now I am much more cautious. Makes me sad that people in today's day and age as far as we have come still judge my skin color (never understood it).
I think you captured the situation and descripted it with your words very well.
I could see the hesitation in my mind, Gabino being hesitant to trust handing over his hard earned pay, as well as you to let him into your car.
MJ
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, MJ, this is a beautiful but sad story because it speaks to our reality today where people fear helping one another or being helped. We must be cautious and compassionate at the same time. Thank you for your heartfelt review..
Comment from robyn corum
Andre,
Although I am so happy to see that there are still kind and generous and virtuous people in this world, I am so disheartened by the tenor of this story. I live in a place where the black/white tensions are almost nonexistent. Not saying that they don't exist, but it's more of an unspoken thing. We're all trying to escape the demons of the past, I think -- I AM only 60 miles from Birmingham, you know. *smile*
If I had had this man approach me, it wouldn't even occur to me that he might mean me harm; not in this situation. It's so sad that you live in a world where you must question every action.
To be fair, I have found myself in dark and lonely places, where shady men lounged -- and THAT scared me. But not this.
Hugs to you for fighting through those emotions and well-founded fears and doing the right thing; the 'Do unto others; thing. I am so proud of you. *smile*
There's still hope for this shrinking world. Thanks for sharing and much good luck in the voting. Smmmmmoooooch --
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Andre,
Although I am so happy to see that there are still kind and generous and virtuous people in this world, I am so disheartened by the tenor of this story. I live in a place where the black/white tensions are almost nonexistent. Not saying that they don't exist, but it's more of an unspoken thing. We're all trying to escape the demons of the past, I think -- I AM only 60 miles from Birmingham, you know. *smile*
If I had had this man approach me, it wouldn't even occur to me that he might mean me harm; not in this situation. It's so sad that you live in a world where you must question every action.
To be fair, I have found myself in dark and lonely places, where shady men lounged -- and THAT scared me. But not this.
Hugs to you for fighting through those emotions and well-founded fears and doing the right thing; the 'Do unto others; thing. I am so proud of you. *smile*
There's still hope for this shrinking world. Thanks for sharing and much good luck in the voting. Smmmmmoooooch --
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Robyn, the knife in his hand made me uneasy. I live in an area where carjackings sometimes happen. I use caution when offering or accepting roadside assistance. Many other reviewers remarked about being heartened AND disheartened by my story. I am thrilled that I helped him and that things turned out well for the both of us. If I ever see him again, I would like to hear his story from his perspective. Thank you for your kind review and for wishing good luck in the voting.
Comment from RGstar
Hi, Andre...good to read this on my return if not known how long.
Let me get the small bits out of the way. Remember when writing, book, story or chapters, try not to incorporate or mix poetry in with the narrative. It is easy to do so in colourful language which derives from both your stand up as well writing poetry.
"the pearl handle which sheathed the knife appeared five inches long. The back edge of the folded blade glinted silver in the shade of eucalyptus trees which lined the Oakland Hills road overlooking the San Francisco Bay on a gray day"
The above opened your work, beautifully written, yet for story, just a little too pretty in description, very poetic, and one can easily transfer to the main body, so rather than creating impact, we create beauty.
Be careful also, attention to detail for even the slightest action...which coincides with your report style story-telling on stage. These are not negative things, but remember, sometimes opening a can demands only that. Too much focus on each action with elaboration can take the focus from the narrative and direct to the many actions around the main plot.
Having said that, let me tell you, blinding work. Maliciously told, though I comment there must be a balance.
This was long, but you kept the reader interested in binging out the moral of the story. This lends to your storytelling attributes in which something that could be told in, perhaps, three paragraphs entertains us through the many.
Bravo
A cleverly woven piece that you worked intensely on. I like that.
Good to see great work put in.
For this I have no doubt in awarding six stars.
Well done.
My best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Hi, Andre...good to read this on my return if not known how long.
Let me get the small bits out of the way. Remember when writing, book, story or chapters, try not to incorporate or mix poetry in with the narrative. It is easy to do so in colourful language which derives from both your stand up as well writing poetry.
"the pearl handle which sheathed the knife appeared five inches long. The back edge of the folded blade glinted silver in the shade of eucalyptus trees which lined the Oakland Hills road overlooking the San Francisco Bay on a gray day"
The above opened your work, beautifully written, yet for story, just a little too pretty in description, very poetic, and one can easily transfer to the main body, so rather than creating impact, we create beauty.
Be careful also, attention to detail for even the slightest action...which coincides with your report style story-telling on stage. These are not negative things, but remember, sometimes opening a can demands only that. Too much focus on each action with elaboration can take the focus from the narrative and direct to the many actions around the main plot.
Having said that, let me tell you, blinding work. Maliciously told, though I comment there must be a balance.
