THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Almighty Kyre In Bed With Axtilla?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
Great chapter again. I don't think you need to apologise for the length. no natural break and the writing is so good that you forget about it anyway. Very absorbing.
I cradled Axtilla in my arm, her hair tickling my cheek delightfully and strands of it coiling to nest on my chest. We had tasted the fullest measure of pleasure, not just once, but three times, with one shared glass of water during the briefest of intermissions before the last. - very deftly and skilfully handled. Chaste but under no allusions. great job.
The imagery of the winking frog is sublime. LOL
Sliding my hand down to the crook of her arm, - this I'm not sure about but this bit struck me as the last action was hand on hip and then down to crook of arm. Just wondering about position & mechanics. It's probably fine but I just thought I'd mention it! LOL
"You and Pondria, together, would defeat Rhuether.
- need closing speech marks here.
Well-handled elemenets of back story in the exchanges between Doctrex / Pondria & Axtilla.
Great stuff
G
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
  |
Hi Jay,
Great chapter again. I don't think you need to apologise for the length. no natural break and the writing is so good that you forget about it anyway. Very absorbing.
I cradled Axtilla in my arm, her hair tickling my cheek delightfully and strands of it coiling to nest on my chest. We had tasted the fullest measure of pleasure, not just once, but three times, with one shared glass of water during the briefest of intermissions before the last. - very deftly and skilfully handled. Chaste but under no allusions. great job.
The imagery of the winking frog is sublime. LOL
Sliding my hand down to the crook of her arm, - this I'm not sure about but this bit struck me as the last action was hand on hip and then down to crook of arm. Just wondering about position & mechanics. It's probably fine but I just thought I'd mention it! LOL
"You and Pondria, together, would defeat Rhuether.
- need closing speech marks here.
Well-handled elemenets of back story in the exchanges between Doctrex / Pondria & Axtilla.
Great stuff
G
Comment Written 18-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Sliding my hand down to the crook of her arm, - this I'm not sure about but this bit struck me as the last action was hand on hip and then down to crook of arm. Just wondering about position & mechanics. It's probably fine but I just thought I'd mention it! LOL [Hey, glad you brought it up. It syncs with my thoughts at the time. I'll have to go back and clear that up. Thanks for the heads up.]
Comment from Dashjianta
A tense ending to an engaging scene. With Axtilla's 'How can I?' combined with her declaration of love then opening the door, I get the sense that she's either going to go ahead with the wedding or do something else Pondria's not going to like.
I was surprised by how Axtilla comes across in this chapter, not so much about her initial guilt, but by her suggesting they run away to be together. She's seemed so strong up to this point that it came as a surprise. It's like their roles have flipped, with her thinking only of them, and Pondria being the stronger, more aware of the bigger picture one.
I wonder--and this is just an idea not a criticism--if it might fit better if her wanting to run away first occurs after her dream rather than before. Don't know how much that would affect what follows, though, so maybe not. Just a thought.
Suggestions:
but unable to slow the smile working into her lips.
--Should it be into or onto? 'into' makes me think of something being inserted inside her lips. Probably just my weird imagination, but thought I'd ask.
I resisted the effects of that smile on me.
--Describe the effects rather than tell they're there?
and with a sudden movement(,) she pulled her head out of the cradle of my arm and flounced to her side, away from me.
--Could you find a stronger word to replace 'pulled' and take out 'with a sudden movement' as well? That way you're focusing the sentence on the action more.
She tensed, and then erupted in a spasm of sobs.
--No comma needed here, because 'she' is the subject of both halves.
I resisted the temptation to interrupt with words, and instead, continued to hold her tightly to me
--I found when I read this that the 'instead' got it in the way of the flow of the sentence. Consider deleting it or moving it to after 'to me'.
pulled back her hair that had fallen forward over the side of her face.
--I think you could get away without stating her hair had fallen forward--it's implied when he pulls it back. By taking that out, you'll concentrate the focus on the moment.
"Oh(,) Doctrex, I was such a fool!"
With a sudden(,) jarring movement she flipped to her back
To convince him he should jump from the bridge
--Consider deleting 'from the bridge' to avoid the repeat.
never mind (that) his brain would end up as a bowl of electric spaghetti when the Doctor finished.
--I found it slightly awkward to read without the 'that'.
My sweet, sweet Doctrex, I'd been purely selfish.
--I think "I've" would work better here than "I'd".
I waited for her to finish, and to settle back on the pillow.
--No comma needed. Also, you could delete the second 'to'.
