THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The End of Days?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello,
I like your story very much, great character development and plot, like this one......"The door opened a crack. "Did you hear me?" Rhuether screamed, the veins at the sides of his neck bulging. A head peeked through. "Almighty Master--" "Yes! Yes! What? Where are my guards?" The door opened wider and three others entered, one holding a crossbow at his side. The two who weren't armed pushed their way to the front, but still stopped short of approaching Rhuether.." ...... Awesome!
Great job!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Hello,
I like your story very much, great character development and plot, like this one......"The door opened a crack. "Did you hear me?" Rhuether screamed, the veins at the sides of his neck bulging. A head peeked through. "Almighty Master--" "Yes! Yes! What? Where are my guards?" The door opened wider and three others entered, one holding a crossbow at his side. The two who weren't armed pushed their way to the front, but still stopped short of approaching Rhuether.." ...... Awesome!
Great job!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Ahhhh, thank you, Rose. I really appreciate your kind words. I'm thrilled to have you here.
Comment from innerworlds
Your descriptions and characters are so vivid, reading your stories is always like watching a movie.
And the title of this chapter teases with anticipation, "Does the book end here or does the brother's relationship end, morphing into something else or in one killing the other? etc. etc. etc.
Lots of possibilities here, my friend. Can't wait to see which path you choose.
Nice work!
Randi
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Your descriptions and characters are so vivid, reading your stories is always like watching a movie.
And the title of this chapter teases with anticipation, "Does the book end here or does the brother's relationship end, morphing into something else or in one killing the other? etc. etc. etc.
Lots of possibilities here, my friend. Can't wait to see which path you choose.
Nice work!
Randi
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Ah, Randi. Thanks for the compliments. If I ended the book there, I'd be committing writer suicide. No, there're a few more to go. You'll know when it's the end, because I'll write THE END. lol, hope you're here for it.
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I'll be getting old and feeble soon, so don't take too long! (0;}
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I'm already old, and one birthday away from feeble.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Excellent writing as ususal. "It was high time to get out of my chair. I took a step to my left, the better to keep my eyes on the movements of all the guards. Truth was, I could have made a trip to the utility room and returned without being missed. All eyes were on Rhuether, and I'd experienced one more example of the terror his subjects held for him."
And: " I imagined the fingers to be raising up a bag of stones from beneath. I ran my tongue over my teeth. They might have been loosened, more than likely were, but they were still mine. The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek, I swallowed, grimaced. "Why would ..." I wiggled my jaw--no bones broken there. "Why would I want to be conjoined with you?" Blood drooled out the corner of my mouth.
Suggestions: Use a minimum of adverbs...especially in places like these: "" he chuckled, dryly," He chuckled would have been fine, Jay.
Your story keepsrolling along well thanks to your good dialogue and sensory images. Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Hi, Jay. Excellent writing as ususal. "It was high time to get out of my chair. I took a step to my left, the better to keep my eyes on the movements of all the guards. Truth was, I could have made a trip to the utility room and returned without being missed. All eyes were on Rhuether, and I'd experienced one more example of the terror his subjects held for him."
And: " I imagined the fingers to be raising up a bag of stones from beneath. I ran my tongue over my teeth. They might have been loosened, more than likely were, but they were still mine. The blood oozed from a tuft of mangled skin on my inner cheek, I swallowed, grimaced. "Why would ..." I wiggled my jaw--no bones broken there. "Why would I want to be conjoined with you?" Blood drooled out the corner of my mouth.
Suggestions: Use a minimum of adverbs...especially in places like these: "" he chuckled, dryly," He chuckled would have been fine, Jay.
Your story keepsrolling along well thanks to your good dialogue and sensory images. Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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I'm always honored when you enjoy my chapters, Bob. I'll take a closer look at the adverb. I know their danger, along with excessive adjectives, and usually don't abuse them. Thanks for pointing out where you feel I do. Those second looks, especially when advised by someone I admire, are invaluable.
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If you get a chance check out at the library or purchase "On Writing" by S. King. Nothing to do with the genre he writes...just how he writes and why. I learned a lot from him and the book. Bob
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Thank you, Bob. I've heard of it and even thought of purchasing it, but thought it would be more genre driven, and I don't care for his genre. I'll look into it. Thanks for thinking of me.