This was long, but you kept the reader interested in binging out the moral of the story. This lends to your storytelling attributes in which something that could be told in, perhaps, three paragraphs entertains us through the many.
Bravo
A cleverly woven piece that you worked intensely on. I like that.
Good to see great work put in.
For this I have no doubt in awarding six stars.
Well done.
My best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you, RG, for your generous, six star review and suggestions about the poetry and colourful language. I knew the instance when Gabino asked for my name that I was going to tell a story about the incident. I told it last Wednesday at work and then bogged down after the opening paragraphs.
I then hit upon an idea to write the story backwards, starting with the last paragraph and moving backwards in time one paragraph at a time until I reached the beginning. The last paragraph written was my fourth paragraph. Although long and I could have split the story in two, I decided to keep it together for the contest. It also maintains the reader's interest throughout.
Thank you once again, my friend, for your generous review, comments, and best wishes.
Comment from dracofelsinensis
I was interested partly as a lady friend of a friend lives in Oakland and once told us of her concerns about driving around there; but she also said she went to work by bicycle sometimes (to cruise past lines of slow traffic? And if weather permits? And what about any steep hills? I digress!) so maybe it's not too bad.
The mood is set when 'knife' is the fourth word and 'switchblade' follows soon after. Then there is the (gunless) Mexican standoff, as Andre decides whether to risk helping the stranger. There's a dialogue of looks and body language with very few words. We get the explanation:
"Americans' default setting is fear--fear of race, fear of foreigners, fear of anyone different from us. We remain safe in gated homes and locked cars. It takes Herculean effort to override our default setting with love."
Soon after there are three clicks and a finger pulling a trigger ... on a gas nozzle.
The fear of an explosion as the can is transported, and the contemporary context of terrorist bombs and FBI suspicions, was for me an unexpected development in this story, as was the evocation of previous road incidents on Dead Man's Curve; all of this emphasized the idea of life as risk and of actions/choices as calculated risks with no certainty of success, only a higher probability of it.
I liked some of the little details, such as the marble dragons with their artificial flames at the site of a previous road accident, and the grill of Gabino's truck seeming to grin as it was refuelled.
At first, I was going to give five stars to this piece, but I think six is more accurate.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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I was interested partly as a lady friend of a friend lives in Oakland and once told us of her concerns about driving around there; but she also said she went to work by bicycle sometimes (to cruise past lines of slow traffic? And if weather permits? And what about any steep hills? I digress!) so maybe it's not too bad.
The mood is set when 'knife' is the fourth word and 'switchblade' follows soon after. Then there is the (gunless) Mexican standoff, as Andre decides whether to risk helping the stranger. There's a dialogue of looks and body language with very few words. We get the explanation:
"Americans' default setting is fear--fear of race, fear of foreigners, fear of anyone different from us. We remain safe in gated homes and locked cars. It takes Herculean effort to override our default setting with love."
Soon after there are three clicks and a finger pulling a trigger ... on a gas nozzle.
The fear of an explosion as the can is transported, and the contemporary context of terrorist bombs and FBI suspicions, was for me an unexpected development in this story, as was the evocation of previous road incidents on Dead Man's Curve; all of this emphasized the idea of life as risk and of actions/choices as calculated risks with no certainty of success, only a higher probability of it.
I liked some of the little details, such as the marble dragons with their artificial flames at the site of a previous road accident, and the grill of Gabino's truck seeming to grin as it was refuelled.
At first, I was going to give five stars to this piece, but I think six is more accurate.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Oh, thank you, dracofelsinensis, for your generous, six star review that was detailed and even taught me things about the story I did not know, like how the clicking on the gas nozzle mimicked the clicking of a gun's trigger. Yes, I started my story with the image of the knife. The theme of violence, risks, actions, and choices pervade the story. Yes, I love ending my story with Gabino's smile echoing the grill of his pickup.
Thank you once again for your accurate, six star review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
It's really sad that an act of kindness to a fellow human being is so rare that it brings about shock to the receiver. This is a really good story, Sis Cat, I really enjoyed it. It took a lot of trust for that man to part with his hard earned money, and I'm just glad it was you who he handed it to. Not many would have come back. Well done, my friend, it brings back faith in human decency. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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It's really sad that an act of kindness to a fellow human being is so rare that it brings about shock to the receiver. This is a really good story, Sis Cat, I really enjoyed it. It took a lot of trust for that man to part with his hard earned money, and I'm just glad it was you who he handed it to. Not many would have come back. Well done, my friend, it brings back faith in human decency. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Yes, Sandra, it is sad that if another person had accepted Gabino's money, he may have taken off with it and left him there. I am glad that he ran out of gas at my work entrance and that he approached me for help. Thank you for your review of our story which brought back faith in human decency.