I gave her another light kiss, but pulled back
--Delete comma.
the medic explained to Doctrex(,) after he regained consciousness, how near he'd come to dying
--Or, you could flip it about so you have Doctrex regaining conciousness mentioned first.
It will be you and me and Kyre
--Nothing wrong with this, I just wonder if the emphasis would work better if its on 'Kyre' rather than 'and'.
and you know that's more powerful than
--Would 'he's be better fit than 'that'? Depends on if you're referring to them combined, or just Kyre.
She pulled back a few inches(,) and the beginning of a smile tugged up the corners of her mouth.
--because her smile is the subject of the second part of the sentence.
The smile continued to spread as she looked past me
--Use 'it' rather than 'the smile' to avoid the repeat.
with trees and crops(,) and we'll have children
She glanced at it, and then covered it with her own hand.
--No comma
wishing I could daub her forehead that beaded in sweat.
--You could swap this around to eliminate the 'that' if you want. eg: wishing I could daub the sweat beading on her forehead.
she swung her legs around, and pushed off to the floor
--Delete comma.
In silence, I watched her dress.
--The space between this para and previous one is missing.
She put on her slippers, and turned her back to me
--Delete comma.
During the lengthy process of hooking together the clasps(,) I heard her sigh three times
--Consider replacing 'I heard her' with 'she'.
I heard her sigh three times, but not say anything.
--Delete comma.
--If you change the first part of the sentence you'll need to tweak this as well.
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
 |
A tense ending to an engaging scene. With Axtilla's 'How can I?' combined with her declaration of love then opening the door, I get the sense that she's either going to go ahead with the wedding or do something else Pondria's not going to like.
I was surprised by how Axtilla comes across in this chapter, not so much about her initial guilt, but by her suggesting they run away to be together. She's seemed so strong up to this point that it came as a surprise. It's like their roles have flipped, with her thinking only of them, and Pondria being the stronger, more aware of the bigger picture one.
I wonder--and this is just an idea not a criticism--if it might fit better if her wanting to run away first occurs after her dream rather than before. Don't know how much that would affect what follows, though, so maybe not. Just a thought.
Suggestions:
but unable to slow the smile working into her lips.
--Should it be into or onto? 'into' makes me think of something being inserted inside her lips. Probably just my weird imagination, but thought I'd ask.
I resisted the effects of that smile on me.
--Describe the effects rather than tell they're there?
and with a sudden movement(,) she pulled her head out of the cradle of my arm and flounced to her side, away from me.
--Could you find a stronger word to replace 'pulled' and take out 'with a sudden movement' as well? That way you're focusing the sentence on the action more.
She tensed, and then erupted in a spasm of sobs.
--No comma needed here, because 'she' is the subject of both halves.
I resisted the temptation to interrupt with words, and instead, continued to hold her tightly to me
--I found when I read this that the 'instead' got it in the way of the flow of the sentence. Consider deleting it or moving it to after 'to me'.
pulled back her hair that had fallen forward over the side of her face.
--I think you could get away without stating her hair had fallen forward--it's implied when he pulls it back. By taking that out, you'll concentrate the focus on the moment.
"Oh(,) Doctrex, I was such a fool!"
With a sudden(,) jarring movement she flipped to her back
To convince him he should jump from the bridge
--Consider deleting 'from the bridge' to avoid the repeat.
never mind (that) his brain would end up as a bowl of electric spaghetti when the Doctor finished.
--I found it slightly awkward to read without the 'that'.
My sweet, sweet Doctrex, I'd been purely selfish.
--I think "I've" would work better here than "I'd".
I waited for her to finish, and to settle back on the pillow.
--No comma needed. Also, you could delete the second 'to'.
I gave her another light kiss, but pulled back
--Delete comma.
the medic explained to Doctrex(,) after he regained consciousness, how near he'd come to dying
--Or, you could flip it about so you have Doctrex regaining conciousness mentioned first.
It will be you and me and Kyre
--Nothing wrong with this, I just wonder if the emphasis would work better if its on 'Kyre' rather than 'and'.
and you know that's more powerful than
--Would 'he's be better fit than 'that'? Depends on if you're referring to them combined, or just Kyre.
She pulled back a few inches(,) and the beginning of a smile tugged up the corners of her mouth.
--because her smile is the subject of the second part of the sentence.
The smile continued to spread as she looked past me
--Use 'it' rather than 'the smile' to avoid the repeat.
with trees and crops(,) and we'll have children
She glanced at it, and then covered it with her own hand.
--No comma
wishing I could daub her forehead that beaded in sweat.
--You could swap this around to eliminate the 'that' if you want. eg: wishing I could daub the sweat beading on her forehead.
she swung her legs around, and pushed off to the floor
--Delete comma.
