Romancing Mr. Bryce
Fate Keeps Score.47 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
My mother didn't have Alzheimer's, but an on again, off again form of dementia. Much of what you write describes many of her episodes of not remembering. Some may see this as dark and sad but for some reason I don't. Maybe he is unable to remember, but IS living in the moment, so few of us do. I am sure this is one many can relate to. Exceptional work with this, the best entry so far, IMHO. Sorry, I am out of 6's so you'll have to settle for a virtual * * * * * * I wish you all the best in this contest too.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
  |
My mother didn't have Alzheimer's, but an on again, off again form of dementia. Much of what you write describes many of her episodes of not remembering. Some may see this as dark and sad but for some reason I don't. Maybe he is unable to remember, but IS living in the moment, so few of us do. I am sure this is one many can relate to. Exceptional work with this, the best entry so far, IMHO. Sorry, I am out of 6's so you'll have to settle for a virtual * * * * * * I wish you all the best in this contest too.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you so much for the virtual six, Sasha. I'm glad you saw that living in the moment part of dementia.
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Jay: I stopped by to say Hi and read your romance story. I like your two kiss, mint and chocolate kisses. This was an interesting line - the spearmint breath of her planting her red lips on his mouth. Was this his friend or love? I like the cherish her advise.
I am editing a teen book of 66 pages. It is interesting. I remember the edits you spent the time teaching me as I edit the story - "My Life in Pastels."
LifeLight was great! I loved Mandissa and Michael Smith as artists. I got to work directly with the chef and chop-chop-chop veggies and made salsa. We served the volunteers and musicians. Enjoy your week, Jay!!! Enjoy the stars! flylikeaneagle
(((New word for you from this story - lagniappe- "Rebecca was the perfect lagniappe." It is a southern slang word. )))
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
 |
Jay: I stopped by to say Hi and read your romance story. I like your two kiss, mint and chocolate kisses. This was an interesting line - the spearmint breath of her planting her red lips on his mouth. Was this his friend or love? I like the cherish her advise.
I am editing a teen book of 66 pages. It is interesting. I remember the edits you spent the time teaching me as I edit the story - "My Life in Pastels."
LifeLight was great! I loved Mandissa and Michael Smith as artists. I got to work directly with the chef and chop-chop-chop veggies and made salsa. We served the volunteers and musicians. Enjoy your week, Jay!!! Enjoy the stars! flylikeaneagle
(((New word for you from this story - lagniappe- "Rebecca was the perfect lagniappe." It is a southern slang word. )))
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thanks for the gorgeous 6 stars, Nancy. I"m happy you enjoyed this and also happy I was in a small way able to help you with your editing work. Where have I heard of lagniappe? I'll look it up and it better be clean, lady. LOL, I'm so blessed having you as a reader and a friend.
-
Jay: I'll give you a clue, lagniappe is a Louisiana term. She used it as a common slang term. Yes, I prayed to be used by God. Laura wrote on FS . She asked me to help her with editing this teen manuscript. Laura sent a story of mine about friendship to an artist to have it 3-D animated!!!
I so appreciate you, Jay!
We are traveling to Denver next weekend to see our daughters. I will fly back and chat more, Jay!!!
nancy
(I was shopping at Walmart in Plano, Texas, on 9/11. Where were you?)))
-
I was watching the Today show. They kept showing it again and again in stop motion and slow motion as the plan smashed into the Tower. Horrible, but I couldn't stop watching.
-
Jay: Repeat, replay and rewind end up returning us to the scene of tragedy. Personally, we can choose to help others when we have gone through the eye of the needle with God's help. One family lost their son. They touched the letters of his name. The parents are keeping his name alive by helping others in tragedies.
I prayed for "new beginnings." God's hand is on new beginning and touching the broken, Jay. We can touch others in love...I cor 13. nancy
(Thanks for the break of drop to add-- Cinderella cotillion dance of junior high best friends. Should they wear light pink or dark pink petticoat dresses??? Just buy cheap and have fun!!!) story -
this is only page 21 of 66.
Trump wants to blow up ships! Hillary fainted...CNN. What are they doing to help us???
Do as much as you can for as long as you can for as many as you can - came from John Edwards during the revival of the thirteen colonies. The presence of the Lord touched the ships three hundred miles into the sea. The sailors fell down and repented. Jesus is Lord of all!