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That is my whole point, Jay. This book is not GENRE DRIVEN. I don't care for horror either, but you must know as a writer, he is top notch as a writer. I learned a lot from it. Up to you, of course, but yuou won't be disappointed. Promise. Bob
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I'll take a look at it. Thanks.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
A very emotionally charged instalment here. Excellent writing. A lot going on but very precise and clear to understand and follow.
I understand, Almighty Master, but if you please, these two ..." - need opening speech marks here.
Twin trails of tears followed the contour of Hyl's nose, gathered there in the creases, and since his head bowed, spilled, leaving tiny splats on the tile between his boots. -wonderful description here. Very vivid.
Rhuether raised his right arm, this time with clinched fist.- clenched fist?
The sudden burst of action following Rhuether's reaction was well written.
On the other side of the door, - I would hazard a suggestion here of doorway rather than door, as this may give the impression of being on opposite sides (separated by) rather than side by side.
And it didn't feel long at all! LOL
All the best
G
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Hi Jay,
A very emotionally charged instalment here. Excellent writing. A lot going on but very precise and clear to understand and follow.
I understand, Almighty Master, but if you please, these two ..." - need opening speech marks here.
Twin trails of tears followed the contour of Hyl's nose, gathered there in the creases, and since his head bowed, spilled, leaving tiny splats on the tile between his boots. -wonderful description here. Very vivid.
Rhuether raised his right arm, this time with clinched fist.- clenched fist?
The sudden burst of action following Rhuether's reaction was well written.
On the other side of the door, - I would hazard a suggestion here of doorway rather than door, as this may give the impression of being on opposite sides (separated by) rather than side by side.
And it didn't feel long at all! LOL
All the best
G
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Hey, G. Thanks so much for the unearned six! LOL, In the U.S. the spelling for a balled up fist is ... Nah, you're not gonna let me get off that easy! I changed it. I must say I never would have even considered it was spelled wrong. So that was certainly appreciated. Also, since I rarely start a chapter with dialogue, I don't think I'd have spotted the missing open quote for the first word. About "door" vs. "doorway", ummmm, to me a doorway suggests an open door. That just might be me, though. I'll add that to my "think over" notes for the next edit. You know ... on second thought, I see clearly now what you mean. I'm changing it to doorway. See how fickle I am? Thanks again, G.
Comment from krprice
Slack-mouthed. . . delete that
Axtilla is. . . last sentence--delete that.
Excellent chapter. Great cliffhanger too.
Karlene
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Slack-mouthed. . . delete that
Axtilla is. . . last sentence--delete that.
Excellent chapter. Great cliffhanger too.
Karlene
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Good to hear from you, Karlene. Thanks. Afraid I don't understand your reasoning for deleting "Slack-mouthed," and I can't find "Axtilla is ... last sentence. I want to give them some consideration since you seem so adamant about deleting them. If you could elaborate a tad, it would really help.
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In the paragraph beginning with Slack-mouthed. . . delete 'that'.
In the paragraph with Axtilla is. . . In the last sentence in that paragraph delete 'that'.
I hope that makes more sense.
Karlene
Comment from royowen
A great ending to the episode, it does seem that Pondria/Doctrex is about to die, or, at best, be badly wounded, it's at a cross roads, but unless he actually lives, the whole story hinges on Doctrex living and Axtella also. But it is thrillingly good, great scribing, the descriptive nature of the action is great. Well done, Jay, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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A great ending to the episode, it does seem that Pondria/Doctrex is about to die, or, at best, be badly wounded, it's at a cross roads, but unless he actually lives, the whole story hinges on Doctrex living and Axtella also. But it is thrillingly good, great scribing, the descriptive nature of the action is great. Well done, Jay, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Roy. I'm glad you were left with a "crossroads" feeling. I hope I can direct traffic through it next time. Blessings.
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Haha me too Jay!
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
It's an interesting piece in continuation, having impressive phraseology displaying the spirit of words and sentences beautifully at several places.
Smooth, spontaneous, and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
Dialogues have natural flavor, and enhance the beauty of the running theme.