In silence, I watched her dress.
--The space between this para and previous one is missing.
She put on her slippers, and turned her back to me
--Delete comma.
During the lengthy process of hooking together the clasps(,) I heard her sigh three times
--Consider replacing 'I heard her' with 'she'.
I heard her sigh three times, but not say anything.
--Delete comma.
--If you change the first part of the sentence you'll need to tweak this as well.
Comment Written 18-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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You are in top form once again, Alex. I made nearly all the changes you suggested. The one part I am going to wait until all the minor points are attended to before I look closely at is: ?I wonder--and this is just an idea not a criticism--if it might fit better if her wanting to run away first occurs after her dream rather than before. Don't know how much that would affect what follows, though, so maybe not. Just a thought.? [It makes a lot of sense, but I?m going to wait until I export this FS reviewed chapter to Scrivener, then add your comment as a note on this chapter to use as a suggestion for the final edit.
pulled back her hair that had fallen forward over the side of her face.
--I think you could get away without stating her hair had fallen forward--it's implied when he pulls it back. [I originally had it without the ?fallen forward? part. I was worried the image wouldn?t come across that her temple would be exposed unless I included that part. But I think if there was any doubt, the profile part in the next sentence would still that doubt.
wishing I could daub her forehead that beaded in sweat.
--You could swap this around to eliminate the 'that' if you want. eg: wishing I could daub the sweat beading on her forehead. [Done. Good idea. I?d have never thought of it.]
THANK YOU SO MUCH, ALEX. I KNOW I?VE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT THERE?S NO EXCUSE FOR MY NOT GETTING BETTER AT MY COMMA USE. YOU ARE FORCED TO SPEND FAR TOO MUCH TIME DEALING WITH MINUTIA. BUT I THANK YOU FOR IT.
-
My pleasure :) I don't mind picking out all the wee bits--am more than happy to help when I can.
Just to let you know--if you post the next chapter after Sunday evening I might not get time to review it until the weekend after, but I will catch up as soon as I can.
-
I haven't even begun the next chapter, and it's going to be more complex than the last two, so it'll probably be two weeks before I get to post it.
-
Ah. Okay. I look forward to reading it when it's ready.
Comment from write hand blue
Hi Jay, the action continues in this fantasy story. Interesting and well composed, the plot flows forward leaving the reader wondering what their plan is. A good hook to the next chapter. Great writing there... ~Mel~
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
|
Hi Jay, the action continues in this fantasy story. Interesting and well composed, the plot flows forward leaving the reader wondering what their plan is. A good hook to the next chapter. Great writing there... ~Mel~
Comment Written 18-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Many thanks, Mel. About 5 or 6 more chapters till the end. Hope you're here for all of them.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Jay,
This is excellent, as usual. The only nit I noticed was eye-lids, which, I believe, should be written as one word.
Ooh, what's cooking? Something Dotrex won't see coming, I suspect.
This is very clear and clever. Lovely writing.
I look forward to reading more.
Write on!
Lana
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
|
Hi Jay,
This is excellent, as usual. The only nit I noticed was eye-lids, which, I believe, should be written as one word.
Ooh, what's cooking? Something Dotrex won't see coming, I suspect.
This is very clear and clever. Lovely writing.
I look forward to reading more.
Write on!
Lana
Comment Written 18-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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You're absolutely right, Lana, about eyelid ... but where is it? (In the text, not on the face) I mention lid, I believe, but can't remember, or find eye-lid. I want to change it. Don't bother looking for it. I'll do a search find/delete on it later. Thanks again, Lana. And, OMG, the sixer! Bless you, dear.
Comment from Almahar826
Wow, you have a lot inside to say! You wrote a lot here in this chapter/book/story. Keep up the great work, I am sure you will be able to write many more!!! :)
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
 |
Wow, you have a lot inside to say! You wrote a lot here in this chapter/book/story. Keep up the great work, I am sure you will be able to write many more!!! :)
Comment Written 18-May-2016
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
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Thank you, Almahar.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
'the rutting part of me' ...I thought was a bit basic, you are usually so practised in your speech ,Jay. And ... 'rammed me into the heat of her' jarred my senses, and I cringed a bit at that, especially as he was supposed to be extra sensitive for her first time.
Nevermind, the chapter is so engaging I didn't notice the length. I'm intrigued to see what Axtilla saw in her vision, now. Giddy
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
|
'the rutting part of me' ...I thought was a bit basic, you are usually so practised in your speech ,Jay. And ... 'rammed me into the heat of her' jarred my senses, and I cringed a bit at that, especially as he was supposed to be extra sensitive for her first time.