Comment from crybry67
This was a lovely story, I really enjoyed reading it. The characters really drew me in, they seem so real. I have worked with some older people; this reminds me of one in particular.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
This was a lovely story, I really enjoyed reading it. The characters really drew me in, they seem so real. I have worked with some older people; this reminds me of one in particular.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
I'm glad you enjoyed this and found some resonance in your own life.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Brilliant story, Jay, and beautifully told. Has to be the most original offering in this contest. Sad, of course. The way you show Walter trying to communicate really tugs at the heart.
Hope this does well for you in the contest.
His words stunned her. - this appears to be a POV change.
Av
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Brilliant story, Jay, and beautifully told. Has to be the most original offering in this contest. Sad, of course. The way you show Walter trying to communicate really tugs at the heart.
Hope this does well for you in the contest.
His words stunned her. - this appears to be a POV change.
Av
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Av. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this story. I can kind of see "His words stunned her" as a possible POV change. To me it seems to be an observable condition. I suppose I could say, "He saw his words stunned her." Do you think that would be better?
Your opinion means SO much to me, Av.
-
You're right, Jay - it isn't a blatant switch. I usually refer to this as 'flirting' with POV. :) It could be left as is, reasonably. Maybe see if anyone else mentions it? Your suggestion also works, or maybe. She appeared/seemed stunned by his words. ? Whatever, you've reason to be very proud of this story. xx
-
Thank you so much, Av. It wasn't an easy write. Took me 5 days to write it and a couple more to edit it. (Talking 3 hour days.) When you think about it, we writers work cheap!
Comment from royowen
I guess Shakespeare would call this a tragedy! But certainly not from Walter's perspective. Dimentia in its own reality would probably be expressed this way through the eyes of the sufferer, but then, how many writers have dinentia, and are still writing? Just one...? That's why to write in the third person would be difficult in this condition, or would it? Evil me..., the poor wife, and the seductress nurse. Beautiful work, Jay, a little offbeat romance story, romance tends to be froth and bubble, but you've really come from left field, I love it! No sixes, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
I guess Shakespeare would call this a tragedy! But certainly not from Walter's perspective. Dimentia in its own reality would probably be expressed this way through the eyes of the sufferer, but then, how many writers have dinentia, and are still writing? Just one...? That's why to write in the third person would be difficult in this condition, or would it? Evil me..., the poor wife, and the seductress nurse. Beautiful work, Jay, a little offbeat romance story, romance tends to be froth and bubble, but you've really come from left field, I love it! No sixes, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
No sixes needed from you, Roy. Your enjoyment of its rather off-kilter romance is six enough for me.
-
It's all my pleasure Jay
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, this is an enchanting story, and knowing you, a bit different from everybody else. I loved it, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Hi Jay, this is an enchanting story, and knowing you, a bit different from everybody else. I loved it, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you so much, Ulla. I'm glad you enjoyed this.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, well that is a strange form of love, from a strange mind,but I guess it is love and romance of a kind. There is no rules and you've written from a perspective not often seen. This will certain set your entry apart. Well done.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Hmm, well that is a strange form of love, from a strange mind,but I guess it is love and romance of a kind. There is no rules and you've written from a perspective not often seen. This will certain set your entry apart. Well done.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Lance. I wanted to dig deep for this one. I'm not too confident it will resonate with the voters.
-
Well, the committee usually are predictable but this is well crafted.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Great work, Jay. Simply great! I don't have a real review to give you. I was entranced by your story. Walter is an exceptional character. Best of luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Great work, Jay. Simply great! I don't have a real review to give you. I was entranced by your story. Walter is an exceptional character. Best of luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you so much, Russell, for the six and for your commendation.
Comment from mfowler
Never one to do it the conventional way, Jay. And that's why this was so absorbing. A man with dementia of some variety still feels something of love although his connected memory is severed and his emotions uncertain.
Millicent, the young single mother and nurse/carer is the object of his fascination. She gets the light bulbs flashing behind his eyes. But, she's been terminated for reasons uncertain. Her affection for Walter is clear and she wants him to know she'll miss him. Walter barely understands but knows he wants to tell her something. A misplaced pinch breaks the moment and Walter fixates on the harm he may or may not have inflicted.