Perfect in all respects!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Hello Jay Squires,
It's an interesting piece in continuation, having impressive phraseology displaying the spirit of words and sentences beautifully at several places.
Smooth, spontaneous, and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
Dialogues have natural flavor, and enhance the beauty of the running theme.
Perfect in all respects!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Ah, I'm thrilled you enjoyed this. I spent a lot of time working on it. It's good to feel it succeeded in your mind. And enough for a six! My goodness!
Comment from write hand blue
We are left with a cliffhanger, will the arrow fly or will something happen. A bit of magic perhaps.
I could find no fault in this exceptional write. Your prose is of a standard that is clearly of publishing quality. The visual is the best I have experienced and so important in this type of fantasy writing.
I have been looking closely at your punctuation to see how the master does it. Perhaps some of this skill will rub off on me. LOL.
~Mel~
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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We are left with a cliffhanger, will the arrow fly or will something happen. A bit of magic perhaps.
I could find no fault in this exceptional write. Your prose is of a standard that is clearly of publishing quality. The visual is the best I have experienced and so important in this type of fantasy writing.
I have been looking closely at your punctuation to see how the master does it. Perhaps some of this skill will rub off on me. LOL.
~Mel~
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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You certainly shouldn't look to my example for the use of the comma. I know the rules intellectually, but when I write they always seem to fall where they will. And when I edit before posting, they look correct ... but then comes along my friends, Turtle and Alex and you could pepper a steak with all the commas they take out. Mel, you are so kind and generous. Thanks for the six.
Comment from Dawn Munro
"But I found a way to make you hurt, didn't I(,) Pondria...- I'm not sure - shouldn't there be a comma here for direct address?
Well, I'll say it again - I am totally lost. I must have missed the part where Axtilla was killed because I remember reading after it, but believing she was NOT dead, that it would be a surprise later on in the plot...
It's too soon for Pondria to die, though, so your ending, as cliff anger as it is, can't mean that arrow is going to kill him...(can it? LOL)
Violent chapter - whew! Lots of action well written to keep the reader riveted. I'm on the edge of my seat and wanting in on the battle! LOL
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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"But I found a way to make you hurt, didn't I(,) Pondria...- I'm not sure - shouldn't there be a comma here for direct address?
Well, I'll say it again - I am totally lost. I must have missed the part where Axtilla was killed because I remember reading after it, but believing she was NOT dead, that it would be a surprise later on in the plot...
It's too soon for Pondria to die, though, so your ending, as cliff anger as it is, can't mean that arrow is going to kill him...(can it? LOL)
Violent chapter - whew! Lots of action well written to keep the reader riveted. I'm on the edge of my seat and wanting in on the battle! LOL
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Thanks, Dawn. Axtilla was definitely killed (or killed herself), a few chapters back. Don't feel bad. It's the artificial chapter divisions imposed on us here at FS, and the fact (this is the major reason) that there can be a week or two between chapters. I have to go back and review previous chapters myself so I don't commit a gaff or two.
The comma? I thought I'd used up my quota of them, but since you're right I made the change. Now I have to find one I can take out from some other place. LOL, thanks, really, Dawn. I always love to hear from you.
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My pleasure, Jay. :)
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
= Holy-connoli, Lucy ... 2883 words ... 79 paragraphs or not. (*<*)
= It is hard sometimes to shorten up.
= Love this chapter! Great job. Super cliffhanger.
= Read my =written lips= DO NOT HURT MY DOXTREX! Just sayin'.
<> Shouldn't you use a =?=
= how could I deny that he could love Axtilla to the fullest depth, as I had[.](?)
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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Hi, Jay
= Holy-connoli, Lucy ... 2883 words ... 79 paragraphs or not. (*<*)
= It is hard sometimes to shorten up.
= Love this chapter! Great job. Super cliffhanger.
= Read my =written lips= DO NOT HURT MY DOXTREX! Just sayin'.
<> Shouldn't you use a =?=
= how could I deny that he could love Axtilla to the fullest depth, as I had[.](?)
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 28-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2016
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I absolutey should have put a question mark there. Thanks. I'm going to get it done now. Your six was a delight!
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I'm going to be disappointed when Doxtex and company sail into the sunset. (*<*)
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I won't! It's gonna be so much better after I edit it.