Nevermind, the chapter is so engaging I didn't notice the length. I'm intrigued to see what Axtilla saw in her vision, now. Giddy
Comment Written 17-May-2016
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
-
Yeah, I'll have to tone the last chapter down in the next edit since it's targeted for the YA Market. Thanks for your candor. Did you read the last chapter? The reason I'm asking is that your comment in the first paragraph is from the previous chapter, by way of an introduction.
Again, thanks for reading.
-
Yes, I did, Jay. I guess it's taken me a chapter to pluck up courage, Giddy :):)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Sorry, I missed so much, I was away vacationing for the last two weeks. (No laptop...no nothing) Just pleasure.
I see you have another good chapter put away here. The images are superb in some places:
like: "she pulled her head out of the cradle of my arm and flounced to her side, away from me.
And:" I glanced back at her again, but this time her nearly closed eye-lids fluttered, and within the slivers of white beneath them, her eyes rolled like marbles in milk."
Suggestions: " My experience had apparently been so exhausting, I'd fallen asleep at the garden table. Her brief sleep now had certainly not been refreshing. She needed time to recover." (I don't think you need to explain any of this....the reader gets it by other remarks)
Goodjob overall, Jay.
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
|
Hi, Jay. Sorry, I missed so much, I was away vacationing for the last two weeks. (No laptop...no nothing) Just pleasure.
I see you have another good chapter put away here. The images are superb in some places:
like: "she pulled her head out of the cradle of my arm and flounced to her side, away from me.
And:" I glanced back at her again, but this time her nearly closed eye-lids fluttered, and within the slivers of white beneath them, her eyes rolled like marbles in milk."
Suggestions: " My experience had apparently been so exhausting, I'd fallen asleep at the garden table. Her brief sleep now had certainly not been refreshing. She needed time to recover." (I don't think you need to explain any of this....the reader gets it by other remarks)
Goodjob overall, Jay.
Comment Written 17-May-2016
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
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Thank you for your kind words and your suggestion. I'll take it under consideration, though I (that damn feather above, makes me lose my train of thought). I'll give the suggestions some thought.
-
Rreally? That feather disturbed you that much, Jay? LOL...Bob
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, (*<*)
= Excellent chapter, Jay!
= You love scenes were "less is more!" Super.
= I hope she isn't going to turn on Doctrex.
= I worry about that. Whoooo, hurry up and post the next chapter.
=::= A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! =::=
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)
=::= Feel free to visit my profile on Amazon.com =::=
amazon.com/author/jacquelinefranklin
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
|
Hi, (*<*)
= Excellent chapter, Jay!
= You love scenes were "less is more!" Super.
= I hope she isn't going to turn on Doctrex.
= I worry about that. Whoooo, hurry up and post the next chapter.
=::= A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside Down! =::=
Jacqueline M Franklin (*_*)
=::= Feel free to visit my profile on Amazon.com =::=
amazon.com/author/jacquelinefranklin
Comment Written 17-May-2016
reply by the author on 18-May-2016
-
She already turned Doctrex on, silly! LOL, I know what you meant. Well, less was more since they didn't really make love this time. But more is more when you give me a six! Thanks, Lady!
-
=You're very welcome. (*>*)
=Well you know, she could have given him a GOOD seeing to, and then when the poor man is vulnerable to her charms, and feeling like King Kong for conquering her ... BOOM! she puts the kibosh to him.
=Just lookin' out for my man, Doctrex! LOL
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I should have seen this coming, but it blindsided me. I am not exactly sure why. LOL Yo have a good novel on your hands. Thank you for sharing it.
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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I should have seen this coming, but it blindsided me. I am not exactly sure why. LOL Yo have a good novel on your hands. Thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 17-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Thanks, Barbara! I'm so happy you're here for the ride.
Comment from foxangie123
Your story reminds me so much of Biblical doctrine I have read. You are so very amazing an author it is incredible. I call you and Dean Kuch The Kings because y'all are. Thank you for adding me so I can follow your work. It means a lot. This is awesome and I totally agree that I don't want a bannana split without all the toppings at once.
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Your story reminds me so much of Biblical doctrine I have read. You are so very amazing an author it is incredible. I call you and Dean Kuch The Kings because y'all are. Thank you for adding me so I can follow your work. It means a lot. This is awesome and I totally agree that I don't want a bannana split without all the toppings at once.
Comment Written 17-May-2016
reply by the author on 20-May-2016
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Angie, you are so kind and thoughtful. I appreciate your linking me with Dean.