His wife visits. She's a stranger to him yet she hopes to find some emotion or reaction in him that remembers past life, past love. She clearly is wracked with guilt over shifting away when the marriage got to hard, perhaps for having put him in care.
A limited response gives her hope, and she kisses him. Walter's lost, but registers her love somewhere deep Inside.
Millicent returns and her affection for her favourite patient becomes more obvious. In a simple but sensuous moment she exposes the the love pinch to him and then kisses him.
Two kisses on one day she tells him.
The kisses connect Walter's humanity to his manhood. The first, a past faded in the mush of memory. The second, more real and present, yet only a glimpse of how it feels to love.
That both women have affection for him, and despite his incapacitation, express it in a kiss, gives this piece the romance of the prompt's challenge. But, it's not the falseness of manufactured romance being shown here. It's the tenderness of love for a man living in a shell of time. Two kisses, and two women love him despite the difficulties.
Your work is long but contains that trademark slow burn by which the characters grow layer by layer in the awareness of the reader. The dialogue, the descriptions, the minutiae of observation all build slowly and engross.
The point of view focuses on Walter totally and is played out in the space of a bedroom. He is only partly there, but your revelation of part thought, part dialogue and limited action draw us to the man. In absence we empathise, in the moments of partial clarity we understand.
A truly poignant and contemporary romance reflecting the underbelly of ageing and the power of love even in the most unlikely places.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
Never one to do it the conventional way, Jay. And that's why this was so absorbing. A man with dementia of some variety still feels something of love although his connected memory is severed and his emotions uncertain.
Millicent, the young single mother and nurse/carer is the object of his fascination. She gets the light bulbs flashing behind his eyes. But, she's been terminated for reasons uncertain. Her affection for Walter is clear and she wants him to know she'll miss him. Walter barely understands but knows he wants to tell her something. A misplaced pinch breaks the moment and Walter fixates on the harm he may or may not have inflicted.
His wife visits. She's a stranger to him yet she hopes to find some emotion or reaction in him that remembers past life, past love. She clearly is wracked with guilt over shifting away when the marriage got to hard, perhaps for having put him in care.
A limited response gives her hope, and she kisses him. Walter's lost, but registers her love somewhere deep Inside.
Millicent returns and her affection for her favourite patient becomes more obvious. In a simple but sensuous moment she exposes the the love pinch to him and then kisses him.
Two kisses on one day she tells him.
The kisses connect Walter's humanity to his manhood. The first, a past faded in the mush of memory. The second, more real and present, yet only a glimpse of how it feels to love.
That both women have affection for him, and despite his incapacitation, express it in a kiss, gives this piece the romance of the prompt's challenge. But, it's not the falseness of manufactured romance being shown here. It's the tenderness of love for a man living in a shell of time. Two kisses, and two women love him despite the difficulties.
Your work is long but contains that trademark slow burn by which the characters grow layer by layer in the awareness of the reader. The dialogue, the descriptions, the minutiae of observation all build slowly and engross.
The point of view focuses on Walter totally and is played out in the space of a bedroom. He is only partly there, but your revelation of part thought, part dialogue and limited action draw us to the man. In absence we empathise, in the moments of partial clarity we understand.
A truly poignant and contemporary romance reflecting the underbelly of ageing and the power of love even in the most unlikely places.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
It took me five days to get into the characters enough for this story to have the impact I wanted. You found a way to scrabble through the dross and get to the essence in a couple of hundred words, and knowing you, not more than a half-hour of writing. Bless you, Mark, for it all.
Comment from barkingdog
I enjoyed reading you again, Jay, in your usual unique style.
Walter had a good day. Nice way of thinking about it.
Poignant write, my friend.
He's alone now after two kisses, but he's used to that with his memories diminishing.
Who will he remember? Either one? Or neither?
Good luck in the contest, my friend.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
|
I enjoyed reading you again, Jay, in your usual unique style.
Walter had a good day. Nice way of thinking about it.
Poignant write, my friend.
He's alone now after two kisses, but he's used to that with his memories diminishing.
Who will he remember? Either one? Or neither?
Good luck in the contest, my friend.
:) ellen
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Ellen. I was thinking about you, my dear friend, with every italicized thought. I tried to keep as much of it as I could in the third person introspective, but then he started sounding more alert than he was. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this.